Feel like I'm living the movie "Philadelphia" but in a different way.

[jm1953]

I'm a long termer but thought I'd post here if it's o.k. 

I've read some posts about member's poz status being outed.  Certainly that has happened to me, but I'm not really trying to hide it.  Unfortunately I am in a legal probate mess with my only sibling which has started a war.  I have an attorney working on it, very complicated estate, and she is wonderful.

My sibling does work in the heathcare industry and not only has been telling collegues there about my status, but ofcourse everyone else.  Plus my lifestyle of being Gay.  She has been using this tact for years to suck up to my Dad for estate reasons, but now that he's gone she has really turned up the volume.

My Dad's trust states when I die everything left in my column, which should be considerable, be given to her.  It is a big estate split 50/50.  It seems her tact now is to turn the whole family against me, along with other family friends, and stress me out when we talk.  We have not talked now for over a year.  Only through my attorney and the trustee.  She is too toxic and I can't deal with her.    Apparently her hubbie who has taken on the executor role mentioned to my attorney that they are waiting for me to die so my money can go to the kids.

Ugly yes?  I feel discriminated against and taken advantage of because of my illness by this army recruited by my sibling.  Since she is in healthcare, aware of my status, and trying even presently to reduce the amount to be given me in my trust which reduces my enormous health care expenses, and possibly long term care going forward, does she have the right?  My attorney is doing probate only and not wanted to referee family squabbles even though she thinks it's strange.

Since she's in healthcare is litigation an option?

As a postscript, I have written a couple of posts about survivor's guilt, depression, and my regular friends kind of bailing on me as I get sicker.  Guess this just makes it all worse.

Thanks for the listen.

Jeff

[Rockin]

Hey Jeff,

Im really sorry about your situation. Our families can be a blessing but can also be a curse sometimes.

One thing though: how come you are sick? By your VL and CD4 info it seems as you should be healthy. Is it HIV related or something completely different?

[mecch]

I read this thread and your other posts.

First, I am sorry you are so isolated. Its really shocking to me to hear your analysis that HIV positive friends in particular can't deal with your waning state.  I am torn here. I know honey attracts more flies than vinegar.  But kind of love that analogy because the friends are the "flies"....  I might be tempted to flat out ask a few friends to be more supportive and "there", and see what happens.  It can't make things worse, right.

I hope you have the funds to get the right lawyer to get every last cent you Dad left to you.  If I were in your shoes, once I had it, I wouldn't hesitate to spend whatever necessary to make my days on this earth more comfortable.  Why is it important to leave anything to her kids, if you need the money, use it...

Also I would keep all communication with her going through lawyers. 

On the other hand, I would NOT let her poison cut you off from the rest of the family. If you feel like there is still some love there for you, please try to see the rest of your family, by without your sister present.  Anytime in those meetings when you feel her poison coming out in other people's words, I would be honest with these family members and tell them how terribly destructive your sister is being and that you only want kindness and support, to recieve it and give it, and to be a cherished member of your family.  Surely some of them will value your elegance over her venom and greedy meanness?   

[Buckmark]

Deaths and estates / inheritances often bring out the worst in families.  I'm sorry you are having to go through all of this.  Unfortunately, I'm not a lawyer, so I have no idea if she has the right to be trying to take your estate away from you.  Often, it seems like it is a contest of who has the best legal team, so you better make sure you have a great attorney.

Not having contact with your sister is smart.  I'm sure your health problems make this even more stressful.  Regarding your sister telling everyone about your HIV status and your sexual orientation, you probably already know that you're not going to be able to stop her.  Especially what I recall from your previous posts -- this is a pattern.  The fact is, it's irrelevant when it comes to allocation your parents estate.  While it's hard not to make a big deal of what she is doing, the bigger deal you make of it, the bigger it will become.  Let her flame out in a blaze of glory.  Surely your whole family doesn't buy in to all the crap she is spewing.  And if they do, they're not worth your time, either.

Regards,

Henry

[denb45]

Yeah, I too went thur THIS w/ my Twin-sister 20 yrs ago..unfortunately for me, she came out the winner, she had very good legal counsel, as I couldn't afford to fight her.....we still speak, but not very often, as she is very dismissive about my AIDS & life-style........

Jeff, you might be surprised as to what other family members think about your sisters actions, mine didn't agree w/ my sister much, and some of them don't even like her too well......

here's the funny part in all of THIS, they will let her know about this if she get's too bitchy, uppity and dismissive with them 
and won't hesitate to throw it back her way......just saying 


Hang-in-there, it will all come to a head soon enough

HUGS

Dennis in ABQ

[LoboDog]

I come from a white trash family... when my Mom died, my siblings fought over a washing machine that was duct taped together and a 10 year old TV set. Personally, I just stepped out of the way and thought, "How pathetic"

Most of your family will think the same thing. Anytime I hear of someone waiting for another person to die in order to get the inheritance the only description that comes to mind is "scum bag". She can say all she wants about your homosexuality... it just shows that she is homophobic. Any negative comments concerning your illness shows a lack of compasion in a health care worker.

The only thing you can do is to continue the legal fight... Ignore her antics... And if you win, spend as much of the inheritance as you possibly can 

Bottom line though, don't adopt other peoples issues as your own. Also, don't allow her lack of standards bring your's down.

[jm1953]

Thanks for all the replies.  Appreciate all your responses and take them to heart.  You are right, estates like this are very complicated.  Also a mess with a family like mine. But you are also right that my evil sister's kids, who are now adults with their own families, probably are seeing her now as she is.  I have begun some correspondence with my youngest neice, and hope to with the rest and restart our family ties without my sister's controlling them.  I still love them and want me in my life.

My attorney is handling all my sister and brother in law's correspondence for my protection.  So your advice is well noted.

It is hard beind in this stressful situation.  And I have been careful not to tell but only a couple of friends I may be coming into some money.  I've already been dumped by two when I told them I was getting nothing just to see how they would react.  Hard to trust people in this situation.

Thanks again.  You all are great.

Best to you,

Jeff