new to hiv

[belief]

hi all,

my first test came back positive on the 19th...and it was confirmed on the 26th.  there are 1000 different emotions/thoughts/feelings going through my body and mind at this time and the hardest thing for me right now is to plain old - function.  i think i am more or less freaking out.   i still do not have any of my CD4 counts or my viral load.  i will be meeting with an ID doctor next week sometime.  i am so extremely tired lately...i'm not sure if it's due to the stress or the anxiety or because of this virus.  i really cannot believe that this is my life...it's like i'm just watching a movie or maybe even dreaming and sooner or later i'm going to wake up and all of this will go away.

basically...and i know this may not be pertenent information to anyone, but i need to vent as i do not have any outlets at this time.  so as i was saying, basically, i'm 27 years old and am on my way to being a single mother of a 4 year old.  i am going through a divorce at this very time i find out that i'm hiv positive.  i can't even fathom this.  how does this happen?  i've slept with 7, yes 7 men ever in my entire life!  Ahhh!  seriously.  this isn't right.  i did not get this from my soon to be ex-husband, but another man...and even though my husband is the ass - i'm the one who's sick.  how in the h**l am i going to be a single mother with hiv...my son is always sick.  does this mean i'm always going to be sick?  how am i going to take care of him?  i'm so sad/worried/scared that my life will never again feel stable or normal.  i really want to get married again and have a fantastic relationship with a loving husband and even have more kids - but right now, i don't feel like any of that is possible and i'm just so upset with myself for putting myself - and my son for that matter - in this position. 

anyway, that's me.  i'm really struggling right now and have been reading this sight over the past few weeks as i waited for my results.  and now here i am.  i'm hoping that as time continues to move forward i'll be able to accept things as they now are...but i'm just not sure how.

[xyahka]

Hi sweetheart, hey.. i know how you feel i am 29 and recently diagnosed too. Well... i know how it feels for you and how it sounds.... i just can tell you something... IT ALL WILL TURN OUT OK. I swear!! You will see.

The only thing you need to do now is relax, pay attention to Dr advises and let me tell you... life won't be that different, off course with the time you will have to be careful of having everything clean, feed yourself right, and all that... but come on, mothers always do so As for your son, you will see he will grow ok!. Just wondering if you have made hiv test to him....or if you were tested for hiv before giving him to light (not sure if that expression is right... i am latin, excuse me). It would always be good to make a test in case you haven't and if your doctor thinks it is right. Although let me tell you.... with hiv or not... your son will be the same and you will be same mother as all others... that won't change that much.

Relax a bit, if you believe in God, meditate and pray to him and ask him to let you see what is all this for, and to give you the strengh of going forward. There is a lesson behind all, and i know you don't deserve this... none does, but perhaps just strong souls like yours are the only able to face this and overcome it. There is a goal for your life and believe me... hiv or not.... you can still make all your dreams come true. I have met several people who are hiv poz and are married happily with non poz guys, so don't worry.

Here you have found a new extended family and we will be here for you whenever you need us!!

[dingowarrior]

Hi belief,
well, first off,I'm glad you found this forum. you will come to find the people here are exceptional, and very very helpful when it comes to answer alot if not basically all your question concerning HIV.
There is really no way around the fear and anxiety that comes with learning that you have this virus. However,there is a way of dealing with it,and that's by doing what your doing now which is posting your feelings and venting your concerns.
I am 38 and i was diagnosed last year. I had just gotten married and Had baby boy,bought a new house and life was grand,then I got the news from my doctor after a routine physical,I remember when my doctor call me at home and asked me to come in to discuss my physical report.I thought she was going to tell me I had high cholesterol are something.I walked in with my the 6 month old son and she told me I was HIV pos.
Holy crap,did my world ever come crashing down.I didn't know anything about HIV.I thought my time on earth was now limited and I'll never see my son grow up.Not to mention having to tell my wife.God,is this how it ends I cried.
Well, that was a year ago and I have learned threw my I.D. doctor and the wonderful and knowledgeable people on this forum,that life is far from over.I'm now undetectable and feel great.If it wasn't for my daily pill popping,I'd never know I had this damn thing.Its SO not like it used to be.Especially in this country.Meds (if you need them now)will keep you alive and YOU WILL have a normal life span.It will be a rough few months adjusting to this news,but YOU WILL get threw it. You'll find that this disease tends to be harder to deal with mentally than physically.Think about your child any threw your child you will draw strength that will keep you going.THERE IS NO OTHER WAY.YOU ARE A MOTHER,YOUR BABY NEEDS YOU!
stay strong,come here and post and ask any and anything.This forum can be very therapeutic.
Best of luck and KNOW that life will go on.YOU WILL CONTROL THIS VIRUS,IT WILL NOT CONTROL YOU.

ALL THE BEST
DINGOWARRIOR

[belief]

thank you both for your kind words and encouragement...this is definitely the place for me to be.  i have not told anyone of my recent diagnosis...and i don't plan to at this point as i've already got so much drama in my life.  no one needs to hear more coming from me. 

i'm really trying to put my son first in all of this and i want to be strong for him...and i know i will get through this.  but gosh...there are definitely moments where i feel like i'm not going to be able to do this.  like this weekend.  it was my first weekend really knowing i am hiv positive.  i was alone.  all weekend.  my son was with his father and i was here by myself.  it was so difficult.  i tried to keep busy, but all i really wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep...

dingowarrior...may i ask if your wife was understanding of your positive status?  i know my soon to be ex-husband would freak out completely...he'd probably try to take my son from me.

xyahka...thank you for your kindness.  you are both in my prayers.

[Dragonette]

Hi there,

Well I can see that you are shellshocked and this is so very recent. I am 33 y/o and diagnosed less than a year & a half ago, single with no children, lost a relationship over being poz and found an infinately better one.

I won't lie to you, having HIV is no picnic. But it is not the end. You can have a happy, long, fulfilling life. You can find love again. You can work. You can be a great mother. I am happier since being diagnosed than I have ever been (not because of the diagnosis, but the diagnosis didn't stop good things from happening). I am also more sad, confused, emotional, worried, than I have ever been. This may sound like a contradiction but it's not. Whatever you are feeling is OK. Life didn't deal us the cards we wanted, but we can play with the cards we have.

Sending you hugs & strength from the Netherlands. Drop by the women's forum sometime.........

[resilientboy]

  I totally understand you and I want you to know that know what you are going through.  Know that it is best to know now than to have let it progress.  For this reason I want to share my story with you.

  I was a gay male living in Los Angeles CA.  Let me start off with some background information.  I was sexually abused at a very young age and in my opinion that really impaired my self-esteem and sexual development.  It is my belief that my abuse ignited my sexual drive at a very early age.  I began having sex at the age of 13.  Like most adolescents I believed I was invincible and that nothing could ever go wrong.  I was aware of the risks, but sometimes during the act I did not seem to care enough to stop what I was doing. Soon after turning 18 I decided to get tested because it had been 2 years since my last test.  My best friend and I went to a local clinic.  That morning we showered and tried to look our best, unaware of what the day had in store for me.  When we got to the clinic we checked in and sat down, they gave me a number with which they would use to identify me.  We waited for what seemed like an eternity.  While we waited we were joking and talking about a party we wanted to attend, all unbeknownst to what lurked in my bloodstream.  Finally the called out my number and I stand up and say "That's me."  So my friend says, "Good luck."
  So I walked down the hall with this cute guy who who was the one to administer the test.  The test I took was fairly new to the market.  So we step into the office and he explains the procedure.  He then took my hand and disinfected my finger, he pricked the tip and took the drop of blood and applied it to a test strip, he then took the test and dipped it in some solution.  I was then escorted back to the waiting room where I waited for what seemed another eternity.  Finally a man steps into the room again and called my number out again.  I stood up and walked towards the door, he then walked ahead of me, down the hall and back towards his office.  He made no eye contact and said nothing to me as we walked towards the room his office.  Once in his office he told me to shut the door behind me and take a seat.  As soon as I sat down he looked me in the eyes and said, "Your test results.... came back, positive."  I started to laugh, I was nervous, there was no way this could be happening to me.  I said, "I said this can't be happening."  He just stared at me.  I felt helpless.  When those words blasphemous words came out of his mouth I FELT NOTHING, I FELT MY WORTH AS A HUMAN WAS STRIPPED FROM ME, AND IN MY OPINION I WAS JUST ANOTHER STATISTIC LOST AMONGST THE MILLIONS OF OTHERS.  It took me a while for me to process the news I had just received.  I spent about 45 minutes to gather myself.  Surprisingly I did not cry at the moment.  I then had them call my friend in so I can give her the devastating news.  When I told her I had a nurse in the room with me, for support.  She thought I was kidding, she said, "Stop lying!"  I then asked for a moment of privacy between her and I.  Once the nurse walked out I said, "I'm so scared! I don't know what to do.", and I cried for about 30 seconds.  Once we were ready to leave I asked if we could be let out through the back door.  I was affraid people would read the expression on my face and know that something had gone wrong.  A month went by until I finally decided to tell my parents.  My Mother, of course, was devastated that this could happen to her only child.  She is my number one supporter.  I love her so much; this has strengthened our relationship so much.  It has been 3 years since that day and I am now 21.  I don't believe God is punishing me for something have done wrong in my life.  It has been hard for me but I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it just seems to dim at times. lol
  I honestly from the bottom of my heart wish you and your son the best.  I hope that this doesn't get you down, but rather helps you in understanding how we cope with these kinds of situations, also know that you can live a long life.  It's all up to you.  Bless you!

[dingowarrior]

thank you both for your kind words and encouragement...this is definitely the place for me to be.  i have not told anyone of my recent diagnosis...and i don't plan to at this point as i've already got so much drama in my life.  no one needs to hear more coming from me. 

i'm really trying to put my son first in all of this and i want to be strong for him...and i know i will get through this.  but gosh...there are definitely moments where i feel like i'm not going to be able to do this.  like this weekend.  it was my first weekend really knowing i am hiv positive.  i was alone.  all weekend.  my son was with his father and i was here by myself.  it was so difficult.  i tried to keep busy, but all i really wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep...

dingowarrior...may i ask if your wife was understanding of your positive status?  i know my soon to be ex-husband would freak out completely...he'd probably try to take my son from me.

xyahka...thank you for your kindness.  you are both in my prayers.

HEY BELIEF,
I GOTTA SAY, I'M THE LUCKIEST GUY IN THE WORLD WHEN IT COMES TO HER..Yes, she has been incredible and very supportive.
She is the only person in the world beside my doctor who knows. you do not have to say anything to anybody. you will learn to deal in time, please trust me.
i cant say whether or not to tell your ex. thats up to you. I trust and hope you sincerely think about it before you come to that decision.
Also, i'll share something with you and whoever reads this post. My wife and I had what they call a spermwashing procedure done ,what that is it cleans my sperm and washes away all the hiv.(its a bit more tech.but i digress) and they put my washed sperm in her.INVITRO.
This protect her from contracting hiv. well I'm happy to report that we found out today that it worked and we are having a baby!
So,belief, please believe me,and others..there is hope and light at the end..hang in there..the days will get brighter. It never rains forever.

[Esquare]

well I'm happy to report that we found out today that it worked and we are having a baby!

Congratulations! That is wonderful news man.

[belief]

HEY BELIEF,
I GOTTA SAY, I'M THE LUCKIEST GUY IN THE WORLD WHEN IT COMES TO HER..Yes, she has been incredible and very supportive.
She is the only person in the world beside my doctor who knows. you do not have to say anything to anybody. you will learn to deal in time, please trust me.
i cant say whether or not to tell your ex. thats up to you. I trust and hope you sincerely think about it before you come to that decision.
Also, i'll share something with you and whoever reads this post. My wife and I had what they call a spermwashing procedure done ,what that is it cleans my sperm and washes away all the hiv.(its a bit more tech.but i digress) and they put my washed sperm in her.INVITRO.
This protect her from contracting hiv. well I'm happy to report that we found out today that it worked and we are having a baby!
So,belief, please believe me,and others..there is hope and light at the end..hang in there..the days will get brighter. It never rains forever.

dingowarrior...i am SO excited for you and for your wife!  what exciting news - a baby!  it really gives me such a wonderful feeling...i'm really happy for you.  your wife must be an amazing woman...you are lucky to have each other.

and you're right...it never rains forever.  i know things will get better - and getting out of the relationship i was in was only one small step in the right direction.  i need now to focus on me and my dreams, they will come true.  i know they will.

btw...i've decided not to tell my ex.  i don't think it would be right.

[milker]

Dingo this is great news!!!!!!

Belief you will have ups and downs about this disclosure thing. It's normal. My take is that you shouldn't disclose unless you think about the consequences. I made a couple of mistakes when I got the results, I disclosed to everyone that I had sex with in the last 6 months, until I realized that some people totally ignored it, which made me wondering what the fuck was wrong with them. Until I thought about it.

Milker.

[dingowarrior]

Thanks guys for your kind words....There is hope.
Look, there is NO doubt that having this thing hanging over us really sucks.
But, things could be sooo much worse. True,things CAN be better,but hey,in the big picture of life,we are sooo much fortunate than alot of people around the world. Hell, there are people around the world who never even seen,let alone use a computor! And here we are typing away!..lol