Rectal fluids encounter

[User2024]

4 weeks ago I had the following encounter with a woman, which I cheated my wife with:

1. I rubbed my penis on the outside of her anus for about 1 minute (I was wearing a condom)

2. I fingered her anus for 2-3 seconds with the thumb of my right hand and using lubricant

3. I then continued rubbing my penis and dipped the head of my penis (still wearing a condom) inside her anus for a second and pulled out because I was feeling terrible since I realised that I'm cheating

4. I went to the bathroom, pulled off the condom with (also with the thumb I was fingering her) and checked it (it was not broken), washed my hands (not really thorough) , masturbated till I came and left her flet

I don't know if my guilt is causing the HIV anxiety but i'm totally worried that some of her rectal fluids, which may were present on my thumb and condom, touched the tip of my penis when I pulled the condom off or some residual rectal fluid got rubbed into my penis while masturbating.

I also have a son who gets breastfeeded and I read that also mothers milk is an infectional body fluid. Also I learned that rectal fluid is as risky as blood.

Currently I have a bad cold and sore throat which started 10 days ago and which is not getting better (I'm on antibiotics now).

Should I get tested for HIV? I made the dumbest mistake of my life and now I'm in constant fear/guilt! Please excuse my english, I'm not a native speaker.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

In short, what you posted here wasn't an HIV risk. You fingered someone and had brief anal intercourse using a condom.

The fingering lacks the conditions, including the route needed for you to acquire HIV; hence, nobody has acquired HIV this way; rectal fluid or some blood is irrelevant in this context. Also, masturbating and touching yourself with the finger used to finger this woman isn't an HIV risk to you.

Regarding intercourse, HIV can't be transmitted through an intact latex or polyurethane condom, and unless a condom obviously fails during intercourse, there is no reason to be stressing or testing for HIV outside the standard yearly HIV screening.

I cheated my wife

I'll mention the same thing I always do when someone says they are in a relationship; If you engage in condomless sex with your partner, you are obviously at risk of acquiring HIV. In relationships, condomless sex is often based on trust or past test results; however, this does not prevent HIV, so if condomless sex does occur, you should consider testing more frequently.

Here's what you need to know to reduce your HIV risks:
Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse correctly and consistently, with no exceptions. Consider talking to your healthcare provider about PrEP as an additional layer of protection against HIV

Keep in mind that some sexual practices described as safe in terms of acquiring HIV still pose a risk for other easier-acquired STIs. So please do get tested at least yearly for STIs, including but not limited to HIV, and more frequently if condomless intercourse occurs.

Also, note that it is possible to have an STI and show no signs or symptoms; testing is the only way to know.

Kind regards

Jim

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[User2024]

Thank you very much Jim! I wasn't expacting such a fast reply!

What I forgot to mention in my post - sorry, I'm in a really bad mental condition currently:

Today I also called an HIV hotline in the country where I'm living - this was the begin where I started panic attacking and googling! They told me that it is rather unlikely but there still is a residual risk to aquire HIV and other STIs from this encounter if enough (one drop is sufficient they said) rectal fluid from the condom/thumb touched my penis. I asked them for more details and got told that scientists/studies have controversal opinions on how long HIV stays infectionous outside the human body. So they could not give me a final assessment on the encouter and advised me to get tested in 2 weeks but that I should not worry too much.

My guilt/fear from this encounter doesn't allow me to get a clear mind anymore. When I'm looking at my wife and son I get panic attacks when thinking about putting them at risk for HIV.

I believe your expertise and therefore kindly ask you to once re-ensure: I had zero risk from this encounter and I do not have to fear that I spread HIV to my wife and son? Sorry, I am totally out of my mental control - but that's what I deserve!

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

I've answered this already. There was no HIV risk from the activities posted here with the women.

The fingering and then touching your penis afterwards lack the conditions needed to acquire HIV; the drop of fluid is irrelevant; hence nobody has since the start of this pandemic 40+ years ago acquired HIV the way the helpline fears, and you will not be the world's first either. 

The intercourse I have also explained already and the only potential HIV risk mentioned would be any other sex you may have had, like with your wife.

other STIs from this encounter

Of course, you had STI risks. For Example, during intercourse with a condom, there is an STI risk as some STIs, unlike HIV, can be acquired through skin-to-skin or skin-to-skin contact in the areas not covered by the condom during intercourse.

It just wasn't an HIV concern.

Keep in mind that some sexual practices described as safe in terms of acquiring HIV still pose a risk for other easier-acquired STIs.

[Jim Allen]

Perhaps apologize to the woman you cheated with; it sure doesn't sound like you rocked her world.

My guilt

See, I can't help you with guilt.

This is just an HIV assessment; that's all we do. Sex, sexual desire and drive are perfectly normal, healthy things, and sex outside of a relationship happens more frequently regardless of gender than we as a society or publicly as individuals want to admit.

[User2024]

Dear Jim, thank you very much once again.

Your assessment helps me a lot to calm down my nerves a little bit! My biggest fear is/was that I put my family to danger because of my stupidness. When you say that this was zero risk, I try my best to focus on that!

I also don't know why the helpline assessed some (residiual) HIV risk. Maybe they need to do so, so that people don't take HIV too carelessly?! Also on other websites/forums (e.g. Dr. Hook and Dr. Handsfield) I read that HIV is only transmitted (in terms of sex) in condomless intercourse when the penis is INSIDE the vagina or anus. In my region however, also indirect contacts (like i had) are seen and listed as risks.

Regarding the apologize to the woman, you are totally right and I did this before leaving her flat. Although she was a (hobby) sexworker, thats the minimum I could have done. Of course I also paid her the full price.

The whole pregnancy and the last 5 months after birth were not easy: no sex, post partum depression of my wife, burnout, new job...but I don't want to bother you with that and I totally understand that you are only providing HIV risk assessments and I am very thankful you did so! The guilt is what I need to deal on my own now and I hope I can find peace with myself soon and enjoy my little family to the fulltest without the fear of HIV.

Thank you Jim! For everything!

[Jim Allen]

You're welcome.

The whole pregnancy and the last 5 months after birth were not easy: no sex, post partum depression of my wife, burnout, new job...but I don't want to bother you with that

It's not easy, I know. I've got two kids and an ex-wife ... I know it's exhausting for both of you. (No, if you were wondering, she is not an ex because I stuck my finger or anything else in another woman; she is an ex for other reasons)

Talk to your wife, perhaps not about the finger in the sex worker but about life, how you are both feeling; even if you can't change anything about it today, at least talk, try to be nice towards each other, support her, I know it's hard when your exhausted but try. Focus on the little things & moments, and when your son is a bit older, you have more adult time and prehaps some "normality" when he about 30+ years old.