Going to doctor with HIV+ partner

[mlykee]

I met an incredible guy about 5 months ago. He was very honest and told me on our first date he was HIV+ (I am HIV-). Since then we have been dating and have fallen in love. He is very forthcoming about his numbers when he has gone to the doctor and I appreciate that very much, yet despite how much research I have tried to do, I still feel like there is so much I don't know. I realize many couples go to the doctor together and I think I would like to go with him, just so I can feel like I understand more about HIV and what all the numbers mean. How do I go about asking him if that is okay without making him feel like I am invading his privacy? Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

[physicsguy]

"Do you mind if I come along?"

I would not be offended or upset if someone I cared about asked to come with me.

[mecch]

I dunno what you can expect to learn in such a short time.  Most ID docs see several patients in an hour, for the routine visits. They have a protocol to run through and your friend and his doc have to communicate as succinctly as possible in this short time.  I guess it would be moral support or to show solidarity, or to see the routine of it all.  The doc has already explained the general meaning of the "numbers" to your friend. I doubt it would be appropriate for you to be asking questions to the doctor about what you don't understand.  If I'm wrong, well bravo, a doc with some time on his/her hands is rare.

You can ask and see what your friend says.  You can also make a list of what you don't understand and see if you can get answers from him, or here, or on the net, or talking to people.

If you went I think you should count on being present, and observing, but only participatory if your friend or the ID calls upon you to be.

If there is something we don't know, for instance if your friend has complications and will rely on you for health care of some sort, then my scenario would not apply.

[markaj]

Just ask!   

My ex (HIV-) partner used to come with me to my appointments.  Although my ID doctor has a tiny room and I barely get 10 minutes with him as it is so my ex used to wait outside.  It was nice to just have the support. 

[confidentIwillbeOK]

mlykee, perhaps you can also get additional information from a local HIV/AIDS support group?  They may be able to give you just as much information that would be more meaningful to you as your boyfriend's doctor would.  When was the last time you had an HIV test? Some testing centers (Like Fenway Health in Boston) have counselors you talk to in advance and when you get the results so just bouncing questions off of them could be useful.  If I were the BF I would not be offended at all if you asked but I would be ecstatic that you wanted to become educated and learn about HIV.  There are also HIV/AIDS hotlines you could call if you wanted to be anonymous.  As he has been so forthcoming I don't think you have to be worry about him being offended by asking....

Good luck! 

[komnaes]

mlykee, perhaps you can also get additional information from a local HIV/AIDS support group? 

Great idea.. except in some cases support groups are very sensitive about bringing in HIV- folks (neggies?) even when they're partners/lovers/husbands-and-wives. Come to think of it it would be good to organize one of our future meetings as a "Bring your partner gathering" (well, though, it'd be sad if none of us can bring any).

You really do need to think it through what do you actually want - to get more educated about the virus/disease or to give him moral supports; and in my experiences even when a new date/partner is more forthcoming, there may come a point that he feels that you're being too "pushy". If he's OK with it I think going to a doctor appointment can give you more of a perspective of the anxiety that it may cause - the waiting, the getting to know his numbers, etc - than the "science" of this virus and treatments.

He sounds like a catch and you're too.. best of luck to you guys.

Hugs, Shaun

[confidentIwillbeOK]

Great idea.. except in some cases support groups are very sensitive about bringing in HIV- folks (neggies?) even when they're partners/lovers/husbands-and-wives.

...I was thinking more of talking to someone at an HIV/AIDS service organization rather than attending a meeting....totally agree with your point.  I have actually gone to one meeting already and it was a little weird even having other people there that are poz. 

[Miss Philicia]

Most real life support groups don't support bringing HIV-negative partners to the group.  I've seen this subject come up from time to time in groups, and it disturbs most other members as to the dynamics of the meeting so it never occurs.

[paquitocancun]

Going back to the original question, be upfront. Tell him you would like to go with him, and that you completely understand if he does not want you there.

My partner just got diagnosed, and I went with him to a couple of consultations, while he went alone to another couple. Actually, I have gone on a consultation on his behalf since he was at work and had some questions about treatment and asked me to go in his place... so I went.

Hasta la vista,

Paco