Numbers Improved But Still Depressed

[AT]

Brief History: I tested poz with a home test during the first week of October 2014, and confirmed with my doctor on Halloween. I received my numbers in mid-November with my viral load (an awful term) at 41,500 and my CD4 was 325. The doc and my case manager were clearly "concerned" as they were telling me about the magic of HIV meds and the bright outlook for my recovery.  I dived into depression deeper than I already had been. I lived moment to moment. I survived by counting my steps and silently repeating "strong mind" to myself in an effort to maintain control of my thinking. I'm better today but just bummed out all of the time. I'm afraid of catching a cold, getting the flu or falling on the ice for fear I will be hospitalized where I will catch an infection. I'm 50 so I project about normal health problems with aging that will be complicated or fatal because I'm a hivvy. I still have kids in school and am overwhelmed by guilt about them. I live in Wyoming where there are few people with HIV, most keep to themselves and no support groups exist. The two other local hivvies I have met are encouraging but seem to expect me to pull myself together quicker than I can. I want to drive to Denver for support (and will do that) but it's 90 miles away. My meds and associated care are funded with grant money and I feel I owe a debt that I want to spend the rest of my life repaying. Then, I get depressed envisioning an early, ugly death. I don't want to feel this way and shouldn't since my numbers have improved. My viral load dropped to 40 (undetectable) in less than two months on meds and my CD4 improved to 415. I should be hopeful but I'm not. Can anyone relate?

[zach]

Welcome... first, I'm gonna give you a short answer to your last question. We can all relate. To everything you wrote, I felt myself in your words.

We have a party line here, it's a good line, I hate how overused it is. We're sorry for your infection, but we're glad you found this place.

Your doctors concern, and words of encouragement, take all of that at face value. There is reason to be concerned of course. But the medicine is effective, put your trust in that. By the numbers, in many ways you've already won the hardest of the fight. UD and a normal level CD4. Be positive about that!

All the emotions you're experiencing, are a normal part of processing this. It isn't easy to come to terms with. Take a deep breath. Take your time, there is no rush. Work through the depression, seek help and support.

You're not going to die early and ugly. I mean, I don't know I guess. Were you already ugly? (laugh damnit)

Keep counting those steps, to me it says your still moving forward. If you hang out and get to know us, you'll find that has special meaning to me.

And please do feel welcome to stay. Come here anytime you need to vent, happy or sad. Manic, drunk, raving mad... I have, probably will again. It's ok. We've all been there, no judgement in here. We won't lie, we won't sugar coat. And we're here to support each other.

Give it time, it gets easier to live with.

[Weber]

Hi there,

As a newbie myself, I can definitely relate to everything you say. Take it one day at a time and it will get better. I was diagnosed 6 months ago and it's not easy but I feel I'm slowly coming to terms with it. As Zach said, your emotions are a normal part of you processing a newly emerged health situation, but the good news is thanks to modern medicine hiv is now totally managable. Your message already sounds like you have a good control of the situation and seeking help too. Being proactive about managing this is I think very important. Coming to this forum is part of that too. We're here to listen and support each other. Hope you'll stick around.

Might sound cliche but everything's gonna be alright

Hugs...

[AT]

Thanks for the support. After posting, I had the best night of sleep I've had in weeks. I got up only once to piss (exceptional for a 50 yo man) bringing myself out of a dream that was neither a nightmare or memorable. My second dream (I dream/nightmare a lot) was about running strongly as in training for something. I had wind and endurance which I will take as a sign to get busy working. Rested and ready for a new day. Thanks again.

[zach]

What meds are you on if you don't mind the question? Some are known to cause vivid dreams as a side effect. With some of them, that can be alleviated changing dosage times, or changes in diet (for example, eating a non fatty meal before bedtime)

Are the dreams an problem issue for you?

[initforlife]

Hi already.  Yes I for one as most others here can relate. I was dx last march been almost a year and believe me I have had every emotion there is and I come right here and voice it all. Most here are kind and very helpful we do understand the depression been fighting that off and on all year. some days it is a struggle just to face the world and others days I'm ready to take on the world .being in a rural area too I understand not having so many to talk to. This is why I love this site. Good luck and welcome and vent all you want . we all have been there!

[zach]

therapy suggestion for the spring thaw...

make that drive to denver, do whatever you plan to there

then stop at a shop, pick up a big bag of good cannabis... my new personal favorite strain is bubba kush

then head into the mountains for a week, camp out on the CDT or Colorado Trail... go for walks to clear you head...

you'll feel better, promise. keep living, feel alive

[AT]

I take Complera (emtricitabine/rilpivirine/tenofovir) and I've always been active with dreams. I take it at 5:30 PM. I was eating as much as possible everyday because my weight had dropped to 170 from about 185. I'm back to 185 and eating less but that takes discipline since my stomach is enlarged and hard to fill. I've become quite the organic/healthy cook taking my diet very seriously, now. I'm friends with all the people at our health food store.

[AT]

Thanks Weber, Initforlife and Zach. Feeling good today.

[initforlife]

Great to hear, you will have more good days then bad as time goes on! we are always here when you needs us

[ColoradoSkiFanatic]

Hey there Wyoming.  I can totally relate.  I'm about a month behind you... diagnosed Nov '14.  very similar labs, and 2 weeks now on Stribild.  Similar age, and one kid in school at Colorado State University, not too far from you. 

I think we can all relate to what you're feeling... it's not easy to deal with but I hope it helps to know that you're not alone.  You've got a life to live, children who love you and depend on you.  You're taking care of yourself, and you'll be around for a long time.  Don't let HIV own you... don't let it ruin your life.  Own it, and make it your bitch.  We're with you.

-John

[weasel]

   Hi Already Tired  ,

                    Nice to meet you , Please take small steps to be as happy
 as you can .   Life gets better , actually gets back to almost normal .

   I've lived with HIV / AIDS over half of my 60 years , I never thought I would see
  50 , I am very greatful .
    In the begining I dwelled on AIDS ; as time went on things got better , one morning I woke and thought to myself I have not thought about HIV for over a week !
  It only got better from there . The drugs work , if they don't agree with you ask for another drug .  took me 10 years to get a drug program that makes me feel almost like I am still 30 
   I try everyday to make life fun . sometimes that is hard . I live in a town of 57 people .  Oddly I know more HIV POZ people than not ?

                                  Hope to hear more from you ,
                                               Be well , Carl

[JosephP]

Tired, we can all relate!! And we all know that being HIV+ is not easy!!! We all come from many different and varied backgrounds but we all have experienced a similar road so far. In the beginning, after diagnose (Sept '13), I thought I had a big neon sign on my forehead that read HIV+ dude! With time it has gotten better, and you will too. Some people in this forum indicate that as time goes the thought of being HIV+ diminishes. Although I still think about it a lot everyday, it is no longer every minute! Take it one day at time.... Meds have been without problems and I am beginning to come out of the shell I got myself into... I also have kids and I feel very guilty about the HIV+... But someone on this forum told me once..'That I didn't do anything wrong..I just happened to have sex with the wrong person' It takes time to shake the initial shock, but like Zack says "You are not going to die ugly..."   

[AT]

Thanks for all the new comments and ongoing support. It has gotten better. I like to share my experience and improving state of mind/body with newly diagnosed people that post for the first time. That seems to help.

This forum is my support group as in-person support is distant. Hospitals offer groups for cancer, diabetes, stroke survivors and other medical conditions, but not many for HIV and none regionally. The STIGMA looms large. As newly diagnosed folk, we are placed in a tough situation when given the advice to initially tell few people while at the same time seeking emotional and psychological support. I often think about that in regard to those in there first weeks and months of diagnosis.

When the mind clears a little, we have other pressing issues. I'm looking for a job while doubting my ability to work through daily emotional swings and submitting vast paperwork for unemployment. Should I apply for disability which is confusing internally and I am being advised both ways about it? What is the new normal? Was my lack of risk aversion ever normal? Sounds like I need counseling but do I go the route most convenient for my case manager to fund (public health) or my a private therapist (who I worked with through my divorce) and submit additional paperwork? Many mornings I just stay on the couch until lunch when I have to decide whether or not to cook with garlic (yeck!) because it boosts the immune system. What to do...

[zach]

AT (thats what im gonna be calling you, i like it)

Lot of different issues in your last post.

Completely understand though. That is one of the fucked up things about this, as if the diagnosis isn't hard enough, we're thrown into swift current and told to paddle quick. It's unfair... but it is what it is. Learn to shoot the rapids.

I see those threads, the newly poz leaning on each other supportively. It's a great thing. Almost brings a tear, I mean that. I try to stay out of those threads other than to welcome noobs.

Just take it easy man. The advice to be cautious about disclosing, is sound advice. That stigma you feel looming, it's there man, it's there. One day it won't bother you as much, but give it time. It takes some longer than others to acclimate to this and own their status. Hell, one day you may be willing to carry a tattoo and tell the world.

Your last paragraph, I got little to offer. Those are deeply personal decisions. Get the help you need, where you can get it.

As far as garlic.... screw that man, leave it alone. Just take your meds, eat normally, exercise regularly. You don't suddenly have to become a health nut guru to live with HIV. Most of that, is bullshit. Get up off the couch and move is better for you than eating a clove of garlic.

[scooter24]

Hey AT. I had a similar thought process about what to do about therapy. For years I had seen a therapist for a host of issues and it was mostly out of pocket. For me I had to weigh the issues of cost, convenience, therapist experience, and their experience with treating my specific needs/issues. My new therapist has experience with working with gay men, some of whom are HIV positive, and he's in-network. The only possible downside is I lose the relationship I established with my previous therapist. I did see my old therapist once and talk to her twice on the phone just to get some relief.

Maybe you can try leaning on your old therapist or the one the case manager recommends until you figure out and find the ideal therapist for what you think you need.

Best of luck finding the mental health care you need!