POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: tippytu on May 19, 2014, 11:41:47 pm
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I just don't know what to do anymore...ever since my diagnoses my life has just gone downhill..I'm at the point I just want to give up...stop taking my meds..stop caring..from a husband who refuses to communicate with me to an ex who is now dating a family member & threatening to tell everyone about my status..to a job with a bully boss..to a mom who's more concerned about my drug addict brother, & can't quit worrying about him long enough to even ask me about my dr appointments or health, it's constantly something... Really don't have anyone to talk to...just don't see the point anymore if it weren't for my kids I don't think I would've even made it this far!!
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I think it's perfectly natural to feel overwhelmed. It sounds like you struggle with depression already from your prior posts, and now you have multiple stressors to deal with.
I can tell you that stopping meds would only make things MUCH worse, and you would fall into a painful physical decline. If nothing else, taking care of the HIV through meds may be one of the easier steps to be doing, and not a trivial one. Consider that as something in your positive column and know you are doing well in that.
Can you ask your doctor about any HIV support groups? May be harder in a more rural setting, but ask anyway.
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A support group is not really an idea I feel comfortable with...
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I'd think really hard about a therapist or a group, even if you're not comfortable with it. What you've been doing isn't working. Might be time for a radical change.
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A support group is not really an idea I feel comfortable with...
I'm only guessing, but I am thinking that is because you'd be in person, and self identifying as HIV+?
After all, it's basically the same thing you are doing here but not so anonymous.
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Tippy; Seeing a counselor helped me tremendously - it does take some effort to make it happen, and open up although the rewards can be life changing. Another thing that may help is to take some time each day for yourself, whether it is connecting with a close friend, taking a short walk to decompress, or reading, etc.
Hang in there and keep us posted
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Tippytu ... the fear of people finding out about your HIV status is destroying you . I am not suggesting you run out and tell the world you are living with HIV but I am saying you need to take back your power and realize that living with HIV is not the worst thing or label to be hung with .
Its an awful virus but its just a virus . You can't always change what others feel and say about HIV but you can change your attitude and accept the fact that you have HIV and it sucks but that you also have a family and children who love you ... that love is what is important .
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Yes I do see a counselor, and yes part of the reason I do not want to go to a group because it is in person, but also because the nearest one is 2 hours away & between 4 kids a full time job & animals to care for & no baby sitters it just isn't possible.
Jeff I understand it's not the worst thing however I know it's hard for people to understand that I live in a town so small I graduated high school with 14 other people! I do not personally know anyone with HIV and the one person I knew of with AIDS in my town his house was vandalized constantly & he was pretty much tormented until he passed away by these small town small minded people I live amongst!
I have to keep this secret to keep my job & protect my children
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That's hideous. I am curious - what year did that happen? I can imagine such small town hatred can exist today even though I don't want to believe its possible :( >:(
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Around 1997
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Tippy,
What a load, your situation as read sounds very lonely, I hope that by some good luck you find somehow to breakdown this isolation , its a good start using here, not sure why it is but I do feel lighter sometimes just writting the shitty stuff down.
I suppose that moving is near by impossible what with costs and children settled or whatever in Schools ? just checking .
Will try and keep a special look out for your Posts Tippy, in the mean time hang in there and grab at all things beautiful if pos.
m
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Dear Tippy,
I am so sorry to hear that you continue to be overwhelmed by the demands of your life. I strongly agree with Jmarksto, that you need to do something, anything, for at least 15 minutes each day, to remind yourself that you matter.
Might I also suggest that you determine what might help you most, without worrying about making it happen right now, as a way of identifying a few of your real needs. I completely understand your decision to keep your status private, however, therapists will never tell anyone, anything you tell them, without your express permission. I realize that this would be a leap of faith on your part, but you need someone to lean on and a professional is a great place to start.
I would also encourage you to get a baby sitter, anyway you can, so you can have some time to yourself. As a parent, I remember the demands of my daughter and I had only one child. You have four and if you need some time away, then you need to find a way to make it happen.
The reason I throw these ideas out, is so you can do something to address some of your demands and I think that by being able to get a break, your frustration level will come down. You are understandably overwhelmed and if others won't help, then you need to do whatever to find the relief you deserve.
None of this involves disclosing your status, so please try and see what you can do.
Joe
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Please don't give up. Things will change for the better. Have hope.
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I do see a counselor once every two weeks..my husband (who btw is who I contracted hiv from) doesn't seem to understand my need for help.. I asked for a house keeper once every two weeks he made me feel like I was lazy saying "you can't do that yourself?" & if I do try to go somewhere or do something I get accused by my ex husbands family of going out every weekend which could not be further from the truth..just seems never ending...
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Tippy,
Again, I am so sorry you are experiencing all this drama, but at some point, you need to decide on what you need and then, just do it. If the family complains, ask them which they would rather have: 1. A functioning mother and wife, who is able to take care of herself?, or 2. A brow beat mother and wife, who eventually will be of little use to anyone, including herself?
If they think #2 is the right answer, it may be time for you decide on whether you are better off with or without this type of family dynamics. As hard as it might be, there comes a time when the only way to get what need, is to demand it. You have rights in your own family and if the others can't see that, well maybe that's something you really need to understand... and take action if warranted.
Sadly, what they fail to see, is this is all about you and your needs and has nothing to do with them.
Joe
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I asked for a house keeper once every two weeks he made me feel like I was lazy saying "you can't do that yourself?"
OK but in a better situation the response we want is something along the lines of: "let's try to find a solution for this workload... "
I was wondering. Maybe you don't want to share this info. But your husband's response is categorical but not very explanatory. Is the problem the expense. But he doesn't want to deal with that? Embarrassment at a cost that the family can't afford? Have you got the money maybe, but he's too cheap to lay it out? Is the problem really that he thinks its the "responsible wife's duty"? Is he sexist? Combination of it all?
Does he help out? Or you have to do it all?
Again, if you feel like discussing this.
The explanation that you're lazy is disrespectful and demotivating to you, and maybe shows a major lack of perception on his part. He needs a dose of reality?
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We have the money..he is just cheap..& thinks it's by job & I would have no problem with that if I didn't work 40 hours a week also! He does help out when he is home however with his job he is gone for very long periods of time..all my children are small they do have chores but there isn't a lot they can do
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In my experience, usually the one who is the "homemaker" has to force this issue. I remember when my mom went to work - the family needed the money and also she just wanted to work again and keep working. My dad was tight and also he didn't come from a culture where it would ever be conceivable to have a housecleaner. Which was for rich people. Which was definitely not us, and 1000 miles away from his parents' class..
And my mom got the maid and said thats the way its going to be, deal with it.
I have seen this since, in several couples, hetero and homo. The one who does the house work has to draw a line in the sand and say, this is the way we can survive. I can't do everything. I did this last time I was in a couple. My ex screamed hell and high water about the expense but what could he do, really? He was NEVER going to be enough help to keep a household going...
I suppose you probably don't want to discuss these things in a public thread. I mean how money is managed in your couple. But maybe what you must do is get the housekeeper, and pay it from your salary. What can your husband say then? And deduct the pay for the cleaner, from your contribution to the family budget...
This is a VERY common power struggle in couples and trust this - even a loved one will take advantage of the "one who keeps house"... They will walk all over us "housekeepers" and the only way to correct the situation is to reverse the power balance on this issue. Declare your right and your independence to have a life - not an impossible mound of work from waking up to collapsing in bad late at night..