Author Topic: How My Family Initially Reacted to My HIV Diagnosis (Their Letters Online) (Read 8861 times)

AustinWesley · « **on:** February 03, 2007, 02:16:56 pm »

After reading so much in various posts people's fears about sharing their HIV status with family I decided to share the personal letters which my dad, brother, mom and sister wrote within a month of my diagnosis. I posted them unedited online on my personal Myspace page for others to read and hopefully learn from.

Originally, I'd asked my family to write both how my being gay had affected them when I came out years ago, and how my HIV diagnosis had affected them and their feelings on the subject.

I know I'm lucky to have a very supportive family, but we are hardly the Waltons. It was interesting to see what they had to say and I didn't ask them to write these letters for some kind of self promotion or anything like that. I'd heard someplace that writing out thoughts and feelings was a good way for people to deal with traumatic events and start the healing process.

Keep in mind that these letters were written shortly after my diagnosis and it was a very emotionally charged time for my family. I'm not advocating that anyone should do what I did. Everyone has different family dynamics, but I wanted to share my experience so that others could gain some insight from it.

I'm happy to say that my family has come a long way since that day in March last year, and we are all pretty much back to normal. Although, I have to say I did get pretty much everything on my Christmas list this year so maybe that was a bonus ; )

Some of these letters are quite long (my family is a chatty bunch) and I'm not sure if you guys can all view the link? If not, I can post the letters individually here for everyone to read if you are unable to acces the link below:

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.listAll&friendID=37852557&startID=118036269&StartPostedDate=2006-05-06%2009:27:00.0&next=1&page=2&Mytoken=55A238F8-2811-46A3-BC07B760A60FFDC223243107

heartforyou · « **Reply #1 on:** February 03, 2007, 03:24:07 pm »

Thank you Wesley...

I am sitting here, holding back my tears. For this is an honest stripping...

Tell your family I admire them for their support towards you. Woooooooow

Good luck boy.

Herman

AustinWesley · « **Reply #2 on:** February 03, 2007, 03:35:58 pm »

Hey Herman,

Thank you! I will share feedback with them. I know this is a very difficult thing for people to do from first hand experience and I don't regret how I handled my situation with my family.

Yeah, I got a little teary eyed reading them again today myself. My family is not one that is typically very emotional or especially close, but since that time they've made attempts to be more open and honest not only with me, but with each other.

In retrospect, if I had anything I could change I would have been more informed myself about HIV and waited till I had those first lab results so I knew more about my health status. Other than that I wouldn't have handled it any differently.

I've faced no discrimination or negative feedback about my public stance on HIV either online or in public so it was a very liberating experience for me.

I hope it helps others who are struggling with their own situations and the fear of sharing their status. Both of my parents are in their 70's and neither had a heart attack so that was a great relief

If anyone has any questions or would like to share their own experiences I'd be happy to help in any way I can.

Wesley

dtwpuck · « **Reply #3 on:** February 03, 2007, 03:47:35 pm »

I read every word, Wesley. The single hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life was to tell my mother that I am HIV+. I still remember the look on here face and her holding out her arms like she was holding a child, saying "my sweet little boy has AIDS".

I have been very lucky in my life and with my family. My parents divorced young and each of them remarried. My father is a Vietnam vet with all of the horrible baggage that entails. My mother has had health problems her entire life and struggled to raise two children on her own. Neither one of them rejected me for being gay. And, both of them reached out to me when they found out my status.

For so long I have felt that when I talk to gay men that I am a voice in the wilderness about being open with my family. I am the gay man whose mother invites all his lonely friends over for Christmas because they don't have anyone during the holidays. I am the gay man whose father gets into a fist fight in a bar because someone bad-mouthed his gay son. It makes me so happy to see that there are other families like mine.

So, thank you very much for posting this. I am going to share it with my mother.
I am sniffing and tearing up right now, and, well, as anyone who knows me at all could attest, this is the highest compliment I could bestow.

Thanks again,
~puck

mjmel · « **Reply #4 on:** February 03, 2007, 03:55:38 pm »

It's the best-case-senario in family support. You have been spared much grief and alienation, Wesley. So much love and support from your family. All of em, too!

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #5 on:** February 03, 2007, 03:58:25 pm »

Very touching Wesley (I kept thinking your name was Austin all this time, but it's just where you live)

My family is very supportive as well, and I told them 3 years ago but had waited a decade during that time. I wish I'd told them much sooner as the support is worth any misgivings I may have had, and in fact relieved them of any sort of "wondering" about me, most definitely after them having witnessed a couple of major weight losses. In hindsight it wasn't fair for me to have them keep questions about my health undiscussed that long.

AustinWesley · « **Reply #6 on:** February 03, 2007, 03:59:58 pm »

Quote from: dtwpuck on February 03, 2007, 03:47:35 pm

I read every word, Wesley. The single hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life was to tell my mother that I am HIV+. I still remember the look on here face and her holding out her arms like she was holding a child, saying "my sweet little boy has AIDS".

I have been very lucky in my life and with my family. My parents divorced young and each of them remarried. My father is a Vietnam vet with all of the horrible baggage that entails. My mother has had health problems her entire life and struggled to raise two children on her own. Neither one of them rejected me for being gay. And, both of them reached out to me when they found out my status.

For so long I have felt that when I talk to gay men that I am a voice in the wilderness about being open with my family. I am the gay man whose mother invites all his lonely friends over for Christmas because they don't have anyone during the holidays. I am the gay man whose father gets into a fist fight in a bar because someone bad-mouthed his gay son. It makes me so happy to see that there are other families like mine.

So, thank you very much for posting this. I am going to share it with my mother.
I am sniffing and tearing up right now, and, well, as anyone who knows me at all could attest, this is the highest compliment I could bestow.

Thanks again,
~puck

Hey Puck,

Thanks for that! Unbelievably, when I did a few articles online and elsewhere the only people to condemn me were a few bitter gay men. There were only a couple, but I figure they are people unhappy with their own lives.

It wasn't my attempt to make everyone cry ; ) But, it's definitely an emotional issue for all.

I was greatly encouraged to read your own post. I don't think we can be the only two that have families that stick together when the chips are down for one member.

This year happens to be my parent's 50th Anniversary so I'm gona have to get them something good ; )

Best Regards,

Wesley

heartforyou · « **Reply #7 on:** February 03, 2007, 04:05:15 pm »

I am glad to read your reply and see that your family has been communicating more after your confession.

My parents are both 83 now. So they were raised when gay was never mentioned in "good society"
I told them I was gay when I was 21. All my mom said was : I knew all the time and I love you as my son.
I told them I had AIDS in 1995, after returning from hospital with PCP. I was 39. This time my mom said : I had been afraid it was AIDS. Now I know. But you are my son, and I love you. But most of all, why did you keep it to yourself for so long my boy? You needn't be suffering so hard all by yourself...

Ever since I have had an open relationship with my family. After the initial schock ( I had to tell them I would probably die within the next couple of months) I started to tell my parents what they had meant to me in my life. Sort of like your parents wrote.
It made me feel at peace.
Even now I talk about dying to my mom on several occasions. I told her that, should she ever have a stroke or
so, it would be all right to go and leave this life. That she has my blessing.
We talk about how wonderfull it was to have them as parents and how peacefull I will go after having received so much credit to live.
At 83 , my mom calls me when she reads about a new drug for HIV or when I had new tests done, and share the results with them.

My sister, who was widowed at age 37 ( her husband died in an accident at age 39) was left with three little girls. She told them about the disease that uncle Herman had contracted by simply having loved someone and having had sex. They wrote me little poems. Even one to take with me to heaven.. the little one did that, so that I would never forget her.

Well, it turned out that my honesty about HIV made hugging and saying aloud how much I appreciate my family and my parents a natural thing, and brought a mutual feeling of Love.

How many of you had a chance to tell your parents you loved them for what they did?.
If you still have them around, why not write them a letter, as I did.
It was 12 pages, and my mom says it was the most precious gift she has ever received in her life.

All it took was the courage to be open about HIV. To see myself as a man with a heart and a virus. And to never give up hope that my parents would pass before me.
Through the suffering I learned to be give more, listen more, love more and live more.

I gave them a chance to let their grief, pain, fear and sadness out. And they let me show my suffering in return.

Herman

AustinWesley · « **Reply #8 on:** February 03, 2007, 04:16:49 pm »

Beautiful story Herman! I don't think most people give thier family and loved ones enough credit for the strength they have, but you are right about the fact that changing the family dynamic for the positive and making time together count is priceless.

Early on I had conversations about death and dying with my mom and siblings. Being the smart ass I am I told them all that I'd be damned if I was gona die off anytime soon and let my two siblings inherit everything

Humor is a common denominator in my family so whenever the coversations (and they rarely do now) seem depressing or going in the wrong unproductive direction I usually have some obnoxious statement to lighten things up.

I'm glad we aren't just hearing horrible stories and I think there are lots more out there who will be contributing to the subject.

Wesley

heartforyou · « **Reply #9 on:** February 03, 2007, 04:18:08 pm »

Maybe another positive experience to share...
After my visit to Dan's parents I openly wrote about HIV, being gay and the fact that the only thing I want in my life was some happiness, nothing more.
After Dan's visit to me his 72 year old father wrote me this

"Herman, we want to thank you for giving Danny the opportunity to visit you in Belgium. It is a wonderful gesture and one that I know Danny appreciates.
We are ever so grateful to you.

Danny has not had a lot of "happy times" in his life as we know you can identify with. Hopefully both of you have had at least a few great moments to enjoy some of what life has to offer and to not dwell on the "bad things" so much.

You are a great and compassionate person and we have found you to be a wonderful friend. We truly wish we could change the health problems you and Dan are dealing with but you know we can't. So - know that we care with love and support beyond measure.

We look forward to the next time we can be together.

Love. Jesse & Norma & Felix too!"

This just happens when you open up. Sometimes you just have to reach out to open their hearts.

Herman

dtwpuck · « **Reply #10 on:** February 03, 2007, 04:32:33 pm »

It doesn't surprise me that the most common bitter reaction is from bitter gay men. It's really a defense mechanism, you know. When your family life is difficult, it's a natural reaction to disdain those for whom family life is good. It just takes compassion to get through their disdain. Although, I will admit to being annoyed at times with the constant barrage of sarcastic bitchiness that is par for the course with gayness these days.

I sent my mother a link to your blog.

dtwpuck · « **Reply #11 on:** February 03, 2007, 04:39:29 pm »

Quote from: heartforyou on February 03, 2007, 04:05:15 pm

How many of you had a chance to tell your parents you loved them for what they did?.

You know, heartforyou, I just wrote to my mother to tell her how much I love her. I guess I think that she knows. We've always been really emotionally honest. But, I was thinking, it's very important to reaffirm things like this.

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #12 on:** February 03, 2007, 04:58:41 pm »

I often express to my parents how thankful I am to them for their love and support. Our relationship together has grown immeasurably from my disclosure to them, and is one of the few net positives from my life with HIV. And this is coming from someone who previously had a somewhat antagonistic relationship with them at times previously, certainly with my hyper uber-perfectionist mother.

FiercenBed · « **Reply #13 on:** February 03, 2007, 05:00:07 pm »

WOW....wes......that just really frost my balls!

very luckly dude.

p.s....whoz ur photographer?

bocker3 · « **Reply #14 on:** February 03, 2007, 05:01:11 pm »

Wesley,

You are indeed a lucky man to have such a loving and supportive family. I, too, shed tears while reading these letters. Your brother's especially hit me -- I'd give anything to have a relationship like that with any of my 3 brothers.
I do believe that this is the year I tell my family -- your family has given me greater hope that it can go well.

Thanks so much for sharing it with us.

Mike

Nadine · « **Reply #15 on:** February 03, 2007, 05:06:45 pm »

Wow, I don't even know what to say...that was truly beautiful...no dry eyes over here either!

AustinWesley · « **Reply #16 on:** February 03, 2007, 05:34:19 pm »

Quote from: bocker3 on February 03, 2007, 05:01:11 pm

Wesley,

You are indeed a lucky man to have such a loving and supportive family. I, too, shed tears while reading these letters. Your brother's especially hit me -- I'd give anything to have a relationship like that with any of my 3 brothers.
I do believe that this is the year I tell my family -- your family has given me greater hope that it can go well.

Thanks so much for sharing it with us.

Mike

Hey Mike,

You know all of those letters were and are very important to me. Just to let you guys know I honestly didn't think my brother would write one and was completed amazed when he did. He has a form of dyslexia and although he's very intelligent spelling and grammar are not easy for him. In fact, he will very rarely reply to an email because it takes him so long to formulate a written response. It must have taken him hours or a few days to write that letter.

He's truly a big brother though. Recently, I hosted one of those HIV social parties at my house and I was surprised that he showed up and ended up chatting away with all these gay HIV+ guys. LOL, I had to tell a few of them he was straight.

Since this my sister who makes jewelry for a living has created a line of awareness jewelry and a portion of the proceeds go towards whichever ASO I choose.

My parents have found that instead of hiding their own health problems they relate them more with me now. Not long after my diagnosis my father had a second cancer scare. After tons of bad news we learned he actually was fine, but it was interesting how he will relate the ordeal to my HIV now. My mom has been having issues with her diabetes and there are some similarities with HIV with relation to cholesterol and stress factors so she is constantly sharing health tips and opening up about her own frustrations.

Overall, I don't think I could be any luckier, but it wasn't easy at first. I don't want to paint a completely rosie picture of those first few weeks, but usually the most difficult things in life are the one's most worth pursuing!

I'm really glad you have all gotten something out of this post. I wasn't sure what the reactions would be, but again I'm delighted that it's gotten other people to consider thier own situation and love reading all the other stories.

Peace!

Wesley

Life · « **Reply #17 on:** February 03, 2007, 05:56:19 pm »

Wesley - I am very happy that your family share your situation with you.. I know (for me) I disclosed within a week after diagnosis individually to my family and close friends... Was it necessary? Yes it was for me, to have that support was critical.. I made a vow a long time ago that I will never keep secrets about myself from my family. Others here have not and that's a very personal decision to disclose. My husband has yet to tell his 80 year old parents.... And I suspect he will never do that as, for him, its a non-issue at this point and probably will never become an issue while they are still alive.

As for breaking ground in this world of ours. I do not think (for me) keeping this all bottled up helps people who do not understand that HIV is alive and well and living in friends and family members. If more people were able to "tell their stories of living" with hiv/aids to others, maybe the world would be less judgemental and alittle less harsh.. There have been so many ahead of us paving the way for us to be able to disclose... So Many... I don't think our disclosure efforts will ever be "over" unfortunately.. But the big ones are out of the way..

I really enjoyed reading your families responses... You are very blessed Wesley.... I wonder tho... (for both of us) has this changed how they look at us? Has this changed those bonds we had prior to discosure for the good or for the bad? I guess time will tell on that one... I hope its all good....

Love,

Andy Velez · « **Reply #18 on:** February 03, 2007, 06:17:50 pm »

Thanks, Wesley. What your parents and your brother have written is very touching.

I've passed it along to a good friend of mine whose only son is gay and of whom she has been very supportive both privately and publicly including in interviews I've done with her. (She's a well known singer). I knew she would appreciate what they had to say and especially the unqualified expression of love from each of them. She's always shaken her head in disbelief at the idea that a parent could ever turn their back on their child.

Thanks again for sharing this. With all of the very real unhappy stories we hear it's wonderful to be reminded that there are those family members who respond with love and caring too.

Cheers,

AustinWesley · « **Reply #19 on:** February 03, 2007, 06:19:51 pm »

Hey Eric,

I agree strongly with you that keeping this "bottled up" would not have worked for me.

I did that when I kept the fact that I was gay hidden for so many years. Having to cope with all of that by myself was a horrible and very negative situation. By not sharing my sexual orientation with my family I was keeping them in the dark and myself as well.

I believe almost any person who's gay can relate to that. Hiding my sexuality because of fear, shame and guilt really only manifested nothing but bad things which lead me on a path of self destruction. Having experienced that once, I couldn't go there again.

It's been close to a year now and I don't regret my decision and my family is glad I told them. In fact, I have seen some rather dramatic changes in their lives for the better. My brother finally got up the courage to start his own business. My parents who had previously both been very conservative Republicans actually were so disgusted with the current state of affairs with our government that in protest neither voted. ; ) Now, my mom calls me up to find out which candidate I'm supporting for health care. And, all the sudden my parents think gay marriage should be an equal right. Even my sister quit a job she hated to pursue her own goals. Was it a coincidence? Maybe, but I wonder if maybe just a little of it was because they started focusing on how life is important and you never know what can happen.

I still worry about my family a lot, but I haven't seen any evidence of my news damaging their lives. Quite the contrary!

Thanks Eric for sharing your story!

Wesley

koi1 · « **Reply #20 on:** February 03, 2007, 07:11:00 pm »

I loved the letter of support your family gave you. My family changed their views on gays as well when I came out to them. Some of them had no clue and would make hurtful remarks around me before they knew. Of course they somehow always worried that I would come up positive, and their nightmare came true when they found out about my status through my ex.

Like your family, they have given me nothing but love and support. And though if I had my way, I would still have kept this secret from them, I am happy that they have reacted with an optimistic, loving attitude. I have not told my mom as she is older, and not in the best of health. I don't think it is necessary to worry her for the last decade or so that she may have left (but who knows any of us could go first).

Anyway, thanks for sharing such a personal side of your life. Your candidness will help others who are struggling with "the secret."

rob

AustinWesley · « **Reply #21 on:** February 03, 2007, 07:53:08 pm »

Quote from: Andy Velez on February 03, 2007, 06:17:50 pm

Thanks, Wesley. What your parents and your brother have written is very touching.

I've passed it along to a good friend of mine whose only son is gay and of whom she has been very supportive both privately and publicly including in interviews I've done with her. (She's a well known singer). I knew she would appreciate what they had to say and especially the unqualified expression of love from each of them. She's always shaken her head in disbelief at the idea that a parent could ever turn their back on their child.

Thanks again for sharing this. With all of the very real unhappy stories we hear it's wonderful to be reminded that there are those family members who respond with love and caring too.

Cheers,

Hey Andy,

Thanks, that was always my goal to share this with as many as possible and help them with thier own difficult decisions as well as bringing about awareness to others. The more of us who do the better off we will all be.

LOL, I noticed you didn't mention my sister. HA, she was way angry and the first to write a letter. Both she and my mom wanted me to pull their letters so they could redo them ; ) They were all jealous cause my dad came out with the most articulate piece. However, upon reading it now I'm like OMG, everyone is going to think we are Amish or something

Well, I hope your friend finds these letters interesting.

And, with that I am off. Wishing you and everyone a Great Weekend!

Wesley

jyngfilm · « **Reply #22 on:** February 03, 2007, 08:17:34 pm »

Thank you for sharing, having previously settled on decision not to burden my parents...I may reconsider.
~jordon

Queen Tokelove · « **Reply #23 on:** February 04, 2007, 04:42:03 am »

I think it is great that there are those out there that has the support of their families. Wesley, I could not bring myself to read what your family wrote. Mainly because this is an issue that I am very emotional about. My family knows my status but only my parents were supportive. My brother knows but just doesn't talk about it when he talks to me. I'm not sure if my younger sister knows but since she is a lesbian, when I decide to tell her, I think she will be more open about it. The rest of my family feels as though it's my swan song.

DanielMark · « **Reply #24 on:** February 04, 2007, 05:18:55 am »

I posted them unedited online on my personal Myspace page for others to read and hopefully learn from.

Wesley,

First let me say, thank you for sharing the letters from your family. I was amazed, moved, weepy and somewhat selfishly envious of their love in action for you. I have no point of reference when it comes to that kind of support from my biological family. They are simply not able.

My adopted family of friends however is another matter entirely. They are the ones who are supportive of me in my world, both now and prior to my diagnosis nearly two decades ago.

I have no doubt these letters will help others in some capacity to cope with life after diagnosis. It was very brave of you to share them.

Daniel

skeebo1969 · « **Reply #25 on:** February 04, 2007, 08:08:13 am »

Wesley,

Thanks for sharing this with us. I read the whole thing. Not a single tear was shed during the whole read, but when I got back to this thread and read the following response something happend:

Quote from: heartforyou on February 03, 2007, 04:18:08 pm

Maybe another positive experience to share...
After my visit to Dan's parents I openly wrote about HIV, being gay and the fact that the only thing I want in my life was some happiness, nothing more.
After Dan's visit to me his 72 year old father wrote me this

"Herman, we want to thank you for giving Danny the opportunity to visit you in Belgium. It is a wonderful gesture and one that I know Danny appreciates.
We are ever so grateful to you.

Danny has not had a lot of "happy times" in his life as we know you can identify with. Hopefully both of you have had at least a few great moments to enjoy some of what life has to offer and to not dwell on the "bad things" so much.

You are a great and compassionate person and we have found you to be a wonderful friend. We truly wish we could change the health problems you and Dan are dealing with but you know we can't. So - know that we care with love and support beyond measure.

We look forward to the next time we can be together.

Love. Jesse & Norma & Felix too!"

This just happens when you open up. Sometimes you just have to reach out to open their hearts.

Herman

Suddenly I started thinking of my own family. What would have been my mother's and father's response? They are both deceased and I often wondered if the news would have been enough for either to bear. My sister and brother both turned their backs on me shortly after my diagnosis. Forgiveness is not something that seems to register with them. Just who I have chosen to love has been enough reason for them to not love their younger brother. Sometimes I even wish I was racist like them.... would I at least have my family's love?

I'm sorry I seem to be using this thread as a vent... This week has been extremely tough. I think my depression is also not helping matters. I am scared really... something else has been thrown on my plate concerning my health. I should be starting my own thread. I apologize...

Wesley and Herman, I thank you... I thank you for helping me touch on some emotion this morning. Maybe... just maybe I can muster some self worth today and bring myself to share why...

I doubt it though, because as the tears are drying... I am closing myself off emotionally once again.

Thomas

Andy Velez · « **Reply #26 on:** February 04, 2007, 03:05:40 pm »

Hey Thomas,

"My sister and brother both turned their backs on me shortly after my diagnosis. Forgiveness is not something that seems to register with them."

Jeeezus! You caught a virus. What was there for them to FORGIVE?. COMPASSION is what would have been in order.

OK, OK, I just get burned up when I read something like that.

Nico · « **Reply #27 on:** February 04, 2007, 03:32:57 pm »

Wesley,
This is the most touching expression of love I have read. What a beautiful family you have and one who obviously loves you to the core. Your brother's words rang home since you two are so close and remind me of when I told my younger sister. I am tearing up typing this, but they are tears of a good memory.

Thanks for sharing this with us and next time place a "Kleenex Alert" above your post.

A big hug of thanks!
Roger

marc11864 · « **Reply #28 on:** February 04, 2007, 03:56:31 pm »

I haven't had an opportunity yet to read the full content of the letters Wesley, but I fully intend to and what I've read so far from your father is both eloquent and touching.

For all the protests, and the meds and the politicking that we are engaged in to fight this disease and its spread, it is this kind of sharing among ourselves, as kilobytes of text for so many strangers to see or as a one-on-one conversation with someone you are close to, that is going to arrest this disease. To me this is our humanity, this is who we are.

Thanks again for that Wesley

P.S. What a great family!

Edited to include "P.S." comment after reading Wesley's blog.

heartforyou · « **Reply #29 on:** February 04, 2007, 07:40:56 pm »

Thomas,

Even if your parents are deceased, you can still formulate your "confession" to them in a letter, that you may be willing to write and then burn in a symbolic way.
Or you may want to read it out loud and then burn it.

If your matters are too private to you, try to write them down to yourself at least. That might help you.

Or if it helps, you may write them in a PM to one of us.

Remember that you don't choose your own brothers and sisters. It is their inability to widen their view that holds them back from showing compassion. and the fear that it might have happened to them.

Maybe it is time. Maybe it is not. But know that opening up and writing about your experience, your fears and pain, might help in letting it go to rest in your heart.

It took me some "guts " to write about it. But I know some people may be inspired or helped by it. So I did.

Feel welcome to share. And know that you are not alone with your depression. I fight it every morning.

Hermie

Longislander · « **Reply #30 on:** February 04, 2007, 09:24:25 pm »

Wesley,
Thank you for sharing this with us. I, off course, got a little teary-eyed mostly out of jealousy. I know no family is perfect, but I have no idea how my family will deal with it. Obviously I haven't told them. Nor have I told any friends. I tell people I meet, but I'm not afraid of their rejection.

Maybe one day, and hopefully out of choice, not illness.

Paul

aztecan · « **Reply #31 on:** February 05, 2007, 10:16:42 am »

Hey Wesley,

I read part of the letters, starting with your brother's. I will read the rest soon, but the print is small and my eyes started to cross.

Like you, I have been very fortunate. While I didn't have the chance to tell my father - he died in 1983 - my mother has been incredibly supportive. So has my sister.

The only drawback is now they think I don't eat enough and are always sending "care packages." But even that is a good thing.

Your family's support is wonderful. Thank you for posting the letters and starting this thread.

HUGS,

Mark

AustinWesley · « **Reply #32 on:** February 05, 2007, 12:36:18 pm »

Quote from: Longislander on February 04, 2007, 09:24:25 pm

Wesley,
Thank you for sharing this with us. I, off course, got a little teary-eyed mostly out of jealousy. I know no family is perfect, but I have no idea how my family will deal with it. Obviously I haven't told them. Nor have I told any friends. I tell people I meet, but I'm not afraid of their rejection.

Maybe one day, and hopefully out of choice, not illness.

Paul

Hey Paul,

You make a good point. I didn't want to have to tell my parents cause I ended up sick either. It didn't take me long on my own personal decision of telling my family or friends. I could only think of a handful of reasons not to, but I could think of 40+ million reasons to share.

To be honest, I wasn't sure how my own family would react, but I never thought they'd be that supportive. I didn't have one friend I knew of who was positive and had no one to talk to. So, I'm glad at how things worked out.

A few months back my mom and I agreed to share the news with some of her family (the ones we are close with). She was probably more worried about it then me, but my aunt was completely supportive and my cousins as well. I was a bit leary of how all that would go, but it turned out to be the right decision cause now my mom is able to talk to her sister. Actually, they just found out I was gay the year before and it was something my mom was all paranoid about talking about. As it turned out my aunt has lesbian friends she hangs out with and are apparently among her closest friends. I think it was a big relief for my mom.

Anyways, I'm rambling away here. I guess my point is people who ya least expect to be supportive often turn out to be your best allies. It doesn't matter if those people are your biological family or your own chosen family. If you aren't getting support from your own family I think it's important to seek it out elsewhere. This is too much for anyone to handle all alone, at least it would be for me.

Wesley

Ihavehope · « **Reply #33 on:** February 05, 2007, 01:17:18 pm »

Austin

I am glad that your family is supporting you in many ways. You found the courage to tell them and that is one of the hardest steps to take when you are poz. This thread has given me a different perspective and I appreciate you sharing this thread with us all.

Al

poet · « **Reply #34 on:** February 05, 2007, 01:27:04 pm »

Wesley, I finally have the time to read your family's letters. I will keep coming back here to edit my post so I can reply to each in turn. What I found fascinating about your father's is that it was written to a general audience, 'my wife and I,' 'Our son, Wesley,' etc. I assume that you had asked each family member to write to others as opposed to the, for me and my family, excruciatingly impossible write to each other?

Patrick's, your brother's letter: isn't that exactly the letter any of us with an older or younger brother or sister would hope for, emotions right there on the page?

Having now read your mother's letter (this being posted after Wesley's reply below) I am so glad that she has your father and you to be with her. I could sense in her caps, that so many things are beyond her in her mind, whether it's gays or medical schools. So by thinking back to your father's letter which showed me that as least a part of him is able to navigate waters of all sorts, I could see the reverse through your mother, trying so hard to keep an even keel, but those waters are rough.

I heard Mary Louise Parker (in her Longtime Companion role) as your sister, in your sister's words, in her story leading to you. If there isn't a play yet based on the letters of family members, there should be because it's these real voices which lead all of us, as readers, to our emotional cores but also from that core back out again: catharsis.

Thank you for sharing them. Best, Win

AustinWesley · « **Reply #35 on:** February 05, 2007, 02:32:23 pm »

Hey Win,

You are correct. I asked them to write their feeling's to everyone. When I first told them they were very confused, angry at the situation and felt there was nothing they could do. My sister was the first to actually tell me this and that's how I came up with the idea of having them write the letters. It gave them something productive that they could actually do and simultaneously work through their own emotions and feelings and hopefully make a difference for others. I share the responses with them and it has helped alleviate that sense of being "powerless."

That's one thing I hear consistently among well meaning friends and family who just have no idea what to do. I felt it was important that something constructive come out of the situation. Crying and feeling hopeless only goes so far and it wasn't gona benefit me or those close to me.

I'm sure there are others that have families who are very active, even joining in Aids walks and runs etc. I am hopeful that my story does help other see a different angle or perspective. I am deeply saddened when I hear all the depressing stories and accounts of rejection.

But, I think it's important to be optimistic and hear the success stories and how those have overcome the obstacles as well. I think it is important to share the good and the bad. The more we all learn the better, but just focusing on the negative isn't benefiting any of us!

Wesley

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