It's amazing what your body can take.

[Alain]

Hi everyone, I don't know where the time went and so far 2008 has been a challenged.

I kind of alienated myself from this site, with comments and opinions about the next AMG location. Ignorance has been mentioned at some point and time, but let me tell you that my comments were from my own frustration and situation regarding the travel ban. I am truly sorry, if I offended some of you and I am sure that this year AMG will be as successful as previous years, and I am so happy for those of you who are participating.

Where have I been? I spend New Year in the mountains about one hour north of Montreal at my brother's cottage. It was wonderful. The first time I got my camera out was to take a picture of mother. The smile she gave me send chills down my spine. Later on she showed me two lumps on on left shoulder, and I did not like the look of that. We took her to the hospital and she never came back. Mother died of terminal cancer on Easter Monday morning March 24th. The cancer was very aggressive and was spreading out fast.

Traveling between Toronto and Montreal was exhausting. I had to stop my meds for kidney failure, I was yellow like a tweedy bird with my liver, and quite frankly I couldn't stomach the meds anymore. I was then put on a new regiment 3TC, Isentress, Celsentry and I was sponsored for Intelence (TMC-125). I was so stressed out that I fail getting on this combo 4 times. My numbers were amazingly good considering the situation. I stayed off meds up and until 6 weeks ago.

I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to go on anything, since my mother always been a major part of my survival. It's like I needed her to sort of hold my hand and say that things are going to be working out. I was so fortunate to have such a special bond and friendship with her. What a show of strength, she completely accepted her faith and only cried once with her head on my shoulder and asked me to be strong and to surrender. Somehow I wanted to be angry. But I was not. I have no regrets as there are no unspoken words. Being deaf made matters worst however, as I wasn't able to read her lips. She was too weak, except for this one day on my birthday March 13. She asked me 2 things. First, as the friend I always been, to find a place in my heart to forgive her, as she refuse treatment some time ago. She wasn't happy with my dad and for better or for worst it has been worst all those years. Life had brought her the exit door that she needed. Being religious she was able to fulfill her contract, until death do us part. Second, as her son, she asked me not to be there when she died. That was very difficult granting this request, but I did it. I supported her 100% even though she had broken our promises, to tell everything between us with no secrets. 

My family is falling apart and I feel so sadden because there is nothing I can do. My sister Johanne's father in law died a month ago from kidney cancer. My brother Sylvain's mother in law died of bladder cancer on July 24th. I feel so sorry for them as they loss loved ones from both side of their family and of course it brings mother demised every single time. My best friend Ingrid's boyfriend (Youssef) died on January 08th while visiting his homeland, Morocco from a car accident. My friend William that I was involved into his long term personal care died on March 04th at the age of 97 peacefully. He was calling my name. Unfortunately, I wasn't there. We have been friends for some 18 years. We met walking our dogs and he was such a special man. I know it all sound unbelievable and let me tell you I am done with funerals.

I posted awhile ago into Treatment and side Effects with my new regiment. Obviously no one here is on this combo. I am happy to tell you that just after 6 weeks, my viral load went from 55000 to undetectable, CD4 270 @ 12.6%. These meds are really working for me, but they are causing me grief. It's like I was getting mini seizures with vision loss and wanting to faint at times. It was very scary and it is being investigated. My doctor says that my body is letting go from being able to hear. He thinks that I am suffering from vertigo, balance, that is very common in deafened people, especially like my self becoming deaf much later in their life.

Let me tell you, stress can kill you for sure. I made my self sick and I really believe that you can die from a broken heart. I also had a nasty prostate infection that required me to be on Floxicin for 8 weeks. Well that screwed up my gut big time and I am now making some changes to get rid on irritable bowel syndrome. I had a colonoscopy and the best part of it was the morphine shots. I barely remember anything. Everything was fine. They discovered however a small aneurysm on one of the valves in my heart. It is not HIV related (that is what they are saying but who knows) and it is not pumping enough blood above my shoulders, hence the dizziness and so on.

I finally separated from my partner of 23 years. Well not really. I guess he got tired of Alain's bumpy rides. Actually the truth is that we failed being lovers and we spend a lot of time trying to be friends. He is not HIV which for us has been a problem. Also he gets so impatient with my loss of hearing and he is not interested in doing something about it. The only thing, is that we own our house and I currently live on the first floor apartment. It is comfortable and peaceful and so far we are both behaving and trying to make this work. We are not in a position to buy each others out, so we really have to try. It's funny how people are, the potential boyfriends ( I mean for him) are having problem understanding our relationship. I am not sure why they feel and see it as a threatening thing.

Needless to say that I have changed, not sure where I going but it does not matter. I have been reading a lot lately and the last book was called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Awakening to your Life's Purpose by him as well. I do not agree with everything in the books, but I found them helpful at this moment in my life.

This site is still wonderful and a good place to be.

The lurkers should come back ( we miss you )and joint this family and share it with us.

To the newbies, a big welcome and to the regulars, I hope you are well and having a good summer. I have been following.

Peter Staley, I like your new avatar.

Ann, Jan and Andy, you guys rock.

For all the Birthday folks that I missed, Happy belated Birthday and many Happy returns. Stay healthy and happy.

For all of you that loss a friend or loved one, please accept my sincere condolences and may you find comfort that they are no longer suffering and at peace.

Boy, it does feel good getting all out and I am dedicating this tread to Jeanne Mance, my mother, my friend. I love you and you always be in my heart.

Alain.   Oh and I celebrated 21 years of being HIV on July 13 and hoping for many more.




 

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[Peter Staley]

Welcome back, Alain.  Sheesh, you HAVE been through a lot.  You sound pretty good though, even after all you've been through.  Stay strong.

Peter

[AlanBama]

Hi Alain,

It's good to hear from you.   So sorry to hear of all you have been through, especially the loss of your Mother, and the end of your relationship.

Stay strong, my friend.  You're a survivor.

many hugs,

Alan
also 21 years !

[water duck]

Dear Alain, nice to hear !!

Let your beautiful smile chase away your miseries.

Sending you lots of good thoughts.

Wd

ps : don't forget to smile

[heartforyou]

Hi Alain,

Sorry to hear about all the misfortune that happened to you.
But mostly for the loss of your beloved mother. May she rest in a peaceful place now.

love

Hermie

[auspoz]

Hi Alain,

I'm so, so sorry to hear of all that you've been through, and about your mother's passing. They are beautiful photographs- Thank you for sharing them.

My thoughts are with you.

Auspoz.

[Alain]

  Thank you guys for your support and kind words.

Like I said, my life is changing and I feel good about it, It's almost like coming out of the closet again.

I feel comfort knowing that I am not alone.

With fondest thoughts,

Alain


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[Robert]

alain


what a pleasant read and a great way  to wake up this morning.  Sure there is a lot of pain in your writing (my condolences for William and your mother) but there is a thread of hope and optimism and love that pours out. 

thanks for sharing.

robert

[Iggy]

Alain,

I'm at a loss of all that you have experienced in the last couple of months. 

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother and your friend William.

Regarding your health, please take care of yourself as I agree with what you said about the stress and it's ability to kill a person.

Welcome back.

[bear60]

Hi
What Peter said....stay strong.

Joel aka Bear

[DanielMark]

Hi Alain,

Good to see you posting here again, even if I rarely do.

My deepest condolences to you on your losses and my good wishes for you on choosing to go forward!

(((HUGS)))

Daniel

[joemutt]

Hi Alain, so many things happened to you
yet you sound so strong and full of energy.
I am sorry about the loss of your mother
and the end of your relationship,
but I think you'l be ok, Hugs.

[Alain]

Robert, Iggy, Joel,Daniel and Joe,

Thank you for reaching out, it means a lot to me.

Take care, Alain