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A question for others out there

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Hi all.
I'm an HIV- guy who has been in relationships with other guys, negative and positive.
I've also worked as an HIV/AIDS support care worker.
The current relationship I'm in is with a positive guy that I care very much for. He was diagnosed about a year ago. He lives about two hours away from me, in the U.S. I live in Canada. The long distance has certainly added to the challenges.
It's been about six months since we met, and there have been some ups and downs.
From the very beginning I knew he was a guy that lived somewhat on the fringes of conventionality. I am more conventional in my ways of living (regular 9 to 5 job), but not necessarily in my ways of thinking about life.
A couple of months into the relationship I started to notice that he was displaying some "different" personality traits. Not wanting to attach labels to people, let's just say that I was beginning to wonder if he had a personality disorder or some other such psychological "issue".
I know he is someone that can isolate himself from others at times, and he doesn't have a lot of supports.
He's also tried to begin HIV treatment, but found it difficult to tolerate so stopped.
I know that a recent diagnosis as positive can be difficult for a lot of people.
My question is, how do I know what's affecting him? His HIV? His recent diagnosis? His "unconventional" lifestyle? His potential psychologocial issues? Some intricate combination of all of this?
The reason I ask is that we spent the holidays together and after a bit of a "falling out" on New Year's Eve (in a bar - where else) he informed me that he didn't want anything to do with me. Once we were back at my place he left to go home in the middle of the night while I was still asleep. I woke up in the morning and he had gone.
I did reach him by phone at his home to make sure that he arrived safe and sound. Now he refuses to communicate with me.
I know this is not a "usual" situation. but was hoping for some comments from others out there.
In my experience it's not uncommon for people to push others away, or sabotage relationships with those who are supportive of them, when they are finding it challenging to cope and manage with there HIV status.
Any thoughts would be appreciated as I want to be able to reach out to him, and/or let him know that I am still there for him.

Hi Otter,

I removed your post from the thread you placed it in and created your own thread, where you'll get more responses.

Welcome to the forums and please make sure you read the Welcome thread found at the top of this forum.

Maybe your friend needs some space. What do you think about giving it a few days and then sending him a "thinking of you" card - then leaving the ball in his court? Without knowing either of you, it's difficult to say much. This might not have anything to do with hiv at all.


Thanks. I realized after I had posted that it may have been more appropriate to post elsewhere.

Thanks also for your suggestion.


I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I agree that giving him time is the best thing to do for now.

The Holiday Season alone is for many, such a trigger for emotional roller coasters.

Only one year into his diagnosis, I think it is fair to say that he need more time to adjust.

As for you, no matter how difficult it is, give him space and later send him a note.

Like Ann said, it might have nothing to do with HIV.

Best of luck. 

Hi and Welcome
If you want to hear another opinion, here it is:  he may need time to adjust to being HIV positive and the best thing you can do is leave him alone.  But this is not about him you know. You have to take care of yourself.  Do you know him well enough to make a judgement call on whether he is mentally unbalanced or not? My guess is you do not.  Hopefully he has a good doctor.  If anything I would encourage him to see his docror regularly.
I hope you continue to be a caring guy and one who helps people in need.


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