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friends?

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CalvinC:

Another personal post -- until I get a new therapist! (See earlier post about this.)

I ran into a former/old friend a month ago. We were very close when we were teens living in a small city, both feeling alienated but ready to dream big. We both moved to the same big city, and after a few years even worked for the same company. Eventually, I went back to school, and our lives took different paths, and we drifted, and.... that was about 30 years ago.

We spoke for a good half hour at the grocery store and set up a dinner date for a couple of weeks later (which was a couple of weeks ago now). And it was pleasant enough 2.5 hours, and we certainly had lots to talk about -- she's almost like family. Yet I found that she was even more herself, the self that I had drifted away from because . . .  well, because we had both grown up and changed. Most of the discussion, I realized afterward, was about her, and intensely so; and that the dinner had been like a therapy session for her. I hardly said much about what I had been up to over the past 30 years, aside from commiserating about a lost love that paralled her situation.

Oddly enough, I found/find that despite my myriad problems and issues, my life seems to be much more open and hopeful and outward-looking than hers. I don't say this to put her down; but rather, I am left wondering how I might be a friend to her. There were, after all, reasons why we drifted apart. To be her friend again would take a lot of work, and I can't help but feel it would be a step backward. I dunno.

Strangely enough -- or perhaps not -- when I tested poz 15 years ago and the guy I was dating left me pronto and I was in a good deal of pain (despite having a wonderful support system in place), I looked her phone number up and called her. And she wasn't home / no answering machine. And i realized later that I was/am glad she didn't answer. I don't think that my searching for answers to my pain should have involved her; I hadn't at that time seen her in 15 years.

At the end of our dinner date I said that we should get together in a couple of weeks, and she was quite amenable. Now the two weeks are up. We didn't say who should call who; but in any case, I haven't called her and vice-versa. I feel frozen. I don't think I want to see her again but I'm not sure what to say to her. "Hey, it was good to see you again; but I'm thinking that maybe we should continue on our separate ways." Do I owe her an explanation, especially when that explanation might be insulting to her, ie, that I don't find her company particularly welcoming?

Cal

Jim Allen:

--- Quote ---I don't think I want to see her again but I'm not sure what to say to her. "Hey, it was good to see you again; but I'm thinking that maybe we should continue on our separate ways." Do I owe her an explanation, especially when that explanation might be insulting to her, ie, that I don't find her company particularly welcoming?
--- End quote ---

It had been 30 years without saying anything, and if it was me and I didn't want further contact, I would leave it and say nothing.

You both have pleasant memories of each other from when you were kids, no point in spoiling that.

CalvinC:
I agree, Jim.

A simple explanation does the trick.

No, I don't have to do anything now, and I'm pretty sure I won't. Just let it be.

Cal

em:
I do not know if this story might help . I found a friend I knew thirty years ago. She was the first person I told about my HIV. She walked up to me and said why are you so down ?   I said I just found out I have HIV . She asked when was my birthday? I said in about a month . She had asked if I wanted to go out for dinner I said I did not have much money she said her treat.  Thirty years later I found her on face book. We are friends on Facebook. She now lives on the west coast and I live on the east coast . I see nothing wrong with having friends. But it is up to you  how you feel and if having this person in your life .

this is just one story I am sure others might have some thing to offer about friends ?

you just do what you think is right for you .

all the best to you . 

CalvinC:
Follow up:

As it turned out, she ended up contacting me, and we went out for a long walk, with a destination, and then a drink. It was, I have to say, better than the first meeting. But I'm still not pushing things along. I figure that any friendship we have has to be built from where we are now, not from friendly feelings of the past and who we were then.

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