Partner is Poz now I may be

[Jefriki]

Hi all. This is my first post here. The long story short...

My partner has been Poz for 5 years. He is undetectable and takes his meds religiously. I have always gotten tested every 3 months and have always been negative... Until last week, I received a Poz result.

About a month ago, we broke up. We had always had a great sex life, I was completely fulfilled. However, because I thought we were monogamous, and he was undetectable, we did not use protection (insert gasps here.) Shortly after I last saw him, he had gotten pretty sick with some kind of bug. Three days later, I was sick. Once we broke up, I decided to get tested a little early.

I missed him everyday, and we had been "talking" nicely... Those strong feelings of love started rearing their head. We even started discussing getting back together. Then I told him I had been tested, and had a positive result.

I was always supportive of him - and never really thought I would be faced with this. When I told him I had a positive result, his response was (and I'm quoting here) "I can't be with you because it's not healthy if we are both positive." so, the love of my life says he can't be with me because I am positive... Something I could have only gotten from him. So, I'm heartbroken, sad, and now facing this alone.

Any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Positively Brokenhearted

[texaninnyc87]

It's horrible that anyone would do something like this. The fact that your partner did this after knowingly having unprotected sex with you, while positive, makes it unfathomable. If he was educated about what was happening with his own body, which hopefully he would be after being positive for YEARS, he should AT LEAST know not to have unprotected sex with you and hopefully know 2 positive people in a relationship does not increase the risk of complications. Chances are he gave you HIS strain of the virus anyways. So the risk of co-infection seems negligible. Co-infection is a somewhat debatable topic anyways...It seems to me like he broke up with you because of guilt issues. Also, he seems like a jerk! Sorry you're hung up on him and sorry you're in this situation but...

[Jefriki]

Hey Texan,

Thanks for the post. Yeah, he is a jerk. I must accept responsibility for part of the situation. I knowingly had unprotected sex with himself went to his doc together a long time ago. The doc explained that, because he was undetectable for so long, the risk to me was minimal - though not completely safe. The problem I have is that he is treating me like UNEDUCATED people treat those with HIV. He should know better. He swears I couldn't get anything from him. However, I know I haven't been with anyone else for years - except him. What gives?

[jkinatl2]

It's horrible that anyone would do something like this. The fact that your partner did this after knowingly having unprotected sex with you, while positive, makes it unfathomable. If he was educated about what was happening with his own body, which hopefully he would be after being positive for YEARS, he should AT LEAST know not to have unprotected sex with you and hopefully know 2 positive people in a relationship does not increase the risk of complications. Chances are he gave you HIS strain of the virus anyways. So the risk of co-infection seems negligible. Co-infection is a somewhat debatable topic anyways...It seems to me like he broke up with you because of guilt issues. Also, he seems like a jerk! Sorry you're hung up on him and sorry you're in this situation but...

Would you be willing to tell people having unprotected sex in order to have a baby that it's unfathomable?

Beyond that, the OP made a conscious, informed decision to have unprotected sex so long as his partner was undetectable. I don't think infantilizing him by referring to the sex as something done to him is very helpful.

Grownups, in grownup relationships, make decisions based on (hopefully) accurate and correct information. I gather that the OP seems to doubt the monogamy of the relationship, as well as other factors. Notwithstanding, the OP's boyfriend's behavior seems sketchy at best after the revelation. I am pretty sure that we, the forum, and possibly even the OP himself might not know the entire story here.

To the OP:

Welcome to the forums. Though I sincerely hope that followup testing proves you negative, I am going to assume you are indeed positive for the sake of this post.

You made a decision that thousands of heterosexual couples have made - which is to forego condoms if your partner is UD. One of the things that can circumvent that UD viral load is the presence of another STD such as syphilis. Have you gotten a comprehensive STD panel? If, from reading between the lines, you have doubts about the monogamy of your relationship, that might be an issue worth looking into.

As for your boyfriend's response, it is bizarre to say the least. I am thinking that a little more context might help us understand. Was your relationship solid before this revelation? Were there absolutely no other red flags?

Perhaps your BY is wracked with guilt for having been the source for your infection. Though by your own posts, you made it clear that you understood the science and decided to take the extremely low risk. Treatment as preventionj has an exceedingly high success rate, so long as both parties are honest. It seems to me that perhaps your boyfriend has not been exactly honest? This is of course assuming that you have also been completely forthcoming - and remember, this is the internet after all.

Regardless, if you are indeed confirmed positive, please know that HIV is a treatable condition that, with insurance (if you are in the us) should be a bump in the road for you, but not necessarily a total derailment.

With the amazing drugs available today, and with the plethora of drugs and other treatment/functional cures in the pipeline, there is no reason at all that you should not lead as normal a life as anyone else. I do hope that you manage to find, in your current relationship or elsewhere, a healthy and safe place to experience love and acceptance. No matter how long you live, life will always be too short to settle for anything or anyone else.

[Ithappens]

I think i'm in shock that after you sticking with him, he'd leave you when you probably need him the most.  I also have to agree with Texan that perhaps something is a miss and he wasn't being totally honest with you.  I can see him being racked with guilt after telling him you were positive but i'd also imagine the guilt would make him grovel and stick by your side.  Then again, who really knows, maybe he doesn't feel guilty??

[Jefriki]

Just to be clear, I thought the relationship was solid. I travel for work and that takes a great amount of trust on both our parts. In hindsight, I should have seen the signs when I wouldn't hear from him for HOURS after he got off from work.

The most disconcerting part is this: he simply stated it would not be healthy for us to be together if I turn out positive. I knew the risks of having unprotected sex with my partner. We both made an adult effort to have that kind of intimacy. What I didn't know was that only worked both ways. I can deal with being infected, it's very treatable. What I can't deal with is the person who infected me doesn't have the basic respect for his partner (now ex-partner) during a difficult period. Maybe it is just guilt on his part. I can only hope the guilt is from infecting me, not from being unfaithful.

[jkinatl2]

Just to be clear, I thought the relationship was solid. I travel for work and that takes a great amount of trust on both our parts. In hindsight, I should have seen the signs when I wouldn't hear from him for HOURS after he got off from work.

The most disconcerting part is this: he simply stated it would not be healthy for us to be together if I turn out positive. I knew the risks of having unprotected sex with my partner. We both made an adult effort to have that kind of intimacy. What I didn't know was that only worked both ways. I can deal with being infected, it's very treatable. What I can't deal with is the person who infected me doesn't have the basic respect for his partner (now ex-partner) during a difficult period. Maybe it is just guilt on his part. I can only hope the guilt is from infecting me, not from being unfaithful.

Your posting indicates that you know the answer to your questions.

[tednlou2]

Welcome to the forums.  I am sorry to hear about your possible infection, and your partners reaction.  You mentioned he had been ill with some bug.  I am still learning myself, but I have read many times that having some illness can cause an increase in viral load.  If he had been cheating, an STI could also increase the chances of infection, along with a vl increase.  But, the cheating is just speculation, right? 

But, it appears you're not wondering so much how this happened, rather you're saddened and feel abandoned over his shitty treatment towards you.  Was he mostly a very loving and supportive person?  Or, did he have a dark side, where he could be cold to people?  If you never witnessed this, then he may be dealing with some guilt issues.  Even if a relationship is over, I would expect someone who loved me to at least have some compassion and be willing to be a shoulder to lean on.  Perhaps he is worried that being that person will make it more difficult for you both to move on.  But, it certainly comes off shitty. 

[anmlvrnyc]

hi jefriki,
I think you need to focus on your well being and forget about your ex. People suck. People do shitty things. People change. What else is new? If he can't give you the kind of love and support you need, look else where. I'm sure you have loving caring family and friends who would love you and support you regardless of your status.
What you need to do is get a full comprehensive blood test and find out what you are dealing with and take care of yourself. Try to remove all the negative energy around you and focus on your well being.
I hope you can find some peace in this tough time. Take care.

[pozbudnc]

I understand how you are feeling.  You are going through 2 life-changing events at once -- 1) the diagnosis and 2) the break-up of your relationship.  It is a lot to handle at once, but it is something that you can handle.  Many of us have experienced a similar situation where we lost our partner at the same time that we gained an AIDS diagnosis.  Most people who experienced this situation, ultimately (years later) realize that the partner who abandoned them actually did them a favor. 
In living with a disease like HIV, you really want a partner that you can rely on in good times and in bad times.  You really do not want a partner who is only going to be around for the good times.  Hopefully, in the future you will realize that your partner did you a favor by letting you know that he was not someone that you could rely on for the long-term.