Lost & Confuse

[Tryin2bhappy]

 I've been positive for 6 years and started to take my medication 2 years ago. I'm having a problem dealing with this situation. I thought that I should have accepted it  but I realize that I haven't. I haven't forgave my self. I don't go out as much. I mostly keep to my self isolated from people because I don't want them to find out and its how I feel about myself. I also feel like I'm an embarrassment to my family and friends. I have an ex that knows about my status he's the only guy I told. He decided to stay with me after I told him. Our relationship wasn't a healthy one but I said he has to love me if he still decides to stay with me after I told him I'm HIV positive. I wasn't happy in the relationship and wanted out but was scared that I won't find someone to love me and also scared that he would put my business out on the street. Well it happen that he had to go away and I took the opportunity to get out of the relationship. I haven't seen him for 8 month but we were talking off and on the phone and I did told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore. After the 8 months he just pop back up and now he's in my house. I want him out but I'm so scared that he will go and tell my co workers and other people about my status. He did already told one guy that I got AIDS and he needs to leave me alone. When I found out that he did that I was upset. I'm upset and feel trapped in my own house . My ex did took my meds one day that I had to call the cops to get my meds back. But for some reason I keep helping him out. He's staying with me because he don't have no where else to go and always use that as a threat to tell people about my status.  I want so bad to put him out but I'm afraid of what he's going to do. I already don't have any friends  in the area where I live. So theres no one that I can go and talk to . I've been looking for support groups in the area and can't find any. I swear I'm losing my mind and not happy because I have someone in my house that I don't want, can't find any support group to talk to and share my feelings with. No one or no where to go. I've been looking for books to read. Do anyone knows about a good book to read of how to cope with HIV. I just need someone to talk to. I do have friends who loves me and that I can talk to but they don't know what' I'm dealing with . 

[mommby]

I dont know if this is bad advice or not, so take it as you will. I too was in a horrible relationship with a man who wouldnt leave me alone. He would tell me that he didnt want to be with me but noone else could either. I'm pretty sure he's the one who gave this to me 7 years ago. So anyway, you set it up. I mean alot of your friends and co-workers have got to know you dont want to be with this guy. Make him out to look crazy. Like whatever he says holds no water cause he's just trying to hurt you. You have to make him leave. Whether it be assisted or you move without him. However you choose to do it. Take it from me who has two kids and a wonderfull family with the man who accepted me mess and all. There are people out there that are not so ignorant and see you for who you are not some sickness you have. I dont know where I would be now if I had stayed wrapped up in that bad relationship from years ago but I know I like where I am now alot.
And if you find any living with HIV for the average, not gay, family type woman... let me know. I'm 7 years in and counting. I have a blog on livejournal and am trying to start a community there for positive women. 

[Snowangel]

Hi Tryin2-
I have been poz since 94, diagnosed in 97 and started meds then.  Since then, I told my mother in 98, one ex-boyfriend that has since passed(he was not poz) and a friend I worked with. That's it.  I haven't had much luck finding other positive women or support groups in my area either.  I wish I had found this site years ago, it has been a true blessing.  There a lot of wonderful women here that will help you to feel accepted. 
I agree with Mommby in letting your co-workers know that you are trying to break it off with this guy and you don't know what he will do.  So when the time comes and he does disclose your status, you can just play it off.  I was in the same kind of situation with the guy that infected me.  He used to threaten to tell my job and my mother and physically harm my mother if I tried to leave. He used to drop me off at work and take my car for 12 to 16 hours, all day, everyday, and have me waiting around at work to get picked up.  He charged thousands of dollars on my credit cards. He was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive, had no problem throwing me around like I was a rag doll, choking me until I almost passed out, whatever he felt like.
There is no easy way to get away or get him away.  If you are paying for everything, there is no reason for him to leave, he has it made right now.  Her is going to try to manipulate you in anyway that he can.
You are going to have to do a lot of planning to try to get away from him with what is important.  Forget about all the material stuff, you can buy it again. Get all your paperwork in order and hidden in a safe place.  Get a pre-paid cell phone and hide it. Change your bank. If you can change your hours at work, that would be good too. I don't know if you are in the states or not or if he has been violent at all.  You could get a restraining order but personally I don't think they do much but piss the person off totally. 
Me personally, I rented a car for him to go to the beach and I was gone when he got back.  It was only a couple of hours but I knew I would have enough time to get what I needed and get out safely.
If you can get away and in a environment where you feel comfortable, it will help you to learn to accept and feel better about yourself.

Good luck.  Let us know how you are doing.
Take care, Snow.

Hijack: Mommby- I couldn't find your blog.