New relationship with HIV (denier?)

[Iamso_]

So I've been dating this guy for about four months now. I got tested just before we got together. Negative. I had to drag him in last month because it's been awhile for him and he seemed anxious when I brought up the idea. Turns out he's positive.  I tested again and I'm fine which seems to be his only worry. Now he is telling me that he won't take any meds (very adament he will not ever take drugs)and he doesn't even believe in HIV really, he thinks he can defeat this all on his own. He even said that it might be made up by doctors and drug companies like a scam. He doesn't want to tell ANYONE ever...  I was so so mad when he told me all this and we spent some time apart. Now I'm back because I really do love him. But, I'm not sure what to do... he hasnt been to a doc yet to test his viral load or cd4 count. He isn't sure how long he's had it for. never mind drugs for now .  Now we are starting to get intimate again as well , my only q. is about oral, do we really need to use condoms for that because that's just really weird to me the thought of sucking on some piece of plastic?  I'm also kind of really worried about myself getting it despite being very careful. I want to get tested again now (it's only been a month remember) and I'm going to the doc in a few minutes to tell her all this.  I just feel really alone in this right now  I'll just have to bring it up w him againbut I feel like such a downer being the only one that wants to talk about it. He cried a lot both times we have talked about it. I'm trying to be patient but I just end up getting mad when he says those things, I feel like he just doesn't want to face it at all. I know getting mad won't help but I'm just worried right!? I  don't want to tell my friends about it if he's not comfortable telling anyone?? Ahh so many q.s

[mecch]

Hmm, very complicated situation!

My first impression is that you need to step back, get firmly planted in your own boundaries with this relationship, and then go from there. 

HIV denialism - especially by an HIV+ person, is a twisted and stubborn mind set.  Accordingly, you are going to have to be stronger than this person, because in fact you are - you are grounded in reality.

That means that the relation will be a special one - and this whether or not it is friendship or lovers.  Its going to challenge you.

By the way, since he is newly diagnosed, you might not have the best estimation on how stubborn the denialism is - this may be a defense mechanism that might eventually subside.

He's lucky to have you. 

I'll let other people address your safe-sex concerns.

[WillyWump]

As Mecch said the " I can beat it" may be a defense mechanism, at least I hope so.

If it's not just a temporary issue and he becomes more radicalized and becomes a true Denialist, then frankly, I'm wondering why you would want to put yourself through watching someone you love die. Do you really want to commit the time and energy to someone who will not take care of himself? 

I think the above discussion needs to be brought up between you and him, sooner and not later.

I'm sorry if this came off harsh. But keep in mind it's only my opinion.

-Will

[CaptCarl]

   Unfortunately, we've seen this before around here, and it never ends well for the HIV denier. Sounds like your BF needs to get into some kind of counselling, and soon. If he refuses, I would say to step away and assess the situation. Do you love this person enough to sit there and watch him die from his own stubborness/stupidity? Because if he still refuses treatment, that is what it will come down to, and you will be the one to pick up the pieces afterward.
   Good luck to the both of you. You may wish to get your BF onto this site, so he can stat getting the info he needs. It's a good place, with a lot of good people who will help the both of you.

CaptCarl

[danitheches]

It sounds to me like he knew or had an idea he may have this, which is very common for those in denial.  Personally I would be wary b/c if he's denying this and has this type of mindset, what else is he in denial about?  Not just medically speaking, but financially, legally, etc.  At least try and convince him to get an initial work up to get staged and get tested for other STD's.  HIV sometimes comes with other STD's that you can get from unprotected oral sex such as HPV, HSV, syphilis and gonorrhea.  It is your decision to make and your comfort level of what you can live with.  Good luck!