One week being positive

[andenes]

Last Wednesday I tested positive.  I didn't believe it because I don't do anything all that risky.  Getting tested was always just something I did every few months but never feared. 

I've been seeing a guy for a few months.  Normally I'm a top, but I never topped him, although he topped me a few times for a really briefly.  Other than that it was always just oral.  I'm planning on telling him tonight.  I have a sinking acid pit in my stomach just thinking about it.

The first few hours all I could think about was telling my ex, because we'd slept together a few times recently, never with protection.  After 3 years with the same person, it's hard to suddenly start using condoms.  When I told him a few hours after I found out about myself, he literally opened the car door and ran away... but thankfully came back.  He got tested the next day and came out negative, but I know that could easily change.  It hadn't been that long since we last slept together.

I never would have put myself in danger, let along these guys I cared about, if I even remotely thought I could have any infection.  I feel horrible about myself and what has happened to my life, but 10x worse about how these guys I care about could be infected too.  I feel like a murderer.  I'd take it all on myself if I could.

I go in on Thursday to find out my numbers and for a definitive diagnosis.  It's weird... my little sister has breast cancer, and when she was diagnosed, she posted all about it on Facebook and got support everywhere she turned.  When I was diagnosed with this, all I felt was shame, guilt, and self-loathing.  Knowing that there are guys that may still test positive because of me makes me feel like I don't have the right to go to my friends for emotional support, because what's worse than someone who gives the people they love and care about HIV...

[Jeff G]

Welcome to the forums Andenes . Its only natural to feel a whole range of conflicting emotions when you find out you are poz , give it time and I promise it does get better .

Try to remember that to make a mistake is only human , the person who you got the virus from is not a monster and if you unknowingly passed it on to someone else it doesn't make you a monster either . Its good you are posting here where you can get the support you need . I urge you to seek counseling if you are still feeling and thinking thoughts of self loathing . It takes time but you will get a better perspective and have a happy life again. 

[WillyWump]

Hey kiddo, Try not to be too hard on yourself. You made a mistake, we all did, it doesnt mean we are less a human being because of it. The first few weeks after diagnosis are tough emotionally, but it will get better. I can promise you that. No matter what, you are going to be fine.

Let us know how it goes tonight with your guy friend.

Also, welcome and remember that you have a ton of friends here to help you through the tough times 

-Will

[andenes]

I just got my first numbers...
CD4 294
24%
VL 10,491

I'll be seeing someone in a few weeks to try to get public assistance to help pay for the doctors visits and medication.

[drewm]

I just got my first numbers...
CD4 294
24%
VL 10,491

I'll be seeing someone in a few weeks to try to get public assistance to help pay for the doctors visits and medication.

Welcome to the forums!

[elsamario33]

Hello everyone:

Tested positive on Feb 2012, it was scary but emotionaly im much better now. I started Atripla 8 days ago, an yesturday a mayor rash showed up. Im in th Ryan White program cause my financial resources are limited. I called my doctor and he never returned the called regarding the rash; its the weekend and its not geting any better, the farmasist recomended Benadryl and cortizone cream ( not helping)
 
Everything was going so great, last week i felt emotionaly stable and beacuse i dint have any side effect on my 1st days on Atripla I thought it was an overpassed chalenge. The rash dosent hurt its like a bas sunburn but emotionally is debastating, its like the fisical proof that there is something wrong with you. Im scared of going to work on Monday and someone ask me was wrong with me. I feel week ( i think is the Benadryl) and scared of stoping my Atripla treatment, my doctor told me if i sudenly stop it it could be worst 4 my body.

Dont know what to do, my friend told me to wait some days and pehaps the rush will go away. has anyone had a similar experience??

[csguy1]

andenes - Welcome to the forums and sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis. Like you I was in shock about the diagnosis. I can promise that with a little time things do get better. I guess the initial shock takes a few weeks/months but as your on Meds you will see your life return to somewhat normal. Hang in there bud and just ensure you set up an appointment with an HIV specialist. You will be fine and live a long life.

elsamario33 - Sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis and welcome to the forums. Glad that you are coping with it well. From my research and reading multiple posts about people taking Atripla and there experiences, its sort of normal for your body to develop a rash a week or so after they started taking it. Now also based on what I've read the rash seems to go away within a week as well. Don't be too alarmed about it, its just a reaction of your body adjusting to the meds and fighting the virus(immune re-constitution). On Monday you should be able to reach your doc and he will be able to answer the questions you have. If Atripla does not work for you for one reason or another do know that there are many other treatment options that are available today. So just relax know its normal and that it should subside. Hang in there and good luck, your not alone in fighting this bug. Have a good night