Positive about being Positive... and a TY!

[Elephant]

Hey,

     I'm writing more to vent than anything else. I've got one friend who knows, God bless him for seeing me through this, he's been pos for 24 years and he's been a pillar for me.

     About me? I came out at 16 and moved out of home. I've had 5 important men in my life of various lengths of time, the 2 most significant were a 10 year and an 8 year relationship. All but one of them are still a part of my life. I'm 38 as of March 23rd.

     I was told I'd tested + on March 12th after a checkup at my new primary care physician.
     No, I don't have anything that prompted me thinking I could be +, I hadn't been tested in a year and I've kept fairly regular on testing. I don't know the 'when' I got infected. All I know is last year I was - . Now I'm +.

     It's funny, you think you'll know how you will react given news like that. I didn't. React that is. I think that threw my Family doc off when she told me. I can guess the expected reactions. I didn't.
     It will be a month soon and I still haven't "reacted". It was two weeks before I started feeling "sad", but not for any real reason. Just this messed up thing where I feel tears coming without a trigger. (Yes, I did cry once with my friend.)

     Me? I'm kind of OK. I'm "processing". I don't want to put all of this on any one friend so... I'm here.

     This has been an odd ride to say the least.

- Thursday March 12th I was told I tested + [ bloodwork ]

- Monday March 16th I saw and 'Infectious Disease Specialist'. (That title did bother me...)
This guy gave me a lesson of 80s AIDs... He drew a graph showing me the T cells vs. Viral load, the initial spike in the VL, the lowering of the VL and then when the VL goes back up. He then said when the VL goes back up is when I'd acquire Pneumonia or wasting or .... whatever.
My friend was PISSED OFF when I told him!
He recommended me to another ID Dr. I got an appt. the next day.

- Tuesday March 17th - Saw the ID Dr. that my friend got me a recommendation for. (Again another thanx to my friend because this Dr. wasn't taking on new patients.)
I'm not going to "die", I'm going to get treated.

- Friday March 20th - The results were in VL 26,000 and T 442

- Saturday March 21st I flew out to see my friend.
- Monday March 23rd was my birthday. I hit 38.
- Wednesday March 25th I flew home.

- Thursday March 26th - [ bloodwork ] (The 1st ID Dr. didn't order all the needed bloodwork)

- Tuesday, March 31st. - I have my next appt.  All the bloodwork won't be in so I don't think this is the day I'll start meds but that's coming up. (Yes I'll probably opt to start them.)

- Friday April 3rd I'm moving to a new apartment. I'm working all this week and packing at the same time.

It's been a whirl wind.

How do I feel?

     Aside from the sudden urges to tear up I feel fine. Some word do trigger that 'cry' urge. "Infected" is the big one. I don't like the numbers thing much either. "CD4", "VL" etc...

     Telling people? I'm not there yet. I don't feel the need to let people know yet. I'm not ready if there are 'bad reactions'. (I did tell my x, he's really upset.) I've told the one person at work that I needed to because of all the Dr. appt's. 

     Sex? Dating? That is going to SUCK! I'd ended my 8 year one year ago and I was just starting to date again...

Overall?

     I've been very very lucky. I know I mention my friend a lot but you have no idea how much of a life saver he's been. I didn't have a clue what do do 1st or next or what to expect and he's been there for me every step of the way. Thinking how lucky I am to have him in my life will make me cry... When I see him again I think I will cry. OK, I know I will.

     I don't want our friendship to pivot on this so I'm here. I guess this is "the next step".

Hey! Who forgot to print the "How-To" manual on all of this?

Dam... I wrote a lot more than I expected. If you read this far . . .  you MUST be bored! HA!
 
:-)

[Highlyfaveured]

I know how you feel, It will be 19 years in June and sometimes I still feel numb about this whole thing.

[Miss Philicia]

It's definitely always advantageous to have a best friend that is also already dealing with HIV.  I was similarly fortunate when I was diagnosed, though this one often attempted to give me questionable information that I often blocked out.  Still great for support.

Anyway, welcome to the forums.

[Elephant]

Ty.

    I do have a question.
    Are support groups like aa groups where you all sit in a room in a church basement or something? I don't think I'm ready for that. I'm thinking a counselor or something for now but finding one seems a little harder than I expected. My work's insurance doesn't have an applicable section for hiv that I can find....

 

[dtwpuck]

Support groups are tough for me too.... they're too structured for my right-brained personality.   Your local AIDS resources will have information about counselling.   

You might find that seeking out others locally with hiv (not that hard to find) will provide you with a sounding board.    Whatever you do, find someone to help you.  There are lots of us out there and some of us who very much regret their decision to close themselves off after they seroconverted.  (Like me).  As a result, I went through severe, isolating depression for much of the 90's.  It was unneccesary.     You have a gift for being articulate.  Ask for help, even if you're scared of someone knowing.  Someday, you can return the favor to someone else.