seeking disclosure advice

[alliance]

How about some advice? 

I was contacted by an old flame the other day.  We had something extremely intense several  years ago. We met while travelling, we live several hours apart, and life circumstances caused us to drift apart.  I wasn’t positive then.  We haven’t talked for years, so I was surprised and excited when I got the call. We picked right up when we left off.  We left our last conversation hoping to meet face to face again soon.

I’m extremely anxious, strongly drawn back to this person, but scared what disclosure would do to any future we would have.  I hear a lot people say "you’ll know when the time for disclosure is right”.  I am thinking about giving this thing a shot, dropping hints in the hopes of  feeling  out and possibly changing any prejudice towards positive folks and eventually disclosing.  But I’m worried about any sense of betrayal or deceit the other person might feel – not to mention fear. I feel like there’s a lot at risk here.

Part of me doesn't even want to risk the emotional and resource investment in this, and put myself through another loss. It took me a long time to get over this person after the first go around, everyone I met afterward was measured against this person as the standard.

I remember years ago, I was with someone, and when they casually disclosed early in the relationship I freaked out – and I’m sorry to say—bailed and even got tested.  On the other hand, I was with someone who disclosed when it was way too late – I don’t want to do that either, because that caused me even more grief. I'm really not sure how to handle this.

I’d appreciate any comments, judgments, suggestions and especially experiences you might have – to help me navigate through this stuff, give me some sense of direction, and maybe settle some of my anxieties and apprehension.  I really don’t have that much experience in disclosure, and I think I would be devastated if this person wrote me off only because of this virus.

[mecch]

If you already know him, then you should know his character a bit. Seems like you know his character a bit to already be imagining it could be something. Therefore, my suggestion is just disclose but not in some big dramatic way, rather by talking about it as an experience in your life since you met him.  If he can't deal, he can't deal, and you'll save yourself the heart ache of building up a possible relationship with a guy whose character you have misjudged.  If he can deal, you can move on quicker to the intimacy you might want to build with him. Maybe he'll reveal a stunning experience to you. You never know.

[Joe K]

Hey Alliance,

I think you already know the answer you seek, because in the end, truth will always be a cornerstone in any relationship. If you really want something special with this person, it includes their acceptance that you are poz. From an emotional standpoint, I would rather know sooner, than later if my status was an issue. You can also not be sure, as he may be poz as well. It still comes down to what you want. If you want this man, then you owe him the decency of telling him the truth. If you see him as partner material, that means as an equal, then like I said, what other choice do you really have.

Something tells me he may have come back into your life for a reason and anything really worth having, always comes with a fair amount of risk. Yet, it all comes back to what do you want? If you want him, be honest and go from there. Also remember, there are plenty of men, both poz and neg, who have little issue with your being poz. I have had negative partners and while there are challenges, it all comes down to how hard you are willing to work, at those things that will make you happy.

[pozniceguy]

Hi ,  you have hit the key , ever lasting issue here...... you already know the answer but need some reassurance that it is the right thing to do.....  as Joe( Kilfoile) said  if you want to be close to this guy  you  must tell him   just how?
you obviously can talk with him  ask a simple question about what he has been up to since you last saw him   work through any possible other  BFs he may have  had , dont need  dirty details  just  casual  " meet any interesting guys  ??"  sort of discussion   any of them poz guys?    slip in the comment....  "  you never know  some wont tell others dont know"  .....  you may have been with a few and just dont know  .... you have a prob with poz guys???

as discussion progresses  the atmosphere for your announcement will become more apparent and just let it come out  in a simple way " i caught the bug a few yrs ago"  been dong well and undetecable ..... ....  by now he will either freak or jump into support mode...he may also have the bug   in any case you will have a better idea of what to do ...Good luck  I hope he is the man of your dreams and just accepts you as you are...great fun guy...  who happens to have the "butt flu"   

Nick
.

[Hellraiser]

Your status isn't going to change.  Might as well tell him upfront and see how it goes.

As a sidenote I'm pretty certain we had an agreement that if I was still single by the time I was 30 then we would fly to Massachusetts and have a ceremony.  Are you trying to destroy the plan?

[leatherman]

I always go with honesty as the best policy.
Plus putting off a tough issue doesn't make it go away

Part of me doesn't even want to risk the emotional and resource investment in this, and put myself through another loss.

well, disclosure could solve this issue for you, right? If he's troubled by your status then you won't get the chance to risk any more emotions on this issue

[peteb]

Hey Buddy
if it was meant to be it will be
i would tell him and if he cant take it then you dont need him I wish u all the luck keep me posted
Pete

[Ann]

Just last night I tried to use the disclosure thing to discourage an unwanted would-be suitor. It didn't work. He kept buying me drink after drink after drink. It was awful.

I live in a very conservative country. Up until 1990, homosexuality was totally outlawed.

I can't help but think a lot of it has to do with my own attitude towards hiv. I'm ok with it and the people I disclose to are ok with it.  To the point of where it doesn't act as a deterrent.

What's a girl to do?


For the curious, I drank the drinks but intentionally went home alone. I've got Foxtrot Charlie to think about, after all.

To the OP, let it all hang out and let the chips fall where they may. You're poz, so what. There are worse things in this world.

[tednlou2]

Just last night I tried to use the disclosure thing to discourage an unwanted would-be suitor. It didn't work. He kept buying me drink after drink after drink. It was awful.

I live in a very conservative country. Up until 1990, homosexuality was totally outlawed.

I can't help but think a lot of it has to do with my own attitude towards hiv. I'm ok with it and the people I disclose to are ok with it.  To the point of where it doesn't act as a deterrent.

What's a girl to do?


For the curious, I drank the drinks but intentionally went home alone. I've got Foxtrot Charlie to think about, after all.

To the OP, let it all hang out and let the chips fall where they may. You're poz, so what. There are worse things in this world.

Do you live in Ireland?  I know divorce was not made available until '95 or something like that.  And the same with abortion, right?

[leese43]

He kept buying me drink after drink after drink. It was awful.

What's a girl to do?

Get drunk I guess.

[Ann]

Do you live in Ireland?  I know divorce was not made available until '95 or something like that.  And the same with abortion, right?

I live on a Rock in the middle of the Irish Sea known as the Isle of Man. It's a country, but we're tied to the UK in all sorts of weird and wonderful ways. As far as I know, divorce has been available here just like in the UK (you must be thinking of Ireland proper, not Northern Ireland) and while I don't think abortion is illegal here, you do have to travel to the UK mainland to get one. I think. Never been in that position since I've lived here. That's just what I've heard.

Get drunk I guess.

I guess I did!