Author Topic: How do one bring balance into a relationship? (Read 8589 times)

Angel-Ronnie · « **on:** March 30, 2010, 02:06:10 am »

I was wondering how does one bring a healthy balance into a gay relationship, be open to any suggestions or constructive critisizm? Bring the balance back into one if it is derailing?

Hellraiser · « **Reply #1 on:** March 30, 2010, 02:09:22 am »

What kind of balance?

Angel-Ronnie · « **Reply #2 on:** March 30, 2010, 03:54:18 am »

the balance of acceptance of who we are in a relationship, the balance of trust, honesty without changing who we were when we met the individual beings that we are.

mecch · « **Reply #3 on:** March 30, 2010, 07:36:02 am »

Maybe its about your perspective. Being in a relationship means you do things together, share goals, some dreams, pasttimes, sex, food, proably money. You can "stay yourself" but also you have to incorporate the new part of yourself which is "I am a partner". If one of the two, or both, cannot incorporate that - an honest discussion is in order.

Angel-Ronnie · « **Reply #4 on:** March 30, 2010, 08:13:58 am »

Mecch that is how i feel, i have given up so much and when i ask that we go out to a club or for an outing i am cut off with i grew up to concervative. compromise is just an imagination but not a reality. i want us to do things together but he suggest i do it on my own. what happened with we are a couple? i tried to discuss it last night then it changed him. he admitted that he is obsessed wto know as much about me as what he can.

Matty the Damned · « **Reply #5 on:** March 30, 2010, 08:15:22 am »

This is the same guy who went through your phone recently and then subjected you to the third degree, yes?

MtD

Angel-Ronnie · « **Reply #6 on:** March 30, 2010, 08:19:00 am »

yes he said he had suspecion and that is why he did it, phone numebrs of twenty years was deleted just to keep the peace. I love him and want us to do things together but it feels like i am running into a brick wall.

mecch · « **Reply #7 on:** March 30, 2010, 08:21:01 am »

Is this a newish relationship? It does not bode well really.

mecch · « **Reply #8 on:** March 30, 2010, 08:27:14 am »

You can't date or form a couple with a brick wall. If its a newish relationship, cut your losses and skidaddle. If its a long-time thing, ditto, and please find a guy who is into the relationship, next time.

Angel-Ronnie · « **Reply #9 on:** March 30, 2010, 08:29:37 am »

June it will be a year. i try to reason he comes up with excuses. i want to live life with him as most do in relationships, i am positive he is negative. we made a pledge to each other last night he said it is void until we sort this out. i took him to a year end function from work introduced him to my guys working with me but he has not allowed me into that part of his life. can it be saved or is it doomed?

Matty the Damned · « **Reply #10 on:** March 30, 2010, 08:31:12 am »

Quote from: Angel-Ronnie on March 30, 2010, 08:19:00 am

yes he said he had suspecion and that is why he did it, phone numebrs of twenty years was deleted just to keep the peace. I love him and want us to do things together but it feels like i am running into a brick wall.

Ugh. Get out while you still can.

He's an abusive control freak and you're giving him what he wants - power over you. No matter what you do he won't change so you're changing instead.

Why else would you dump twenty years worth of friends from your phone?

Mark my words Ronnie, if you stay with this fellow you will regret it. More than you do already.

MtD

Dachshund · « **Reply #11 on:** March 30, 2010, 09:03:08 am »

Quote from: Angel-Ronnie on March 30, 2010, 08:29:37 am

June it will be a year. i try to reason he comes up with excuses. i want to live life with him as most do in relationships, i am positive he is negative. we made a pledge to each other last night he said it is void until we sort this out. i took him to a year end function from work introduced him to my guys working with me but he has not allowed me into that part of his life. can it be saved or is it doomed?

It's doomed.

Angel-Ronnie · « **Reply #12 on:** March 30, 2010, 09:50:10 am »

Why does it seem that we would rather end something than make it work? Is compromise not part of growing together as a unit?

Matty the Damned · « **Reply #13 on:** March 30, 2010, 10:00:24 am »

Quote from: Angel-Ronnie on March 30, 2010, 09:50:10 am

Why does it seem that we would rather end something than make it work? Is compromise not part of growing together as a unit?

Because you're the only one doing the compromising, you unit.

He doesn't want it to end because you're precisely what he wants -- a compliant cock-socket who takes all the abuse he's able to give. He torments you because it makes him feel like a big man who's in control. You take it because you think you're worthless and you don't deserve any better.

And unless you stand up for yourself - you won't deserve any better.

MtD

Dachshund · « **Reply #14 on:** March 30, 2010, 10:08:34 am »

Quote from: Angel-Ronnie on March 30, 2010, 09:50:10 am

Why does it seem that we would rather end something than make it work? Is compromise not part of growing together as a unit?

It's not we, it's he.

joemutt · « **Reply #15 on:** March 30, 2010, 10:13:14 am »

I think you kinda know the answer but you dread the consequences. $:-\$

Florida69 · « **Reply #16 on:** March 30, 2010, 10:34:45 am »

Ronnie, my dearest friend, I have been where you are in fact I dealt with it for a while. I am not telling you break up with this person, because I know there are a lot of undesirable people in the world. My advice to you is to be true to yourself. Sometimes, communication between two people can be jaded and can easily go side ways, especially when you have different personalities at work. You are on your first year, but what are your goals as a couple? As far as meeting your co workers that should have been an easy task, "this is my partner this is my friend from work." So it sounds to me like this guy wants to be the alpha (in charge) in your relationship, in my opinion a partner should be an equal in all life decisions. I was a psychology major, and learned that sometimes two people have a hard time communicating especially when they are emotionally involved. My suggestion is to find a counselor at first, this will give both you and your boyfriend an opportunity to communicate with an unbiased professional in the room. A well trained psychologist will help you both communicate with each other, or tell you that the relationship is not going to work. Whether it be because your partner will not bend his expectations or because you are not compromising enough. I do not believe for one minute that you are not compromising. What I think is that maybe he wants to control the relationship to benefit him, and has some serious insecurities. Communication is key, relationships are hard work, and are in constant need of attention. From your posts, it sounds to me he is taking out his frustration on you. You should never give up who you are to be with someone, you compromise that part of you in order to accommodate the other person. It is mutual respect, and sweets I don't think you are getting any. How does that saying go, dont make someone your priority while they continue to make you an option. I hope this helps. Much love, D

Hellraiser · « **Reply #17 on:** March 30, 2010, 10:50:44 am »

So, part of being in a relationship is compromise, but another facet of it is acceptance. You can't change things about yourself in an attempt to suit him or you'll just be acting the part he wants you to play. My advice isn't necessarily to dump him, but do what makes you happy. If it makes you happy to talk your friends and he gets jealous then calmly explain to him that they are your friends only. If you want to do something and he doesn't, do it by yourself. If this sort of behavior keeps up and you don't always bend to what he wants to do, he'll most likely get so frustrated he'll end it or he'll become more compromising. Either way you shouldn't be sacrificing your wants/desires for his wants/desires because that my friend is a one way road. I don't know this chap well enough to say if he's worth the price, but you know what makes you happy. If it ain't him, move on.

Joe K · « **Reply #18 on:** March 30, 2010, 01:16:23 pm »

Quote from: Angel-Ronnie on March 30, 2010, 02:06:10 am

I was wondering how does one bring a healthy balance into a gay relationship, be open to any suggestions or constructive critisizm? Bring the balance back into one if it is derailing?

Quote from: Angel-Ronnie on March 30, 2010, 08:19:00 am

yes he said he had suspecion and that is why he did it, phone numebrs of twenty years was deleted just to keep the peace. I love him and want us to do things together but it feels like i am running into a brick wall.

Hey Ronnie,

I am so sorry to hear of your problems with your boyfriend and while I want to say something positive, the alarm bells are blaring so loud, that I had to respond. I know your boyfriend, because I had one once, just like him and I wish that someone then, had told me what I am telling you now. I want you to read a book: Men Who Beat The Men Who Love Them (John Dececco, PhD.), because in that book, you will find a form of all the quotes above and I expect, by the end, you will have a true understanding of what is happening.

I urge you to read the book or talk with a professional, because I've been in both abusive and real relationships and nothing you describe is what real partners share. I know you don't want to hear this and maybe you think I am wrong. I know I am not, but I want you to prove it to yourself, so you can move forward. I hope you will gain enough insight, to understand that sometimes things just won't work out, as we wish, but when they become potentially dangerous, it's time to start running in the opposite direction.

Cliff · « **Reply #19 on:** March 30, 2010, 03:03:22 pm »

How to get balance/build trust? Communication is probably a start. Trust can be difficult for some of us (well, a lot of us). It means taking some risks and being vulnerable. Some people aren't comfortable with that. Some are.

WillyWump · « **Reply #20 on:** March 30, 2010, 03:13:39 pm »

IMHO, you need not waste another day trying to kowtow to his wants and needs. Each day your wasting now is a day that could be spent in a wonderful mutually beneficial relationship.

Yes, I know you love him. I know how that feels. Yes, I know it is hard to leave someone you love regardless of the toxicity of the relationship.

But there is another out there that would be easier to love, and easier on your soul.

-Will

Oceanbeach · « **Reply #21 on:** March 30, 2010, 05:15:30 pm »

Ronnie,

I think you need to invoke the powers on this. I would check my almanac for a moon v/c with good planetary aspects Venus, Mars, Mercury... Write your desires on red candles in dragons blood call the corners, bless Earth, Air, Fire and Water. Invoke the powers of Hecate and do a binding.

Have the best day
Michael

Angel-Ronnie · « **Reply #22 on:** March 31, 2010, 01:43:46 am »

Thanks guys i have read all responses, much appreciated and yesterday I got a few things from the net on communication, boundaries etc. We then sat down and we discussed how we can fix this situation before it gets out of hand. we made a list of issues that we are faced with and how to resolve them, it came out that he has so many questions and fears with hiv, and he doesn't know who to speak to. We have sorted it and he will register on AM so he can address those issues. I think that will be the first step and that is to educate himself on HIV.

I love you all for who individualism and support thank yoy.

Ron

Moffie65 · « **Reply #23 on:** March 31, 2010, 05:32:33 pm »

Ron,

Had a relationship like yours for 12 years once. Didn't work day one, or at the end of 12 years.
Then.......... HE walked into my life. We courted for two or three weeks, then moved in together in two months. Been together for now 22 years, and still madly in love with this man. Has it been perfect? No. Has it been a bed of roses, yes, with all the HIV/AIDS thorns thrown in. Our foundation?

I have a life, and you do too.
I want to share my life, but I can't live yours too.
Never let it get boring.

These were the three thoughts that we tied the knot with, and still to this day, is the way we live and enjoy each day we are given together. Of course, it is important to deal with things that come along, and remember the vow and all that it entails. Sometimes it is because we have different ideas about something that keeps us communicating, but we never make decisions about time or plans without communicating with each other, and coming to some agreement before plans are put into place. Honoring each other is the best thing two people can do.

angelsman · « **Reply #24 on:** April 07, 2010, 04:29:19 am »

hi everyone-- a great day for me -- just registered on aidsmed-- i am a hiv neg guy and loved reading all the responses to angels topic- so interesting -- i have so much to learn still about hiv and am so willing as its a missunderstood life and people are unwilling to accept --my man is hiv pos and i do love him lots

angelsman · « **Reply #25 on:** April 07, 2010, 04:40:43 am »

let me introduce myself-- im andy -- rons hubby -- and im proud of him as my hiv pos lover-- yes there have been issues-- glad that we agreed that i would join this website as a hiv neg guy that also wants to live a normal life with a great guy-- to all of u that have read posts about me going through his cell -- yes i did and was hurt to see some numbers on the phone that had been previously deleted and im glad that ron didnt tell all waht i found on his cell as i was trying to find out more about this wonderfull guy-- yes he has been hurt and has walls around him and i had no clue as to how i could break through these walls -- so i did a bad thing and went through his cell-- my baddie-- yet at this point we have sat down and made boundries-- wow i so never knew that i had not included him in so many aspects of my life-- the night we sat down and tlked about our issues -- i sat with my jaw on the floor -- only to realise that by going through his cell and checking his lap top is not the way to get to know this man.. my life was filled with dishonesty with my x-- -- yet now i see that the only way to find out about your lover is to comunicate and talk about issues-- even the small things that upset u-- ron went out of his way to google info on how to improve our relationship and yes we both had to make changes -- guys thanks for all your care and advice for ron -- he is my angel at heart -- please please we need all your support and i want to be there to -- oh ps we have agreed that we wont take anyones emails or cell no s from websites as we are working on a great thing here--- ron thanks for including me in this part of your life
andy

Angel-Ronnie · « **Reply #26 on:** April 07, 2010, 05:05:18 am »

AHHHH Goodie you can now be part of this fantastic family and support group that they are.

Florida69 · « **Reply #27 on:** April 07, 2010, 09:23:47 am »

Good for you guys, Ronnie and I have been friends for a long time, he is part of my support. All any of us want is to see him happy. As far as taking anyones emails or phone numbers from a website, although that might be understandable, in some situaitons. However, most of us here are friends and live on the other side of the world. Andy, it is great that you have opened up yourself to this community, it is really important when you share your life with someone to share your entire life. As far as the going through his cell phone and his computer, those are your issues of mistrust. Trust is not something that just happens, it takes time in order to build trust. Ronnie is not any of your ex's he is a unique individual, full of love and understanding. You have to learn to meet him half way. I still think that couples therapy will be beneficial to both of you to work through your trust issues. Anyways, welcome to the forums. Good luck to you both. D

Moffie65 · « **Reply #28 on:** April 07, 2010, 09:52:28 am »

Remember guys, if dishonesty is any part of the relationship, it will die. Period.

Merlin · « **Reply #29 on:** April 07, 2010, 11:23:38 am »

As Aretha would say, "R.E.S.P.E.C.T !"

Simplistic as it may seem but very very important; together with honest communication and the desire to always kiss and make up, not win the battle and lose the war. And always throw out the EGO. If that is more important than the love you have for each other, then it's gonna be a real issue.

mecch · « **Reply #30 on:** April 07, 2010, 01:43:27 pm »

So when does Ron get to meet your colleagues, your friends?
Are you going to reconstruct his trashed address book?
Go out and have fun together?

Grasshopper · « **Reply #31 on:** April 07, 2010, 01:52:53 pm »

Quote from: mecch on April 07, 2010, 01:43:27 pm

So when does Ron get to meet your colleagues, your friends?
Are you going to reconstruct his trashed address book?
Go out and have fun together?

OMG......can't believe you wrote this

Theyer · « **Reply #32 on:** April 07, 2010, 03:00:02 pm »

Re the original point-lawyers,guns and money help.

Angel-Ronnie · « **Reply #33 on:** April 08, 2010, 12:38:17 am »

we all know if we aren't prepared to put some effort and understanding into a relationship then it will not work so one step at a time and work on it from here. The address book is not important anymore it is over and done with. but the rest is on the to do list on our fridge and i believe fully that it will happen. Thanks guys you sure know how to let the punches roll...

Florida we know each other going four years next month the tears and smiles shared on all sites the poems shared and emotions the feelings of being uplifted. you have always been true to me as a friend. Hugs to you buddy....

I have aidsmeds as my support and he had no-one to turn to and does this make me less to blame for the issues? no it doesn;t that is why I am pleased that he is here so he can see it is not that bad, he will start to feel more at ease and have questions concerns like every body else on here.

red_Dragon888 · « **Reply #34 on:** April 09, 2010, 02:48:53 pm »

You two still need a Relationship Counselor... Fuck everything else, only a Good Counselor can see and hear what needs to heard and said and make the goals of the relationship clear and conscise. All else is subterfuge or bullshit.

red_Dragon888 · « **Reply #35 on:** April 09, 2010, 02:50:50 pm »

Quote from: mecch on April 07, 2010, 01:43:27 pm

So when does Ron get to meet your colleagues, your friends?
Are you going to reconstruct his trashed address book?
Go out and have fun together?

I understand the anger or atleast I think so. But in the end we are on the outside looking in.

angelsman · « **Reply #36 on:** April 12, 2010, 01:42:42 am »

hey all and thanks for all the great responses. Today is a great day for me . I have made a choice to rather leave this site and leave it for Ronnie .This site is his life and he loves all the people on here .There have been times when he has needed to chat to people and they are there for him . He has made many friends and yes i didn't know about them only till i joined . yet it seems like i'm prying in a world that is so much a part of him . His inner self . Take not--- ever since i have joined that he has not been able to take pm's from anyone and well there are those that need to talk privately to him via email or phone.. i have publically said i'm sorry for going through his cell . there are those that can't accept that and have made crude remarks . to those great people out there that have accepted and given great and honest replies---- u are the people that should be on here.... u are the people that are truely blessed. RON U ARE A FANTASTIC MAN ANDI LOVE U. This is your website and these wonderfull people are yours and they make u happy. Thanks for showing me this part of your life and enjoy this site . IT belongs to all of u . God bless all . this is me signing out or in he he for the last time
Andy

angelsman · « **Reply #37 on:** April 12, 2010, 01:46:24 am »

Quote from: Grasshopper on April 07, 2010, 01:52:53 pm

OMG......can't believe you wrote this

mec get with the program -- and start being a support structure for epople that need help .. stop making statements that are destructive and help -- help people ... these wonderfull people need understanding and support .. try let a bit of sunshine in

mecch · « **Reply #38 on:** April 12, 2010, 04:10:41 am »

I wish you two all the best. However, don't forget to notice that until you popped your face into this forum, quite a number of members were rather pessimistic about the long-term prospects of Angel-Ronnie's relations with a guy (you) we only had described through Ronnies words.

So its great that you two have had a breakthrough and are communicating and you yourself can come in here for information and support.

Since Ronnie had mentioned specific challenges - such as the destruction caused by your lack of trust or jealousy (thus the address book fiasco) and your not letting him into your social and professional life, I don't think its destructive to ask again - so what are the plans to make it a fun trustworthy inclusive relationship.

At the end of the day, its none of my business really. We were all just responding to what Ronnie posted here and previously about his love affairs. and frankly you didn't have the greatest cheering section.

You can own that, the disfunction you brought into that relationship, and you can repair it. You don't need to displace it on me, saying I am destructive, a complete outsider just responding to the information given.

Good luck

Tim Horn · « **Reply #39 on:** April 12, 2010, 06:49:16 am »

I'm locking this as per Angel-Ronnie's request.

Forums Index

Welcome

Author Topic: How do one bring balance into a relationship? (Read 8589 times)