Positiv and 18y old

[dunax]

Hi everyone,

Three days ago I received the devastating news of an positive HIV-test. And since then my life is turning around, so I hope to find some people who can help me dealing with this situation.

Although I knew I was gay since I've been 14 years old, I wasn't able to live my orientation due to a conservative and religous family and neighbourhood. So I felt really a big relief, when I graduated from High school and moved out of state to a bigger city for college (5 months ago). After a couple days in my new town I was looking to gain some contact with the local gay community and went to this "Queer attack" party. First I felt really weed to see so many gay people at one spot but finally I started talking to a few and felt really comfortable. I felt, like this was the first time in my life where I could just be myself. After a couple of conversation I went to the bar to get a drink, when suddenly somebody tapped me on my shoulder. I turned around and saw a muscular 30 year old guy with a wonderful smile. He asked me if he could invite me to a drink and we started chatting. I must admit, that I fell in love with "Chris" immediatly and was pretty nervous. He was a buisnessman from out of town, who stayed here for a meeting and asked me after a couple of more drinks if I wanna come with him to his hotelroom. Looking back I was totally nervous and drunk so I agreed and followed him to the cab. Immediatly after he closed the door of his hotelroom behind us, he grabed me and started kissing me. Then he started slowly to undress himself and me until we were both sitting naked on the bed. Before he could go furter I told, that this would be my first time and I'm pretty nervous. He responded that I shouldn't worry, he has lot of experience and i should just relax and enjoy. He then started to kiss me again, turned me around and we ended up having missionay sex (i was the bottom and he came into me). Afterwards we kissed each other and I fell asleep. In the morning he went up early to catch his flight, gave me his card with his telephone number and kissed me goodbye.

I went home and sleep the rest of the afternoon in my dorm. I was really execited and happy to finally have my first sexual experience. But around week later I felt quite week and sick. I got fever and headaches for a couple of days and took some meds against this symptomes which disappeared quite soon afterwards. Therefore I didn't pay further attention and carried on my normal student life, attending classes and lectures and making friends. I really enjoy this freedom and the possibility to live my orientation in public. Nevertheless I didn't had any further sexual contacts since then.

So therefore I was quite shocked when my doctor informed me last week that I was tested positiv for the HI-Virus. I just went to the doctor for my annual check up. He took some blood and urin examples and asked me a couple questions about my state and how i feel. Three days later this assistent called me in and I got the news. I started crying immediatly (still crying) and felt so numb. He came up to me, hugged my and gave me an appointment and some further information. Finally when I came back to my dorm, I looked myself in and started to cry again. Then I remembered the card "Chris" gave me. I put it out and tried to call him. After a couple tries he finally picked up and asked me "Yeah what's up". I told him that I was tested positive and I thing he gave it to me. He just said "Yeah, now you are a real gay men, welcome to the club!" I said: "What? Are you serious? Chris answered something like "Well you know gay people can breed to and it's my own fault when I fuck bareback! Then he simple told me that I should never call him again and replaced his phone.

Well this was three days ago. I am a 18 year old guy who fucked one time in his life and get the HI-Virus. I made a terrible mistake which can't be fixed and to be honest I don't know how I can handle this situation. I feel terrible, I hate myself I I wished i would have been smart enough to insist on a condom..

[Jim Allen]

Hi

Firstly don't beat yourself up, what has happen has happened.

Now for the time being until you have had follow-up testing done and results from that I am going to ask you to only post in this one thread. Members wil be able to reply to you here and support you.

You are 18 and with treatment you can live a normal life, it changes nothing unless you yet it. Don't let it, HIV is simply not the game changer it once was.

Take it easy

Jim

Here is a collection of links and infomation that may help answer questions you have as well.
https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=2276.msg738372#new

[Andy Velez]

As you adjust to and get through this event I am glad you found your way here.  Understandably you are having a lot of feelings right now.  But you will get through and you are still going to have a great life.

It is important that you develop a good working relationship with your doctor.  It is a major part of staying well. There are medications which will keep you well and with a minimum of side effects. Keep a little notebook handy so you can write down questions you may have now and in the future.

You will always be welcome here to ask questions from experienced members and to discuss anything that is on your mind. 

Gradually you are going to see your life going on and that HIV is only a part of it.

Welcome.

[kentfrat1783]

Hi,

I'm still new at adjusting but as the other have said, and as you will see from other posts on here, you will live a normal life. 

Luckily you have caught this early and that is a very good thing.  It was caught late for me so how I like thinking of it as I'm trying to play catch-up.  Other then the first few months of starting the Rx (well for me multiple Rx's) having some weird dreams it hasn't affected me negatively.  Just learn to get in a routine to take your pill and things will fall into place. 

Just don't beat yourself up over this.  If you ever need to chat in private chat or through this post hit me up. 

Wishing you all the best.

Kenneth

[JosephP]

  Sorry you had such a terrible experience but, let me assure you, is not the end. I have been poz for almost five years and somedays it weighs on me heavy. But overall it has been easier than I expected. Like you, I cried for days and had to put 'nothing is wrong' face for months. I have accepted it, we have no choice. But we have a choice in letting HIV rule us or we rule HIV. I have chosen that later. Like other guys, if you need to talk, be sure that we all be here for you. To help you, to guide you and to love you...

[Jim Allen]

Hi dunax

I've moved your post here post to "Am I infected" pending an update on conformation testing. Do keep us posted

Moderators will move you post if needed back to the members section so other can chime in pending your update

Jim

[dunax]

Hey everyone,

Unfortunatly after more testing my doctor has confirmed that I am HIV-POSITIV... and I've been informed about the next steps (treatment, mental support etc.)... Although I've expected this result, I am still very shocked and don't know how to handle this new situation. I am afraid of so many things right now and due to the fact, that I moved here a couple months ago, I don't have a groupe of people and friends around me, who can support me in that situation...

So therefore a lot of things are going through my mind at the moment. I feel so stupid. I'm an 18 year old man who should have known better... I had sex education in school, I've heard about protection and STD's and the risk of gay sex... and still I was stupid enough to fuck bareback... I feel so stupid------

[Wade]

Hi dunax,

There is nothing stupid about lust, we have all been there. Now is time to move on and get your treatment plan in order. You are going to be just fine believe me.
How were your initial numbers?

I can only reinforce Andy's advice to write things down and ask questions during your doctors visit.  Don't leave till you till you have and understand the answers.
Have a look at this and print it out so you can discuss your treatment options with your doc.
https://www.poz.com/drug_charts/hiv-drug-chart

Hugs,

Wade

[jmmont]

Dunax,

I received a false diagnosis when I was 18, which was only a few months ago. I started treatment and everything and experienced every emotion you are currently. The only advice I can give you is to keep moving forward. It will be hard, but I implore you to seek support and build a strong relationship with your doctor and medical team to have the best prognosis, which will be a normal, long life. I completely feel your pain and feelings of guilt and remorse and blaming yourself. Please don’t, we are human and we enjoy intimacy and pleasure. Take care of yourself and know that having HIV in 2018 means that you will be on medication that will keep you healthy, and the medications are only getting better from here!

Take a walk. Close your eyes. Breathe fresh air. You’re still alive and there’s so much more to life than focusing on a single sex act. You are not alone. I know many people who have had a similar experience as you. It’s terribly unfortunate, but reach out to a support group and you will find yourself smiling and laughing again once you see how much HIV doesn’t change people’s lives. Please please please reach out for support. Look for a support group in your area and ask your doctor/office if they have any information.

Sending love and support your way!

Best

[Jim Allen]

@jmmont

As well intended as your post might be please do not post in other members threads. As a member of the am I infected section you are expected to only post in your own original thread. https://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=69037.msg741236#msg741236

@OP

I fully agree with Wade. You did nothing wrong, so stop blaming yourself. Millions of people have unprotected intercourse daily without any transmission, it's cruel that for doing something so natural and biologically driven you picked up a HIV dignoisis. You can't change that however thankfully HIV today really changes nothing in life, expect prehaps taking a pill a day. 10 seconds of your time and that's about it. 

Do let us know what your labs are like, CD4'S and VL (viral load) and what treatment you will be starting with.

Jim

[Hito]

Hello Dunax,

First off I want to say that there is a special place in hell (or some sort of universal justice) for someone who knowingly infects another with this virus. It sounds like this "Chris" fellow was a total jerk and an opportunist that didn't care about what he did to you, or anyone else as a matter of fact. I am sure through his own twisted logic he justified this to himself, but if karma is actually real then hopefully he will get his. I am sorry to be so negative right now, but what you wrote seriously infuriated me.

Now, on to the good news. As Jim and other have written, you are going to be OK. The infection is new and you seem to have this under control. You need to continue seeing you healthcare administrator and following their instructions. Treatment is such a wonderful thing and you CAN and WILL live a normal happy life.

This June I will have been positive for two years. Since I found out I started treatment and have gotten over the Flu (type B) and have lived a completely normal life. I still go to the gym, learn martial arts and have a productive life.

As a fellow gay man who was once in your shoes, being a shy teenager with a religious upbringing, I know this betrayal will scar you and probably haunt you for a long time, but please know that not everyone is a total heartless beast and you will meet MANY caring men in your life who will genuinely want the best for you.

Please let me know if there is anything I can help you with. I want to be your strength as much as I can.

[marseilliais]

Hey dunax, I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis and your experience. It's breaks my heart to hear about people like Chris. I've been in your shoes (as with a lot of people in this forum), and it's really unfortunate, but the best you can do for yourself is keep on going. All it takes is one pill a day, and your life will be nearly no different than when you were negative. I was diagnosed less than a year ago when I was 20, so I'm almost as young as you, but I didn't let my diagnosis stop me. I kept going with my education, I'm dating, and I'm doing everything else people of our age group are doing. You are strong, and use your diagnosis to make you a better, powerful person, and show Chris that his act of evil did nothing to you. You got this.