Scared to death

[atlas]

Hello to everybody,
I've read a lot of posts and your help to many people is really invaluable.

Before I start saying my story I must point out that I suffer from a diagnosed OCD about getting infected by hiv. Been suffering from it for many years and I have been treated by a psychiatrist about it and depression by taking Seroxat (I live in a European country). At the time being, I decided to go on psychotherapy instead of taking antidepressants which cause me very unpleasant side effects.

A couple of days ago I had a sexual encounter with a guy I know for years but rarely been in contact with (i'm a guy too by the way).

He performed unprotected oral sex on me and at the same time I inserted my middle finger in his anus. Since I'm on edge throughout the whole time due to my OCD condition, I didn't insert my finger all the way in (didn't reach the rectum) and the area felt dry. Since I am a very anxious person sometimes I bite the skin around my nails. After we finished I inspected this very finger and didn't see any obvious skin opening or any sign of blood (his). I also read on the internet that rectal secretions contain the virus at same levels as vaginal fluids and can be infectious and thats the point I start freaking out...
From that point on I check this finger nail again and again over and over looking for a little skin crack that (in my mind) could be an infection entry.

Also at some point I felt stinging on the thumb at the side of the nail of this hand (very small break of the skin) probably because of the excessive sweating from both of us but I can't help the crazy ideas I get that it could have been precum from him transfered there by his hand. I know it sounds a bit crazy but thats how OCD is like.

Also this person told me once that he likes to swallow his own semen after masturbating. Now the idea that he might have done so while I was taking a shower is haunting my mind (didn't actually see him doing it though) because at some point later while we were smoking and drinking coffee, he kissed me briefly.
After that I went to the kitchen pretending I need some water and washed my mouth a couple of times.

I'm freaking out and I can't stop this haunting thoughts circling my mind over and over.
Is it possible that I could be infected with HIV? Should I get tested in proper time?

Thank you.

[Andy Velez]

Absolutely none of what you have reported of your sexual activities would have put you at risk for HIV transmission.

Receiving oral is one of the most common of sexual activities. In the entire history of the epidemic not a single guy has ever been confirmed to have been infected in that manner. You are not going to make history by becoming the first.

As for your having inserted your finger into his anus and yes I read about your nailbiting etc., again no risk.

Actually the ONLY confirmed risks for the sexual transmission of HIV are unprotected vaginal and anal intercourse. Period. As long as condoms are consistently used for those activities you will be well protected.

You are worrying needlessly and there is no need for HIV testing.

[atlas]

Thank you so much Andy for your kind reply and help.

And I guess same thing stands for the last thing I mentioned on my first post right? In case he did it...
I'm not worried about him performing oral on me (surprisingly) but mostly for the rest I mentioned.

My OCD is my curse in this life I know it. I recently broke up from a steady 2 year relationship and I guess this is the way my grief finds its way out since I'm a closed person, always been like that.
I guess its my own way of somehow punishing myself finding contiously or subcontiuously, ways to suffer and make real only in my mind thankfuly. Most of the times I can make reason of these fears and calm myself down but its only temporarily and then I again fall in the same circle of thougts that lead to internal suffering. The funny thing is that I am a scientist myself, nevertheless I'm absolutely unable to reason about it, somehow the emotion is so strong that completely overshadows logic.

The internet isn't really the best place to seek information about it unless you read from a specific site like this one. Many of them overanalize theoretical ways of transmission (and don't stick to the real life facts) practicaly making you believe that if you had sex you could have gotten hiv by osmosis.

Prescription drugs only aleviate the "pain" as long as you take them but they can't really solve the problem (that is probably some kind of guilt for being the way I am) and you can't keep taking them your whole life because the side effects they cause are sometimes unbearable. Been on that road twice and I know. Thats why this time I'm seeing a phsychologist instead of a psychiatrist, hope this helps on the long run because this curse is preventing me to go on with my life. Not even once I can do something sexual without obsessing terribly about something that might have happened afterwards. I guess for some time I'd rather abtain from sexual activities because i'm so emotionally unstable right now that protected sex may not hurt my body (I never, ever had unprotected sex except within monogamous relationships and after testing) but it certainly hurts by sanity.

I'm so tired of suffering over nothing, I feel exausted and specially in the morning I'm at my worst.

Thank you Andy.

[jkinatl2]

It is sad that you are suffering over nothing. I am not sure what we can really offer you except for the science.

NOTHING in your exposure was in ANY WAY a risk for HIV.

That's all there really is to say about it.

Your guilt for "being the way I am" and your suffering are not caused by any pathogen, unless you count society as a pathogen (which in many ways I suppose you could).

OCD, if you indeed have been diagnosed with that, is a tough thing to treat. It requires intensive therapy and often medication. I urge you to find a qualified therapist to help you through this darkness. Because when you are finally out from under this illogical HIV scare (through testing, getting times out/banned from these forums, or both) there will be ANOTHER thing waiting in the wings to torture you.

You shouldn't have to live like that. You don't.

PLEASE get the help you need to be cool with who you are. No one should spend their lives suffering like this.

And in case I needed to reiterate, you had NO RISK AT ALL for HIV. Wear a condom for anal and vaginal sex and you will never need to worry about HIV. Your brain hears that, I know it does. But I suspect your logic is losing a larger battle right now, one that, sadly, we are incapable of helping you fight.

[atlas]

You are absolutely right. If you read my first post, I wrote I've already started treatment for my OCD, this time I'm seeing a psychologist since twice in the past I've taken antidepressants but they don't work on the long run, just while you're taking them and even during that period you're not yourself, you're like an emotionless robot. Drugs only mask the symptoms, not the cause. Thats why psychotherapy is needed and I know its not going to be a quick fix. I understand my problem completely and know what to do to be helped about it but I'm a long way from the finish line right now.
I never expected phychiatric advice, I know what this forum is for and about. I just explained my case.
The science of it is enough for me and I thank you.

[jkinatl2]

While it's true that drugs don't solve the problem, they can even you out emotionally while you are in that process.

OCD drugs are not always antidepressants, of course.

Obviously you know that. So perhaps between the science and your own admission of deeper issues, this site has run it's course for you.

I wish you the best.

[atlas]

Indeed it has.
Thank you all and I wish you the best too.

[atlas]

Hello,

I was deep kissing with a guy and while doing that my inner lip surface got injured by his front teeth. I immediately stopped kissing and in the bathroom I saw that it was bleeding a bit. It stopped bleeding relatively fast. After some time after the bleeding stopped we kissed some more but not so intensively because I was kind of avoiding it because of what happened.

He had a canker in his mouth right on his tonsil, it wasn't bleeding or anything (he showed it to me before we begun kissing). It was a white coated round patch. I never tasted blood throughout the whole kissing session except when my inner lip got injured.
I know that saliva on its own cannot cause an infection but Im afraid because of his canker sore.

Do I have a risk? Do I need to get tested?
Thank you for reading this.

[RapidRod]

Please do not start a new thread every time you have another question or thought - regardless if you think your questions are related to each other or not. It helps us to help you when you keep all your thoughts or questions in one thread and it helps other readers to follow the discussion. Additional threads will be merged.

If you cannot find your thread, click on the "Show own posts" link in the left-hand column of any forum page, under your name.

[atlas]

I'm really sorry, how can I fix it now? Should I post it to my previous thread and then you delete this one?

[Andy Velez]

I've merged your threads into one. In the future please follow our rule and keep anything you may want to say in this same thread.

As for your latest concern, there was absolutely no risk. In terms of the sexual risk for HIV transmission it's really very simple. The only confirmed risks are unprotected vaginal and anal intercourse. As long as you consistently use condoms for those activities everytime you will be well protected.

There's no need for further concern this time nor any need for testing.

[atlas]

Thank you Andy so much.
I'm really really sorry for my mistake, forgive me

[Andy Velez]

You're welcome. Just get on with your life and be sure to use condoms everytime for intercourse. That's the  way you can stay HIV negative.