My bf is Positive

[Null]

My bf is HIV positive, he didn't disclose his status to me. I dated him knowing he's positive,but he doesn't know I know.. he's been a bit distant and cold, we cool on whatsApp but when we indoors he's not comfortable, but if we go out or there's other people around he's ok. He's been saying he wants to tell me something but he's not ready. So I started the HIV chat to put him at easy, that because I'm negative doesn't mean I won't be with a positive person. I'm well educated on the virus, there's PEP drug which I always have, there's prep if there's need for it and ofcourse there perso would be taking ARVs so chances of getting HIV are very low. I wanted him to know I don't stigmatize or discriminate positive people. So I went for my HIV screening, I told him my results(-). I told him even before, so ever since then he's been distant. How do I tell him I still want him with his virus? that I'm gonna support him? I get it, it might not be easy for him to disclose, maybe he fear rejection. Please help how do I tell him I know his status in a polite way and I still want to be with him.

[leatherman]

ofcourse there perso would be taking ARVs so chances of getting HIV are very low.

actually the chances aren't "very low" .... the chances are null. For someone living with HIV taking antiretrovirals and Undetectable for 6 months the chance of transmitting HIV is ZERO.
U=U or undetectable = untransmittable

How do I tell him I still want him with his virus? that I'm gonna support him? I get it, it might not be easy for him to disclose, maybe he fear rejection. Please help how do I tell him I know his status in a polite way and I still want to be with him.

well don't tell him you want him "with his virus". It's nobody's virus, it's just another disease and no one owns it... or wants it.

Just tell him you know he's living with HIV and still want to be with him. Quit beating around the bush. Since you know his status, quit talking around the subject. If you're going to really be in a good relationship with someone, you need to be honest and forthright.

Oh! and if he gets upset that somehow you found out his status, don't take offense. He's obviously been trying to hold that information until an appropriate time and somehow you know his personal medical information...and have been hiding that you know that information. If he takes offense, own up to your part in the deception.

[Null]

Thank you so much Leatherman, I will talk to him, maybe things are gonna be better. He also doesn't like sex, I think he feels bad cause he hasn't disclosed his status, we doing great on chats and dates but indoors he gets abit uncomfortable.

[leatherman]

He also doesn't like sex

Since HIV is mostly a sexually transmitted disease a lot of people have issues about having sex for a while after diagnosis....and sometimes beyond. People realize this isn't just the usual STI where there's some discomfort, discharge, and a shot will clear it up; so they get worried about transmitting it to others. Of course the easiest way to not transmit HIV is simply to not have sex - and that's the route a lot of people take. It takes time, a boost of self-esteem, support, and knowledge to get past this barrier.

wonder if he knows about U=U?  Not everyone does yet. If your partner is on treatment, reaches an undetectable viral load, and remains adherent to the meds (so the viral load stays undetectable) for 6 months then there's no chance of transmission. that's the good news; the bad news is that knowledge doesn't always fix emotional/mental issues that come with the diagnosis. That takes time, support, and time. (yes, I meant to put time in there twice )

[Null]

Thank you so much.. right now, I don't even think he takes ARVs.. and I always say to him lack of knowledge is dangerous...I will try talk to him and tell him that he has my support.

[Jim Allen]

Hiya,

Yeah, talk to him.

I have to ask though, if he did not tell you himself that he is living with HIV and he is not taking meds, how do you factually know he is living with HIV?

Jim

[Null]

Hi Hiya,

I have dated someone positive before, and I don't have a problem with that, it's my personal choice. The person didn't tell me he was positive, even though I could see shingles and he wanted to have sex without condom but didn't want to go test with me. So I hacked the system and found out he is positive and he just then started his medication and his viral load was too high.

Ever since then I told myself, whoever I meet I will check them out and protect myself cause most people they don't disclose their status and don't want to use condom. I saw my current bf there and he had one visit which I assume the day he found out, no record of him following up. I know what I do is invasion of privacy but I get myself knowing and very aware of what I'm getting myself to.

[Jim Allen]

When I think I've heard it all, supprise 😂😂😂

protect myself

Well that's simple enough to do, use condoms & PrEP regardless of what you think someone's HIV status might be.

look don't post anything outside of this thread and
I'll step out for now and be eating popcorn on the sidelines. 

[leatherman]

even though I could see shingles and he wanted to have sex without condom but didn't want to go test with me.

shingles has nothing to do with HIV.

a positive HIV result can take from 18-45 days after the initial exposure, so a one-off test isn't a guarantee depending on the risk exposures of a sexual partner.

protect myself

protect yourself with condoms and PrEP. the condoms will help prevent other STIs too, so win-win

cause most people they don't disclose their status and don't want to use condom.

wow. that's a pretty sweeping assumption about people you don't know, and in my personal and clinical experience, a false assumption. these forums are filled with people worried about disclosing, who to disclose to, and the best ways to disclose. Perpetuating the myth that People Living with HIV are putting others at risk only perpetuates stigma which reduces testing. Unfortunately the people most likely to transmit HIV are people who are untested. Up to 90% of HIV transmission is by people who haven't been diagnosed.

So I hacked the system and found out he is positive and he just then started his medication and his viral load was too high.

I know what I do is invasion of privacy but I get myself knowing and very aware of what I'm getting myself to.

that's not an "invasion of privacy", that's the crime of theft of medical records. What you really need to be very aware of is the felony charge with up to 18 months in prison and up to $100k fine (at least in a couple of states that I know of) and loss of employment.