Author Topic: my nephew is hiv+ (Read 7166 times)

tt816 · « **on:** February 12, 2016, 04:40:59 pm »

i need to figure out how to help him... i been crying not eating anything every since i found out i'm so new to this and don't want to treat him different

Jim Allen · « **Reply #1 on:** February 12, 2016, 05:24:25 pm »

Welcome to the forum.
If you don't mind me asking did your nephew tell you himself?

Now I don't know your nephew but If I told you and I was your nephew, a hug and "It's okay, if you need me i am here for you" Would be a nice/welcome response.

Quote

what can i say to him?
how to overcome fear?

Quote from: tt816 on February 12, 2016, 04:40:59 pm

i'm so new to this and don't want to treat him different

I'm not sure I fully understand the poll correctly, but you don't need to treat him differently and you don't need to fear him or do you mean fears for him

- What fears do you have ?

But in short all you need to do is just be there for him if he need you.

Jim

tt816 · « **Reply #2 on:** February 13, 2016, 03:47:06 am »

his ex boyfriend sent a text to his mom phone with my nephew test result and put a smiley face under it....yes i do fear for him ....he said he wasn't gone tell us till he got stronger and start taking meds

Jim Allen · « **Reply #3 on:** February 13, 2016, 04:30:40 am »

Okay.

I am sure others will chime in but to me it sounds like his main issue is that his ex is a bit of a snake. Sharing someone's results like that is not done out of concern or to be helpful. It's a really scumbag thing to do if you don't mind me saying.
If i was him i would avoid contact with an ex like that.

Well the cat's out of the bag now and he know that you know. ?

My advice would be to treat him as you always would have done before, by doing so show him that it makes no difference to you that he is HIV+. Just be there for him if he does need you.

If he is new to this perhaps take some time to brush up on things, the section "newly diagnosed" might give you some insights so you know what he's facing.
http://www.poz.com/newly_diagnosed.shtml

Keep in mind that HIV nowadays is very manageable with today's medication and he has every opportunity to live a long, healthy and productive life.

Kind regards

Jim

tt816 · « **Reply #4 on:** February 13, 2016, 05:01:59 am »

thank u so much but i can't seem to face him ...i'll start to cry and he would hang up the phone but i reach-out to a caseworker and he go visit her Tuesday ... maybe i shouldn't call him anymore just text him

Jim Allen · « **Reply #5 on:** February 13, 2016, 06:31:28 am »

If you normally have contact with him and stop or change that contact he will/might notice that distance, that said if he's hanging up than perhaps you can take a few day to digest the news.

At the end of the day we are all people including yourself and it's okay to be upset about something or cry. Just be there for him when you can.
It's not easy news to digest and the way it was done was also a bit of shock.

Jim

Wade · « **Reply #6 on:** February 13, 2016, 08:37:01 am »

Hi and Welcome.
Your nephew is going to live a long and productive life , and rebound quickly once starting meds. I agree with Jim . Now he needs a big hug and support , and to know he is not alone . As for his EX....I cant even say what I think of him.

Point your nephew in this direction . He will find a lot of support and information that may be very helpful to him on the Forums.

Best , Wade

terrymoore · « **Reply #7 on:** February 13, 2016, 09:46:48 am »

It is ok to cry when you see him. I suggest you read up on the condition (this site is a great resource) so that you understand that things are not like they used to be in the 80`s when this thing first hit the news. I too was living in the past, and unfortunately it took me getting infected to learn that this is no longer a horrible death-sentence, but rather, it is a chronic condition that can be managed with the proper medication. Go see him, tell him how much you love him, support him, educate yourself - if not for your for your sake, then for his. He is still the same nephew you loved before, and i am sure he will love to have his aunt`s support.

Gruff · « **Reply #8 on:** February 13, 2016, 11:56:47 am »

I'm going to respond, and this may sound a little harsh (even though I don't mean it to be - I'm just offering a different perspective.)

First of all, his ex is scum. NO ONE has the right to divulge personal medical information about anyone other than themself, to anyone. Therefore, you shouldn't even know until your nephew decides to make his status known (and he may never do so - that's his right.)

I understand you are concerned and want to help - but (please understand I am saying this as gently as I can) - it's really none of your business. Do not play the hero or the martyr wanting to rush in and help. Frankly, if a relative of mine did that to me, I would tell them to mind their own business - and yes, if they started crying, I'd hang up too. That's me.

No doubt he is now struggling with all the learning curves and emotions that go with testing positive. The last thing he needs is to deal with hysterical relatives on top of that. Let HIM make the decision to reach out, to discuss his condition, or to seek your help if HE chooses.

I am Positive. I do not want the pity, or even the well-meaning offer of help from others out of the blue.

The bottom line is, this is not the 1980s. He is not dying. He has a managable medical condition. Period. If you learned he had diabetes, would you approach him and break down in tears? If that is your reaction, it is better to deal with YOUR reaction to this before you attempt to "help" him.

Again, maybe i'm just an ornery, independent guy, but i would not react kindly to that kind of approach. It took me years to let my family know for precisely that reason. And that was MY choice. Let him make HIS choices.

tt816 · « **Reply #9 on:** February 14, 2016, 01:04:44 am »

he's only 20 years old still wet behind the ears ....i luv him so much ....just cant help myself

Jim Allen · « **Reply #10 on:** February 14, 2016, 06:18:03 am »

Quote from: tt816 on February 12, 2016, 04:40:59 pm

i need to figure out how to help him... i been crying not eating anything every since i found out i'm so new to this and don't want to treat him different

Okay so if i understand he does not know that you know.

In that case we all understand that you clearly care deeply for your nephew.
However he is a man now and he has to life his own life and part of that is letting him be independent. The cat is out of the bag now about his HIV+ status and once it's out it's out. However if he does not know that you know yet the best is to say nothing at all until the time that he tells you.

When and if he does just give him a hug and for the rest he will let you know if he needs any help. Keep in mind that HIV nowadays is very manageable with today's medication and he has every opportunity to live a long, healthy and productive life. Despite the news being a big of a shock for you, you need to really keep this in mind and understand that he is going to be fine, HIV is not the doom and gloom it once was.

Jim

mecch · « **Reply #11 on:** February 14, 2016, 02:42:37 pm »

OP what country are you in??

You need to learn more about HIV. May eventually your nephew will say more about his status to family. Then when that time comes, you won't be the emotional and ignorant person you are at the present, with all the crying and snooping/secrets, whatever.

Get a grip and learn about HIV as a diagnosis, like any other health condition.

tt816 · « **Reply #12 on:** February 14, 2016, 10:15:51 pm »

hey guys he no i knows ....i wasn't snooping are anything if ex boyfriend screenshot the test result to his mom .... i research and found this site trying to educate myself so i can help my nephew ....i found a caseworker for him so he can start some type of treatment .... i luv him so much also a very concern aunt ..... my mind a little at ease chatting with u guy who are going threw the same situation and i truly thanks everyone with the good gestures...

Jim Allen · « **Reply #13 on:** February 15, 2016, 02:15:08 am »

Hi

I'm glad the site is helping you gain some insight into this and i'm pleased to hear that chatting with us has also helped. Please do stick around.

Note:
You can post in this forum "Someone I Care About Has HIV" as well as "off topic" where we discuss anything other than HIV. The rest of the forum is for people that are living with HIV only.

Jim

mecch · « **Reply #14 on:** February 15, 2016, 12:23:15 pm »

Ok I'm glad to hear all that. If you learn about HIV and really take the science to heart, your heart will mend meaning you won't be as emotional about it.

intaglio · « **Reply #15 on:** February 27, 2016, 01:09:45 am »

I assume his mother informed you. I'm also going to assume the three of you have a very close relationship.

If it were me finding out, I'd write him a note.

"Dear nephew,

"Your mother recently informed me of your recent diagnosis. She reached out to me because she knows how much you mean to me.

I love you dearly and want you to know I wish you the best as you deal with it."

"Love and all that,

"tt816"

Tell his mother so she knows you are informing him this way. Maybe she could deliver the note to him for you.

I would also tell her that, while you understand her needing support, she needs to follow his lead on disclosure. If she's told anyone else, she can't take it back. This has hit her hard, of course, and she's not thinking. She's reacting. This goes for you, too.

You absolutely must not tell anyone that your nephew specifically gives you permission to. The 816 in your ID leads me to believe you are in Missouri. Unless you are in St. Louis or Kansas City, you're probably not living in an area that would treat his status as a non-issue. It would be a betrayal to him to force him to deal with backlash while he is coming to terms with this also.

Your nephew will be fine. You will be fine once you see that HIV is now in the range of a chronic condition that requires maintenance. Thank you for caring about him and seeking ways to help him.

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Author Topic: my nephew is hiv+ (Read 7166 times)