Anxiety

[newbie76]

Me again!

I am anxious. I have always been an anxious person. So you can imagine what this HIV diagnosis has brought on now... It's pure hell!

The worse is in the morning. I wake up at about 5am, I think for about 5 seconds and it all comes back to me: "you're HIV positive, there's no way out"; and that does it for the day. I lie there, still, not to wake up my partner beside me and think, and think, and all these negative thoughts start to add up in my head and by the time I have to get up (7am) I am a wreck!

I go to the bathroom and check all my symptoms: how are my arms? covered with a rash from the blanket, hopefully it will go in an hour or so. How do I feel? Extremely exhausted. How do I look? Like I am losing weight. A new tongue ulcer: I need to use that mouthwash which is decolouring my teeth. And so on. Breakfast is out of question. If I think of eating I run to the toilet and feel sick. I take my half antidepressant which makes no difference whatsoever and my multivitamin and go to work.

At work is never quite busy (I'm a receptionist) so I am just sitting there looking at the void in front of me, thinking. The fatigue sometimes is just unbearable. When a colleague passes by I force a smile and I say that I feel great while I am dying inside.

In the afternoon normally my anxiety gives me a break, like a morning fog that lifts itself and I can breathe. I force a sandwich down my throat, chewing very slowly, drinking lots of water at the same time not to throw up.

I never had any interests in life but I was happy this way. Now I find myself with these long afternoons (I only work mornings) without anything to do except worry and get crazy. Sometimes I crash in bed, exhausted, sometimes I try to go out for a walk, always alone, always with my fears.

The evening is the "best" part: my boyfriend comes back home and I generally feel better. He is much stronger than me and loves his work so he doesn't think too much about it (we were diagnosed +ve together 4 days ago), but when I have a "crisis" he cannot give me strenght he was giving me in the past. He gets sad too and we both cry. He used to be my rock, but now he needs support too and I hate myself for not being able to help him as he helps me.

We eat almost normally, we watch TV together and we go to bed together, but I know already that 6 hours later the nightmare will resume.

[getting_my_act_together]

this is terrible, I am not HIV positive, but I did something very stupid last night, had unprotected anal sex with some guy I didnt even know.... so now the three months of agony and anxiety begin for me.


please know that you're not alone....

[newbie76]

It happens.
I never had unprotected sex except with my 2 long term boyfriends, but I did sleep around a lot (gay in London... you do the math!) and it must have happened during foreplay or something, I guess I'll never know.
If you had unprotected sex it does not mean you caught HIV, even if your partner was +ve. It could have happened, it could have not, as you said you will find out in 3 months.
There's no point in cruxifying yourself now. Just an advice: before going to have the test, prepare yourself. I started thinking I was +ve a week before taking the test and when the health advisor told me I was +ve I wasn't that shocked (my bf was though!).
NOTHING can prepare you for a positive result but you can try and do whatever you can to prevent it from destroying your mental health. Believe me, it's not easy.
So much goes through my head. I picture these three huge inflated letters H I V and myself being crushed under them! I know it sounds silly but that's my mental image.
Be strong, we all have to be in life. HIV is a challenge, the biggest for me so far, but you (and especially I!) have to realise that it is all in your head: you need to decide how much you want to let this affect you. You can think of it 24/7 (like I am doing these days!), or you can try and live your life in a "normal" way.
I read somewhere that today HIV is becoming a bit like diabetis: a cronic condition people live with. And it helped me a lot to think of this.
I hope you will test negative in 3 months. I don't wish what I am going through to anyone, but as I said, it is up to you how you're going to let a positive result influence your life. Unfortunately it is influencing my life A LOT right now!!!
Best of luck.

[getting_my_act_together]

thank you, your words bring me some comfort

I think it's the guilt of letting myself do these things what's getting the best outta me, the heat of the moment I guess.

I usually just do oral and mutual masturbation but for some reason analhad to happen last night, I was the top so it brings me some confort knowing that I am not as much on risk, there is hope I guess.

[newbie76]

Of course there is hope! HIV isn't THAT easy to catch after all. This is not to say you shouldn't be safe.
But if every time someone f***ed without a condom was getting infected there'd be more +ve people than negative, don't you think?
I am sure you'll be alright.
(Funny how I posted on here this morning looking for comfort and support and how I end up comforting someone else! But it's all good!!!).

[getting_my_act_together]

thank you so much, I was thinking that..... millions upon millions of people are pretty irresponsible when it comes to sex and you're right, if the virus was so easy to catch over 40% of the planet probably would be positive by now!

plus I dont know if the guy is positive or not!! he didnt really mind me going bareback, though he claimed he is safe.... that makes u think, I guess I'll never know 

I'll just try to live day by day I guess.

[Andy Velez]

Getting, you absolutely have no business being in this section. You have not tested positive and your coming into this section is a serious breach of the rules of this site. wed.   

I am leaving this thread as a courtesy to Newbie who began it looking for support.

[milker]

newbie,

thinking about hiv when you wake up has been my experience since i tested positive back in February. And there was not a single moment without thinking about it. hiv here, hiv there. A little itching? HIV. Muscle strain? HIV. A little spot on my skin? HIV. Nothing interesting on tv? HIV.

Then the feeling that you've got this thing inside you that you cannot get rid of. Disclosure. Meds? So many questions, and no easy answers.

I joined this site like you did, asked many many questions, read hundreds of posts, and became to understand what I am dealing with, and stepped back, took a deep breath, and made a plan. Plan is to get on with life, make the most of it, help my body fight the virus, get strength and be ready for rejections and fears, attitudes and stupidity from others. hiv is not going to destroy me, it is NOT. Don't let it destroy you and your boyfriend.

It's now the end of March, and I still think about hiv when I wake up, but then I stop thinking about it for a longer time every day, I've stopped looking at my body searching for something wrong, my nodes are sometimes itching a bit and  I know it's my body fighting and i'm happy about that, instead of panicking about it.

I will have other challenges in life, I don't want HIV to put a barrier and not allow me to win those challenges. HIV wants to play with me? ok i'll play with it, but I know I will ultimately win.

Milker.

[FiercenBed]

i go to the grocery store and see all the people and think to myself.....'i wonder if anyone else in here is hiv+"....lol. now thatz anxiety!

good luck!

[oscarbi69]

Me again!

I am anxious. I have always been an anxious person. So you can imagine what this HIV diagnosis has brought on now... It's pure hell!

The worse is in the morning. I wake up at about 5am, I think for about 5 seconds and it all comes back to me: "you're HIV positive, there's no way out"; and that does it for the day. I lie there, still, not to wake up my partner beside me and think, and think, and all these negative thoughts start to add up in my head and by the time I have to get up (7am) I am a wreck!

I go to the bathroom and check all my symptoms: how are my arms? covered with a rash from the blanket, hopefully it will go in an hour or so. How do I feel? Extremely exhausted. How do I look? Like I am losing weight. A new tongue ulcer: I need to use that mouthwash which is decolouring my teeth. And so on. Breakfast is out of question. If I think of eating I run to the toilet and feel sick. I take my half antidepressant which makes no difference whatsoever and my multivitamin and go to work.

At work is never quite busy (I'm a receptionist) so I am just sitting there looking at the void in front of me, thinking. The fatigue sometimes is just unbearable. When a colleague passes by I force a smile and I say that I feel great while I am dying inside.

In the afternoon normally my anxiety gives me a break, like a morning fog that lifts itself and I can breathe. I force a sandwich down my throat, chewing very slowly, drinking lots of water at the same time not to throw up.

I never had any interests in life but I was happy this way. Now I find myself with these long afternoons (I only work mornings) without anything to do except worry and get crazy. Sometimes I crash in bed, exhausted, sometimes I try to go out for a walk, always alone, always with my fears.

The evening is the "best" part: my boyfriend comes back home and I generally feel better. He is much stronger than me and loves his work so he doesn't think too much about it (we were diagnosed +ve together 4 days ago), but when I have a "crisis" he cannot give me strenght he was giving me in the past. He gets sad too and we both cry. He used to be my rock, but now he needs support too and I hate myself for not being able to help him as he helps me.

We eat almost normally, we watch TV together and we go to bed together, but I know already that 6 hours later the nightmare will resume.

L  Understand what you are going through and with all the meds available you will be just fine,make sure you have a good doctor who has some compassion and eat well avoid alcohol as much as possible so your meds will work better, as far as the always thinking about it well stopp it.Think positive and stop feeding your thoughts about it. Change your way of thinking and focus on the things and people who really matter in your life,talk sweeter and love deeper.You will ajust in time,Take your meds and ask questions but I try to just think normal and it helps alot.you will from time to time think about thins and your status and thats okay ,but think of good thoughts and create positive energy and love the man your with till it hurts,I do and we are much better for it and its been 12years know. Brad in Montreal

[aztecan]

Newbie,

I know the first year is really tough. But you will get through it.

You said you never really had any interests in life but were happy that way - before becoming positive, right?

Well, now's the time to find some. Your life has changed.

Get involved in something, volunteer some of those empty afternoons.

Are you involved in any support groups? They can be a lifesaver.

Are you enrolled in an ASO? If you are, do they have counseling available? If anyone ever needs counseling, the first year would be the time.

My point is sitting at home and examining your body from top to bottom every day doesn't really seem to be helping you right now.

As I said, the first year is tough because you are adjusting to living with this bug.

Life can be just as meaningful as it was prior to being positive. In my case, it became even more meaningful.

HUGS,

Mark