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Author Topic: Infected in July, Think about Suicide every day. Please help me understand  (Read 8534 times)

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Offline Tezzer

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Also posted in the Women's area by accident. Moderator can delete that one if needed.

Hello Everyone,

I am a 30 year old woman who became HIV positive from someone who was sleeping with transgender prostitutes while we were together.

I took an oraquick test in october and it was positive. I immediately called my mother and she met me. My mind was racing and i crashed my car into a building hoping to die. I survived it and still had hope that the test was wrong. So i took a blood test and it was positive. I was escorted to the R wing of my local hospital and ended up spending the weekend there.

I was placed on Klonopin, paxil and Complera. My blood work came back that i was still at an undetectable level without the meds but i started them anyway because I felt it would keep growing. I am still undetectable after 2 months on complera. I am not ill physically, but mentally I am shredded.

Every single day I think about ending my life. I work full time and always get compliments on my upbeat attitude but they dont know that my nightly routine consists of me sitting indian style in my mirror and crying for hours.

My sadness and anger comes from not knowing why this happened to me. I am and always have been a good person. Ive never had an STD or STI in my life and I trusted the person i got it from. I was never sleeping around or doing IV drugs. I was married for 10 years and we separated by my own hand and I cant forgive myself for not just staying with my husband and being negative.

I call and plead to God to give me answers and feel like he wants me to come to him so this can all be lifted from my shoulders.

I feel like no man will ever want me again and that I was very attractive before and now see a witch in the mirror.

I'm lonely and feel like every day i am just being diagnosed again.

There is one support group in my area but it is run by a girl i went to highschool with and my worst fear is people knowing. I cannot go there.

My conscience drove me to tell someone i cared about and they left me. My first HIV related loss plays itself in my head every day and now I am crippled with the fear that this will continue to happen to me once people know the truth.

I cant date because I know if it becomes sexual I cannot keep it a secret and that they will leave me.

I am lost and feel like the only way to get answers is to end this life because it is worth nothing now.

Today I went to get my Complera and it still wasnt in stock, so now I have to miss a day. It made me feel so vulnerable and ashamed that I am at the mercy of this medication and maybe god is telling me to let the disease take me.

I guess I came here hoping to hear peoples experiences. To hear that people made it through the lowest of the low points and what I can expect if i decide to try and live with this.

Offline Rico20743

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If god wanted you to die he would have killed you. I get exactly how you feel because I felt that way too. Even with hiv You still wake up everyday god doesn't make any misktakes. What city are you in ? I'm in the DC area . I wish I could be there for you right now I know how alone you feel. Don't kill yourself your life is still precious !

Offline Ptrk3

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I did remove your duplicate post, in order that more people can respond to you.

Firstly, please do not harm yourself.  If you feel that you will, go to the nearest hospital's emergency room and seek help and or call one of the following numbers reached through these links:

http://www.stopsuicidegenesee.org/

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

I presume you have had a confirmatory test that you are HIV positive since you have been prescribed Complera, but, if not, make sure that you have been confirmed positive.

If you have been confirmed as HIV positive for HIV antibodies, know that there is no reason that you can not live a long and healthy life, as long as you remain adherent to your medical regimen (missing a dose of Complera here and there will not make a difference, so don't fret that your Complera is temporarily out of stock).

An HIV diagnosis is not the same as it was 10 years ago, let alone 30 years ago.  It is not a all a "death sentence" and there is no reason why you can not achieve all your dreams and goals, including a loving and nurturing relationship with a man (there are many couples on this forum, one of whom is negative and the other positive).

Yes, being diagnosed with HIV is life changing, but it does not at all mean that your life is by any means over.  Though you may now reside in a dark place where many of us have been, you must believe me now when I write:  it does get better.  It really does.

The HIV is just that, a virus.  It does not discriminate and having contracted it does not make you bad.  It is what it is, a mere virus that can be stopped and beaten.
Don't let it stop you and don't be so hard on yourself.

Make it your short term goal to achieve an "undetectable" viral load so that you can halt any damage to your immune system.  Also, seek psychiatric assistance and cognitive therapy to help you through these early dark days.

I'm sorry that you are in these circumstances, but glad that you found these forums for continuing support and enlightenment.  Stay in contact here, a safe place, with many kind, caring. and compassionate people who are eager to help you.

Every life is a precious gift, including yours.  With time and work, you will find peace and strength in your ongoing productive and meaningful life.

Please continue to rely on these forums as a safe place for you as you begin to sort things out.

My thoughts are with you as you continue your journey toward health and peace of mind.
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Online Jim Allen

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Hi

Welcome and glad to hear your on treatment.

You are still newly diagnosed and this time can be a bit of a head twister, I can only echo what Patrick said about seeking help, if you are feeling suicidal please don't and talk to your doctors, seek help and also talk to your HIV doctor.   

Don't beat yourself up about living with HIV, it happened and instead of looking back look forward. Living with HIV is taking a pill a day but life goes on, and you should expect to have to work, pay your bills, pay the rent, fall in love, perhaps get married again if your into that or don't, or even kids if that's the plan.  Simply put life with HIV goes on as normal, it just takes time to accept that.  Take your meds and be adherent to the medication, go for any check-ups. Its simple with treatment you should expect to live a long, happy and productive life.

The why it happened, well the short of it is you had a risk. No big psychologically thought behind it end of the day, no need to beat yourself up, it happened its the past. HIV is nothing more than biology HIV transmits between people in very certain and specific ways.  HIV does not judge, so do not empower it with thoughts of why me.

As for dating and never having someone, yes you will. There are plenty of couples here, and there are tones of us that date and have relationships.  I've has a few  "mixed-status" relationships meaning my partners were "presumed" HIV-negative. HIV is simple not a barrier, could someone say no thank you sure, but that is always the risk with dating and many people with disabilities or manageable conditions date successfully you will be no different.

Anyhow wishing you well and if you need to talk we are here for you.

Jim
« Last Edit: January 17, 2017, 02:47:07 am by JimDublin »
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Offline newbie2016

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Hi, I am sorry to hear your story, I got goosebumps reading parts of it because it is similar to my thoughts of carrying on alone and feeling what did i do to deserve this.
Look hiv doesn't discriminate at all, I am fortunate enough to have met some really lovely people from all walks of life due to this diagnoses
I hear you on the feeling ugly, well don't, treat yourself to a haircut or something special you enjoy for yourself.
Can your medication be pre ordered so you don't run out? I found that a stress when it happend to me
Would the high school person divulge your status being that they are there to help hiv affected people, I dont think so, i am sure more compassion towards you.
seek help in counseling, i have found it brilliant, helping you go through the stages  and emotions, I was told i would grieve, i thought it was crazy, but you will and do, i cried for days and weeks, i still do every now and then
disclosing takes a lot of courage, be proud of yourself for being able to do so,thats  a big risk.
I found it mentally draining for months, I am told how healthy i look now, I take my meds, i appreciate life a lot more. yes we hide our sorrow, but then you have to look or find support, go to your meeting, talk on here.
The dating, in time you will, i think it will be more special and the right person will accept you for you. I hope you are ok, I am sure with support you will it just takes time.

Offline harleymc

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Praying for a reason why has made things worse and will continue to make things worse for you.

HIV is not God's judgement. It is not an indication of any moral failing. It's just a virus end of story.

Why on earth can't you access a support group run by someone you know? You do realise why they are running it, to help others. She is not in the business of making people's lives worse. All the better that there is a welcoming face that you know.

Talk to your doctor about your wonky thoughts they are making you ill. You need psychological help now.

Offline Tezzer

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I dont think its wonky to be afraid that someone will run back and tell that I am infected. I live in a small area and Its not crazy for me to want to keep my status private.

I believe it God but like most of us, never understood why bad things happened to good people. Now its a thought that has become a reality in my own personal life and it makes me question everything about God.

I will be hooked up with a therapist starting next week and hope that something good comes from it.

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?


I am a 30 year old woman who became HIV positive from someone who was sleeping with transgender prostitutes while we were together.

I understand you are angry about your situation.  I want to say that in my opinion, people get HIV from having a risk usually by having unsafe sex with a person.   Neither person's gender has anything to do with the physics of the transmission. 

People  have sex.  People make mistakes.  Sometimes mistakes lead to consequences. 




My sadness and anger comes from not knowing why this happened to me. I am and always have been a good person. Ive never had an STD or STI in my life and I trusted the person i got it from. I was never sleeping around or doing IV drugs. I was married for 10 years and we separated by my own hand and I cant forgive myself for not just staying with my husband and being negative.

Again, i appreciate that you have a true faith and that is guiding the way you are thinking through your experience.

I am a gay man and lapsed catholic. I am in my 50s. Got HIV in my 40's.  It has been decades since I thought STD or STI or HIV or AIDS has anything whatsoever to do with morality and or God's will. 

I know some angels on earth who got HIV and DIED in the 80s and 90s. Also I know some bastards.

I recommend you read this book:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AIDS_and_Its_Metaphors

I will share my opinion again about why you got HIV.  Because you had unsafe sex and weren't thinking clearly about trust and actions. 

Easier maybe for me to say as a gay guy because we learned in the 1980s not to trust anyone's HIV status - rather to have safe sex. 

Its human to trust people and yet unsafe sex comes with risks.  That's just the way it is. You put your faith in someone untrustworthy and it was your decision. 

You haven't mentioned it. But I would say, it is also possible that the partner who transmitted to you, did not know s/he had HIV either.  That happens rather often.

You will have to come to terms with your actions and if you can forgive yourself or not, and this partner or not.

I'll say from long long experience people do best when they can let this blame game go.  That's just the way it goes.  You are all wrapped up in shame and blame and it makes you suicidal.  There is another way to think. You'll have to change your mindset. 

Talking here a lot will probably help. Also the therapist sounds like a good idea.  Maybe some meds to get through the mental health crisis so you can have some breathing room to change your brain.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2017, 08:16:22 pm by mecch »
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Offline Delby

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I've been where you are today. All I could think about was killing myself. I spent the first year researching ways to end my life. I even checked the local temperature of a lake nearby and went as far as calling the park warden to find out what temperature the lake would be in winter. I thought death by hympyhermia seemed the best route. My thoughts turned into obsessions. They paralysed me with fear and I was stuck in a loop of thinking terrible thoughts. I couldn't see a way out. I couldn't enjoy the simplest things in life such as listening to music or the radio or laughing or watching TV. I was living in a mental hell.

That was in 2006. Let me tell you what I've done so far. Aside from the fact I thought I'd be dead by now, if you would of shown me a glimpse of my life today, I wouldn't of believed you. I met my negative wife in 2007 and we married later that year. My wife isn't someone that I had to make compromises for. Meaning, I couldn't of imagined meeting such a beautiful soul, whether pos or neg. all my friends, 99% don't know my status say that she is just amazing and I'm so lucky. I feel it. She accepted me for who I am and it's not even an issue for her. We then went on to have 2 healthy children. I built up 2 businesses and sold 1. We go to the gym. We eat out. We walk. We laugh. We cry. We love. We argue. Life continues. Don't get me wrong, we've had our fair share of challenges in life and this past year has been the most difficult year of my life health wise. But I must stress it has NOTHING to do with my HIV. I will write a post one day.

Don't believe your thoughts. That's what they are designed to do. To paralyse you. To protect you. But they don't protect you. They do the opposite. They leave you fearful, hurt and feeling very vulnerable. You are not your thoughts. Read books about thoughts, mindfulness and ways in which you can improve your thinking as you'll be living with this virus for a very very long time. You have your whole life ahead. Don't give up your dreams. Why should you? Currently I'm dealing with my partners wife at work dying of cancer. Right now as we speak. In the last hour she's been sent into a hospice and I'll be surprised if she lives another 48 hrs. She's 54. She'd bite your left arm off and leg to be you right now. You have life. You have health. Be kind to yourself and be patiend and realise that how you feel today won't be how you feel tomorrow or the day after or the day after next. Nothing lasts forever so stay in for the ride and respect yourself. You're not dirty. Xx

Offline harleymc

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You're on two anti anxiety medications, so keep working with your therapist.

I realize you are incapable of trusting anyone because of your anxiety disorder so maybe the time isn't right for you to be in a support group. A support group lead by someone who is trying to help, is not going to harm you. Hush your fears, work with your therapist.


Offline Mightysure

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Re: Infected in July, Think about Suicide every day. Please help me understand
« Reply #10 on: January 28, 2017, 12:56:17 pm »
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.  I really hate that you were infected by someone you trusted and who didn't consider your health at all.  But your physical health seems good and you were undetectable before meds, so you have a robust response to the virus!!  Maybe once things are more settled, you'd consider joining a research study?? I'm sorry,  I'm a science nerd and I think it's important for more women to do these kinds of studies and I think they more they know about people who are undetectable without meds,  the closer we can get to a cure.
But I'm worried about your mental health.  Please do not harm yourself.  Just imagine how much pain your mother and others who love you will experience if you're not here.  I know there's still a stigma, but things are better.  Yes, our dating options do dwindle, but you only need one person interested. It will be harder, but it's definitely not impossible. But right, I'd suggest not to worry about dating. I'd stay in therapy and work on coming to terms with this.  I had to, most of us had to. 
It's going to be ok.  This forum is full of great people and you'll look back on this time and be amazed at how far you've come.

Offline Dan88

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Re: Infected in July, Think about Suicide every day. Please help me understand
« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2017, 01:42:04 am »
I think most people have been through the same thing. I was diagnosed in November 2014 when I was 26 and my depression lasted 8 months. In my case God only knows who gave it to me but... I think it could be worse I mean. There are more horrible chronic diseases out there like lupus that make other people's lives very miserable, at least we take pills and nothing else happens and it's not the 80's anymore, so we also have it better.

For me living with HIV is a reflection of how poor decisions can ruin our lives. It makes me realize that even the smallest decisions matter. Obviously you feel that nobody will like you, I felt the same way. But IMO you have the right to keep it secret, you don't have to tell everyone you meet that you're positive. Regarding dating, some people will be OK with it and some people will not. Maybe you can date someone who's also positive, I don't know. I don't think HIV has to be the end of our lives. I think it just makes us more accountable for our acts and more wary about our actions.

Maybe it's easier for me because I don't consider that being with someone is a must for a successful and joyful life, I also tend to be a little bit selfish and keep to myself all the time, but I guess that if I were looking for someone, that person would have to accept me for what I am, including this disease.

I don't see this as a punishment. It's very logical I mean, you sleep with someone who has the infection without protection, you get the disease, it's not very complicated to understand and it could happen to anyone. The things that allow me to cope with having the disease are: it's not deadly if you take medication, it's not something I must tell anyone about it, it's not a disease that leaves marks that could tell people that we have it unless we are in advanced stages, there are many people out there who are in the same situation, I have the support of my parents, it could be a lot worse and there's more information about the disease than ever before.  :)

Sometimes it scares me, sometimes it makes me anxious, sometimes it's a nuisance to me. I guess I'll never get used to living with it, but that's how things turned out to be. I think most of the time I don't even think about it, only before I go to bed and take my pill, or when I have to go to the doctor or get my blood tests. But I don't let it ruin my life, I think that's the most important thing. I also think that it gets better with time. So don't despair, there's hope, you're not alone. :D

Offline awakening

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Re: Infected in July, Think about Suicide every day. Please help me understand
« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2017, 08:45:28 pm »
@Dan88, thanks for sharing your experience. Well said.
~~~~
[month/date/year]
3/1/16: Tested neg (Oral swab)
6/17/16: Diagnosed poz (finger prick), confirmed w/Multispot assay
6/17/16: VL 22,900, CD4 - 524 cells/uL (30%)
7/2/16: Started Triumeq (DTG+ABC+3TC)
8/1/16: VL 30
10/4/16: VL <20, CD4 - 630 (31%)
1/4/17: VL 90
2/7/17: Undetected
4/17/17: Undetected, CD4 - 695 (33%)
7/20/17: VL 75
8/21/17: VL <20
11/27/17: VL<20
3/26/18: VL<20, CD4 - 701 (36%)
5/14/18: Switch to Juluca (DTG+RPV)
6/11/18: VL<20
7/25/18: Undetected, CD4 - 632 (38%)
1/22/19: VL<20

Offline JosephP

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Re: Infected in July, Think about Suicide every day. Please help me understand
« Reply #13 on: January 31, 2017, 10:48:39 pm »
Every single day I think about ending my life. I work full time and always get compliments on my upbeat attitude but they dont know that my nightly routine consists of me sitting indian style in my mirror and crying for hours.

Even with hiv, life is still worth living! React! wake up! Enjoy life.. I haven't dated anyone since my diagnosis by choice. I can't imagine telling her that I am hiv+... But there are many other ideas you can direct your life to. I didn't get depressed, fortunately, but did react by withdrawing from groups and friends and coworkers and now I am finally beginning to join in again. I focused my energy in the causes I care about. I went to several 'support group' meetings but couldn't take it. They were more a 'meat market' than a place to vent, hope and get advice...
Lift you head and start anew. Yes hiv and all. You will see that sooner or later Mr. Right will be there for you!
Today January 20, 2020, I have taken 2378 pills of my ARV since first pill. This means 79 bottles of 30 pills of ARVs at an average of $3950 per bottle or $313,103 USD for my treatment. I have a compliance of 99.83% taking my meds and only .17% (or 4 pills) non-compliant. Of these four pills two I forgot completely, One I lost and one I didn't have with me while traveling! I became UD 3 months after treatment start   ***We are all dealing with this. And we will live long and productive lives!! AND, yes the Lord is my shepherd. Life is good... And thanks for the meds! ***

Offline JosephP

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Re: Infected in July, Think about Suicide every day. Please help me understand
« Reply #14 on: January 31, 2017, 10:51:34 pm »
Sometimes it scares me, sometimes it makes me anxious, sometimes it's a nuisance to me. I guess I'll never get used to living with it, but that's how things turned out to be. I think most of the time I don't even think about it, only before I go to bed and take my pill, or when I have to go to the doctor or get my blood tests. But I don't let it ruin my life, I think that's the most important thing. I also think that it gets better with time. So don't despair, there's hope, you're not alone. :D

EXACTLY!!! Thank you Dan..
Today January 20, 2020, I have taken 2378 pills of my ARV since first pill. This means 79 bottles of 30 pills of ARVs at an average of $3950 per bottle or $313,103 USD for my treatment. I have a compliance of 99.83% taking my meds and only .17% (or 4 pills) non-compliant. Of these four pills two I forgot completely, One I lost and one I didn't have with me while traveling! I became UD 3 months after treatment start   ***We are all dealing with this. And we will live long and productive lives!! AND, yes the Lord is my shepherd. Life is good... And thanks for the meds! ***

Offline Surrendertothis

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Re: Infected in July, Think about Suicide every day. Please help me understand
« Reply #15 on: February 13, 2017, 08:03:34 pm »
Hi, I am a woman who was recently diagnosed. I can relate of so much what you said. I thought I was careful with my partners and I really don't have a big number when it comes to life partners. I also have never had an STD so it was a shock that I would find this one. I have suffered from depression and anxiety my entire life.

One day a lady from a non profit came to our group to give a presentation on STDs and HIV. She gave free rapid tests afterwards. I wasn't going to do it because I didn't consider myself to be at high risk for something like this. My health has always been great and I have never had any medical problems. Everyone else in my group stayed for the rapid tests so I decided it was free and quick so I would join them. I was completely shocked when 3 rapids were coming up positive. I felt like I was in a movie watching someone else's life. I was waiting for someone to tell me that it was a scare tactic to teach me a lesson. I felt completely detached. When it started to sink in the first thing I cried about what that I would always be alone because of this. It made me so sad. I get so angry sometimes. I was just beginning to bounce back from everything I went through last year and it just seemed so unfair that this was happening. I went the next day for confirmatory testing and I made an appointment for a private session with my counselor. I have basically been treating my diagnosis the same as my depression. Counseling and lots of support. I kept going over and over in my head asking myself what I had done to deserve this. It must have been because I spent so much time depressed and didn't appreciate my life and I must be being punished.

I talked with my counselor about this and something that she told me that helps me get through those thoughts is that IT"S A VIRUS THAT NEEDS A HOST. It doesn't care what kind of person I am or what I have done. It simply needs a host to survive and it found me. I am handling it much better than I thought for now but I know I have a long road ahead. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I'm sorry that it happened to us, all of us. If you need someone to talk to that you can relate to, I am here. Its so important to have support. 
« Last Edit: February 16, 2017, 06:12:24 am by JimDublin »

 


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