POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: richfinsm on July 20, 2006, 06:31:27 am
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Dear Rich,
I salute your post, and say to you BRAVO !!
YES the Rich we knew had a good heart, but he is not dead yet. Let him come back, invite him back, let him grow again, take small steps , no need to rush.
Your apology is accepted, OK let's move on.
Coming on to say - 'I am sick. I need help. I am questioning EVERYTHING in my life .....' YOU have already begin your healing process. TIME will help, so give it the necessarily delate.
If you need to leave this earth, do so in PEACE ! So find the peace within yourself, maybe, by then , the NEW YOU will not want to go. HEALING needs to come from WITHIN. I am sending you prayers and positive thoughts. I am sure, the people who know you , will definitely join forces with me.
DEAR RICH, REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE, THERE ARE ALOT OF PEOPLE BY YOU.
Siang
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Richie boy,
I have not been posting lately. But I want to now.
I can only applaud this move.
Of all people you met I am surely the one who has been involved with you the most.
I have seen you deteriorate the last 6 months.
But your first steps into a new life are historically set by publicly explaining what is currently happening to you .
It takes a step down from the pulpit to have a good look at yourself.
Friends tell you the truth, that is what friends do.
You can reject them or be smacked in the face by them. It has happened to me, more then once. But as long as you learn from it, it is allright.
You are welcomed back here, by every single one of us, I am sure. Because you publicly admitted something is very wrong. And so we now get a better view of the why's and how's.
HIV has been eating you alive, I know.
So, the new medication will be the first step into your new life.
Richie is a wonderful person. I never doubted that.
You have my empowerment for now, for the future and for Montreal. 381
Hermie: :-*
People come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn.
And we are led, to those who help us most to grow,
if we let them, and we help them in return.
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Good Morning Rich
And, it is a good morning. You and I have never met in person nor on line.
I now know why I was compelled to check in this morning, to offer you the cleanest slate. There is no comparison to be made by me between who you were and who you are. Let me invite you to grasp this perspective. I think if you try to see you from my perspective, it will be remedial.
You are in pain of the worst sort, a blend of physical and mental pain. And the mental pain tends to do double-duty, I believe, it fuels more pain beyond our ability to ascertain. You are trudging backward to things you said, who you were in Toronto and Nashville and anywhere else. I urge you to drop the past. And, drop it fast. I'm going to drop any references to your past.
Today, this moment, is it.
Are you mobile? Can you walk? Could you take a brief walk this morning and take special care to breathe slowly and deeply? Breathing is key to slowing the mind and oxygenating the blood.
Is there a special place you enjoy for coffee? Or eggs served by a waitress you think is friendly? Can you go there? Nourishment of the body is key, too. And, if it's served by someone you know, it nourishes the soul at the same time.
Is there a book you have that you can open for solace or insight? I like Emerson, always have. Perhaps Gibran, the Bible, a book of poems? When you come home, find that book, a window, a chair and have a cup of tea nearby. Pay attention to your breathing. More deep, slow intentional breathing.
After this, I encourage you to put the book down, uncross your legs and arms, close your eyes, and in the silence of your space, allow your mind to do what it wishes. Be an observer of what rolls through, breathe deeply. Try to spend twenty minutes doing this. Don't judge your thoughts, visions, meanderings. Let them roll on through.
And, if there's a way to work this into your days, once a day, you may find a new calm headed your way. Oh, I forgot, while you're out and about, can you pick or purchase a flower or two? A color you like, a blossom shape that catches your eyes? Bring it home and put it in any container you like, whether a vase, or a bowl in which the blossom top may float.
Finally, if you've got some incense, light it and add its fragrance and energy to the air about you.
I will hold you in my morning meditations today.
Em
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OH Em,
So Beautiful !! Beyond words.
Thank you.
Siang
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Rich,
Thank you so much for digging deep down and finding the courage to come back here. In my heart I knew it would happen. I didn't know you in Toronto, or Nashville. The Rich I met was a warm and caring individual. When Trish and I came to see you, we gleaned more inspiration FROM you than you will ever know. Your smiles and humor enlightened us, and the vision of you delving into that piled up plate of Chinese food still brings a smile to my face.
As we have told you, the healing starts from within yourself, and my friend, you have begun that process. You have many life assets that you can share with people all around you. Don't ever forget that. You need to turn that pain into a positive energy that radiates your being. You have that power.
You must come to Montreal. We need to be with the true Rich and feel your love, as much as you need us.
All of us that know you are fortunate. Don't ever take that away from us.
You know you have two people that love you and are a short distance away. We will always be here for you.
Love you my friend,
John
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(((((Rich)))))
Thank you for opening up. Sending love and light your way...
Ann
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Hi Dahlin',
You have no idea how relieved I am that you have come to your senses. I know it wasn't easy to dig deep within yourself and find a solution to getting yourself on the right track. It takes alot of chutzpah to admit when we are wrong... however, your feelings are real and nobody can take that from you. Perhaps you didn't go about things in the right fashion, but for what it's worth, we are human after all and we do make mistakes. Many people reached out to you and you held on for a bit... and then, well, whatever happened happened and that is all in the past. What's most important now is that you are here with us and you are making an effort to effect change. This is good, very good indeed. So, let's just leave the past behind and forge ahead.
I know that I did not call you... but please trust that you have been on my mind and in my heart of late, especially since John & I visited with you last month. I knew in my heart of hearts that you would rise above and heal yourself. It really did need to come from within you and you alone. John & I told you that point blank, but you already knew what needed to be done. There really was nothing more that we could do for you other than just be your friend and love YOU -- the warm-hearted, loving, caring spirit you are. You may have been lost for awhile, but I trusted that you would be okay and come back to us, where you are loved and cared about immensely. And now we have the proof that you can move on with your life, and although there will be painful times along the way, you do have the power within yourself to perservere. Believe in yourself Rich and trust that you are worth being amongst the living. WE ALL ARE.
I believe you have learned a very valuable lesson of late, a lesson that will keep you on your toes. I also believe that once you start your new meds and see a counselor (and I hope you will be doing the LIFE program) that your life and outlook on it will change for the better.
Please take emeraldize's advice... it's all good stuff. Actually, I'm gonna go buy some flowers today, they always make me smile and lift my spirits.
Rich, I love you dearly and would love to hug you right now. But this will have to do for now (((((((((((((((RICH))))))))))))))) And you know what honey? Nothing would make me happier than to see you in Montreal. YOU NEED TO BE THERE... please don't sell yourself short. Many people who are going want to see you, hug you, laugh with you, cry with you and so on. Think about it...it's not too late.
And One more thing -- open up the blinds in that house... let the sunshine in, warm you up and enjoy it, because sitting in the dark is not doing your soul an ounce of good.
All my love to you dear friend.
Trish
(who hopes to see Rich's warm & smiling face in Montreal.)
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Hi Rich - I wish you the best in your journey to heal.
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It's good to hear from you, Rich.
This is not an easy life although it sometimes mistakenly appears as if it is for some. Everyone has their stuff.
I urge you to keep things as simple as possible. It will make your life easier. No kidding.
Focus on getting through each day with as much fun as possible. Yes, fun!
End of unsolicited suggestions.
Cheers,
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Rich,
Sending positive energy, and healing love and light your way. The first step in healing is admitting you have a problem, and the first step is always the hardest!
You're already past that now.
Hugs,
Alan
"I see of world of 'we' today. Not a world of 'us and them' or 'they and me'. I see people who love me just the way I am, just the best they can."
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Hello. You said thoughts, positive energy and prayers and love.
Definitely Rich. Here ya go: :-* :-* :-*
Praying I can definitely do
Nice going :) Honesty and healing go hand in hand
With that said, thank you for your honesty - it inspires me to "own up" to my own not-so-pleasant-whatnots of my past
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Thank you, Thank you, Thank you......
Emerald's instructions would be mine for sure. Especially about treating yourself to a nice flower, sweet, and insence. All of these things should be done for ourselves, for only when we fill our own tanks of need, are we capable of having enough energy to share with others.
OK, Rich, I am going to talk to you like a friend that you know I am. You absolutely must get your butt to Montreal. You need the trip, and you need the healing that we all can give each other.
Next, get yourself into your doctor, or therapist, and ask for a "de-tox". I think you are, and have been for a long time, filling your body with too many different substances. You might have to be placed into a hospital for this, and it wouldn't be a bad idea, but you must clear your system of all these different substances that might be contributing to your foggy confusion. I have felt this way since I met you, but this is the first opportunity that I have been able to state this feeling, because of your defensive posture of the past. You wouldn't possibly have any connection to the Rich that you relate to that is kind and loving, because of the chemistry that is going on in your brain. This may not be the answer, but please pursue it and see if you cannot get someone to help find the solution to this puzzle. I don't blame you for having such confusing emotions, you are so drugged up that you probably are unable to see clearly any way out. There is a way, and we are here to help, and to hold your hand till you come to some peace about this very disturbing situation you are in.
I Love you Rich, and I thank you for letting us in on some of your demons and some of the reasons you are having such a lack of focus these days.
In Love and Concern.
(I better see you in Montreal, as your healing has to start with some positive step from you)
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Rich,
My thoughts are with you in this healing process and I will send you as much positive energy as I can muster to help you along the way.
(((((((BIG HUG)))))))
Mark
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Rich,
When I met you in Toronto, I knew I had met someone very special, there was no doubt in that. When you came to Nashville, and you and Herman stayed at the house, you were no longer just special, you became my friend. Both of you were with me when I took my first dose of medication, and you listened to my fears of, and desires for the future.
Do you remember when you, Herman, Lestat, and myself went walking through the woods? We laughed, cried, talked, shared memories, and goals........we really got to know each other, and care for the well being of one another. That is what a friend does.
I love you Rich, and always will, but yes, you need help, and I am proud of you for reaching out! I refuse to believe you are lost! Rich is still here!
You are sort of like an onion darlin. You have many layers, sometimes they are peeled away, and sometimes they are left intact. Sometimes they are diced into many little pieces, or quartered, boiled, fried.....whatever. But no matter what, it remains an onion! You may make us cry sometimes, but we love you for your flavor!!!
A little corny perhaps, but I know you will understand what I mean, and Rich, as you know, I could give a damn less whether anyone else "gets it" or not. LOL
Call me baby, and if you need a little break, come on down, I have plenty of room. Just be careful pulling in the driveway!! Haha.
Brian
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Dear, dear Rich...
I am thinking of you right now and imagining you surrounded by the whitest of all white light, infused with inner peace, and all the spirits of healing gently laying their hands upon you.
I love you.
It's simple.
All true.
Kisses,
Zephie :-*
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i love you Rich... i wish i could give you a hug... please dont give up....
lisbeth
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I will still welcome you in montreal if you choose to attend and I will put that in the past.
AMG is about friends getting together and living with hiv. The good, the bad, the ugly. Sometimes it does get ugly (hell, i've even been 'suspended' here from the forums once before). Ugly is never pretty, but we do understand. I think we all go through it to some degree at times.
I just want you to know that I think you should attend the amg and I will give you a big hug up there (if you let me)
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I am glad you're on the way out of the dark long tunnel.
Be well Rich.
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Dearest Rich
The Rich I met in Toronto was a good, caring and compassionate young man, and he still is and always will be to me.
Anger always follows pain and things are said that are never really meant to hurt, but we do it anyway..and we have all done it at one time or another.
You do need to get help with this, and admitting you need help is a huge step in the right direction...I love you Teddy and I hope to see you in Montreal.
((((hugs))))
Jan :-*
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...life is SHIT
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Rich,
I admire your strenght in this.
You know I knew.
There was no other way for me in this.
But now for you : walk on the rainbow, and know that there is a beautiful other isde. May we meet there.
Hermie 381 :'(
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Rich
Thanks for coming back with such an honest and thoughtful post letting us know what is going on.
As Andy said, keep things simple and take one step at a time. And as Moffie so correctly observed you must get help for yourself and the prescription addiction.
Please make that your first priority. It truly is the first step you must take, everything else will have to wait until after, it will be the key that unlocks the door to the world/life you deserve and must reclaim.
I wish you peace, I will pray for your recovery, and I again thank you for honest post.
RAB
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We were concerned about you Rich and it is good that you have rationalized things out now, things will get better from this point on, you shall see.
Take care and keep on truckin', Jody
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Rich,
I don't know you very good but i admire what you are doing. It takes a big person to admit they have a problem and then do something about it.
Sending you good thoughts and wishing you the best!
Big Hugs
Teresa
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rich, I don't usually get teary eyed but reading your recent response brought me there. Not necessarily what you said, but that I saw so much of me in what you said and are going through. I, on far too often an occasion, have also lashed out here. hell, I think we could all use a lifetime of therapy and help for our addictions, mine being alcohol.
I will talk to my counselor on 8-3 about this and other issues. I will get the help I need. I want to get back to my old, loving self. Or should I say, "Find my new self." Yes, I want to find my new and real self. I've never known who that side of Rich is. I've always hidden behind humor, practical jokes, prescription drugs, alcohol when in my 20s, anger, lashing out at others, blaming others...you name it.
That hit home for me. Thankyou for saying what I couldn't about myself.
PS: I've kept your song on the cd and if you can't make it, i'd be happy to mail it to you :)
with love,
Bailey
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Dear Rich,
I don't know you -- I'm relatively new here -- but, gosh, I know the immense strength and courage it takes, when in pain, to write what you've written here, and to start taking the steps you need to take.
I've been on my share of psychotropics over the last 11 years. I wouldn't say that I have treatment-resistant depression but it's been tricky to manage sometimes; usually, after a month or two of excruciating mental pain (for no discernible reason), I've succeeded in driving depression back, keeping it at bay. And if a certain drug isn't working after giving it a fair trial (two to three months, increasing doses gradually if there's no initial response), I don't see any reason for staying on it. Treatment-resistant depression can be tough to treat, but that does NOT mean it's untreatable.
You have many friends here, add me to the list. I'm here to listen, share my experiences, offer tentative advice if you should ever want. And: August 2nd and 3rd -- not too far away from now.
Jay
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Ya know Richie.........I've found some of the coolest shit digging in around other peoples garbage. ;)
If you get your scrawny little ass to Montreal, I'll push your wheelchair. Deal? ;D
Gigantic kisses for your soul tonite, my friend.
Cyber hug for now, til we meet again. :-*
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Rich
Hi again buddy! :)
Whether you elect to come to Montreal or not is something that only you can decide.
If you do come I am confident that you will be greeted with affection, understanding, and lots of "hugs" and "kisses". I know I will be among those who will offer that to you.
I think the more important queston right now though, is what is best for Rich? That has got to be the focus of your thoughts.
To be perfectly honest my friend, the challenges you face can not be overcome (or for that matter even adequately acknowledged) by a "hug" and a "kiss".
The most important thing for you to consider is your overall health.
Until and when you effectively begin to treat the biggest challenge before you ( i.e. your admitted addiction to pain medication. And let's be honest you are on some very serious shit, and have been for far too long.) then every other choice, every other activity, literally everything else will only be a delay.
Again, I would encourage you to take Moffie's advice and get yourself into a treatment program and do it, not after Montreal, not after your first appointment with a counselor, but NOW.
I admire and respect you Rich. I want nothing but the best for you.
I just think it's important to state clearly how important it is you look realistically at your priorities.
Whether I have the chance to see you in Montreal this year, or at some future gathering, I want nothing but the best for you.
RAB
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Dear Rich,
It takes big man to admit that he has an additive problem. And it takes an even bigger man to be ready to seek the help that he needs to overcome this problem. You are this sort of man. This path is one that is so easy to fall victim to and one that is very hard to overpower without help.
You need to get the help that you are primed to accept and this course should be your primary goal. Put Montreal on the back burner, there will be other AMGs, those where we will all share time with the "Huggie Bear" we all know and love.
We want you back! We pray for your complete and rapid recovery. Your frends will stand with you through your journey to recovery.
All our love always, Ric and Thom
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Rich glad to see you have come back to your AM family we have really missed you. Hope you are still going to Montreal. This gathering should be much better than our short visit when we meet in Nashville.
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Hello Rich it is Eldon. I am relatively new to the forums. I admire the fact that you came back with honesty and self-realization. TIME will heal those wounds. I'm glad that you are back here with us in the family.
Eldon
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Hey buddy,
You are at the beginning of a long trek. Stay the course, and for what it is worth, you would have done the same for us.......
Be well my friend
John
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Something is happening in my brain that I do not understand.
Hi Rich,
We don't know each other, and I have no idea what preceded your post in this thread. Your words sound sincere to me, and also a little frightening. I remember when I got really sick with HIV about four years ago. Of course I wasn't on any meds at the time, but the virus was eating at white matter in my brain and spine. I was losing motor function, balance, speech and handwriting abilities, and worst of all, the ability for sound and rational thinking. I was baffled when people would question if I was drinking again.
If you haven’t yet, I would encourage you to investigate this possibility with your doctors.
I really admire you for coming forth and being so candid about what’s going on in your life. That took courage. Now you only need to forgive yourself. All the best in recovering from the drug abuse.
Daniel
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Love you Teddy Bear!
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Dearest Rich,
I know how difficult it is to admit you have a substance abuse problem, but the first part of any healing begins when you admit you have a problem. So now you have admitted it and it brings real clarity to your actions over the past year. I've been there, done that and realize how difficult of a road you have ahead of you.
Rich, I know you can beat this because the man I met in Toronto had just too much compassion and love to allow some stupid drug to ruin his life. You've apologized for your actions and I accept it happily, knowing that the hatred that you espoused in the past was just your way of dealing with it all. It's not for me to judge what you did, but you've taken ownership of it all and so for me, it all ends here.
I just want you to know that you may contact me at any time if you believe that I can be of help. You have a difficult journey ahead, but please don't forget the family you have here. I also encourage you to come to Montreal because you need some major healing and what better environment than to be surrounded by your friends. No matter what you decide, you have my support.
Again, I know you can do this, so please let us help.
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Rich,
Wishing you the best of Luck!! :-*
I know you will find the strength you need to take it one day at a time.
That is all any of us can do.
Hugs,
Mike
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{RICH}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am thinking of you... I hope you can make it to Montreal.
Love,
Dan