POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Someone I Care About Has HIV => Topic started by: PopTart2011 on July 02, 2011, 09:09:06 pm
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whatever
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We're supposed to diagnosis a "red patch of skin below his shoulder blade" for you to ease your paranoid concerns that someone you just recently met is possibly lying about his treatment of his HIV? Seriously?
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Wow, what a lovely response!
I was just wondering if anyone knew of it. It's not just a red patch of skin, after all, that would be different - it has at least 30 or more blisters or pimples inside it. It's not recognisable as anything I've ever seen. And yes, I've read stuff online, but it's all vague and it's always better talk to people with experience. It is my right to wonder, quite frankly - or should I just freak and run off and abandon him like 99.9% of HIV- people would do in my situation?! I'm trying to understand, but it goes against what he says. And quite frankly, if I'm considering a relationship with this person, yes, it's important to me! As it would be to anyone with a brain.
The way to help educate people and encourage people dealing with the issue would be, I would imagine, not to berate them.
Thanks for your help.
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So here's a crazy idea. How about instead of running through this gauntlet of possibilities and querying strangers on the internet you confront/ask him about what's going on with him and ask him to be completely honest and blunt with you. It's this thing that's somewhat valuable in relationships called communication and honesty. None of us can even remotely begin to give you the sort of advice you're looking for.
If you're not comfortable dating someone who's hiv+ that's one thing. If you think he's lying to you that's another completely. If he's not lying to you and you feel you can't trust him, something else entirely. This is all between you and he.
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or should I just freak and run off and abandon him like 99.9% of HIV- people would do in my situation?!
As someone who has had three, seven, five, and four year relationships with HIV negative people, I will say with certainty that you need a good running away from.
Don't do this poor guy any favors.
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You just met this person and already you are trying to "work with him on this?" Sounds kind of presumptious, and obsessive. He is an adult right. As someone who is positive in a relationship with someone who is negative I can tell you support is great. But if my other half was googling every rash I ever had trying to determine if my treatment was adequate there would be problems. Leave that for me and my Dr. Support doesnt meet obsessing, most of the time the best support is when he makes me forget I have this<<<< your not his nurse your his boyfriend.
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So let me get this straight- You found a patch of some kind of skin infection, and are immediately suspicious that your BF is lying to you? That right there suggests more about your own character (or lack thereof) than about his. This may be hard to believe, but the skin infection could have absolutely nothing to do with his HIV status whatsoever. HIV- people get skin rashes too you know. Also curious: just because you've never seen a rash like this doesn't mean it's anything special, so how did you come to this conclusion? Or are you a Dermatologist?
Between your opening statement where you initially said that the HIV doesn't matter to to you, and a statement made later on that 99.9% of the people in your situation would just leave. The unspoken implication is that the HIV DOES matter to you now, and that you are looking for a loophole to let you out of the situation, justifying it as that's what 99.9% of the rest of the people out there would do anyway. Not only are you off the hook, but as a bonus, you get the "knowledge" that you have a clear conscience. Your very own Real-Life Get Out Of Jail Free card. If you work it hard enough, you might even get to play the role of victim.
We Pozzies are fiercely protective of our privacy for reasons you will never be able to understand and coming here with this story is NOT going to win you any friends or help you in any way.
Plus, have you ever thought that maybe your BF is already a member here, and has read your words???
CaptCarl
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PopTart
You might find it useful to read this blog post by one of our forums members http://blogs.poz.com/jayvithalani/archives/2011/01/no_extra_cool_points.html
As far as your rash question, if you care about this man perhaps you should ask him if he even knows about his rash? Since it is on his back he may not even know about it unless it is painful.
A
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PopTart
You might find it useful to read this blog post by one of our forums members http://blogs.poz.com/jayvithalani/archives/2011/01/no_extra_cool_points.html
As far as your rash question, if you care about this man perhaps you should ask him if he even knows about his rash? Since it is on his back he may not even know about it unless it is painful.
A
Just because Poz has the bad taste to make someone a blogger doesn't mean they should be taken seriously.
Frankly Urban I'm surprised at you. I would think that you, of all people, should know better. :(
MtD
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Just because Poz has the bad taste to make someone a blogger doesn't mean they should be taken seriously.
Frankly Urban I'm surprised at you. I would think that you, of all people, should know better. :(
MtD
It is a long blog post .... But it eventually makes many of the points others have made above. Given the OP's somewhat prolix style I thought he might find it more accessible.
Urban (who clearly doesn't understand what MtD is going on about :-* )
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Tart,
All of the trust and other issues you raise aside, my first thought when I read your description of the rash was - shingles. If it's shingles, he's probably aware of it as shingles are painful. If it is shingles, it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with hiv or hiv treatment. Anyone- poz or neg - who has had chickenpox can get shingles and usually in response to stress. You say he's a corporate high-flyer and that's a stressful environment. Add in a new poz/neg relationship... Anyway, shingles is just a possibility and shingles are not an excuse to cut and run, if that's what you're looking for. (and it would seem you are)
You say you recently started seeing this person - do you lay every single one of your own cards out on the table the minute you start dating someone? Why do you assume he's lying about any aspect of his pozzness when he was honest about being poz in the first place?
It's totally possible to go without treatment for years in some cases - I've been poz for fourteen years myself, no meds yet. If you think anyone who is poz must be on treatment, then you've still got a lot to learn about being poz. I suggest you start learning by reading the Lessons (http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/Introduction_4702.shtml) available elsewhere on this website.
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Hmmmmm. I'll just delete my original question and save any more aggressive people with hangups going to town on it.
One of my friends said to me, "I think it' a bad idea because they're all really messed up psychologically - it's not the actual disease you have to worry about, it's their heads."
I was horrified at this idea and told her she was being ridiculous.
But now that I've been here and asked a fairly simple question with what are the best intentions.... well.... maybe I should reconsider.
Thanks. Fire away... I wont be bothering to come back and read any more responses.
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Yes PopTart, it's obviously everyone else's fault and nothing you've said or done. We're just damaged goods in need of lithium.
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Hmmmmm. I'll just delete my original question and save any more aggressive people with hangups going to town on it.
One of my friends said to me, "I think it' a bad idea because they're all really messed up psychologically - it's not the actual disease you have to worry about, it's their heads."
I was horrified at this idea and told her she was being ridiculous.
But now that I've been here and asked a fairly simple question with what are the best intentions.... well.... maybe I should reconsider.
Thanks. Fire away... I wont be bothering to come back and read any more responses.
Wow. Just wow.
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I wont be bothering to come back and read any more responses
Probably just as well, you obviously don't like the the truth, and that's what you have received so far so no great loss really.
I wonder how many PM's he has received telling him how truly awful we all are.
Jan
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Tart, I responded to your PM - or at least I tried to. You have deactivated your account by changing your email address so the PM could not be delivered. I hope the new address is a real one because I sent the PM to that email account. (only mods and admin can see your email address) If the new addy is a real one, your reactivation email might be in your spam folder and mine might be too, so check. If it's not a real address and you want to reactivate your account, get in touch with forums@aidsmeds.com and give us a real address - I can change it in your profile and activate you.
To everyone else, did some of you really have to be so harsh? This is one of the ways that we perpetuate our own stigma. This guy came in looking for guidance and he mostly got vitriol. How are we ever going to end the stigma unless we take people by the hand and educate them in a compassionate way?
Whether we like it or not, people, in general, are just not being correctly informed about hiv. Most people don't have a clue about what it's like to live with hiv or how it all works. We have a unique opportunity here to reach out and educate at least a few people, but all too often that opportunity is wasted in unwarranted attacks and self-righteousness.
I've heard people say "there's no reason for people to not be educated about hiv - they have the whole internet at their disposal." Yep, and there's so much bullshit being written about hiv on the internet it isn't even funny. But when people find a place like this where they can get a real education, they get chastised instead. Yes, Tart has some other issues going on. Yes, I realise his issues brought up a lot of painful memories for some here. But instead of trying to educate him so he doesn't make the same mistakes as you were subjected to, he was attacked.
I'm going to lock this thread. Tart shouldn't have deleted his OP because it makes the rest of the thread unintelligible, but for those who have participated in it, you know what he said and you know what? What he said wasn't really all that bad. He was coming from a place of unintentional naivety and ignorance, but I believe he has good intentions at heart. Instead of taking those good intentions and trying to build on them, most of you just tried to tear him down. It's downright embarrassing, to be honest.
Ann
edited to add... Just to be clear - this thread was locked purely for the reason of the OP being deleted. If anyone wishes to discuss what I've said here, PM me.