POZ Community Forums
Off Topic Forums => Off Topic Forum => Topic started by: fearless on June 04, 2006, 08:18:56 am
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Today, while watching my Rugby League team play a guy sitting a few row backs calls out to insult a player from the opposition team:
You don't have to have a long kneck to be a goose.
I thought it was funny ;D
What are the funniest insults you have heard. Matty, if you respond please limit yourself to 5. :D
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Yo momma so fat she bleeds gravy ;D
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One of my finest moments.
Matty the Damned, looking every bit the hick country fag in his flannelette shirt, badly fitting off the rack jeans and to the butt pony tail wandered into the notorious Stonewall Hotel on Vaseline Alley, in Sydney.
I ordered a beer ("Toohey's Old, love") when a particularly prettified twink, all coified and decked out in Diesel apparel grinned at me with evil intent. He looked at his gaggle of drug fucked cock-sucker buddies and lisped:
"I didn't know they let the homeless into GAY pubs!"
His mates giggled at this vicious bon mot.
I carefully placed my beer on the bar, smiled back, casually lit a ciggie (Winfield Blue don't ya know) and asked by way of response,
"Tell me love, how do you do that?"
"Do what?", the odious scene-queen responded.
"Balance your arse on your shoulders like that. It's quite a talent.", I replied.
I received sustained applause. My would be combatant left in ignominy.
And that is why I am the Alpha Bitch.
MtD
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Matty....... :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Hermie
who would have loved to see the bitches face....or should I say arse....
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Hermala,
I do it for every scruffy looking, awkward queer who has ever been insulted by some drug fucked pill queen wannabe bitch in a gay bar. I cultivate a daggy appearance as bait for the airhead tina twinks. They truly are grist to my bitter mill.
It is SO sweet, when they take me on in deadly battle. ;D
MtD
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LOL
I bet the expression on his face was priceless.
Teresa
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Matty that is classic.
Now please share other reasons why you are the Alpha Bitch. ;D
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Matty that is classic.
Now please share other reasons why you are the Alpha Bitch. ;D
Read my response in your gay marriage thread Jeffy. ;)
MtD
(Who is a bitch in every sense of the word)
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Matty, that's freakin' GREAT!!
I wish I could have seen his face when it dawned on him what you said, exactly. PRICELESS!!
And, I know there is NO WAY I can better yours, uh uh...but, I always kind of liked this one:
"WERE YOU BORN DUMB, OR DID YOU HAVE TO WORK AT IT?"
(Did Zephie just say that? ::))
or: [size=12"I'D RATHER WORK FOR AN A**HOLE THAN BE ONE."pt][/size]
(Yes, she did.)
Tra la la....
Zephyr
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Hahah, Matty babe you cracked me up. You always put a smile on my dial.. Wish I was there to see that twink's face. Don't ever stop!
xx
Matt
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I thought this was the alpha-bitch insult of the month :
I heard a colleague once tell a nerdy passenger :
you have beautiful teeth, do they also come in white?
Hermie
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Matty,
I like my new stage name : Hermala is just fabulous.....
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Matty, that's pure brilliance and a real cool stance....go ahead, have another beer ! Cheers mate !
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I heard a great one from a 12-year-old recently:
Yo mamma's so poor her tits are real.
I don't know where he picked up that one. :D
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Guess I'm just too sweet and innocent. I haven't a snappy comeback to compare with MtD.
But, hmmmm, I kinda like the "rustic" look, especially when accompanied by red hair! ::)
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Yo mama so dumb, I ask her why she's talking into the envelop....she said she's trying to send a voicemail.
;D
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hmm, I guess this funny insult would only make sense to people who watch basketball....
Yo mamma so dumb, she went to a Clipper game trying to get a haircut. ;D
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Ok here are my few, thanks to a friends blog who made a big list of funny insults here are just a few...
I like you! You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I will try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I don't know what look you were aiming for, but you missed
Is that your face or has your neck just vomited?
Gene police, get out of the pool
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality
Pete ;D
xx
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AAAhh Yes, I fondly remember trading witty insults with co workers there was an entire sub-class of 'Your Mama' jokes which came to a screeching Halt one day when a fellow who was pretty much the Master of the Mama Jokes mentioned that his mother had come home and scared away a burglar ( his mom also happened to work at the same company)
Without hesitation I said " He probablly was just sniffing her Panties" lets just say he didn't see the humor in it..
later, another co-worker told me that he couldn't keep a straight face whenever she would come around because
" All I can Think of is that Burglar Sniffin' them Panties" I was pretty much considered the unspoken winner by default of the Mamma Joke- a- Thon.
Another good one, which I've only used once, is " If I took your brain and shoved it up a Gnats ass, [ at this point demonstrate the motion of shoving something up a Gnats ass] It Would look like a BB in a Boxcar"
One Ive heard but never been despicable enough to use, is "You are a complete waste of White" although it would be particularly well suited to some knuckle dragging redneck...
I love the one about balancing the arse on the shoulders though, but not being an intimidating 6'3 Austrailian, I probablly would get my ass kicked.... again.
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Yo mama so ugly, when she applied for the ugly contest they told her no professionals.
Yo mama so ugly, George Bush moved Hallowween on her birthday.
;D :D ;) :)
Justin
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I can't rival Matty (nor would I want to...shudder)
Why do I think I've written this once already....I'm sure I did. Well....so what.
We had the nerdiest asshole running a lab in whatever manufacturing facility I was at. He was trying to impress us all with this ridiculously overcrowded graph SPC chart from hell. It was unreadable and was so full of data points that I asked him (in front of everyone)...
"what the HELL is that? Your lie detector results?"
He curtly replied: "NO!"
I replied: "LIAR!!!"
I just hope someone gets that joke eventually.
I was on my bike when Consumed called me to ask where I was. I said, in front of a bunch of cows in a field, he commenced mooing so I said, HEY, DON'T...there's a sign that says no mooing at the cows. He said: REALLY?!?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. What a NY city slicker. I'd love to see how they enforce the no mooing law.
Sorry dearest....
Sae
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another oldie but goodie when someone says " Do You Think I'm stupid?? simply say,
" Well, If you have to ask??
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matty,when are you gonna start doing video for us??
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Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn't say Hi to folk, I'd say BOO!
You've got the perfect weapon against muggers - your face.
I know what sign you were born under...'RED LIGHT DISTRICT'
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Another line that I've found handy over the years:
"Honey, you wouldn't know if a bus was up you until the people started getting off."
MtD
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I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today.
Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to let out on its own.
;D :D ;) :)
Justin
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What a bitchy thread :D
A great aunt that bumps into her nieces husband on the high street after many years.
Oh Alphonso, how are you dear? Oh my... is this your son? WHAT A NICE LOOKING BOY...., he takes after his mum dosent he?
(true story)
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I always liked:
"I refuse to commense a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
"Please, go to the doctor, have him find the vague outline of where your balls used to be, and BEG him to sew a pair back on."
"You're not worthy to wash the floors in the brothel in which you were whelped."
"Out of over a million of your father's sperm, YOU were the quickest?"
"What's the difference between your ass and the Lincoln Tunnel? I don't know either."
"At least you won't ever make a contribution to the gene pool."
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What's the difference between your mom and a 747? Every man has not been on a 747.
Your head's so big you don't have dreams.... You have full length movies..
My mother use to say, being the hillbilly girl she was, " He's got his finger in his ass and his mind is in Arkansas" I don't have a clue why or where she got it from, but I always wondered...
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"I didn't know they let the homeless into GAY pubs!"
His mates giggled at this vicious bon mot.
ughhh, vicious, insipid. it's great how you put him in his place
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u ladies are hilarious.. I wanna hear more insults please.
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Oh, I needed to laugh very, very hard--as I did. I had a sad end to my day. More please, another Matty tale.
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yes, matty.the.damned another story.
Please ::)
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Not a funny insult per say, but a funny situation.. One of my coworker was talking to a customer on the phone that was apparently taking my coworker's last breath of customer service skills..
He yelled "I ONLY HAVE ONE ADVICE FOR YOU!!! PUT YOUR HEAD IN THE TOILET AND FLUSH!!!, YOU STUPID MORON!!!" and violently hung up the phone.
He's still with us :)
Milker.
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yes, matty.the.damned another story.
It'll have to be later, my pretties. Party affairs summon. Matty the Damned has to go and get drunk with the Attorney-General this afternoon.
When I get back remind me to tell you the tale of Girlie John and the Great Costume Jewellery Heist.
MtD
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AAAhh Yes, I fondly remember trading witty insults with co workers there was an entire sub-class of 'Your Mama' jokes which came to a screeching Halt one day when a fellow who was pretty much the Master of the Mama Jokes mentioned that his mother had come home and scared away a burglar ( his mom also happened to work at the same company)
Without hesitation I said " He probablly was just sniffing her Panties" lets just say he didn't see the humor in it..
later, another co-worker told me that he couldn't keep a straight face whenever she would come around because
" All I can Think of is that Burglar Sniffin' them Panties" I was pretty much considered the unspoken winner by default of the Mamma Joke- a- Thon.
Another good one, which I've only used once, is " If I took your brain and shoved it up a Gnats ass, [ at this point demonstrate the motion of shoving something up a Gnats ass] It Would look like a BB in a Boxcar"
One Ive heard but never been despicable enough to use, is "You are a complete waste of White" although it would be particularly well suited to some knuckle dragging redneck...
I love the one about balancing the arse on the shoulders though, but not being an intimidating 6'3 Austrailian, I probablly would get my ass kicked.... again.
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
Lwood, please make a blog showing us exactly how to "motion shoving something up a gnats ass!"
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yes, matty.the.damned another story.
It'll have to be later, my pretties. Party affairs summon. Matty the Damned has to go and get drunk with the Attorney-General this afternoon.
When I get back remind me to tell you the tale of Girlie John and the Great Costume Jewellery Heist.
MtD
I shall go to bed in tears without reading the new tale of Girlie John and the Great Costume Jewellery Heist.
Al
(who likes a Matty.the.damned bedtime story to have vivid dreams but tonight he is not that fortunate)
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You need a cranialrectalotomy, fast, before you suffocate.
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Just this afternoon I had the most incredible conversation with my 12 year old nephew about me and hiv (he was recently told about me).
He asked amazingly inciteful questions and listened/responded way too intelligently for a 12 year old and I was almost bursting from awe and pride at him.
After about an hour of questions/answers the conversation was wrapped up like this:
Me: So basically I'm really healthy at the moment and you have no need to worry.
Him: So you're not dying right now or anything?
Me: No sweetie, not just yet.
Him: Hmm, right...so you're just getting old!
Cheeky bugger!
Miss Melia :D
(who loves her nephews even more than chocolate)
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Him: Hmm, right...so you're just getting old!
Cheeky bugger!
Miss Melia :D
(who loves her nephews even more than chocolate)
LOL that's cute :D
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Ms. Melia
And you didn't beat your nephew for saying that horrific comment? I would have.
Al
(who will eternally want to be carded at the clubs)
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It's Okay To Be Ugly, But You're Over Doin' It!
:D
Justin
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I prefer making people feel like morons through the Socratic method.
It's more fun that way.
Someone I Work With: No one pays attention to me.
Me: Whose fault is that?