Poz short time still confused cant decide what important lost hiding sad

[bimazek]

i was recently found out that i am poz, i was neg. two years ago, my numbers are tcells 450 to 555 and 24% and 25,000 to 75,000 vl, basically i am going in a mental circle between running going on a trip getting away, trying to start a business which will take alot of work, or getting a reg. job which i havent done, wrkd for someone else for years, i am at an hiv clinic, afraid to let any of my friends of famly know, even my pos friends i dont want them to know because i feel like i have failed somehow, and i stupidly let a guy in me wo condom and he gave me gonnerea and cauesd and infection, which put me out for a week, i have got to take better care of myself, sometimes i feel upset, angry, ragged how could i do this to myself, i am not on meds, i want to stay away for as long as possible, i have read alot but i still have fear worry and isolate, since i am not working yet
sorry i dont have better story, i want to have kids, i am in my late 40s and i want to have kids but i am gay, dont know any women, somehow having kids is more important now, but takes so much money and time and i have to find a poz women who wants to go thru it, so much in air,  yes i know there are support groups, but they can be tough cause some pepole are very sick, this is something i have been fearing and running from for decades, the worst fear, worst senario, i am exercising eating good, not drinking, 

[rick21007]

Hey there---first of all welcome to the fraternity.  It sucks getting the news but you know what-- it aint all bad.  I was diagnosed less than a month ago myself.  Your numbers look pretty good so you can be greatful for that.  Doesn't look like you'd be on meds with those stats.  Was just thinking how life has changed in a short time--last summer was more interested in the size of a guy's cock, now wanting to know his CD4 and VL, LOL.

The emotions you describe, all of them are pretty familiar.  Hits like a sunami at first then the roller-coaster ride, and then it settles down.   For one you need support.  That has made all the difference in the world for me.  Maybe when you give up on beating yourself up---which has very little in the way of positive benefit you will feel more like reaching out to a few people.  This board is a great place to start.  Awesome people here.  Just good to know none of us are alone.

One thing I went through besides the personal beat-up was assuming that all kinds of things were never going to happen that I had hoped for.  Like this is going to be it, no getting a life worth living in my future.  But that subsides too and I think talking to others on this board who have been around the block you will be pleasantly surprised by the possibilities that are still there.

I got a call from my doctors office today with my latest numbers and my CD4 had dipped---first response to get anxious, but then was able to get a grip on the reassuring information I have gotten here--ain't neccessarily no big deal.

Take care, What don't kill us makes us stronger and they are telling us now hiv isnt a death sentence, so guess we will just have to get stronger.

Rick

[Andy Velez]

Welcome, Bi,

I'm glad you have found your way to our site. Before you read any further, please take a good deep and slow breath in and let it out. Remember to do that regularly and it will help with the intensity of pressure and feelings you are experiencing these days.

OK. You've tested positive. You also have a lot going on in your life. Even though it maybe overwhelming right now, gradually things are going to fall into place. Really. As far as your health is concerned, which has to be your #1 priority, having a good doctor with whom you can have a working partnership to keep you healthy is paramount.

You don't have to rush to "solve" things. Give yourself time to get adjusted to having this new element in your life. Gradually you will learn everything you need to know to stay well. And you can always ask questions here and bring up anything you're concerned about.

Isolation is not a good place to be. Think seriously about getting counseling either individually or in a group through an AIDS service organization in your area. Even if some of the situations are "tough" as you mentioned, you can also draw on the knowledge and experience of others who can lend support. And just because someone there is very ill doesn't automatically mean  that is going to be your script too.

Just take things one at a time. Do what needs to be done to keep you going. Read the lesson on Disclosure issues if you haven't already done so. Take your time in deciding who and when you may want to have know about yoru status.

In the meantime you are always welcome here. Talking, whether in person or online, can really help. so keep us posted on how things are going.

Cheers,

[Boo Radley]

Hey bimazek,

No matter what your background is (e.g., working at an ASO) testing poz strikes us at a most fundamental level, one between life and death.  Your feelings and reactions are normal and we've almost all been there.  I remember feeling so "unclean" for so long.  Over time I came to accept myself as I am and realized there was nothing I could do to change the past.  Today and tomorrow are what count.

Your lab work is good.  Your T cell count is fine and your viral load is low enough that you don't have to rush into HAART, based on CDC treatment guidelines. You are taking good care of yourself physically and that is very important. 

As much as you dread disclosing to your friends and family I hope in time you'll be able to share this important aspect of your life.  My personal belief is disclosing makes it easier for me and now I practically grab strangers on the street to say "You wouldn't think someone as fat as I am has AIDS, would you?"  Those decisions are up to you, though.

After I tested poz I was greatly helped by seeing a psychiatric social worker at the N.O. AIDS Task Force, a free service which you're undoubtedly aware of.  If you are not comfortable at your clinic are there other possible low-or-no-cost options for seeing a therapist?  Seeing one is not essential for everyone but, especially now, while you are reluctant to tell anyone else it might be helpful to have an objective person listen and react to your thoughts, fears, hopes, etc. 

If you want to, use AIDSmeds to vent more because you're almost always sure to get some thoughtful responses from some of the many good folks using these forums. 

Keep us posted.  Best of luck.

Boo