POZ Community Forums
Off Topic Forums => Off Topic Forum => Topic started by: erstwhile on July 02, 2011, 11:13:17 am
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I have been with my boyfriend now for 7 months. Like any relationship, it has had its ups and downs. My biggest concern has been a lack of desire to be affectionate, particularly sexual, on the part of my boyfriend. He claims that his libido is slowed and that he just doesn't have the drive that he once did -- he's often too tired, stressed or anxious to enjoy sex.
So I told him I'd give him time to get more comfortable with me and not push the issue because I cared for him and his feelings. After a few months (going on 3 months now) of seeing little to no improvement, my paranoia got the best of me. My immediate inclination was to find out if he was cheating on me. I feel absolutely horrible to admit it, but I snooped on his computer, trying to find out perhaps if he was doing anything behind my back.
To my initial relief, there was nothing to suggest infidelity. But there was something else, that many could consider worse, and has my stomach in absolute knots. I found a document saved on his computer, dated back a few years. It was saved as "suicide." In the note it says that (the author) has found out that they have tested HIV positive and that they intend to kill themself as to not spread the disease to anyone else. The document is now 4 years old. It is not signed with my boyfriend's name, however. Just a blank note.
I don't know what to do, how to approach the subject with him without coming clean about violating his trust. But I feel like this possible breach of trust is even greater. I don't even know if the letter is true, or if it was written by him. But there are signs that it may be. He is reluctant to have sex, and we have not once had penetrative sex. He is hesitant even to engage in oral sex. He's very often fatigued and takes naps frequently, as well. If he truly is HIV positive, it makes sense that he would not want to put me at risk. This is so hard because I love him as a person, but am so angry that he was not forthcoming with this if it is indeed true.
I've been in his medicine cabinet many times and haven't seen any drugs used to treat HIV (you could call me a snoop but I'm just a curious person). He does take citalopram and paroxetine (antidepressants, which can explain his sexual inhibitions, and what I attributed them to before finding the letter); they're in plain sight right next to the ibuprofen and toothpaste. I suppose he could be hiding the meds from me, but I'd like to assume that he's not going to such a length to keep his status a secret. I'm not 100% sure what the suggested medication regimen is for someone that is positive, or if they even need to be on medication all the time, so I'm not sure their absence in his case is proof of anything.
I've thought about suggesting we get tested together. The only logical roadblock there is that I was just tested a month ago (negative) and he knows about it. He was supposedly tested over an exposure he had at work, but I'm not sure if it was an HIV test or for something else. He told me it came back clean. Is it unreasonable for me to suggest another test so soon, and furthermore, to ask for a physical test record? I've considered playing it safe for a few months and making sure to take all the necessary precautions during our sexual encounters, and then bringing up the idea of testing again, this time together. Does this sound foolish on my part?
I regret so much that I did what I did, but I am relieved to have been given this heads-up. I'm just not sure what the next move is. The combination of my prying and then confronting him on this issue really could be too much for him to bear, so I'd like to approach it as gracefully as possible. Thanks for any advice you can give me!
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If you don't even know if your partner is HIV+ I'm not sure why you would even post this here -- you're basically snooping and asking a bunch of pozzies here for some sort of validation of this. Guess what, you won't get it from anyone.
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since you don't even know IF he is positive or not this really isn't the place. in addition, if what you describe occurred, then hopefully he wakes up and moves on, starting a relationship with someone that you can't trust is not a good start.
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Your reactions are fair and understandable. I know that what I've done is not commendable, and I'm not seeking validation. Every action has a consequence.
I want to be able to support my boyfriend and I am willing to continue a relationship with him despite what his status may be. I'm trying to figure out the next steps here and was just wondering if anyone has dealt with a situation similar to mine, and how they got through it. If this is the wrong forum to reach out to, then I apologize.
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I've moved your topic to here although I have serious doubts as to whether you should even be in this forum at all.
Your idea about your bf's status is based on supposition. Your actions are dishonest. Neither of those are a good basis for a relationship.
If as you say you care about him how talking to him directly instead of intruding on a site where you have no sound basis at this time for being?
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I want to be able to support my boyfriend and I am willing to continue a relationship with him despite what his status may be.
The status of your BF is not the issue here, it is your total lack of trust and faith in him. I suggest you just be honest, about everything and see where you both want to go from there. I can tell you that snooping and prying, into the life of someone you supposedly love, is not the way to build trust, love or a relationship. Further, if I were your BF and you had done this to me, I couldn't get away from you fast enough.
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I believe you came here in order to find someone to co-sign your bullshit. Invading someone's privacy is not a good basis for any relationship. Were I he, you'd be history.
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The status of your BF is not the issue here, it is your total lack of trust and faith in him. I suggest you just be honest, about everything and see where you both want to go from there. I can tell you that snooping and prying, into the life of someone you supposedly love, is not the way to build trust, love or a relationship. Further, if I were your BF and you had done this to me, I couldn't get away from you fast enough.
I know you don't think highly of me, but thank you. I know we have things we need to work through. Trust doesn't come easily to either of us, and it has been a challenge. This is just another issue added to the top of the heap.
I have to again apologize to those of you who are disgusted or disappointed in what you've read. My judgment has not been great, I reacted poorly and was grasping at straws to make sense of the situation. I have some serious thinking to do, and I now realize that this is all on me.
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Hey Erstwhile,
Not to make your stay with us any longer than it has to be, but I am curious about a couple of things.
First, do YOU think highly of you? Doesn't really matter what we think of you. Digging around in someone's computer and medicine cabinet and then trying to make sense of what you've decided are clues...you have to live with that and the turmoil you're nursing.
Second, you wrote "This is so hard because I love him as a person, but am so angry that he was not forthcoming with this if it is indeed true." Does your definition of love mean that only the other person is forthcoming? How about you go first? How about taking that big leap of saying "I was playing PI and went all through your shit while you weren't here and combined with your fatigue and not touching me, I've decided you're HIV positive." Or, some variation on that. No matter how eloquent, that's what he's likely going to extract. I sure would. You wrote you're angry and you don't even have the facts!
Give him the opportunity to learn the truth about you before he decides whether you deserve any truths about him. You might find you'll think twice in the future before snooping and surmising.
Did you ever consider the Suicide piece was part of a play sent to him, or a part of a play he was writing or a suicide note he received? After my beloved brother-in-law killed himself, I attended a suicide survivors course with my sister and we learned the majority of people who commit suicide don't leave notes.
One other idea? You could have a chat with a counselor instead of us.
Em
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I have been with my boyfriend now for 7 months. Like any relationship, it has had its ups and downs. My biggest concern has been a lack of desire to be affectionate, particularly sexual, on the part of my boyfriend. He claims that his libido is slowed and that he just doesn't have the drive that he once did -- he's often too tired, stressed or anxious to enjoy sex.
So I told him I'd give him time to get more comfortable with me and not push the issue because I cared for him and his feelings. After a few months (going on 3 months now) of seeing little to no improvement, my paranoia got the best of me. My immediate inclination was to find out if he was cheating on me. I feel absolutely horrible to admit it, but I snooped on his computer, trying to find out perhaps if he was doing anything behind my back.
To my initial relief, there was nothing to suggest infidelity. But there was something else, that many could consider worse, and has my stomach in absolute knots. I found a document saved on his computer, dated back a few years. It was saved as "suicide." In the note it says that (the author) has found out that they have tested HIV positive and that they intend to kill themself as to not spread the disease to anyone else. The document is now 4 years old. It is not signed with my boyfriend's name, however. Just a blank note.
I don't know what to do, how to approach the subject with him without coming clean about violating his trust. But I feel like this possible breach of trust is even greater. I don't even know if the letter is true, or if it was written by him. But there are signs that it may be. He is reluctant to have sex, and we have not once had penetrative sex. He is hesitant even to engage in oral sex. He's very often fatigued and takes naps frequently, as well. If he truly is HIV positive, it makes sense that he would not want to put me at risk. This is so hard because I love him as a person, but am so angry that he was not forthcoming with this if it is indeed true.
I've been in his medicine cabinet many times and haven't seen any drugs used to treat HIV (you could call me a snoop but I'm just a curious person). He does take citalopram and paroxetine (antidepressants, which can explain his sexual inhibitions, and what I attributed them to before finding the letter); they're in plain sight right next to the ibuprofen and toothpaste. I suppose he could be hiding the meds from me, but I'd like to assume that he's not going to such a length to keep his status a secret. I'm not 100% sure what the suggested medication regimen is for someone that is positive, or if they even need to be on medication all the time, so I'm not sure their absence in his case is proof of anything.
I've thought about suggesting we get tested together. The only logical roadblock there is that I was just tested a month ago (negative) and he knows about it. He was supposedly tested over an exposure he had at work, but I'm not sure if it was an HIV test or for something else. He told me it came back clean. Is it unreasonable for me to suggest another test so soon, and furthermore, to ask for a physical test record? I've considered playing it safe for a few months and making sure to take all the necessary precautions during our sexual encounters, and then bringing up the idea of testing again, this time together. Does this sound foolish on my part?
I regret so much that I did what I did, but I am relieved to have been given this heads-up. I'm just not sure what the next move is. The combination of my prying and then confronting him on this issue really could be too much for him to bear, so I'd like to approach it as gracefully as possible. Thanks for any advice you can give me!
Leave him. The relationship (based as it is on lies and suspicions) is doomed.
MtD
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Leave him and leave us. Kthxbi.