A whole new world

[cmhguy66]

     Needed to share my story and need support!  On April 20 my fb called to tell me he tested positive.  We had been playing for a few years. He got tested regularly and has always been neg.  I was shocked and scared.  I went in for my test on 4/26 it was a preliminary positive, they ran a confirmatory test and I got the results on May 7th positive. I had blood drawn on the 9th, and met with my ID Dr (great guy!) on the 8th The only results he had back was my CD4 count which was 564 I see him again on June 20th

     I have a partner whom I have been with for 4 years.  I love him very much. We never have sex of any kind (hence the fb)  I have to tell him soon, I'm really dreading it and don't even know how to start the conversation.  I feel so ashamed, and alone.  I have lots of friends, but can't share this with them!

    My whole life has changed in an instant.  Plans for the future seem shattered and non existant. Right now the is so much uncertainty.  I hate myself for letting this happen to me.  I am feeling all kinds of emotions, yet I feel numb.  Sometimes I just want it all to end and not have to deal with any of it. Please help!

     

[Rev. Moon]

Hi there and welcome to the forums.  As we often say, sorry that you had to join us, but glad that you found us nonetheless. 

Take it easy for now.  At the moment it may feel like you have a lot of info to process and many decisions to make.  Do it one step at a time.

Your initial CD4 count is good.  Now you'll just need to wait for the viral load (and any additional tests that your doc may have requested such as genotype, phenotype, etc). Once you have the necessary info you'll be able to make decisions about treatment --which you would not need at the moment given your CD4 count.

As far as disclosing to your partner, you will find the right moment.  Make it simple and non-dramatic.  You want his support, not guilt or blame to fall on either of you. 

When the time is right you will also find the courage to share this info with some close friends or relatives.  It is always good to have someone that you can confide in when you're positive.  For now you have this forum. 

Whom you tell is up to you, but make sure that you feel no shame about your status. It is just a virus.  It should not define you or make you feel like your life has come to an end.  While it may feel overwhelming at the moment, in a not so distant future you'll see how life returns to a virtually "normal" pace.

You are still the same person; the only difference is a change in status from "-" to "+".   In time you'll see how you're going to be fine. 

Again, welcome aboard and best of health to you.

[Lad_Liam]

Hey cmhguy
Know where you're coming from with that situation. Had to tell my own partner a few weeks ago.

It was massively hard, and I waited till after dinner and the usual nightly routine had finished. I kind of wanted to have one last night of peaceful, (boring!), domestic normality before dropping the H-bomb. When I did I was calm, clear and ( apparently) very humble.

I went in and turned the tv off and sat in front of him. I said I'd returned (at that stage) an indeterminate result, but one that was most likely to be + based on the number of indicators on the western blot test. I said I was scared shitless about saying this, about getting this, irrationally fearful I'd exposed him, and then I just cried for a while.

He was really good at the time and hugged me and so on. Like you, i had been so afraid to say this and building up to it for two days.  Like your situation there was no risk that he'd been exposed via me, but he still got tested, and we both worried about that until that came clear. Because my first tests were indeterminate, he hung onto hope that it would be a false alarm for longer than I did. This was a bit hard for me at the time so I'd recommend you be aware that people will move through stages of processing this info differently, so may need time to catch up to the stage you are at when they are told. Ongoing communication is the key.

Since then, He's come to some of my dr appointments, and is making sure to cook healthy meals since finding out.  I know he doesn't really know what to do right now, coz it is a shock, and something that just doens't go away once it's arrived. But it is so much easier for me now that he knows, cause I need the support as I imagine you will be feeling too. Support is good. You're already in a relationship not based on sex, so that might be a benefit in a situation like this, and you clearly state that you deeply love him.

I have gotten some booklets for negative partners and the usual intro brochures you maybe were given by your dr, which u can get PDF thru a web search for AFAO ( australian federation of aids organisations) or similar, then check out their library/resources links. There is also the Someone I care for has HIV forum on here which maybe he could find useful. ask your dr if they have links to support providers with experience.

I hear what you are saying about your feelings on getting this news. Still having those thoughts myself but they are going away, coming online here helps me and hope it does for you too. I also am am chatting with a HIV counselor once a week by phone, and that service also will assist partners, so maybe there is something like that near where you live?

Be easy on yourself. Do something nice for yourself, something u enjoy each day even when it's hard too. It will get better inside your head, and there is no need to feel shame about this bug. 

Good luck,
Liam

[cmhguy66]

Thank you for replies.  I really appreciate your words of encouragement, advice, and wisdom! I'm doing the best I can day by day. It's comforting to know there are lots of other people going through the same thing and feeling the same way I do.  It's almost like coming out all over again.  I am looking forward to the "it gets better" part!

[Lad_Liam]

good luck with it, cmhguy66. Day by day is a fine way to deal with it I reckon. (I saw someone else write on here that hour by hour is also fine if u need it some days, which I have. )

But it does ease off and stop being the first thing in your mind all the time, and people do get on top of the virus. It's in all our interests to have faith in these messages, which are backed up by the many postings on these forums from strong people who have accepted the challenge to fight it.

I can hear strength in your writing, so have confidence you'll met this challenge well.

[mecch]

Lighten up on yourself. Its not easy to do that early on, of course.  The shame will go away when you realise people make mistakes in sex and some people have to pay the HIV piper. Its a virus not a moral judgement. 

Now the question I have is:  does the BF know you have fuckbuddies or not?  What is it you are worried about here?  You haven't put him at risk.  So thats not the worry, right?

Did you two actually decide to stop having sex, or did it kinda end up that way? Is that what you wanted going forward with him?  Sexless relation?  Cause an HIV diagnosis is of course, the moment when conversation get real again, and needs have to be discussed. 

Is it fear of disclosing that you have fuckbuddies?

Is it fear that there will be some kind of financial burden that your BF will be pissed off about? 

Is there learning that both of you will need, to understand how manageable HIV is?

Are you ashamed to tell him simply because the diagnosis is being felt, for the time being as something shameful?