How do you learn to trust yourself and others?

[Iamrick]

Hi All,
  It's been over a year since my partner died and I am trying to start living my life again. I have found that I'm having some trust issues with this guy I'm seeing. He seems ideal for me, especially right now. We have more in common than any other person I have ever been with. He does not want to put a label on our relationship at this point and that's fine with me. I'm just feeling a lot of the same distrust that I've felt in my past relationships. This is a cycle I want to break badly. I just don't know how to do it. I already know I should talk to a therapist but that's not possible right now. So any advice you  can give me would really be appreciated!!!! Thanks

[xyahka]

Well... i think there is always a level of uncertainty in any relationship... though that uncertainty usually gets confirmed by some details in the behaviour of the other person that indicates something could be not be that good. In my opinion one should always pay attention to details and try to read between lines.

Ah... and another useful thing, lose the fear to fail when it refers in love.... our strenght and wisdom is built from the mistakes we have done before. Wish you all the best bro.

Juan Carlos

[marc11864]

 Rick,

 First, give yourself a pat on the back for having the courage to venture out. That's no small feat in and of itself after losing a loved one. As someone who has struggled with trust issues most of his life, I think it's safe to say some level of mistrust is still a healthy thing. It doesn't seem at this point as if it is keeping you from meeting people so that's an up side. Embrace that as a real positive for yourself because it's working the way it should be if you ask me. My trust issues reached a point that I only felt comfortable initiating a LD relationship... WITH SOMEONE IN THAILAND! That being said, it's worked well for us as I've been forced to actually get to know him well.

 What are some of the things relating to mistrust that you've experienced that have felt like negatives either with this person or others in the past? Mind you, I'm not talking about instances where you may have been wronged. I'm talking about when you felt mistrusting and it was undeserved. Were you reacting to something that occurred or were you creating some fantasy in your head about events?

 With growth comes vulnerability. Which means that if you seriously want to get in touch with these feelings better, you may need to expose yourself somewhat with your "guy". This could mean opening up and letting him know that you have some trust issues that you need to work on. Communicating clearly to him when you feel the mistrust coming on will be important. Unfortunately, this is all kind of a catch 22 in that at some point you need to trust that he won't run away or take advantage of the situation.

 Take it slow and then take it even slower. Gradually, you will build up a safer and safer level of trust with him and before you know it, you'll call him a true friend! And honestly, if you can't call someone a friend first, what's the point of getting involved with them?

 Anyhoo, that's my two cents. Hope that I gave you some good advice. 

 Marc

[DCGUY2007]

I just bought a book online called "Reinventing Your Life...How to break free from negative life Patterns and feel good again". I find it very interesting . I got it used and it only cost $11 from Amazon books. I find reading some good self-help books helps me a lot

Also trust your instincts with people. I haven't always done this and that is what has gotten me in trouble. I have also found trust takes time. A person actions over time will help you decide if you can trust them. You have the answers I think even if you may not want to see them sometimes.

[marc11864]

...Also trust your instincts with people. I haven't always done this and that is what has gotten me in trouble. I have also found trust takes time. A person actions over time will help you decide if you can trust them. You have the answers I think even if you may not want to see them sometimes.

Man, if there was ever anything to take to heart, what you said is it. I think many of us actually wind up pointing in the wrong direction so to speak, specifically because we are taught either by others or by ourselves or even both to doubt our instincts. There's a reason for that little voice in your head. You should pay attention to it more and listen to others less. 

Marc


(Modified for spelling corrections)

[egello]

I used to be like that when I was younger and to a certain extent still like that, even to my 5 years long partner.

This is what I do. I am honest as possible, without invading their space nor privacy until you guys start hanging out like everyday. Until you guys get more serious, take it as if the wind is going to blow the whole thing off right away. Don't have too much expectation, but just enjoy the company. If scared about what he might think if you play sort of aloof, do the whole Yin and Yang thing.

If he comes out sweet, you sort of back track one step (so that he doesn't get scared off) and when he tracks one step back, you come out one step sweeter, and see how the ball rolls.....

good luck.

[chrism1973]

I to am learning how trust myself and others again.My last partner inifected me.After 3 yrs of a BAD relationship I got out of it and met a wonderful man.I am just so unsure of myself that I don't want to sabatoge the relationship with my own selfdoubt.I am working with a therapist once a week getting to the underlying issues but I think I can sum it up with this.I am me,I can only be me.I can't be what I percieve myself to be.Look seriously at who you are and what you have.Count each day as a blessing and look forward to what the day brings.Oneday you'll be suprised you might wake up and trust that person next to you.
                                                                                                                              Chris

[Buff4evr]

Hi
I think all the responses have been great.  Very heartfelt and real. 

For me, the "re-learning" to trust myself and others has come from listening to the stories of other people.  Some worse, some better than my story.  And then I felt two things: (1) I am not alone in this struggle to find a community of trust and acceptance and (2) through the stories of others I found out what areas of my life I need to work on to bring me closer to my own community of trust and acceptance. 

Someone mentioned "vulnerable."  Good people, the people you want in your life, want to help you.  But they need to understand what it is you really need (not want).  Reveal your vulnerabilities and what it is you really need.  I can't guarantee you'll get what you need, but I'm certain you'll find caring people who will hold you and tell you how wonderful you are while you make that journey to getting what you need.  I know that has happened in my life.

Best,
Dave

[Paulette]

I wish i had an answer for you on this one.  because i have trust issues now more than ever.  I've always put up walls and i find that now they seem to be harder to knock down.  My-ex whom infected me did it knowingly and that only added to the problem.
I feel betrayed by most people in my life, with the exception of my 3 daughters. I find it hard to trust anyone including myself.  So if you get a good solution to this problem, please let me know.
Paulette

[Joe K]

I can not imagine how difficult it would be to lose a partner, but your venturing out is a very healthy sign and this is what I found worked for me, when I started dating after an abusive relationship.  Talk about trust issues, I would snap at someone who gave me their phone number and asked me to call and I would reply: "Do not tell me what to do".  A little dramatic don't you think?  But for me, my trust had been so violated that I was not going to let anyone do that to me again.  So instead of seeking love, I sought like.  All my first dates were over coffee or something short, for obvious reasons and if you hit it off then great, if not, no hard feelings.

This worked for a while but I found my self unwilling to commit to a more serious relationship, because I did not want to allow myself to get so close to someone, open my heart and soul to them, only to have them plunge in a knife.  While the practice seemed logical, it was the wrong way to approach meeting others and so I had to decide if I wanted to live my life alone or not.  Because if I did not then I needed to change how I approached guys and so I would concentrate on falling in like with them and seeing what developed.  My husband of nine years, was not even my type, but something attracted me to him and him to me.  But we took our time to fall in like, then lust and ultimately love.

As much as I had been hurt by others, Stephen had done nothing to not be worthy of my trust.  If I would not let him close enough to help, how can I say it is his fault that I have trust issues?  Yes it can be a huge leap of faith, but what other choice do you really have?  You long for something with a special someone and anything worth having takes a hell of a lot of work.  Actually, I think relationships are some of the hardest things in life, but the rewards are infinite.

So after nine years and exposing all of my vulnerabilities, I find I have someone who not only can I trust, but he looks out for me in areas I often forget.  His love of me is so powerful at times, that it seems surreal, but that is my reward for dealing with my trust issues.

My last comment is just food for thought.  If you were starting a relationship and the other guy would not open up to you, how exactly would you know if he is the right guy for you?  And at some point you will decide that you will take the plunge, drop the shields and let him in all the way.  The hard part is that even if he disappoints you, he is only one person.  Nobody said love was easy, but it all comes down to what do you want out of life?  For me, when I knew Stephen for a few months, I knew he was the man that I wanted to share the rest of my life, so I grabbed on with both hands and have not regretted it one bit.

Give it time, you deserve it, but love cannot be forced, nor should it.  When you find it, you will know it and then you will start that wonderful journey with your best friend, lover and confidant and once you find that... then all the other is just stuff.