Kinda not so happy lately.

[Mouse]

Yeah, I know I am pretty much just following the masses here in this, but I have been pretty depressed lately.

I know it's really a combination of things. We are having a lot of money problems, I have been having issues with both of my parents, I am stressed out about starting college in August, I am in a probably not-so-healthy relationship right now (I don't even think it's fair to call it a relationship, lol). Everyone I've spoken to said I need to just sit down and work on these issues one by one or it's just going to continue to seem impossible, but whenever I try to it's just too much. Since I've started HRT I have found it difficult to cry, which is something I've heard is very common for FTMs on testosterone, especially in comparison to how often they'd cried before. But lately, I've been crying like every other day, which is really, really unusual for me and it's been frightening.

I am having serious body image issues, too. In the year that I started testosterone I ballooned up to like 170lbs, panicked, and then got myself back down to 135 where I am now - and whereas a year ago where I would have been pleased to be this size after having been so underweight for such a long time before I gained all that weight, I am actually very depressed about it and find myself just wanting to be skinnier. I'll go days eating normally, feel guilty about it, and eat next to nothing for like a week or two afterwards. I am really embarrassed about this and have only spoken about it with a few people. The concerning thing I think for me is the fact that when I think about it, I really DON'T want to go to anyone about it because I am afraid they will prevent me from continuing to lose weight which is definitely something I don't want. I know how insane that sounds (are you crazy if you know you're crazy? lol).

The time that I haven't spent with the guy that I am sorta with (at least in a sexual relationship with right now) I have spent in my room reading and panicking about not being prepared for college and feeling really underprepared and inadequate and worrying that I will do awful in school after going through all this stress and paying all this money, which is really a thought I can't handle. My sister brought me to the shore a couple weeks ago, but while I was there the guy I am seeing showed up and I wound up spending the majority of the time with him. In fact, the only time in which I have actually been relatively happy and in a good mood was last week, when I took another trip down to Philadelphia to visit Philly again. I seriously cannot describe the feeling of constantly hiding things about yourself and being secretive to everyone in your life about one thing or another, and then spending time with someone who you don't feel the need to hide anything from. It's very liberating and it meant a lot to me. :/

I actually broke down and called my mom about a half hour ago and asked her if we can schedule an appointment to start seeing a new therapist, because the last one I went to months ago was a twit. She told me she wouldn't be able to get me in before I start college at the end of next month, and that I should just wait it out because I know there are people I can talk to for free there. I just worry that no one there is really qualified to handle the sort of issues that I am going to be presenting them with. LOL.

I haven't spent time with any of my friends that are my own age in literally months. I am feeling totally lonely lately, and very trapped, and very frightened. I hope when I start school I'll be able to find help there, but it's going to be a struggle keeping a handle on my emotions and not acting irrationally until then. I haven't vented like this openly in a while and I'm sure the people I speak to normally about these things are tired of hearing me, so yeah. I'm sorry for the wall of text that this post is. If you actually read all this, thank you, lol.

[Alain]

Mouse,

I am sorry that you are going through all this at this time.

When we look at everything that is a struggle going around us all at the same time, it is creating too much stress and it feels like there is no way out.

You are so determine to succeed, at least that is what I know of you,

Maybe trying to prioritizing issues and dealing with them one at the time no matter how hard it is, would be kinder to your body and mind.

I feel for you and I certainly understand you being lonely.

Best of luck, you can do it.

[Snowangel]

Hi Mouse-
Sorry to hear you going through so much right now.  I think what you are feeling about college is probably pretty normal , I remember feeling the same way, you will do fine especially when you get there and find out that everyone is in the same boat.
Things will have a way of working themselves out.  You have a good start, putting what you are feeling in writing. Just work your hardest at controling the things you actually have control over and try not to stress out and worry yourself too much(please read as  -eat right and exercise, instead of, not eating at all )
Take care of yourself,
Snow

[Peter6836]

Mouse,
You are such a wonderful person, do not let things get you down. Concentrate on the things that make you feel better. I made a list of my needs just recently and it helped I shared it with a couple of people here that have been so supportive to me. Perhaps such a list would be helpful to you.
I so know what you are going through, I have been fighting depression and that old disease "I am not good enough"  for a while.
The best I can tell you is that we need to keep positive and remember that we are great people. I know you are a fascinating person who has a great intellect and a lot of love to share.
Make that list keep you head up and focus on what you need.
Depend on all the people on here their are great people that belong to poz.
I have great respect for you and have a certain love for you after all I have read about you through your posts. I will be thinking about you feel free to pm me if you want to talk.
Take care
Peter

[Winiroo]

I just wanted to let you know I read your post and wanted to send you a big ole Mommy type hug.

[minismom]

Jaser, I read every word and just want to join in with Wendy and give you a big ol' group mommy-type hug.  You have the world on your shoulders and I hope that you find someone that you can talk to.  Know that we are always here whenever you need us.

Mum

[Peter Staley]

Jaser -- I know you've got people that really love you here, and can help you get through periods like this.  I agree with Snow that things will probably look much better after a few weeks at college, once the fear of the unknown has turned into the excitement of new experiences.

We've all got your back Mouse!

xoxo

Peter

[Iggy]

Yeah, I know I am pretty much just following the masses here in this, but I have been pretty depressed lately.

Jaser,

I don't think you should ever be so self-effacing as to place yourself in the "following the masses" category.

You've been given a lot of great feedback (and I agree that things are probably going to feel somewhat more controllable when you get your groove going in college) but I did want to add something.

You have handled so much more then most people could even contemplate dealing with at any stage of their life, let alone such an early stage. If your emotional state is just sort of in a reaction/slow down period as a result of a lot of things coming together, then so be it for the time being and don't worry too much about it.

Frankly, I won't be surprised to read about how you are slapping down dumb frat boys in a few weeks.

[BT65]

Well dear, I agree that your just experiencing pre-college jitters that seem to take over many areas of your life.  About the relationship......how do you really feel about this guy?  Maybe you should give it a little break and hang out with your friends for awhile.  It might help to be around friends before going off to college; you know, just hanging out with them and having a little fun.

I used to have jitters when I went to the first college I attended.  I felt like "what if I can't find the room my class is in?" etc.  Of course, I did find the rooms, and everything turned out alright in the end.  I know that's kind of a lame comparison, but just a little example of some of the heebee-jeebies I had.

About the body image issues, that's really something a professional should handle.  But I think most of that is probably pretty normal.  I felt the same way when I was about your age.  I used to eat just peanut butter on crackers some days.  It all evened out with time.

 Good luck.  You know we're here.
  Luv,
Betty

[bear60]

Hey!
Whats this about body image?  I just saw you here in Philadelphia week before last and you looked great and never had any body image problems I could see. But then...as I said....I am not you and can never know what you are going thru. 
As for this: "I'll go days eating normally, feel guilty about it, and eat next to nothing for like a week or two afterwards. I am really embarrassed about this and have only spoken about it with a few people. " quote you.
I think if it werent for the fact that you are HIV positive, it wouldnt matter too much.  But if I'm not mistaken, you need to take good care of the body rather than abuse it....which includes eating well . I dont mean eating and gaining weight....but just eating a regular diet and maintaining a proper weight.  Oh ...did I mention exercise?

Best wishes
Joel

[newt]

Well Mouse, you are a star for me

life gets better as you get older IMHO, in my experience, 18-24 is the hardest time of life, it can seem good and shiny, but this is luck really.

I just been looking at some photos of me aged 21, boy how small and strange was I, life gets better, you will do the most unexpected things, the need/care for/about secrecy gets less, I know this for sure.

Boy you's miles ahead of me, I didn;t even have a rat till I was 34

- matt

Now playing: What's Going On, Marvin Gaye

[Mouse]

I love you guys, srsly.

I was just telling a certain penguin about how much it means to me that even when I go away to college I can take you all along with me. Like friends-in-a-box, lol.

Once I get to college, the issue with this guy I'm sorta seeing will hopefully be sorted as I'll be too far away to see him, which is good. I just keep telling myself to struggle through it until then and it'll be much easier. Everything else? I'm going to have to actually sit down and think about, I guess. Some of the problems I just can't do anything about, and I guess I just have to learn to live with them until then.

I really want to just go and be successful and escape all of the difficulties I'm having right now. I know how idealistic that is and probably essentially impossible, but it's the only thing keeping me motivated. I don't want to deal with the problems my parents are having, I want to get past them, and I want to move on and not have to deal with them. It's not as though I have any aspirations that are very unusual or anything. I would be fine with a nicely furnished and decorated apartment somewhere where there are a lot of interesting things going on all the time, somewhere beautiful. I'd like a stable, sane, mildly attractive boyfriend which whom I share several similar interests and possibly a cat and a large collection of books and a steady, well-paying job that has something to do with writing or something like that. (I guess I can compromise on some things, like the cat... although I must admit it's hard for me to give up Mr. Whiskers even though he doesn't even exist yet.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I feel like there is a way out of all of these things and I just need to stop feeling so sorry for myself all the time (and so GUILTY) in order to find that way out, but sometimes I'm just too frustrated to even get out of bed. I know things are moving along for me, but I won't feel it until I'm actually in school, I suppose. I need to be on my own. I can't live with my dad any longer and I can't feel this dependence on my parents any longer. I need to start feeling like I have some control and am capable of dealing with my own problems, which are two things that I am at a serious want for right now.

But, in any case, you all mean a lot to me, and I feel much better getting a lot of this out in the open and talking about it (which is totally why I need another therapist). I feel a lot more grounded today and kinda like I'm doing all of this as means to an end, which is a lot more optimistic than just feeling like I am just stuck in a shit-filled hole. As long as I keep telling myself that none of this is permanent, I think I'll be alright.

[Ann]

I'd like a stable, sane, mildly attractive boyfriend which whom I share several similar interests and possibly a cat and a large collection of books and a steady, well-paying job that has something to do with writing or something like that.

You and the rest of the world, mate.

You'll get through this.

Really.

Your friend in a box,
Ann
xxx

[AlanBama]

Honey, you are head-and-shoulders above most kids your age.  I hope you can find a good therapist or counselor, or SOMEONE to talk to.   I totally understand what it's like to be forced to feel 'secretive' about stuff....it sucks.

We're all here for you sweetie.

Love & hugs,

Alan