How to deal with rejection

[pozwoman28]

Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I am a 28 year old woman and was given HIV 5 years ago by a guy who decided that me sleeping when I was drunk meant I wanted to have sex with him. Fast forward 5 years after dealing with shame, trauma, trauma from a previous relationship, depression, anxiety, etc. I finally felt like I was ready to date and put myself out there. I am a woman, so telling my status to straight men has been difficult. I’ve had one person that knew me before that was cool with my status and things didn’t work out between us for various reasons. The two guys that I’ve told other than that will try to seem cool with it but will either straight up ghost or slowly wean conversation off until I basically have no choice but to do it myself out of respect for myself. I recently had a guy fully wanting to date me and then I told him and he felt empathy for me and my situation but couldn’t get past my status and felt like it was all “too much”. It hurts a lot because I just want to feel accepted and loved. HIV is a part of me that barely impacts me as I am undetectable. I explain I am undetectable, what prep is, etc. but it just weirds everyone out and ruins everything. I’m just feeling so defeated and not sure how to proceed. I don’t want to give up but putting my heart through this rejection over and over is a lot. Any advice on dealing with this, I would be so grateful. Also how do I disclose this information in the best way? I’ve both waited a few dates and said it after the first date. The guys always seem to empathize with me and understand but the stigma gets in the way and then I become not worth it for them to date.

[Tonny2]

               ojo.           Hello there!… Welcome to the forums. I will let somebody else to reply to your post, because is something that we all deal with it differently. in my case , when I was diagnosed, I was living with my partner, who is HIV negative and he stayed with me after my eight diagnosis. We lived together seven more years after my DX. I still talk to him and I asked him why he stayed with me and he told me because he loved me. So I think that you have to find the right one before you tell him your status, There are a lot of people who the who disagree with me, but this is my humble opinion. You have to love yourself first. Otherwise, the rejections will bring you down.… Wishing you the best and please keep us posted.… Hugs

[Jim Allen]

Hiya.

Sorry to hear this is getting you down and that the one guy said it was "too much" Sounds like a prick and you are better off without him. As for the other guy, it's unclear why he isn't interested unless he said, "HIV eww!" or something.

It only three dates and I know a lot of us tend to think all rejection is due to HIV status, as that's on our mind but try to keep in mind dating regardless of HIV status comes with rejection, it's simply always the possible outcome when dating and it's a part of life, be kind to yourself, pick yourself up and try again. 

I can only speak from my experince but as a guy, women reject us all the time  . I've been rejected because I have kids, too fat, too skinny, too tall, or not tall enough, being generally difficult (I am) .... As for more HIV-specific rejection, I have to say I've had a few polite "No thank you" over the years but that's only the odd one or two people over the decades, generally nobody cared after I explained it and it did not get in the way of my dating or sex life that has otherwise been good.

Also how do I disclose this information in the best way? I’ve both waited a few dates and said it after the first date.

I always told them before the first date or if it was a chance meeting then I told them straight out.

That way I weed out anyone who simply can't cope with it so I don't waste my time on them.

straight up ghost or slowly wean conversation off

They are not rejecting you, how could they as they don't know you? You are more than just a person living with HIV. So try not to take it personally. I know that's easier said than done, but try to keep in mind it's their flaw, you are better off knowing sooner rather than later and you can then move onto the next without wasting too much time or heartbreak.

I explain I am undetectable, what prep is, etc.

Prehaps too much info. Why even go into explaining PrEP? That would make me think I need it despite you telling me the virus is suppressed..

Took me a while to find a way that works for me, brief and straight out and then wait for questions is what I find works. I normally say something like

"I have a manageable health condition controlled by meds meaning I am healthy and happy ...... it's HIV and as my meds suppress the virus I can't pass it on during sex" 

Anyhow, keep trying, and don't let a few bumps in the road whilst dating get you down.  Hugs.
 

[Jim Allen]

You could also try dating other people living with HIV. However, why limit yourself? Anyhow if you want there is a personals site: https://personals.poz.com/

[pozwoman28]

               ojo.           Hello there!… Welcome to the forums. I will let somebody else to reply to your post, because is something that we all deal with it differently. in my case , when I was diagnosed, I was living with my partner, who is HIV negative and he stayed with me after my eight diagnosis. We lived together seven more years after my DX. I still talk to him and I asked him why he stayed with me and he told me because he loved me. So I think that you have to find the right one before you tell him your status, There are a lot of people who the who disagree with me, but this is my humble opinion. You have to love yourself first. Otherwise, the rejections will bring you down.… Wishing you the best and please keep us posted.… Hugs

Thanks Tony. It’s tough and nerve wracking. I’m very sensitive in general and take everything to heart. I work a lot on self love and in theory I thought I would be able to handle rejection but when it happened in reality it brought me back to a really dark spot. Thought I was over that hump but I guess just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other. Thank you for your kind words I’ll be sure to update if anything notable happens or if I decide to date again.

[pozwoman28]

Hiya.

Sorry to hear this is getting you down and that the one guy said it was "too much" Sounds like a prick and you are better off without him. As for the other guy, it's unclear why he isn't interested unless he said, "HIV eww!" or something.

It only three dates and I know a lot of us tend to think all rejection is due to HIV status, as that's on our mind but try to keep in mind dating regardless of HIV status comes with rejection, it's simply always the possible outcome when dating and it's a part of life, be kind to yourself, pick yourself up and try again. 

I can only speak from my experince but as a guy, women reject us all the time  . I've been rejected because I have kids, too fat, too skinny, too tall, or not tall enough, being generally difficult (I am) .... As for more HIV-specific rejection, I have to say I've had a few polite "No thank you" over the years but that's only the odd one or two people over the decades, generally nobody cared after I explained it and it did not get in the way of my dating or sex life that has otherwise been good.

I always told them before the first date or if it was a chance meeting then I told them straight out.

That way I weed out anyone who simply can't cope with it so I don't waste my time on them.

They are not rejecting you, how could they as they don't know you? You are more than just a person living with HIV. So try not to take it personally. I know that's easier said than done, but try to keep in mind it's their flaw, you are better off knowing sooner rather than later and you can then move onto the next without wasting too much time or heartbreak.

Prehaps too much info. Why even go into explaining PrEP? That would make me think I need it despite you telling me the virus is suppressed..

Took me a while to find a way that works for me, brief and straight out and then wait for questions is what I find works. I normally say something like

"I have a manageable health condition controlled by meds meaning I am healthy and happy ...... it's HIV and as my meds suppress the virus I can't pass it on during sex" 

Anyhow, keep trying, and don't let a few bumps in the road whilst dating get you down.  Hugs.

Hi Jim thanks for your advice. I’m quite sensitive so I guess part of this process is just going to have to be me getting a tougher shell. It’s a little scary to think of disclosing to someone prior to meeting them but maybe that’s the best way to avoid hurt feelings on my side and them feeling blindsided and have to process the information publicly on theirs. Do you use dating apps? That’s what I have been on and am definitely nervous about broaching the subject before they know me a little better.

[Jim Allen]

Hi Jim thanks for your advice. I’m quite sensitive so I guess part of this process is just going to have to be me getting a tougher shell. It’s a little scary to think of disclosing to someone prior to meeting them but maybe that’s the best way to avoid hurt feelings on my side and them feeling blindsided and have to process the information publicly on theirs. Do you use dating apps? That’s what I have been on and am definitely nervous about broaching the subject before they know me a little better.

No, I've never used apps for dating. When I was younger we had chatrooms for that and to some degree forums.

Understand the idea of apps and also that you wish they would get to know you first before sharing your HIV status, but they are not really getting to know you on apps, they get to know your "online persona" ... nobody is really real online.

...  I also think waiting to tell them just opens you up to time wasters and getting hurt, but that's just my thought. However, do keep trying, don't let it get you down and you will find what works for you.

[Tonny2]

          ojo.              Hi there!…well, i respect Jim’s opinion but, I don’t think you are ready first, to disclose your status to everyone you date, it will mean more people knowing about your status, srcondly, you will still be rejected no once but many times, do you know what I mean?. I rather waste my time, and this other person time that being in everybody’s mouth. Comprende?. My humble opinion.… Wishing you the best and hoping you find the right one. Please keep us posted… Hugs.

[CalvinC]

I like what Jim says, and I'd say the same.

It's hard. But you are young. And I don't say that to guilt you or anything. But I mean to say, you have a lot of time, which is a very precious commodity. You can afford to put yourself out there, so to speak, because you have yet more time to try again.

And I hope you'll try again. When I tested, I was in a big funk. But I talked to other people who were poz (including finding this wonderful web site), and met them, and got so many different points of view. I decided that I didn't have much choice but to put myself out there. And I did. I made social choices that I never made before, and it paid off, in that I was less lonely and felt a lot less fearful about how people might perceive me.

(What happened is a long story I won't get into, save that I met someone not poz who didn't give a whit about my status, and we carried on for awhile -- until he decided that he wanted to stay with his partner. Violins start to play at this point, so I'll stop.)

Hoping you'll find the courage to be bigger than all the discouragement that you will invariably come across. Be well.

cal

[Jim Allen]

@pozwoman28

Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing?

[harleymc]

I'll probably get this quote slightly wrong but it goes something like this


Fools that reject you push us into the arms of the wise.

[Tonny2]

I'll probably get this quote slightly wrong but it goes something like this


Fools that reject you push us into the arms of the wise.