Extremely contradicted and very worried

[Blueduy]

I've been dating a guy whose viral load is undetectable.

We've been dating for about four months.  About a month ago we had our first sexual experience. Since then, it's happened about four more times.  Every time it's been  limited to unprotected oral sex.  He told me having oral sex is perfectly fine as he does not have any other STI's present and is generally healthy.  Neither me or him are having sex with anyone else as we both want a committed monogamous relationship.   I felt comfortable performing oral sex on him as he seems like someone I can trust and rely on.

But as I started doing my own research on the matter, I have to say that I'm extremely concerned. Every time I do research I find contradicting information.  Sometimes I feel confident and sometimes I'm extremely worried.  Today I read the story of a user of this site (his nickname is Geobee) who claims to be sure he got HIV through oral sex.  That just completely ruined my day.  I don't know what to do.

 A few days after our first encounter I developed a mild diarrhea that comes and goes from time to time.  I also had a very very mild sore throat and have been feeling fatigued. 

To be honest I am super concerned.  I already talked to him and he assured me that it's more likely for me to win the lottery than to catch HIV from our sexual encounters.  I don't want to talk to him again about this as I don't want to annoy him.  But the truth is that i"m loosing my mind.  I don't know what to do. 

I can't test just yet because it's too early.  What can I do in the meantime?  I'm at that point where I can't even function properly as HIV is the only thing on my mind. 

Also, how can I be in a relationship is everytime after sex i'm going to be super paranoid?  I really really like him... but I don't know what to do!  Any advice?

Thanks to everyone in advance.

[jkinatl2]

If you are "losing you mind" over this it is VERY important that you talk to him. That sort of communication breakdown is serious stuff in a relationship.

Of course, you aren't going to get HIV through the activities you and your boyfriend are doing, but if you are not comfortable with it, at least have the conversation.

[Blueduy]

Hi, thanks for your response.

It's such a hard situation because I do really like him, and I'd love to pursue a relationship with this guy.  He's amazing, he poses every quality I've ever wanted in a guy. 

I do not want to hurt his feelings by admitting that I'm scared of having unprotected oral sex.  I am sure that he would not be opposed to use condoms for oral sex.  But at the same time I know that would make him suspect of my fears. 


I have not eaten or slept thinking that I might be infected.  I keep reading articles on the matter I've already read.  I don't know what to do.  I am not feeling too well lately and I can't help but think that this is because I performed oral on him. 

I think I've read every single question posted on these forums about oral sex.  All the answers are the same but I still keep reading them hoping it'll give me hope that I am not infected.  The more I read the more i psych myself out. 


Let me ask you a personal question, and you totally can call me out on it and not answer it if it's rude of me.  but here it goes:

I've read some of your responses and it seems like you have a partner. 

Do you have unprotected oral sex with him? Does he suck you? How long have you been positive? and lastly, is he negative and confident he won't get HIV from giving you oral sex? 

Thanks again for your time. 

[Blueduy]

I was able to relax for a few days.  But the stress has returned to me again.  As of yesterday, ive been feeling a bit weak and tired.   I cant tell if its because i have been going to bed super late... Or if it's due to early symptoms.   I also felt anlittle lump right underneath my mandible, close to my ear.   I cant tell if its a swollen lymph node or not as it doesnt hurt.   Do they have to hurt if they're swollen?

Yesterday i hung out with this guy and we ended up having sex again.  I asked to try having protected oral sex, to which he said yes.  But as soon as i started going at it, i could tell he wasnt enjoying it.  I asked and he said it definitely didnt feel as good because of the condom.  To be honest, i didnt feel comfortable sucking on a condom.  It was sooo weird. 
Idk what to do... I was relaying on using condoms for oral sex but neither one of us like it

[Ann]

Blue,

Why are you worrying over oral so much when he's got an undetectable viral load? Hiv is extremely difficult to transmit orally at the best of times (best circumstance for the virus).

The best circumstance for the virus to be transmitted orally is absolutely terrible oral health on the part of the person doing the sucking, and an extremely high viral load on the part of the person being sucked.

There have been three long-term studies of couples where one is positive and one is negative. In the couples who used condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, but no barrier for oral activities, not one of the negative partners became infected with hiv. Not one. Not all of the positive partners were on meds with undetectable viral loads either, yet there were still no cases of oral transmission.

Here's what you need to know in order to avoid hiv infection:

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections together.

To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI. Sex without a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.

Have a look through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.

Anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.

If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results.

Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv. Some of the other STIs can be present with no obvious symptoms, so the only way to know for sure is to test.

Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, and you will avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple!

Ann

[Blueduy]

Thanks for your response Ann,

I guess my fear if fruit of all the contradicting info in the internet.  I really love being with this guy, he's great and sex with him is awesome. 

Most websites say this:  Oral sex is low risk, but not no risk.  Even this website says that.  And one of the users of these forums claims he was infected with HIV exclusively from doing oral. 

On the other hand there's people that say: There's more of a chance of you winning the lottery than of you getting this virus through oral sex. And then there's also those studies of which you speak in your comments. 

Thanks again, 

[Ann]

Blue,

Think of it this way. There have been no cases where women claim to have been infected through giving blowjobs. Not one single woman has made this claim in over thirty years of the pandemic. Kinda telling, doncha think? And yes, this website points that out.

There have been three case reports and a few studies suggesting that some people have been infected with HIV as a result of unprotected oral sex. However, these case reports and studies all involved MSM – men who were the receptive partners (the person doing the "sucking") during unprotected oral sex with another HIV-positive man. There haven't been any case reports or studies documenting HIV infection among female receptive partners during unprotected oral sex. Even more importantly, there hasn't been a single documented case of HIV transmission to an insertive partner (the person being "sucked") during unprotected oral sex, either among MSM or heterosexuals. source

And please note the language - the article says that there have been a few case reports and a few studies suggesting - suggesting, NOT proving - oral transmission. These cases and studies were based on patient report and patient report is notoriously unreliable.

If you're thinking "maybe they just didn't do any case reports on women", think again. Everyone with hiv has a case report. Mine is about six inches thick. If I'd claimed giving blowjobs as my infection source, the report in my case notes would have garnered international attention for it's rarity.

As long as his VL is UD, you're more likely to get hit with a meteorite the next time you walk out your front door - which is also theoretically possible - than you are to get infected through giving your lover a blowjob.

Ann