Main Forums > I Just Tested Poz

Just tested positive and working though complicated emotions TLDR

(1/3) > >>

Seigmeyer-of-Catarina:
Hello everyone, hope you are all doing well. Iím new to this forum and Iím really hoping I can get some advice and maybe a lil support from others who understand. I think I just really need to vent and have a moment to be as open as I can. Super sorry if this is dramatic and long but I donít have anyone I can share my true thoughts with about this.

To start, I just tested positive for HIV a week ago (2/4/21). Iím doing surprisingly okay today, but itís still just really hard. Im waiting on some more lab work, and my two main concerns are whether my strain has any drug resistances, and the possibility of secondary infection like hepatitis, which I worry would complicate treatment. Iíve already started biktarvy and Iíll know my results for those tests tomorrow hopefully.

Iím a 30 year old openly gay man in Alabama with a good amount of friends but Iíve only been able to tell one sibling and my boss about my HIV diagnosis. I think I find myself really down about not being able to be open with everyone else. Iíve always been incredible transparent with everyone in my life, and I never feel the need to hide anything, but this just feels so different. Maybe I do still feel shame, I donít know.

Honestly, Iím pretty scared, and Iíve in the past considered myself relatively fearless. Iím afraid of the disappointment from the people I care about. My mom will be devastated, even if I explain that Iíll be okay. Moms always worry you know? An HIV diagnosis just wouldnít make sense to a lot of my closest relationships. Some will be so worried, some will be sad, and I could imagine some relationships will gradually end, whether they ever admit to feeling differently towards me or not. I thrive on seeing other people happy and I donít want to hurt the people I care about. The last time I felt this way was at age 17 when I came out as gay, and I never thought Iíd feel the same feelings again.

The next thing i want to say is probably one of the hardest things for me to reconcile and itís the reality that, prior to testing positive, I had my own negative attitudes towards HIV. In a way, I canít help but feel like I was in someway apart of the collective stigma towards HIV. I feel angry at myself that it took a positive HIV result to recognize those negative attitudes, and the fact that I could have ever viewed anyone living with HIV differently. I always viewed myself as someone who valued truth, and doing the right thing because itís the right thing. But thinking differently of someone for having a virus doesnít align with those values at all. To anyone that reads this, I feel the need to apologize about that. Itís just not right. I think it may be my biggest source of shame.

All in all, you guys I just really want a hug

Jim Allen:
Sorry to hear about the results.  It can be a lot to digest.

Reading your post, I understand you are still waiting for follow-up results. So you have just had a reactive antibodies result? Until the follow-up results come back, I will ask you to only post in this one thread, thanks.


--- Quote ---Iím a 30 year old openly gay man in Alabama with a good amount of friends but Iíve only been able to tell one sibling and my boss about my HIV diagnosis. I think I find myself really down about not being able to be open with everyone else. Iíve always been incredible transparent with everyone in my life, and I never feel the need to hide anything, but this just feels so different. Maybe I do still feel shame, I donít know.
--- End quote ---

About not be open with everyone. Look I don't see not sharing ones personal medical conditions with everyone as not being open.  Most people will have, develop or acquire one or multiple manageable medical conditions during their lives that they may choose not to advertise to everyone. It is just not relevant for most other people to know about these things.


--- Quote ---Honestly, Iím pretty scared, and Iíve in the past considered myself relatively fearless. Iím afraid of the disappointment from the people I care about. My mom will be devastated, even if I explain that Iíll be okay. Moms always worry you know? An HIV diagnosis just wouldnít make sense to a lot of my closest relationships. Some will be so worried, some will be sad, and I could imagine some relationships will gradually end, whether they ever admit to feeling differently towards me or not. I thrive on seeing other people happy and I donít want to hurt the people I care about. The last time I felt this way was at age 17 when I came out as gay, and I never thought Iíd feel the same feelings again.
--- End quote ---

The thing about sharing something personal is you can't control how others will react or think.  I would say perhaps before sharing your HIV status with others consider taking some time to digest the news and to be more okay with it yourself. 

Glad to read you started treatment though and keep us posted on how you get on.

Best, Jim.


Seigmeyer-of-Catarina:
Thank you for you response. I received a positive antibody test as well as a follow up blood test which confirmed the diagnosis. I realize my phrasing was probably confusing. To clarify, the test results I'm currently waiting on are for the viral load, CD4 count, and the results for hepatitis.

Jim Allen:
Hiya.

Thanks for your reply. Until the VL results are in to confirm ill ask you to stay in this one thread.

Understand it can be a rough time, know that you are not alone, and people are here to support you. Also, feel free to post any questions you may have in this thread.

Best, Jim

TexasDragon:
Seigmeyer -

I think a lot have tasted that bitter pill.

ĎIíll never get that.í ĎIím careful.í ĎIím not wreckless.í

Then the resulting self-judgement from realizing it did happen to you. So much toxic shame. Seems to be a lot of that going around lately.

Here is a big *HUG* for you.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version