Help on mentally preparing myself to start taking meds

[mecch]

Negatives:
1) I have a dependency
2) Always need to be mindful of insurance, job, etc. to make sure I have money to pay for meds on a daily basis - it's not like my simvistatin that I can safely miss on occasion and it won't harm me
3) Side effects (albeit, seems like they will be minimal) - Complera
4) Toxicity of them

1) Dependency? clarify please.
2) When one comes to terms that HIV medicine is the only way to live NOW, then this reasoning about being able to stay on meds for the duration, thus the insurance/job/cost factors, no longer offers a counter argument. Either you need the drugs now or you dont. If you need them now, and CAN have them now, then you take them now. Yes, worry how you will pay for them this year, starting them.  But  you dont worry about 4 years from now. When the world might be a war. Or your country goes bankrupt. Or you simply lose your job and must scramble to find the funding for the medicine.  Its simply not an issue in the immediate.  This is not to say its not a legimate fear - how will i always provide for my health and safety. But rather, its a misplaced fear in the reasononing around a decision to start or not start life-saving medicine.  You see.  I mean many of us have real fears for the future - will we have incomes, let alone jobs, secure housing - health care, etc etc. etc.  I discuss these fears rather often with my shrink because in Switzerland the culture is MUCH less precarious and its not natural to have all these fears, that Americans and people in more precarious cultures do have.  But, still, you have to really make the best of now. When you do have housing, job or income, do have health care, etc etc. 
4) Toxicity.  Same logic as 2.  HIV is HIGHLY "toxic".   Also, I missed the memo from my ID that my HAART is "toxic".

Forrest, Im thinking back now.  Do I recall correctly, or incorrectly, that you have rolling thoughts and or some obsessive thinking about many things in life?  Maybe I remember incorrectly.

[forrest]

Hi all

Sorry about the delay in response.  I read on here nearly every night... to keep up... but I don't always have the energy or mindset to reply.   

I promised that I would reply tonight though although I don't think I am thinking the clearest tonight. I am a bit tired.

I appreciate everyone's responses although I don't think I will reply individually to each - please don't be offended   

Em is right actually... the counselor wanted me to do a pro and con list just like Leatherman says they do at his ASO.  I typically am not a pro and con sort of guy actually.  I did one when I moved to a different state but in general, I just don't do them.  The point of him wanting me to do it is more of the negatives (cons).  He was going to try and dig into "what" is troubling me.  It was his way of trying to dig into why this bothers me.

Yes Bug, it has been over a year since I found out... however, it hasn't been a year that I have grappled with this.  It was when I signed up for the forum and yes, I have struggled with it since.  Trust me, I'd like to 'get over it' but for whatever reason, my brain is struggling with starting these particular meds.  If I were forced into it, it would probably be different. However, I am not at that point.

Do I NEED to start now?  No. Would it be advantageous? My doctors seem to think so.  The thing that really hit me was the whole M&M analogy.  That nearly pushes me over the fence to get on them.  It's too bad the START study isn't conclusive (finished yet).

Mecch, yes, I do tend to over think certain things, but this is a big decision in my mind.  I am not being forced onto them, it's voluntary at this point, which I really think makes it more difficult. Am I making the right decision to start early... or, do I enjoy the freedom.  You wanted me to clarify "dependency"... like that segway... went right into it... haha

What I mean by that is I have a dependency on these meds and all that comes with that - something I don't have now.  If I forget my Simvastatin, oh well...  it's not going to kill me.  Or, if I didn't take it for a couple weeks even.  However, not with Complera.  Do I skip my current meds? No. I am really good with taking meds.  This is just one more pill that will go in the pill box. No biggie.

I think I have even figured out that I will take it at lunch every day. I eat lunch about he same time every day of the week and all I have to do is bump up my calorie intake by about 100, which shouldn't be any issue. I THINK by taking it at lunch, I will then be able to take my Zegerid (PPI) at night since it's well over 4 hours since I have taken the Complera.

I'm trying to figure out why I am having a struggle with this... that was the whole point of the pro and con. Most of you probably think I'm nuts... oh well. I know that I am not.   I just don't always know why I think or feel the way I do and that is what I am trying to do in a very public forum. 

I have little support with HIV.  Thus, me talking about it here is basically all I have.  I even thought about just not saying anything more in this and just trying to do it on my own.  But I don't think I can. It can be frustrating when people make comments about the amount of time it's taking me to process this. It's like... sorry... I do it at a different pace. We all process things differently and at a different pace.

I just don't know what it will take to CLICK with me.  Something will finally click... and then I will be.. okay, time to start.

If anything... this thread will be helpful for others that are struggling.  I hope in some way, other newbies will read this and see the struggles and what others have commented on and it will help them, too.  Someone (I can't remember who) already said it helped them... that sort of thing totally makes my day.

All I can say is that I am sorry for the slow processing... and for whatever reason things not sinking in.  Maybe if my doctors and some others haven't told me that yes, you need to be "mentally prepared" to take these... I dunno. I know my doc wants me to start, but he said that he can't make me start and that it's important that *I* be ready, it doesn't matter what he thinks.  So, I am trying to be ready. 

After a doc visit today with a sleep specialist (on the life long fatigue), she agreed that I should get my sleep study done along with a visit to the GI doc (in conjunction for some special testing) BEFORE I go on meds.  She actually so happens to be my ID' doc's wife    So that is pretty cool. And she was just as cool as him with giving me over an hour of her time today   

What will it take for me? I just don't know... I'm trying.... trust me.. I'm trying to be prepared. 

What would probably be helpful is for some who have not gone on meds and are in the same shoes as me... or have gone through this mental back and forth and then finally went on meds... what was the straw for them? A lot of folks are just forced onto them b/c their numbers are bad. In some respects it's a curse when you don't have the bad numbers because like Mecch has stated before, it leaves more time to think... and for someone like me, that's not always a good thing. 

I've read this thread many times actually... but I just don't remember a ton... that is an issue I have been struggling with... memory. I can read something and remember crap.  If I remembered more, it would probably be a lot more helpful too... but that is another story....

I think I am rambling. Sorry.

[leatherman]

I know my doc wants me to start, but he said that he can't make me start and that it's important that *I* be ready, it doesn't matter what he thinks.  So, I am trying to be ready.

exactly!!
now the chance of side effects is small (don't forget there may always be some as you adjust to the meds coming into your body and the HIV dying off), and that there are others meds to switch to and ways you can compensate for side effects.

However, it is best for you to be ready for the meds. that way IF you do have some "issues" for a while, you'll be engaged with dealing with the problems and hanging on through them. If you're not ready for the meds, you might use any excuse to quit, slack off on the meds, or slide into some depression. Since it takes >95% adherence, you do need to be geared up for starting the meds and dealing with all the side effects until everything works out and your numbers level out.