Are you happy generally speaking

[John2038]

Hi,

I'm aware about my status since 2 months now.
First devastated, then anxious, and now, I forget.

Since a week, I'm almost not even think being poz.
As a consequence, I feel happy as before.

I know that my count are not fantastic, that I will have to consider to be on med soon, and that any disease may happen any time.

But if I have it, it doesn't impact how I feel, cause I feel good. It has impact my mind, but I'm on my way to be cured on that aspect.

So now it's like "the day it would happen, it will happen. In between, its life as usual".
 
I'm posting this thoughts because I'm wondering.

Are everybody the same ? How are you in average living your disease ? Do you have almost a normal life, in average ?
Can you forget this disease for a while ? Are you enjoying your life, having someone to share it, love, friends, family ?

I ask, because I don't know how long this feeling that I can forget it can stay.
Isn't it that for most of you, the hiv is at first a bad news followed by normal life ?
Do you have also hops for a cure sooner or later, and if not, the transformation to a chronic disease ?
Don't you think that we can enjoy life and when the last mile will arrive, it will arrive, so better just enjoy till then ?

[Mouse]

It's definitely just routine for me now, when you're talking about day-to-day stuff. Occasionally during my normal day life some thing or another will make me think about it, but I have trouble even remembering what life was like before.

Of course there are times that I'm not feeling well, or I'm out to see my doctor, or I'm getting labs done or something, where I feel alternately annoyed or frustrated or upset, but they're just feelings that I think people have to deal with for a variety of things in life and this just happens to be one of mine. For the first couple years I was definitely depressed, especially because a lot of that time was spent telling the people that I had to tell, and it was very awkward and embarrassing and occasionally painful. It's only really this year that I've really felt that I've fallen into this routine with it. I'm also feeling a lot better physically this year than I had the past two years (on December 28th it'll be 3 years since I tested positive) so that probably contributes to it often. If I feel good, it's not really on my mind. I guess that's just how I sort it out.

[Dan J.]

For myself I would say yes, I am generally happy with my life. I have been living with HIV for 21 years. I can't say that I "forget about being +" taking those 7 pills 2x a day how can I? I refuse to give HIV any more power over my life than I have to. Some people like to focus on what HIV took away from them. It took my career, & i had to move back home with my parents. I used to have a lot of shame associated with that. I worked through those feelings and now I am glad that my family is here to help me. They may not fully understand what I go through, but at least I know they love me for who I am. I have my husband Hermie, whom I met through this forum . Eventhough we live 4600 miles apart we see one another on MSN everyday. Hopefully after I get through this latest health crisis I will be able to go to Belgium to be with him for at least 3 months. I have made several close friendships through this forum & with out the love and support that I recieve here I doubt I would be here now.

Things could always be better, but my life isn't that bad...


Dan

[thunter34]

Are everybody the same ? How are you in average living your disease ? Do you have almost a normal life, in average ?
Can you forget this disease for a while ? Are you enjoying your life, having someone to share it, love, friends, family ?

I ask, because I don't know how long this feeling that I can forget it can stay.
Isn't it that for most of you, the hiv is at first a bad news followed by normal life ?

My life has never been "normal", with or without HIV.  Before AIDS, there was the whole "gay" thing.  Before that, there was this whole cerebral religion/existential questioning thing (which still persists, really...and always will because that's how my head operates), and throughout all this has been various degrees of BPMD.

And take away all that, and I am just an odd little duck to begin with.    I'm weird, goofy, corny, excessively trampy at heart and just altogether left of center in general.    I have no idea what a "normal life" might be, but the things I've seen held up and heralded as examples of it have always been simplistic in a way that I can't seem to gear down to and wholly uninteresting.

I enjoy life most when I abandon ideas of normalcy.

Can you forget this disease for a while ?

 

Can I forget HIV / AIDS?  No.  And I don't want to either.  There are too many good reasons not to forget about it.

It's on my mind every day, but in a better way now than it was before if I tell the truth.

Before, it was this shadowy spectre that loomed and loomed but without any real perspective or focus.

I see it a whole bunch clearer now, and I'm way grateful for that personally.

Do you have also hops for a cure sooner or later, and if not, the transformation to a chronic disease ?

I have hopes for a cure, sure.  I have hopes for a great many things in this world, and many of them just as ghastly as AIDS.

I would dare say the way in which AIDS is responded to is indicative of a sicker situation than the one presented by the virus itself.

And I'm holding out hope for a cure to that sort of thing also, though I suspect it's a chronic condition for the long haul.

Don't you think that we can enjoy life and when the last mile will arrive, it will arrive, so better just enjoy till then ?

Yes.  But then we always could, and we always should.

[pozattitude]

I'm pretty happy except when I am at work, but that's because I HATE my corporate job.
I'm sure I'll be a lot happier once I get a job working for a non for profit organization...until then...I'll just be unhappy from 7am-4pm M-F 

as far as the HIV goes...no it does not make me unhappy to be positive, not that it makes me happy either, but it is not something that makes me depressed anymore.  I guess you could say I chose to make HIV/AIDS my "lifestyle" because I no longer want to forget about it, I rather use my feelings about HIV/AIDS to push me to strive to make a difference in the lives of those who are less fortunate than me, I chose to be an activist and fight the prejudice and ignorance people still have about HIV/AIDS.  This fight gives me a purpose in life and I would not give it up for anything in this world.

Rich

[woodshere]

My life has never been "normal", with or without HIV.  

So true.

Life has pretty much returned to what "normal" was for me before testing poz.  HIV is as much a part of my life as most anything else is.  When I am working 42 straight hours preparing for a wedding don't think about it much.  When I am watching Amazing Race and Regan appears in an HIV awareness PSA, it is very much on my mind.  As far as the daily meds, I was taking meds on a daily basis for other things prior to adding my HIV meds, so I just pop 'em in and go.

[bear60]

I am so glad I lived through the 1970's.

Peter Townsend, in a Rolling Stone article he wrote on Meher Baba: "After about six months of Baba following, Baba was still alive then, I met a guy in San Francisco who had met Baba in India called Rick Chapman. Rick lives in Berkeley and runs Meher Baba Information from Box 1101 at the Post Office there. He is the man responsible for the glut of DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY cards that you must have seen if you live in San Francisco."

Read the whole thing:
http://www.thewho.net/articles/townshen/rs_1970.htm

[DanielMark]

So now it's like "the day it would happen, it will happen. In between, its life as usual".

John,

If after only two months you have already reached this point, then I would say you are doing very well! It's not denial, because you are obviously aware of what the future will probably hold – you’re just not dwelling on it.

That’s basically the same mind set I have, although it took me much longer (years longer) to get there. Apart from minor aggravations, I am basically content with my life situation most of the time. I have survived 19 years with HIV/AIDS and a couple of OIs so far, and I figure any day I wake up alive is bonus time. With the life I’ve lived I should have been dead many times over by now.

Anyhow, hold on to that attitude/perspective. It will help you in the long run.

Daniel

[DCGUY2007]

I was watching a show the other day on CNN "Happiness and Your Health". I didn't get to watch the entire show but it was very interesting. It seems there are some theories that there may be some gentic basis for  people being able to remain happy despite challenges in life. I know people like this.

I can't say I am one of them. But I am working at it. Good for you though! Seems like you are doing well 

[tendai]

generally speaking. well i wouldnt say im desperately un-happy but i have managed to keep my life as normal as possible. since im not yet on meds i just have had to worry about the nutrition aspect of things, difficult as it is here with our situation right now. plus the fact that i cant look at a man with lust in my eyes coz the next minute i'll be writing him off coz i have the bug and i dont want to go thru the whole dislosure business. thats is a bummer for sure.

[BT65]

I agree with Tim.  My life was never normal before HIV entered into it.  I always lived life in the fast lane, with the whole addiction thing. 

I've been positive for 18 years now.  The few OI's I've had were extremely hard to get through.  And with World AIDS day upon us, well, I got a little teary this morning remembering how many close friends I've lost whle reading an article about the upcoming events around the U.S. for the day.  But I don't get as severely depressed as I used to.  I'm on disability and have been for the past 13 years, when I got on it because of having the wasting syndrome and not being expected to live.  The not being expected to live thing has happened to me time and again and well, I'm still here.  My oldest sister says it's because there's some kind of master "plan" for me, but I don't know that I totally buy that.  I suppose my purpose is whatever I make it to be. 

Anyway, it sounds like you're dealing with it well.  Just hang in there. 

[Iggy]

I disagree with any sort of measurement of my life based on being generally happy or not.  I think it's too artificial a marker and too misguided in modern day definitions of what "happy" means.

I am content with who I am and appreciative to have the abilities to live this life and enjoy what I can.  That is plenty for me.

[David_CA]

I'm with those who wonder if their life was ever 'normal'.  Being gay, I always felt a bit out of step, in some ways, with others.  It wasn't a bad feeling, but just a feeling.  It didn't bother me and I didn't stress about it.  When I was much younger, I thought it was kind of cool, in a way, to have those interests in other guys. 

It's always been a good life.  I've always had fun.  I've always felt secure.  I've been blessed to not have had to worry about having basic needs met.  I've always been happy, too.  Of course, not every single moment (such as the few hours after I found out I was HIV+), but in general, yes.

In my opinion, happiness is the ultimate measure of one's life.  Without happiness, I don't think I'd enjoy much of life in general.  Why would I try to accomplish anything, other than to survive?  Why would I care for and about those around me - my husband, family, and friends?  I also think it'd be difficult for a person who's not happy, or has ever experienced happiness, to understand.

There's depression and clinical depression.  Perhaps there's happiness (of the moment) and clinical happiness.  If that's the case, then I have clinical happiness and HIV (and all the other crap in my past and present life) hasn't changed that.  HIV has certainly not added a lot of good to my life, but it has caused me to see a lot of positives that I wouldn't have otherwise.  I was discussing this exact topic with my mom last night.  She mentioned that it had been about a year since I was in the hospital.  Actually, it was exactly a year that she learned that I was HIV+ while I was in the hospital.  The only time that I was seriously depressed was before I disclosed to my family.  Once that hurdle was overcome, I was back to normal emotionally.  We all deal with a certain amount of crap in our lives.  Some certainly deal with a lot more than others.  It's how we deal with that crap that determines, to me, if we'll be happy. 

David

[John2038]

Hi,

I was hopping more positive feedbacks, but at least there are some.

I do not want to look pretentious, but I just want to says why I believe I can survive to this extremely bad news.

1) My condition

bad:   Risks of TB, lymphoma (investigation on-going -x-ray & pet scan)
so-so: 361 < CD4 <543, 1732 < VL < 5000 (18%)
good: good shape

So its not brilliant, but there are worst conditions (unfortunately).

2) How do I react

What are my possible scenarios ?
 
bad:   to have an OI and potentially die quickly (OI)
so-so: to be on meds soon
good: to stay in good shape for a while (out of med), eventually to become a LTNP

How to deal with the worst case ?

Dying soon is definitely a bad news.

But what means dying ?
I'm considering these 2 options:

a) After we die, nothing happen. We just not exists.
b) God exists, and the Heaven as well

Well, nothing to really worry about isn't it?
Of course, lot of regrets about life, friends, family, love, etc..

Now, we all gonna die, poz or neg.
POZ might die from an OI, but NEG as well ! We will all die from something ANYWAY.

Nowadays, the main causes of death are:
Accidents (31%), Cancer (25%), Heart (18%), Suicide (15%), AIDS (10%)
Source

So what's the real problem of being poz ?

1) Agony, pain, complications ?
Nowadays, medicine allows to keep hops in most cases.
If no here are associations such as Dignitas

2) Stress ?
Its mainly in the mind.

3) Love
POZ can still found love. We are 40 millions (unfortunately).

4) Friends, family ?
No need to disclose our status.
If need to, friends and family will accept. Otherwise, yes, its a problem.
But poz can also have new friends, new love, create a family.

Well, the list can continue, but for me, I have summarize my problem as follow:

1) As long as I feel good, I don't need to worry. Because as long as I feel good, I can do whatever I want, like before.
There are some limitations or restrictions, but nothing insurmountable.

2) If my health go down, I will try first all possible treatments.
If all treatments fails, I will choose the euthanasia. Its a drink, followed by a sleep and ...
You might want to see the film called EXIT (also called "Le choix de Jean" available in French, with English and German subtitles)

3) In between, love is important. Friends as well.

4) God is the most important. For some, to believe in God is a way to accept in a positive way all. For some, God didn't exists. I believe it more difficult then.
Sorry to say that, I hops I won't offend anyone: but for those who don't know about God, just know that you can pray to ask Him to enter in your life (see the previous link).
Inspirational video:
- The interview with God
- You Tube

5) Acceptation: the death (not be afraid), the disease but also, the hops !

Ok, that's how I can summarize my thoughts. Nothing outstanding, but it make my life almost normal.
I wishes you the same, whatever could be the way you follow to get this normal life.
Because at the end of the day, you are still alive, and you don't want regret your life if you don't live it when you are alive.

Good Luck to all of you, God bless you.

[StrongGuy]

My personal feeling is that keeping yourself as healthy as possible psychologically is a major part of effectively dealing with this disease.

I definitely consider myself happy, but of course I have my days (most recently because of my bf who has been working my last nerve past few months. he he he...but he's too darn cute to stay mad at). I look back on darker days and bad times and am proud of how I have grown and learned and am thankful I finally stopped sitting back and trying to rationalize my melancholy - but confronted it with help from good people and snapped out of my own personal state of denial.

There will be always be ups and down, but the way I look at it I got a bad lot with HIV, but there's many reasons to be hopeful and many many things to be happy about!

Peace,
Mike

[Miss Philicia]

I was happy until about an hour ago when I learned an old friend of mine's now dating my favorite porn star that appeared in Arabian Fist.

seriously

[mudman8]

I think it's normal to question and ride a roller coaster emotionally after bad health news. All the what if and hear after thoughts. You have to do your own deciding on that.

I was always  upbeat in my youth. But when I had some serious concerns 12 years ago the Dr suggested psych meds as I was feeling low. Glad he did, they really helped tho have side effects. I've been on 3 (not all at once) over the past years, and I"ve had years between them, but depression seems to come back.

One health professional said fighting a major disease long term is really tough on your body in many ways.  I just got back on one 2 months ago and in 2 weeks I was back to my old engaging self (well I think so) after months of gloom. Way better.

[komnaes]

I was happy until about an hour ago when I learned an old friend of mine's now dating my favorite porn star that appeared in Arabian Fist.

seriously

Oh, let me guess.. Huessein? Tony Serrano? 

To make yourself happy again Philly perhaps you should now work on building your own gay porn empire and then refuse to sign up whoever that is you fancy. That will teach him!

Shaun

(who doesn't care if his best friends are dating his favorite porn stars as long as they 'share'...)

[heartforyou]

My life has never been "normal", with or without HIV

Hell yeah.
I hate normal life. Never had a clue of what that meant and never will.

I enjoy life most when I abandon ideas of normalcy

Now that rings a bell.

I have always chosen difficult relationships with emotionally rough partners.
Yet I  always walk the same route again.


Generally spoken I am not a  happy person for so many reasons.
I lost my business, my husband, all my savings and now I live alone and feel alone 99% of the time.
Can think of funnier things to make me happy.

I wake up and I breathe... and that is about it.

When I die I know I will be happy then. Cause when I go so will the little fuckers in me..............
peace at last

[John2038]

heartforyou


You have to prepare the field if you want to receive the rain.

There are a lot of reasons to be happy, no matter our status.
Some of us just haven't prepare their field, or just don't know/see how.

A lot of philosophy isn't, but its appropriate

People are here with you, its a good start don't you think ?

[Nico]

Happy having Aids no!! How about content since I am still here and living.  I don't dwell on my virus, it is part of me and will be.  I live a more difficult life and navigate feelings and challenges I did not expect.  So, I just accept it as part of my everyday life.  Enough said.

Rog 

[BirdBear718]

I usually read all the posts to the last, then post....but not this time.

Am I generally happy? 
I wish I could sincerely answer yes.  I trick myself into acting like I am.  Others looking in would think I am, but I am not.
I have a great deal of sadness and anger....which I am working on.
It is hard....especially on a day like today...a day of reflection, of memories, and a call to stand up. 
The memories are too hard for me right now.
Hopefully I willwork thought this part of me....soon. 
I try to find joyu in each day...and sometimes it is freakin hard.  But I do it...I find sommmmething to for which to be grateful.

Thank you for asking....

[komnaes]

Whenever I am asked "am I happy" I often find myself thinking back to two stories -

First story:

The first husband of my godmother ran the canteen for officers in a remote prison. It was on top of a hill and to go there one had to talk up a very steep road. So he and his staff had to push a trolley-load of fresh foods up the hill everyday to serve. As a kid I went there almost every weekend to help and play (it was in a very beautiful part of Hong Kong, with rock beaches and tiny pools of very clean water on a river). At the beginning he didn't have a car and he would always say to my godmother while pushing the trolley up the hill, "Hell, I would be one happy man if I could afford a car".

Then a few months later he won some money from horse racing and they bought a second hand car, but then he never used it to transport foods. When asked after my godmother got very annoyed about it, he replied, "No way. It will make my car dirty." She got even more angry and asked what then was the point of buying a car. "You kidding? I just wanted one. Who said it had anything to do with getting the foods up this bloody hill." For weeks he was happy driving it up and down the hill, alone, during breaks, until his staff threatened to walk out he used it to carry foods.

Second story:

Some years ago one business partner of my ex introduced us to an old gay friend of his. He was in his early 70s and living in San Francisco. A rather posh gentleman from the UK he could afford living mostly alone though he couldn't walk anymore after a stroke. He had a helper that went to his apartment daily to clean up, cook and wheel him out a bit. One time I was there visiting and the four of us - my ex, his business partner and this gentleman went out for dinner and somehow we started discussing about being happy.

I believe I started talking about not having a lot of happy elderly gay men as role models. He then said something like, "You know, the whole point of being happy is to remind us that life is one sad, sad ordeal."

I am not good at analyzing myself.. so I guess I can only tell stories...

Shaun

[Dragonette]

I loved your stories Shaun

Happiness (and orgasm) is a deactivation of different neuron clusters generating anxiety, stress atc. I read that somewhere, though I must be confusing the jargon. So not a feeling, but a lack of nasty hurtful feelings...