+ I messed up my life.

[raysoda7777]

I've messed up my life. I regret everything now.
I am not going to have a wife and babies for the rest of my life.
I am also worrying about my parents who always did good things for me.

Please forgive me....

[Kardean]

Talk to us.
Tell us what is going on.

[Ruefulwonder]

I feel the same way Raysoda....it was hard enough finding someone before I was HIV...but now? Who's going to want me when I come with HIV? It's a futile, sad feeling. I wanted to get married someday.

[raysoda7777]

I got the HIV positive. My life is messed up now. I've ruined it. Everything is meaningless. I am crying. That is all I can do now.

[absopozilutely]

Woah, STOP. Take a deep breath. This is not the end of the world! You all can still have babies and get married and there's plenty of people that have a positive and a negative partner. Calm down! This is NOT what it was 5-10 years ago, we have come leaps and bounds! Seriously breath. Don't feed into or listen to the stigma. Life keeps going, you still have a very full happy life ahead of you. Just slow it down, calm your brain down, and relax. It's stressful, I know I've been going through this for 7 months, I get it. I can and many others relate to where you're at. You will be fine.

[raysoda7777]

I may give up my life once I make my decision.

[Since1993]

I may give up my life once I make my decision.

There are worse things in life than contracting HIV.  Treated, you can live with HIV for decades now, no longer the death sentence it once was.  Now if you were told you had Stage 4 lung cancer, your life expectancy would be much shorter.

All you have to do is go the doctor, take 1 pill a day, eat well, exercise and go on with your life.  There are options for children and marriage.  In many ways, today is the first day of your new life.  Call your doctor and/or go to the emergency room if you are having suicidal thoughts.  There is a lot of help out there and people willing to help you through this difficult transition.  Millions are in the same boat as you and we're here to tell you life is precious and we strive to live better everyday.  I hope you do too.

[YellowFever]

I hate to be the one to scream 'Wo ist deine papieren?!' but..

Tell us your story!  Have you been tested and confirmed? False positives can and do happen.

[initforlife]

Hi Ray, Like others have said  it is not the end of the world. We are all here living with hiv. Yes the dx is a hard pill to swallow at first. but first calm down and listen to the people on this board who have been living with this a long time. You can still get married and have kids. Don't beat yourself up. as my life saver tells me all the time let go of the anger. it isn't good for you. Lets us all here help you please don't think about ending it contact your Dr if you need help right now. I  had to do the same thing, I'm doing much better. Hugs! and welcome you came to the right place!

[POS07-11-2014]

Hi Ray,

I was recently diagnosed as positive on 7/11/2014, less than one month ago.

As a little time goes by and you relax a little, life will look better. Your life is not over by any stretch. My doctor told me that HIV is not what it once was. He equated the disease to Diabetes. He told me that if you take your pill each day and check your numbers regularly (every six months or so) life is fine.

I have actually read studies that indicate that people with HIV have a longer life expectancy because people with HIV tend to be more health conscious than those that do not have HIV (Which makes sense  to me).

As someone else already said above, there are a lot worse diseases to have than HIV. Heart Disease or Cancer come to mind for me. Dont get me wrong, I have only known for about 3 weeks and I have already begun to make subtle changes in my life. Seeing doctors is new to me, but it has to be done. The things that you might have to do are not a big deal compared to what others with disease have to do.

My point is to please try to calm down a littlle and take things slower. Don't freak out so much and do real relavent research of what HIV today means and dont fall victem to what it used to mean.

You have friends here who care about you and want to help you through this process. People here have helped me to calm myself down, relax a little and take it one day at a time. I am confident that I will get my CD4 count up (I am at 276) and my viral load down (I am at 312,472) in no time once the doctors put me on my pill per day.

If there are specific things you are worried about, please tell us what they are so that poeple who have lived it can help calm you down.

Be well!

[Tonny2]

I've messed up my life. I regret everything now.
I am not going to have a wife and babies for the rest of my life.
I am also worrying about my parents who always did good things for me.

Please forgive me....

Hi, its normal you are feeling like this, you can cry, scream, kick, whatever makes you feel better...then, you will see thing more clear, it's not the end of the world, you will be able to marry, have kids,you can continue with your life....so, please try to relax and it will take time for you to adjust to your new life...I wish you luck, and if you need support, you will get it here, for sure   ;p

[mecch]

Please forgive me....

Who is this addressed to?

Us? - a bunch of fellow HIV+ people like yourself?
OK I forgive you!  Most of us have forgiven ourselves and each other. 

God?
If your god judges people for having a virus, maybe you should think again - ask some really deep thinkers in your religion if thats so.  I highly doubt any God judges sickness.

You friends and family?  Well, what's to forgive? As I said, its an annoying, dangerous, costly virus. But it is just a virus, and it has no morals.

Forgive yourself.   Probably you got HIV the old fashioned way like most of us humans - having sex.  Sex is good, and its a rotten deal and a pity that these viruses and bacteria are around, to sometimes ruin sex which is human and wonderful. 

You can get your life and mojo back if you forgive yourself and steel your back a bit to deal with society's stupid cowardly ignorant stigma.

 

[raysoda7777]

I am wondering how many years we can survive in average.

With taking medications and having side effects, are you correctly maintaining a job?

I have zero savings. I should work to get the treatment. Even I have to help my family financially.

I am worrying about the case of that I can not do my works correctly. And eventually, I get fired and no money to survive.

I feel too lonely. I can not share my status with my family and any friends.

I am going to be alone the rest of my life.

[Joe K]

Raysoda7777,

I merged your post from the Pre-HAART forum as that forum is only for those members who were diagnosed prior to 1996.  You are not permitted to post in this forum as you are newly infected.

It helps us, to help you, if you keep all your comments in one thread, as it is much easier to follow your story.

Joe

[mecch]

Raysoda - do you mind - may I ask where you live?  I don't want to assume anything. I know that living with HIV can be quite different around the world.

There is no obvious answer to your "how long can I survive" unless people know the details a bit, of your age, how long HIV+, what your access is to medical care and treatment.

Here in my country (Switzerland) someone with a new infection, who follows doctors advice, treatment as needed, doctors are telling such people "normal life expectancy."

Lots of people are living pretty normal lives with HIV.  Working, feeling strong, etc.

I got HIV about 5 or 6 years ago and took the medicine right away.  I never missed a day of work because of HIV. Now years later, I can't say I have any side effects from my medicine. 

HIV can be a HEAVY financial and social burden, yes, it's true.  It will help if you start talking about yourself and then people can start giving you specific feedback and info that will be useful and meaningful to YOU.

[raysoda7777]

Hi, Mecch

I live in USA and have a health insurance. I should maintain my job to be survived.
Which medication are you currently taking? Did you change them many times?
In these days, I barely sleep and couldn't eat well.
I feel so tired and can't focus on normal things. I miss my friends and my parents a lot.

Sometime later, someone in my working place may know my situation and the rumor will be spread over all places.
I don't know how I can work as normal with those eyes on me.
Due to my job, I have to meet many people everyday.
They will know that I am + and they may not want to work with me. 
Eventually, I am not going to maintain my position.
Without having appropriate $$$, my life is going to be miserable.
Perhaps, I am going to give up everything.

[mecch]

Hi Raysoda thanks for your confidence in us to say more!

First of all, has your HIV diagnosis been confirmed by Western Blot test? 

Who diagnosed you, and what have you learned so far about your "numbers" - cd4, viral load, etc.

Where are you going for medical care?


For the time being, learning of an infection is a big shock so its understandable that
you can't sleep, can't focus.

Please keep this in mind - an HIV diagnosis in the USA is not a big mystery or challenge to doctors.  HIV care and treatment is fully understood and mastered, as it were.  As long as someone follows doctor's "orders", one should expect a good long life. OK?

Second, there is NO reason to tell anyone at your work about this.

Third, people can't "tell" someone is HIV by looking, not in this day and age. Not usually.


How are you feeling generally, these weeks, months? Are you sick at all?  What made you test for HIV?

How long have you been at your job?  There is no reason to expect that living with HIV is going to mean you must lose you job?

Why do you miss your friends and parents?  Do you live far from them?

[raysoda7777]

I am missing my ex. She was always nice to me but I scratched her mind a lot.
I wanna say SORRY to her.
When we broke up, I was an bad assole.
Before I die, I am thinking of saying sorry to her.
When is going to be good timing?
Since I am mentally unstable now, should I wait several months?
Actually I wanna apologize several folks on the phone or text.

[newtome]

Ray --

As hard as it may be, you have to pull yourself together.  Where do you live?  (Sorry if you said where earlier, but I did not go through this thread to find out.).  Please, if you are able to, find a support group or something.  Save the apologies for later, after you adapt and are thinking in a less self-destructive manner.  Tell us about what steps you are taking for treatment, to feel better, and cope.  It will not seem so bad if you just type away, we can handle it. Okay?

NTM

[mecch]

Raysoda,  HIV is not death sentence. 

You are insisting that you are dying.  I find it both sad and frustrating that you can't talk to us about some facts.  You are typing a few sentences that make everyone pay attention, but then you can't communicate with us?

Do you understand that HIV is not a death sentence?

You could feel suicidal but it won't be based on the facts of how its manageable to live with HIV.

[tryingtostay]

I am going to be alone the rest of my life.

BS, we are all here for ya, and alot of LTS have great advice that you need to hear.  Me I just need to hear it again and again (thanks everybody)

There is life ahead for you and everyone else on this forum.

[Joe K]

Hello Ray,

Becoming poz is one of the most traumatic events you will ever experience, so please be kind to yourself.  You need to give yourself some time to adjust, so let yourself feel, whatever it is you feel, without the need to do anything about any of it.  Emotions are neither good or bad, they just are, but just because you feel something does not make it true.

I've been poz for 30 years and the hardest thing about adjusting to being pos is having to live with the uncertainty of continual health.  Today's medications will allow you to live a long life, but all of this can wait, because you need some time to adjust.

Please don't rush this adjustment.  Give you a break and realize that it will take time for you to learn how to manage your health and how to form a good partnership with your doctor.

Right now, take a deep breath and relax.  You are not going to die, anytime soon, so you will have plenty of time to make amends.  Right now, just concentrate on you.  And if you don't think you can handle this alone, please reach out to someone.  There is never any shame in admitting that some things in life are simply too big for us to handle alone.

Welcome to the forums.

Joe

[raysoda7777]

Guys,

Thank you for all of your comments!!!
I have my first appointment with the ID doctor next week.
I am reading many things from this forum now.

My question is which tablet is generally recommended at the very beginning?
I prefer to have one tablet per day, if possible.
It seems like there are many choices, stribild, truvada, etc.
What is your preferred/effective tablet?

[Jeff G]

Guys,

Thank you for all of your comments!!!
I have my first appointment with the ID doctor next week.
I am reading many things from this forum now.

My question is which tablet is generally recommended at the very beginning?
I prefer to have one tablet per day, if possible.
It seems like there are many choices, stribild, truvada, etc.
What is your preferred/effective tablet?

If you want one tablet you should be able to get one . I urge you to consider the fact that one tablet meds contain multiple meds and it takes no more a few seconds to take more than one pill, leaving the option open for multiple pill regimens gives you many more choices ... just something to consider .

[tednlou2]

Guys,

My question is which tablet is generally recommended at the very beginning?
I prefer to have one tablet per day, if possible.
It seems like there are many choices, stribild, truvada, etc.
What is your preferred/effective tablet?

Stribild, Atripla, and Complera are the one pill a day combos.  There is expected to be another soon, which includes Tivicay and Epzicom.  Truvada is not a one-pill a day regimen for those with HIV.  When you see Truvada taken as one pill a day, that is for PrEP, which is for negative folks to greatly reduce the chances of becoming infected.

Many docs are not starting with Atripla anymore.  It use to be the go-to, but it has a high rate of CNS side-effects.  Although, many do great on it.  You could do great on it.  Docs just figure there are better one-pill regimens now, which are just as effective or even shown to be better, without the CNS side-effects.  If you have a history with depression, then Atripla is not for you.  As I've been told, Complera also has some of the side-effects seen with Atripla.  It was explained to me as probably about half as bad (perhaps even less) as Atripla, in terms of CNS issues.  There is also a 400 calorie requirement with Complera, but most eat that many calories at breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Many eat 400 calories with dessert.  I suppose it depends on whether you would prefer to take it right at bedtime, where you would need those 400 calories.  Stribild should just be taken with "some food."  I have been told a 4oz yogurt would be enough. 

Tivicay with either Epzicom or Truvada are good choices, if you don't mind 2 pills.  As I said, Tivicay with Epzicom is expected to be available soon, as a one pill a day regimen.  All the best with your decision.  Jeff is right about considering other regimens.  Although, I know if you have 3 different scripts instead of one, you have to pay all 3 co-pays, instead of just one.  This only matters, depending on how your meds will be paid.  If you have insurance, then you will pay the co-pays for all three.  If you get meds through ADAP, then not an issue-- unless you are required to pay some of the cost. 

[raysoda7777]

Hi, Tednlou

Thank you for the detailed comments!
It seems like Stribild has less side effect according to your comments.
I may try it with yogurt right at bedtime although I should meet the ID doctor first.

[absopozilutely]

My friend Irisheyes took it with yogurt and unfortunately it can't be taken with dairy, so maybe not yogurt, but a slice of toast. And by dairy I mean milk yogurt liquids mostly, I take mine with cheese and sausage, ok fine a mcmuffin most days and it's fine, I was UD quickly. Best of luck!

[Irish Eyes]

I was taking stribild with 2 yogurts (300 cal) at night, and my doc suggested that was the possible reason for the blip in my numbers.
Reason being, the calcium in the yogurt inhibited the absorption of the med.

[tednlou2]

Hi, Tednlou

Thank you for the detailed comments!
It seems like Stribild has less side effect according to your comments.
I may try it with yogurt right at bedtime although I should meet the ID doctor first.

Oh, you should definitely go over all regimens with your doc and all the "pros and cons."  Stribild doesn't have the CNS issues that Atripla and to some degree Complera has.  As far as over-all side-effects, any med just depends on the person.  Stribild contains a booster drug, Cobicicstat, which has no activity against HIV.  It is just a booster.  Some don't like the idea of taking a drug, that doesn't really do anything against HIV.  Some may have issues with other meds (non-HIV) being boosted.  So, definitely discuss the regimens with your doc.  Having kidney issues, for example, will help guide a doc with which regimens are best.  Your doc and you can discuss your lifestyle and any medical issues, and make a better informed decision. 

[mecch]

I was taking stribild with 2 yogurts (300 cal) at night, and my doc suggested that was the possible reason for the blip in my numbers.
Reason being, the calcium in the yogurt inhibited the absorption of the med.

Which blip is that?

[Irish Eyes]

Which blip is that?

Between 4/14 and 5/12.

Be reminded that HIV and associated numbers are the least of my concerns in my daily life.
I believe ID was perhaps coming up with a possible reason/excuse as to why VL increased as opposed to natural occurrence.
Like I really cared !

[mecch]

That was NOT a blip.   A blip is when a person is undetectable for some time and then has a detected viral load.  As far as I can see, you had just started meds and had yet to reach UD.   Correct? Who called this a blip?

[skeebo1969]

I am wondering how many years we can survive in average.

With taking medications and having side effects, are you correctly maintaining a job?

I have zero savings. I should work to get the treatment. Even I have to help my family financially.

I am worrying about the case of that I can not do my works correctly. And eventually, I get fired and no money to survive.

I feel too lonely. I can not share my status with my family and any friends.

I am going to be alone the rest of my life.

This depends solely on you, and you alone.

Short story-- and I'll do my best to keep my experience short, because this is about you.

After I was diagnosed I lost everything.  I lost my house, my car, my wife, family pulled away, enjoyment, future; you get the idea.

Today, close to 10 years later I've realized something-- I didn't lose all the above because of HIV.  I lost those things due to the depression I was in.  The depression I ignored to treat.  I treated HIV successfully, but thought I could work through that whole depression thingy.

Boy, was I wrong.

All that stuff I mentioned I lost?  I've gotten it all back, every last bit of it.  I do have an ex-wife now, but I also have a wife who is my best friend.  The family came back because I wasn't an ass anymore.   I couldn't see what the real issue was, and trust people here probably saw it.  I've lost a good 7-8 years I can't get back because I simply fell apart, and never chose to get help for it.  Luckily, I eventually did.

I thank God I never gave up.  The child I had after HIV diagnosis (who's -) will never know she almost never came to be.

If there was one thing I could tell you, just one simple thing-- It would be to realize there will be another tomorrow.  And, you better plan for that tomorrow, because if you don't-- you'll be wasting today.

[raysoda7777]

Depression came back and crying again.
I am not sure how I am going to deal with this rest of my life.
I would like to have a girl I like as my wife and have kids with her.
Everything is over. I am so sad when I meet my friends with their family.
I don't think I can have the same thing in my life.

I am cursed from a witch.
This punishment is too much although I did make many mistakes and sometimes did bad things to other folks previously. It is too much.
God please forgive me.

[Almost2late]

Ray, I know how you feel believe me, but it does get better.. people here have told me the same thing, it gets better.. your not alone my friend.. Please try not to stress too much.. don't beat yourself up, we are all human and so are you.. How do you feel physically?

[mecch]

I am cursed from a witch.
This punishment is too much although I did make many mistakes and sometimes did bad things to other folks previously. It is too much.
God please forgive me.

Is this hyperbole, metaphor? Or do you believe in witches, witchcraft, etc?  Honest question...

Do you think you could explain a bit - what bad thing did you do - and hiv is a punishment.

I realise its a common enough world view that people see illness and disease as a punishment for sins.. 

1) Is sickness a punishment from God?

2) Can evil on earth, such as witches or sorcerers, inflict sickness?

I don't know the answers, only my own truth which is the answer is no and no.

I guess I am more intellectual and scientific than spiritual.  I suspect these two questions 1, 2, are asked out of psychology and biology, more than some spiritual or religious wisdom/dictate/belief.  Even though they ARE questions using religion and spirit, these are just vessels, in my opinion for something that is based in biology (survival instinct?) and psychology... 

The best essay that I know about using illness as a metaphor for sin is obviously Illness as Metaphor:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illness_as_Metaphor

Illness as Metaphor is a nonfiction work written by Susan Sontag and published in 1978. She challenged the "blame the victim" mentality behind the language society often uses to describe diseases and those who suffer from them.

Drawing out the similarities between public perspectives on cancer (the paradigmatic disease of the 20th century before the appearance of AIDS), and tuberculosis (the symbolic illness of the 19th century), Sontag shows that both diseases were associated with personal psychological traits. In particular, she says that the metaphors and terms used to describe both syndromes lead to an association between repressed passion and the physical disease itself. She notes the peculiar reversal that "With the modern diseases (once TB, now cancer), the romantic idea that the disease expresses the character is invariably extended to assert that the character causes the disease–because it has not expressed itself. Passion moves inward, striking and blighting the deepest cellular recesses."

Sontag went on to write AIDS and its Metaphors:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AIDS_and_Its_Metaphors

And I highly suggest it.  At least, give the wiki article a read.

_____

You got to find an escape hatch from this AIDS prison cell your mind has built...
You may not be able to marry the woman you have in mind now, it depends on whether she loves you and can deal with HIV, or not.  Thats her deal, though, not yours.  If she is not for you, there will be another.

There are plenty of sero-discordant marriages out there. WITH CHILDREN. 
You have built a PRISON around yourself, but it is false, not a reflection of the reality.

[maxmarco]

Hi Raysoda, how are you doing?