Atripla Depression led to break-up with love of my life

[lockdown404]

I have been poz for almost 5 years.  I started Atripla in April 2011.  At the time, I was just starting to really hit it off with the love of my life (we had been on and off for about 2 years before).  Our love flourished over the next year or so.

Around December 2012, I started to act very dramatic and had lots of strange thoughts.  I really was not able to control myself.  I said some really horrible things to him that I wish I could take back.  This behavior eventually led me to an attempt at suicide.

I think all this drama was way more than he could handle and he walked away.  This devastated me, but I had already stopped taking the Atripla.  I actually started feeling better over the coming weeks.  I talked things over with my doctor, and she strongly suspects that the Sustiva component had a lot to do with my behavior.  Weeks became months, and I am now about 95% recovered from the depression and shame.

I recently contacted him (few weeks ago).  We are now hanging out as "friends" but I can detect some kind of interest in him.  We went out to the amusement park, and he was kind of flirting with me and meeting eyes.  We actually had a great time together.  I brought up the idea of getting closer (kissing, etc), but he said he didn't want to.  He says that he has fuck buddies keeping him busy, and he also said he is "seeing" someone.  So far, he has not been on the phone with this someone when I'm around, so I don't know if he actually exists.  I have yet to come out and ask, but knowing him, there is a good chance he is just trying to defend himself from being hurt again.  I feel really bad about what I did to drive him away, and I want to explain to him that the Sustiva was putting me out of my normal mind.

I really want him back, but I think he is just afraid of being hurt.  He is a really sweet guy, and I can see it in his eyes that he wants to open up but is just scared.  I think he just doesn't realize that Sustiva can cause severe depression.  I don't know how to talk to him about any of this.

Any suggestions?

[Jeff G]

Hi Lockdown and welcome to the forums . You are not alone in feeling that your medication could have caused the instability that led to the relationship problem . 

I hope you stick around because there are lots of people who have been through similar things as you describe , I'm one of them .

Check out this thread . http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=47901.0 . I sometime feel like I'm shamelessly plugging my own thread but I posted that thread in hopes that people like you might read it and we could start a conversation about it . Many times when people talk about side effects from medication we think about nausea or getting the shits , but when people have a side effect from Atripla it can be much worse than those things and rather sinister .

[Buckmark]

I think the Sustiva component of Atripla can contributes to depression and other psychological issues.  You'll see lots and lots of threads here about the here on the forums, as Jeff pointed out, and information and stories / anecdotes all over the internet. 

Will this information make a difference to your guy?  Possibly not, if he has been hurt really badly.  He may just think it is a convenient excuse, so you might want to provide some material for him to read.  Then, really, the next steps are all in his hands.  You've apologized.  You've explained.  You've expressed your interest in him. 

You haven't explained the details of the horrible things you said to him, nor do you have to.  But you might want to check yourself to see if anything there might hint at some underlying issue you have with him.   Other than that, I don't see that there's more you can do.  You've re-established a frienship with him, so why not keep it going and enjoy that friendship.  In time, it may (or may not) develop into more.

Best of Luck -- let us know how it works out.

Regards,

Henry

[lockdown404]

But you might want to check yourself to see if anything there might hint at some underlying issue you have with him.

I do have jealousy issues.  That's more my problem, though.