HeartBreak

[FireFlyGirl]

Hi Everyone.

This is my first time on any HIV forum. I need advice, help or some wisdom though my situation is hopeless. maybe i just need a new place to vent apart from my siblings and parent.
am sorry to everyone if you feel offended by what am about to say. i just dont know how to be okay right now

Brief about me. I discovered i was HIV pos when I was 15. I have never been sexually active and now I am 33. dating is just something I have avoided because it was easier not having to have this discussion at all and i realized this is something i hadnt come to terms with.

Anyway over the years, I have met a few guys some good a few not so good that i flirted with but nothing serious. I started a new last year and met a guys who was great, kind and just amazing and though i pushed him away a couple of times he kept pursuing me and slowly i would open up and push him away and the cycle kept repeating itself over 7 months. At one point i got covid and he tried to take care of me, not knowing my status and i was just so angry at my life, at my situation and the extent to which i got sick just reminded me again that i am pos. so i pushed him away from a longer time, Then i missed him and he kept being nice to me and i eventually  realized i was hurting him in the days approaching month 7.

All through this process i would cry by myself and debate or have this argument with myself of telling him or not, but i also hated the idea of subjecting him to this life that i myself hated. Why should anyone have to live like this. i understand that this is now a chronic disease as the call it but still it sucks alot - too much for me. and why would i be okay with him dealing with this or him finding out and bolting anyway. so many times i would telll him i was hoping everything would go well with him and that he would find love and success in everything (career and life) and i meant this sincerely and understood that it meant not with me possibly. I wasnt brave enough to tell him, and also didnt want to tell him

Anyway he sat me down in month 7 and told me he was moving on and i knew i had the chance to tell him to stay but i couldnt still be okay with telling him so i told him we werent even dating and its okay if he moved on. a part of me hoped the back and forth would seriously continue. but then he really did move on and he picked no one other than someone who i thought was my friend. on one hand i felt a huge burden lifted, but on the other hand i experienced heartbreak. and its now 3 months and my heart still breaks. worse off i am forced to see him monday to friday and sometimes run into both of them. i knew i cared deeply about him and liked him, but now i realized i didnt just like him but loved him. i think if he had moved on with someone else maybe the pain would not be as much. but my heart is still breaking and am wanting to move on but i cant. i also think that he hates me now, i cant bring myself to talk to him or interact with either of them, i cant explain and say, you were great and treated me great but i wasnt ready because i was scared, worried, felt unworthy etc. he probably just thinks i was this horrible ungrateful person who toyed with him. and this thought is also tearing me apart. how can i be okay, how can i move on. one of my siblings says its no ones fault, not mine, his or hers and that i will be okay. i feel even more stupid writing this but also sad. my life sucks right now. i am stupid for having even flirted with him and not kept to myself to begin with.

i dont know how to be happy, if i will ever be happy, if i will ever find anyone. i still care about him and want him to be happy however this maybe but i miss him. i wish he could understand why i pushed him away. am not with this

[Jim Allen]

i wasnt ready because i was scared, worried, felt unworthy etc.

What are you scared and worried about, and what makes you think/feel you are unworthy?

Brief about me. I discovered i was HIV pos

Well, you have been living with HIV for a few years now; how are you getting on with treatment? Presume you are taking treatment? How are you feeling healthwise?

[FireFlyGirl]

What are you scared and worried about, and what makes you think/feel you are unworthy?

Well, you have been living with HIV for a few years now; how are you getting on with treatment? Presume you are taking treatment? How are you feeling healthwise?

I was worried/scared of:
1. him finding out and me possibly being rejected
2. him telling everyone about my status and possibly being stigmatized and feeling isolated and judged
Why i felt unworthy
1. the above
2. i sometimes just feel so low and depressed about my status, it is a burden and i feel defeated sometimes
3. sometimes i feel alone

I dont know fully why i feel what i feel

Treatment, i started treatment and am doing okayish i guess. thanks for checking

so i guess in short you mean to say i just need to get passed everything

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Have you ever spoken to your ID Doctor about how you feel? Whilst on that topic, what HIV meds are you currently taking, and how are your labs looking? VL & CD4?

so i guess in short you mean to say i just need to get passed everything

No, it sounds like you are in pain, feel lost and need help. You are not alone, and I wish you well. Next to your sibling, what does your support network look like, such as peer, professional and mental health support?

Sharing your HIV status with someone isn't easy, and it takes practice (i feel) to be okay with sharing that, and even then, rejection is always a possible outcome. Still, even without HIV, rejection is always the possible outcome when dating. Rejection happens, and it's a part of life, but it sounds like you have let it become a barrier to what you want in life.

I'll be honest. Some words that came to my mind when reading your post were long-term internalized stigma, anticipatory anxiety and depression, but that's my random thoughts, which mean nothing. I do wonder if you are engaged in any professional support, such as counselling/therapy, and if so, have you ever discussed these topics?

[FireFlyGirl]

Thank you Jim. You are right. I do feel all the things you indicate. I dont have anyone outside my siblings.

My VL is down to 300 now and on biktarvy

I hope i will get better with time

[CalvinC]

Jim offers some fine thoughts. I'll add a few.

When I tested poz, I was dating someone. It was moving toward serious, and in any case I was totally on board. I told him the results and the first thing he did, in front of me, was get on his phone and call his doctor. And then, after a bit, he caught himself and expressed some sympathy; but I could tell he was super freaked out. Yet that didn't excuse his behaviour. We had always practised safer sex 100%.

Anyway, within three days he was gone. Getting dumped like that sure told me a lot about his character, but still I was left alone. It was VERY painful for a few months, dealing with being diagnosed and losing someone I had become attached to. I don't know how I got through it, but I did. Months later he apologized, when we finally met up; and by then I was over him. And I realized that he likely apologized because he knew it was good form, not that he was actually sorry. I look at it now as having dodged a bullet. Who needs a narcissist?

All this to say that you can't predict how people will react, so you have to take a chance. In my case, I didn't have that option. Of course, who wants to be rejected?

I hope you are able to maintain a healthy distance, literally and figuratively, from this guy, not because he's "bad" but because you need time to yourself to figure out how to move on. I don't know if you are able to do this as it sounds like you work with him. Do you have options to relocate within the business?

Ultimately, what he thinks of you is not your business. He will think what he thinks and there is nothing you can do about it. Of course, you could tell him the why of it all; but given that he's involved with someone else, you need to think of why you'd be doing this.

As far as what the future holds? You are still young and have options. And one option might be to join a support group of hiv-poz people to see that indeed other people go on to live and love. I wish this for you. Be well.