POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Hellraiser on November 12, 2012, 08:51:11 am
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I was dating someone for the last couple of months. Will got to meet him when we vacationed to San Antonio together back in July, but that relationship has ended for me. I didn't think I would take it very hard but for 2 weeks now I have been depressed. A lot of the fears that I had about nobody loving me because of my HIV have reared their head again. Insecurities abound because I thought everything was going the right way and then out of nowhere it was over. Nagging in the back of my mind is always the question; "Is it the disease?". This was my first real solid relationship since diagnosis and as much as it hurts I've begun to wonder can I put myself through all of this again? I was happily minding my own business when this guy fell into my lap and pursued me to the ends of the Earth. Only begrudgingly did I begin to accept his amorous advances because I always hate disclosing my status, but I did, and he seemed to be fine with it. Anyway, my absence from these boards has been in part because of this. Now that it has gone I will probably be commenting more, although in the tradition of the heartbroken I don't really find joy in the things that once entertained me.
-Trey
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The depression is normal. The HIV insecurities can be normal, too. I think it might be tied to geography, too. I don't people get as much "will I ever be loved with HIV" anxiety when you're nearer to larger populations, and it's obvious that there are so many others out there in the same boat. In any case, just recognize that it is just your insecurity at work here.
I'm not gonna try and bullshit that it isn't a factor to some people or that is doesn't shrink the pool somewhat, but there are still more than enough fish in the sea. It probably has more to do with the general freak out about committment stuff than it does with HIV if this guy already knew and was fine. I've had that same type of thing happen to me before - where I was left wondering: "Why, oh WHY did you put so much energy into getting me into this just to suddenly bail?" And actually, for some people, that's their thing: the winning over. Once they've got it, it isn't valuable as it was.
Take your time, but dust off and move forward.
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Hey Trey,
I am glad to see you post about this, it was probably difficult just formulating your thoughts so soon after the break up. Having been through many myself I can certainly relate to the heartache you're going through. It's definitely not easy.
Sir, I know it's hard right now and thinking about not being able to find someone because of your status is understandable, but you shouldn't do that to yourself. Love fell in your lap, as you mentioned, and this is usually how it is. When you try the least, there it is.
Problem is, it can easily fall right out of your arms, just the same, without little effort. Go through your emotions about the break up itself, but try your best to limit the insecurities-- I know, it's hard.
You're a good person Trey, I know this from our conversations in the past. Please, keep reminding yourself of this.
(((hugs)))
Skeebo
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Thanks Skeebo, ^ this brought tears to my eyes and even though that's incredibly easy to do right now it's nice to remember there are people in this world who don't "know" me who care about me.
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Sorry about the break up,,,,,, and the heartbreak :( :(
So, is there some reason you hang this on HIV status? I mean, is there some evidence that HIV is the reason he split? Of course, it would suck if that is the reason, but maybe it isn't the reason.
You know, in the end, there are people in the world who see relationships as filled with "deal breakers"... Something or other, is judged, too much. I guess we all have our limits.
But I have found, that there are other people who DON'T see relationships so much this way.
I dare say, I grew up in the suburbs and many many of those marriages lasted for the long haul. So all those "grown ups" didn't wait for the deal breaker and then divorce.... I guess that's my world view, from my parents and my environment.
A few divorces, but lots of couples that stick. Naturally, some of those maybe they should have got a divorce! 8)
Please don't lose hope. If it wasn't really about HIV, then don't drag HIV into it. If it was about HIV, then tant pis, yeah, lots of people can't deal. But if they can't deal with that, even if you were HIV negative, there is probably another thing that would have been a "deal breaker" soon enough....
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Trey,
Sorry that it didn't work out. Try to focus less on the "bad" at the end and more on the "good" earlier -- I am assuming there were good time. Those are the things that make it worthwhile to pursue your joy. Whatever you do -- do NOT let HIV dictate your life for you. While some won't be able to deal, if you assume that they all will be like that, you will miss the one/ones who see you and not their own fear. Plus -- you'll be letting that damned virus win and I hate to see it win!
So -- take some time, but be sure to get back up on that horse.
Hugs,
Mike
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Trey, I feel horrible, you called me the other day and I didnt call you back. Sometimes I suck as a friend, sorry. :-[
Yes, he seemed like a great guy when I met him but in meeting you I found you to be an even greater guy than he, and anyone would be lucky to have you (and that baby face and radiant personality) ;)
I know it's tough but keep your chin up and move forward. I think the feelings of insecurity and fear of not being loved are normal. I deal with it and sometimes wonder if that is what is holding me back from being in a happy relationship again. So I can relate to that a bit.
Losing a love really sucks, and it hurts. So don't be afraid to cry, scream or kick things around. But whatever you do dont let it consume you. Onward and upward, Right?
Call me later.
Hugs
-Will
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Trey,
I'm sorry to hear of your break-up. Please don't automatically assume it is because of HIV. It's tempting for HIVers to arrive at that conclusion, and get down on themselves. But there are a thousand different reasons that relationships don't work out. You're not inherently flawed or unlovable because you have HIV.
Henry
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Thanks guys and honestly I guess I'm just looking for answers because I want there to be an option or a work around. For me to forget about this it will just take time. Of course, right now my emotional side does not want to forget and is grasping at straws trying to make it work. I appreciate all the support I get here greatly.
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I don't have any wisdom but just wanted to say I know how you feel. I've been in your shoes (as many of us have). It takes me a long time to get over relationships too... especially I don't understand why it happened or if it's about something beyond my control.
Eventually I get over it and move on and am better for it. Eventually being the key word. I hope you get there soon!
thanks for sharing.
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Sorry that you're dealing with such troubling issues. You've rec'd some excellent responses and I hope it's helping.
Sending positive energy your way.
Wolfie