Author Topic: I need you... (Read 6476 times)

ndrew · « **on:** December 01, 2006, 11:37:42 pm »

I have been doin' good with my Atripla, workin' out, job stuff (well it has been challenging...) and been even going on dates and disclosing to a partner (safe sex!)...

But I feel exhausted right now, maybe getting sick, COLD weather. I woke up this morning and tried to finish some work on a deadline and felt like a fog, couldn't focus... I feel like I have been fighting everywhere. I feel like everywhere I go there is people, politics and struggles of power... my work, relationships and even here on the forums.

Here it is in all its infantile honesty-

I am scared. I feel alone tonight. Maybe it is Friday night and the end of a long week, but I feel empty and I don't know where I am going. Tonight my dirty laundry and the dishes in the sink want to swallow me...

Where are we going my friends? What are we doing?

I wish I could hold your hands. I wish I could hear your voices. What do you do when you just don't feel like being strong?

Sorry for being a baby... I know this will pass...
Drew

RobT · « **Reply #1 on:** December 01, 2006, 11:41:59 pm »

Drew-
Have u just started ur meds? It sounds just like I was feeling when I began mine. Constantly in a fog and feeling lonely. Keep looking on the bright side, it'll pass. What I did was keep myself busy, I was constantly cleaning. It was a combination of my just beginning HAART, my OCD, or a combo of the two.

RobT

Eldon · « **Reply #2 on:** December 01, 2006, 11:52:44 pm »

Hey Drew,

Robert has a very valid point. Also, due to the current events that have taken place in your life over the past few weeks has been quite a challenge and it is a clear indication for you to slow it down for a little bit and rest to recharge. Yes, rest to recharge.

Andrew...You are your safe place, and you are your safe person. Clear your mind and take some quality time out to focus on you. A good way you can do this would be through an effective meditation.

For more information on this you can PM me.

In the meantime, rest and recharge.

Take care of YOU buddy.

Happy Holidays!

wellington · « **Reply #3 on:** December 02, 2006, 12:53:02 am »

You find someone to hug, even if it's virtual. *HUG* Tell me when you want me to stop

tryingforhope · « **Reply #4 on:** December 02, 2006, 01:00:51 am »

I am here with you but my dishes are trying to swallow me too!

Jeffreyj · « **Reply #5 on:** December 02, 2006, 02:56:45 am »

Drew,
Steady as she goes. Take one day at a time, hell one hour if need be. Things will get better. Hang in there!

sweetasmeli · « **Reply #6 on:** December 02, 2006, 03:12:46 am »

Drew
I hope today is a better day for you.
I'm only a pm away if you want to talk.
Healing hugs
Melia

Longislander · « **Reply #7 on:** December 02, 2006, 03:54:06 am »

Quote

I am scared. I feel alone tonight. Maybe it is Friday night and the end of a long week, but I feel empty and I don't know where I am going. Tonight my dirty laundry and the dishes in the sink want to swallow me...

Where are we going my friends? What are we doing?

I wish I could hold your hands. I wish I could hear your voices. What do you do when you just don't feel like being strong?

Drew, I'm not on meds, but I feel this way every Friday/Saturday night. I usually log in to AM and read the posts. Sometimes there something cute that makes me smile. Sometimes not, and I wonder where all you guys are.

I hope this is fleeting for you, and things feel more normal again come Monday morning.

chemistry001 · « **Reply #8 on:** December 02, 2006, 04:48:21 am »

Drew

For me, I went to bed, curled up and had a bloody good cry, I've only cried the once since this roller coaster began but it was needed at that time and when i woke up, i went out and met friends and started to be thankful for the small things that enrich my life.

We all feel like you do, your not alone, but as you said it will pass. Don't feel down about it as its a stage where you will move on from this and come out the other side a more positive person. Just ask for a virtual hug on here and you will find you are smothered.

Chin up, put that smile back on your face and watch the world smile with you

Much Love
Paul xXx

anniebc · « **Reply #9 on:** December 02, 2006, 05:26:39 am »

Hi Drew

I just wanted to send you some (((hugs))) from NZ.

Thinking of you
Jan

gvolts5 · « **Reply #10 on:** December 02, 2006, 05:39:39 am »

Let us know what you did.

John

poet · « **Reply #11 on:** December 02, 2006, 06:18:32 am »

Hey Drew. 'Dr.' Win the poet will see if he can 'read' what you have posted since that's what poets do:

I have been doin' good with my Atripla, workin' out, job stuff (well it has been challenging...) and been even going on dates and disclosing to a partner (safe sex!)... (Ok, so from this I am getting that you feel and should feel that having done all the things that we are 'supposed' to do, from being healthy to taking meds to, that really, really difficult thing, disclosing, you should get a reward for being 'good.' So would most of us, if we are positive people. But...)

But I feel exhausted right now, maybe getting sick, COLD weather. I woke up this morning and tried to finish some work on a deadline and felt like a fog, couldn't focus... I feel like I have been fighting everywhere. I feel like everywhere I go there is people, politics and struggles of power... my work, relationships and even here on the forums. (You may be under the unique fog of Sustiva in your Atripla. There are still days- I have been taking it at night only for years now- that I wake and panic that I took it again in the morning, I can't seem to break out of the drug. Or wonder whether some of the pills have the drug, hence the side effects, and most of them don't.

There is the seasonal shift which leads lot's of people to feeling down, the bright lights and cheery faces driving us farther and farther downward. And, let's face it, we are always struggling, struggling to keep on schedule with meds, to keep up with others.)

Here it is in all its infantile honesty-

I am scared. I feel alone tonight. Maybe it is Friday night and the end of a long week, but I feel empty and I don't know where I am going. Tonight my dirty laundry and the dishes in the sink want to swallow me... (You are honest here and there is nothing infantile about it. You are, as many of us are from time to time, scared about what we are reading in posts from others. Could this be us? And being alone, especially on a weekend- Friday party- night makes us feel even more alone. If you feel, as you seem to, that you are doing everything that you are supposed to do, you would also feel that this would give you a sense of direction. But not so. Direction is where you want to go. If you are alone, you can't even bounce this off friends.)

Where are we going my friends? What are we doing?

I wish I could hold your hands. I wish I could hear your voices. What do you do when you just don't feel like being strong? ( said this, more or less, to someone I am enjoying getting to know in a state far from MA. I wish that I could, former masseur that I have been, send the power of touch to him, touch him, hold his hands, reconnect him with his body, make him feel whole again. Not that he is at a point like yours, but because it's a real human need to feel physically connected to another... and not alone.... and not lost.)

Sorry for being a baby... I know this will pass...
Drew

Bottom line? It will pass, you are right. And we will all be here for you and the next person in our 'group' who feels like this. Even if we aren't 'there' at the time, because we are sound asleep in our time zone. We will be there the next morning. So know this. So feel this. Win

AtomicA · « **Reply #12 on:** December 02, 2006, 06:23:50 am »

I went out to the bar in a racy little sleeveless shirt and got bombed. Not the best option of course but sometimes just being in a room full of real people that you have *something* in common with helps.

Odd question, but have you ever tried growing orchids? They don't bark, they don't shit, they require no cleaning and unlike every other houseplant they require enough ongoing care to actually develop a personality (at least in your mind anyway). There are nights where I feel like you and all I can do is water mine and stare at them for hours. They don't change much day by day but when you invest alot of energy into something that requires patience and care for the brief payoff every year when they flower... well it makes the nights when you are alone fell less pointless, almost like you are waiting for something incredible to happen. It's like they give you something to look forward to.

Hang in there... My sustiva fog is just starting to clear and I've been on it for 2 months. it's only been the past week that every little thing did not feel like wading through mollasses.

ndrew · « **Reply #13 on:** December 02, 2006, 11:13:28 pm »

Thank you everyone. I listened to music, cried, read (and posted) poems I wrote just before moving to the midwest, took a sleeping pill and slept last night. I feel better today.

One day at a time...

Thank you for the love and support...

Drew

allopathicholistic · « **Reply #14 on:** December 02, 2006, 11:20:10 pm »

Quote from: ndrew on December 01, 2006, 11:37:42 pm

Sorry for being a baby... I know this will pass...
Drew

Yes, it will. You needn't apologize sweety. Sending love from New York

jntmax39 · « **Reply #15 on:** December 03, 2006, 02:04:33 am »

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY TO YOU ALL HOW GREAT I THINK YOU GUYS ARE.
EVERTIME I COME ON HERE I READ EVERYONES POST AND YOU ALL MOVE ME TO TEARS.
JUST WHEN I START TO THINK THAT THE WORLD AND THE PEOPLE IN IT ARE HEARTLESS YOU ALL PROVE ME WRONG EVERYTIME.
MUCH LOVE
JANET

joemutt · « **Reply #16 on:** December 03, 2006, 04:06:27 am »

When I feel absolutely low
I remember I have at least felt as bad as that before,
and that my fear is most often bigger than what I fear itself,
I think that when you accomplished things and are doing well,
as you tell us in the beginning of your post,
your mind will try to pull you back;
'what if what I accomplished and feel good about isn't for real?'
Anyway Drew, i'm glad you brought it up
because I sometimes feel like this too (though less often)
you could try to befriend the loneliness;
I felt doing manual things like preparing food or do some washing
or taking care of/pampering myself
can take me out of this feeling more quickly than shopping, eating etc.
Hope you had a beautiful weekend.

heartforyou · « **Reply #17 on:** December 03, 2006, 04:27:15 am »

Hey Drew,

I am with you.
You story sounds familiar.

Realising that your present situation isn't going to last may help you.
Writing about it on the Forum may very well do the job.
Ever thought of getting a pet??

As for the meds : YES!YES!YES! They do cause similar moods. If they get too strong talk about it to your doc .
You may need a change or some anti- depressant.

As Joemutt said :

Quote

I remember I have at least felt as bad as that before,
and that my fear is most often bigger than what I fear itself,

Drew, I am sending you a "woombly" warm hug of energy. That can travel anywhere through space and some Reiki as well.

Feel the warmth .

Hug
Hermie

DanielMark · « **Reply #18 on:** December 03, 2006, 06:05:46 am »

Nothing lasts forever, Drew. Not the highs and not the lows.

It might help to remember that every human being gets their share of both.

(((HUG)))

Daniel

aztecan · « **Reply #19 on:** December 03, 2006, 11:31:22 am »

Hey Drew,

Here's another (((((((BIG HUG))))))) from the frigid Colorado Plateau of Northwest New Mexico.

You aren't alone.

HUGS,

Mark

(Who believes you can never have too many hugs.)

RevMC · « **Reply #20 on:** December 03, 2006, 01:02:58 pm »

Drew, We need you too!

HUGS HUGS and more HUGS (and anything else you may need to smile and feel better).

No meds for me yet, but with everything going on in my life right now, dishes and laundry always feel like they are going to swallow me up.

Hang in there hon, you'll be fine. I see you posted you listened to music, other fun stuff, took a pill and got a good night sleep. I too listen to music and do some meditations when I'm feeling this way. Always helps. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

Love and Light,

Rev. Michael

newt · « **Reply #21 on:** December 03, 2006, 02:00:19 pm »

"felt like a fog, couldn't focus"

Hugs. work n season aside (which is all valid reasons to feel scared etc) have you considered the Sustiva in Atripla may be affecting your mood?

- matt

Now playing: Ross/ Streisand, No More Tears

red_Dragon888 · « **Reply #22 on:** December 03, 2006, 07:34:01 pm »

You are not a baby. You are just going through a tough time. I feel that way at times and it drives me crazy. It is hard to give advice cause if you are in it, it is hard to did yourself out. Just try to stay positive and make contact if that helps. Call on a hot line and talk to someone. It will help to ease the pain.

Life · « **Reply #23 on:** December 03, 2006, 07:59:58 pm »

Drew... If I could tell you "go south at the 300ft pine, head north for 3 clicks then when you see the lake head, turn south until you come to the mouth of the canyon" that this is the way out for you Drew. Well there really is no map per sa. Drew, you know something is up. You know something aint right.. Your on track my friend... In the meantime, know many of us are on that same path as you and by no means are you unique to this "feeling".... Als I can do is ofer you my hand, me pressing against you in a good old fashion hug, and a kiss.... It's gonna clear up sweetie...

Love

northernguy · « **Reply #24 on:** December 03, 2006, 09:22:21 pm »

Hang in there! You never know when those feelings will sweep over you, but they don't last.

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Author Topic: I need you... (Read 6476 times)