Trying to understand how bf's hiv status affects his ability to be intimate

[neglovespoz]

I am neg my bf is poz.  We dont have much of a sexual relationship because of his inability to get over the mental hangups of being poz.  This is difficult for me as i am very attracted to him and want to have a fullfilling physical relationship with him. I love him very much and project his unwillingness to engage in intimacy as a lack of interest in me. I do my best to reassure him that his status does not effect how I feel about him, I dont know the best way to procede in our relationship.  He assures me that he loves me and that it is his hiv status that causes him to not be very sexual.  Can anyone give me some advice on how to help him through this mental block?  I love him very much and am willing to do whatever it takes to help him live his life to the fullest.   

[drewm]

I am going to weigh in on this. I am not sure what time frame you are dealing with but his reaction, not wanting to have sex, was like mine. I did not have sex for several months after being dxd. It's hard to explain but there are a lot of mental issues that accompany being dxd. You don't say whether he is getting counseling, that could help.

[WillyWump]

Like Drewm when I was first diagnosed I didn't have sex for many many months. I can't really explain the reasons for this. Maybe it had to do with the irrational fear of infecting someone else. Perhaps this is what is going on with him. I can tell you that as I learned more about HIV, and the fact that a person can still have jsut as good a sex life as before, my fears subsided.

You can help this process by learning and talking to him about transmission risks, and suggesting that he learn about them also. I think once he realizes that there are ways to have a fantastic sex life and still protect a partner things will return to normal.

-Will

[Teresa]

I'm HIV- and hubby is HIV+. Like the others said I think his reaction is pretty normal. It took hubby a long long time before our sex life was almost back to normal. He was so afraid of me becoming positive. You can bet that your boyfriend loves you very much...he is so scared that you will become HIV positive. Like Will said when he learns more about HIV and the risks involved it will get better. Just try to be patient.

Big Hugs
Teresa

[anniebc]

Hi there

Just wanted to agree and add to what he others have said, certain medications can reduce his libido, these include anti-depressants, blood pressure meds and HIV drugs,

If your man is in favour of it talk to your doctor and see if you can find out if his sex drive has dropped because of his meds.

Jan

[denb45]

When I 1st met my other-half back in the FALL of 95 I was like this, and I just lost 2 others due to AIDS, even tho I dxd in 87 as he is NEG, but, with his help, and a lot of love & support I out over this rather quickly

 counseling is good, you can even go with your partner for the support factor, give him some time, you didn't say how long  he's been like this? I wish you well, as I'm sure the both of you can & will have a fulfilling sex-life together, and all of the happiness that comes with it too  

 I agree w/ Ann, and everyone else, you might want to check out what drugs he's on w/ his doctor, those can cause sexual problems as well  

[andrewbrobinson]

I'm poz and my ex is neg and we had the same problem.  She had expressed fear, terror really, when she was sick that she became infected although we always practiced safe sex.  I can't express the effect that had on me.  I was not recently diagnosed nor were meds a factor.  It was purely a psychological wall that her fear and my reaction to it had erected.  We never got over it (and other issues.)  In retrospect, if we really wanted to break through that issue, we needed professional help.  It was a really huge issue.

Although similar, I can't project my experience onto yours but hope this helps.

Andrew

[neglovespoz]

Thanks for all of your replies.  I feel that the problems we are having go much deeper than just the hiv status.  He has be dxd for a year and a half and on his meds for 14 months.  He also was a hiv counselor at the local detention and education facilities.  In the first two weeks of our relationship we had sex every morning.  After that it just stopped, it was mostly safe but put me a minimal risk.  I have no fear at all of being with him, and practice mostly safe sex with him when we do have it.  I try to reassure him on a regular basis how much I love him and will be with him no matter what happens.  His viral load is undetectable but the numbers rose slightly on his last visit in march.  I did notice an affect in his behavior after that visit, and on the same visit i was tested and again tested negative.  He assures me that he is not going anywhere and that his status is the problem.  We havent been together all that long, but have had an amazing connection from day one.  I have questioned him about counselling and he is not very open to the subject.  I talk with him very often about our situation and he seems to be tireing of it..  What should my next step be?  Am I not being sensitive enough to his needs, or am I just not getting the whole impact on his psychie by his hiv status..  Looking for any advice that is available.  Again thanks for all your replies

[Theyer]

Hello

One scenario could be different levels off sex drive , I realise this is your post , Listen to his words , this problem has been around for couples way before HIV , its differcult but no way imposable to work through and life with. Good luck.
t

[mecch]

On meds 14 months and can't relight his mojo?  And you want some action.  And it seems from afar you are being very sensitive and patient.  And he doesn't want counseling about this.  Well, I would say he's not putting in enough good will and effort.  Do you want a relationship without sex?  If not, how long are you willing to wait for his mojo to reappear if he's doesn't want to deal with this actively?   You need to decide this on your own, I think.  Let's say, you are willing to give it 6 more months to see if he actively tries to meet your needs.  So keep that figure to yourself.  But over the 6 months, encourage him with an open heart and patience to make movement to meeting your needs.  If there's no movement, you've given it the college try and its time for you to quit that relationship and find someone who will move forward with you.