Friend stopped meds and now has AIDS

[darkpassenger]

My friend was diagnosed with HIV in 2009. He was initially on meds but stopped taking them. Three months ago he developed opportunistic infections and was admitted to the hospital. Infections are histoplasmosis and encephalitis. Doctors thought he was going to die. He was released from the hospital two weeks ago and is now home. He is still too weak to even sit up in bed. He has a feeding tube and a catheter. He is able to eat some regular food though. He is extremely thin and difficult to understand at times when he talks. His parents seem to be in denial and think he will recover. Is that possible? Will the HIV meds help or is there too much damage already done? I'm just confused.

[Ptrk3]

As long as your friend is alive, it is not too late for him to restart antiretroviral medication, recover, and lead a long and healthy life.  Yes, it is quite possible.  Many people on this forum have recovered from single CD4 counts and serious aids-related opportunistic infections (OI's).

Doctors must now primarily continue to treat the OI's, and may also restart him on antiretroviral medication.

When he does recover, he may also wish to seek counseling to probe the reasons why he decided to stop taking medication.  If depression is the reason, that, too, can be treated with medication and cognitive therapy.

Good luck to you and your friend. 

[darkpassenger]

Thank you. That's good to hear. His count was 90 and he has started meds again. He was actually my partner. He knew the two years we were together that he is poz and lied to me. I'm negative. Got very lucky. I've been through so many emotions trying to figure out how he could do this. I decided to be there for him as a friend. But I could never be in a relationship again after this. He will definitely need some therapy. He infected two others that I know of.

[leatherman]

His parents seem to be in denial and think he will recover. Is that possible? Will the HIV meds help or is there too much damage already done? I'm just confused.

when people are that near to death (and there are a lot who have been at that point), get onto antiretrovirals, they do often recover. It's called the Lazarus effect .... coming back from the dead. So there is hope

however, many people still die from AIDS. In the Southern US, 27% of those diagnosed with AIDS die within 5 years. So we see that non-adherence, along with not getting tested and treated in time, is still a huge cause of AIDS-related deaths. So while hope may still be there for your friend, it's probably a slim hope. But the meds are powerful and many people still recover.

As far to his parents being in denial, from what I've seen in my life, that's often the case in these situations. I've watched two partners and 100s of friends die from AIDS, while their family and friends seemed oblivious of the impending end of their loved ones. (except for the caregivers - those people always seemed to understand too well what the future was going to hold) But don't hold it against them. It's a coping mechanism. When faced with unbelievable news that is this terrible (that someone who should, by all accounts, not be dying is dying) people often simply can't face that truth and try to block it out.

This sort of reaction happens all the time. Many people here tell the stories about the disbelief when they are diagnosed. Sometimes people deny and put off treatment for some time because they can't come to grips with their situation. Heck, people often sit beside the hospital beds of their grandparents hoping against hope that their aged relative continues to live - despite the evidence of how their grandparent's bad health and old age is part of the same path that most people travel before passing away. It's just human nature to deny death - even when that denial is based on flimsy, or no, hope.

It's a tough situation and all we, the living and concerned, can do is to be there for our friends and family at times like these - and hope for the best, even while fearing the worst.

best wishes to your friend and his family, and to you too during this rough time. 

[mecch]

Thank you. That's good to hear. His count was 90 and he has started meds again. He was actually my partner. He knew the two years we were together that he is poz and lied to me. I'm negative. Got very lucky. I've been through so many emotions trying to figure out how he could do this. I decided to be there for him as a friend. But I could never be in a relationship again after this. He will definitely need some therapy. He infected two others that I know of.

You brought it up so I will comment on it. 

How do you mean you "got very lucky" not to get HIV from him? Did you have unsafe sex?  Based on what testing?

He may have passed the virus to people but generally the party line on Forums is that people are responsible for their own sexual decisions.  I am not naive to deny that people lie in relationships.  Since you didn't really go into details, maybe its better to avoid causally passing off this friend and ex as an "aids spreader".

Maybe those transmissions wouldn't have happened if his partners had based their decisions to have unsafe sex on some sort of clear and trustworthy and regular evidence that there were HIV tests and both partners were negative.

[darkpassenger]

He promised me he tested negative right before we met. After we were together for a while, we stopped using condoms. I was the top. I meant I got lucky in that odds of contracting HIV as a top without a condom are X out of X. He was reckless. I've had four tests and it's been over six months. I agree that everyone is responsible for their own health, but in this instance, he is in fact an ''AIDS spreader." The law was made for people like him. I don't agree with the law otherwise though.

[mecch]

I wish your friend well.  You are all over the map about HIV criminalisation.  You think he's a criminal, but you have forgiven him and want to help?  confusing.

[darkpassenger]

I think I have a moral obligation to stop him from doing it to someone else. That said, I still care about him and as long as I believe he's changed and won't do it again, I won't put him in prison. Is that confusing?

And I didn't forgive him. I accept what he did. I know he has good in him.

[leatherman]

as long as I believe he's changed and won't do it again,

as long as he doesn't die, and hopefully recovers
near-death experiences often change people, so there's hope he'll take fewer risks from here on out.

I won't put him in prison.

ah! there's the rub. Exactly what would expect prison to do to him? It certainly won't provide the emotional and mental health counseling that he obviously needs to get over his stigma, death wish, depression, PTSD, etc. It won't help him learn to become adherent. It won't help him understand the ways to disclose or how to teach prospective partners about PrEP. What it will probably do is put him life in danger in the prison while ruining his financial, employment, and housing opportunities for the rest of his life which often is just another step in a downward spiral. 

Is that confusing?

determining what is one's real moral obligation is a very confusing decision.

[Jim Allen]

AIDS Spreader  Are you for real? I nearly chocked on my cup of tea, what a term !!!

Now even if i believed your posts and I don't, you simply don't get to decide who goes to jail, the law is not that messed up (yet), thankfully.  As for your risk well you made a choice to have unprotected intercourse with someone and so decided to take a risk. For all you know he disclosed to the others after you broke up or they were already taking risks and positive before meeting him. Logically you can't know.  So you don't know the true details and labeling him "AIDS spreader" is simply filthy on your part. You are not the "injured" party here.

The only thing you know is you engaged in unprotected intercourse and that at some stage he contracted HIV. Having HIV does not make him a criminal.

Get over it, you are HIV negative. Move on with your life, cut the drama.

Jim   

[darkpassenger]

AIDS Spreader  Are you for real? I nearly chocked on my cup of tea, what a term !!!

Now even if i believed your posts and I don't, you simply don't get to decide who goes to jail, the law is not that messed up (yet), thankfully.  As for your risk well you made a choice to have unprotected intercourse with someone and so decided to take a risk. For all you know he disclosed to the others after you broke up or they were already taking risks and positive before meeting him. Logically you can't know.  So you don't know the true details and labeling him "AIDS spreader" is simply filthy on your part. You are not the "injured" party here.

The only thing you know is you engaged in unprotected intercourse and that at some stage he contracted HIV. Having HIV does not make him a criminal.

Get over it, you are HIV negative. Move on with your life, cut the drama.

Jim

You don't believe my posts? You think I'm making this up?  What motive and what would I get out of making this up?  I'm devastated. The man I loved lied to me and put my health at risk. He didn't disclose to the other two people he infected. That was actually before he was even with him. I talked to them both and they were negative before they were with him. He also hooked up with countless other men on craigslist and didn't disclose.  He admitted that. I got access to his email and saw it all. You shouldn't be so judgmental.  This is unusual, I know that. But there are bad people and this shit does happen. I AM the victim.  He told me he was negative. I loved and trusted him. He knew 100% he was positive and lied to me. I should be able to trust him in that he tested and was negative. No. I don't get to decide who goes to prison. The law in my state decides that. And I could absolutely put him in prison for what he did.  He was reckless and selfish. It could easily be me in diapers and on a feeding tube.  You need to cut the drama.

[Jim Allen]

 

Get over yourself and move on.

You don't believe my posts? You think I'm making this up?  What motive and what would I get out of making this up? 

Not all of it but a big part of it.

I'm devastated. The man I loved lied to me and put my health at risk. He didn't disclose to the other two people he infected. That was actually before he was even with him. I talked to them both and they were negative before they were with him.

  That means nothing, if he did infect them and did not disclose it is up to them what they do but it is one side of the story and again its not proof of anything.

He also hooked up with countless other men on craigslist and didn't disclose.  He admitted that. I got access to his email and saw it all. You shouldn't be so judgmental.

Not even sure why are you even doing that, again its not proof. What your friend needs is a lawyer to protect himself from you.

And I could absolutely put him in prison for what he did.  He was reckless and selfish. It could easily be me in diapers and on a feeding tube.

 
No again you can't. You can report it and someone could investigate it, that is about it. Not sure why you would do that to someone you "love" and is a "Friend", it would not even come into my mind during a time like this, I would be helping them when they are sitting in a pool of there own shit and unable to walk or eat, strange that most of your posts have nothing to do with supporting him and are more about you.

And that is one thing I am calling out on and it is the way and manner you are posting about this, its just for attention. This forum is not for you.  You are not really seeking to support your friend,  and I have no real interest in people like you. You sir have a filthy mouth and a rotten attitude and you are not a victim.

Cut the drama and move on with your life, you decided to have unprotected intercourse and regret it. Someone may have lied to you in a relationship, big deal happens daily grow-up. I am afraid to say that people lie to each other in relationships about things, it sucks and we move on.

That sums up your story, you seem to have very little concern or care about your ex and its more posting to bad mouth him and to get some attention and to be honest I am not sure why you are posting here as trust me you will get little sympathy.

You are negative, I don't believe you and its my judgment call and the last thing we need is someone here with a nasty attitude, we should have this space to be far away from people like you. Calling you friend "AIDS Spreader" with no evidence is just bad mouthing and spreading shit.

Any final words before you are banned ? 

Jim

[DANIELtakashi]

Darkpassenger,


I was in hospital for a month three years ago.
Because of the medication,  l am not in diapers and am not with tubes but instead am working fulltime in Tokyo.  And l lost my friend to this disease less than two weeks ago.   I am in deep sorrow - crying at the sight of any cats because he was a cat lover.   

We patients take medication so that we will not be bedridden. 
I am sure you will be able to see this thing from a different angle.   We need understanding of the people who are negative.   Thank you.

[leatherman]

I AM the victim.  He told me he was negative.

no you're no victim. You're just another hurt, angry person who foolishly took risks with their own health. The lesson you need to make sure you learn from this situation is the same one that every one lives under - outside of couples testing, there is no way to ensure your sexual partners don't have HIV. Assuming isn't enough, and asking isn't enough. Sometimes people don't know and sometimes people don't want to disclose. Before settling into a sexual relationship with anyone, both partners should go together to get tested so that both people know their status and can make the right decision on using condoms or not.

The testing counselor/HIV disease intervention specialist should have explained to you that asking people if they are HIV+ or not is the dumbest question and is NOT a way to protect yourself.

He didn't disclose to the other two people he infected. That was actually before he was even with him. I talked to them both and they were negative before they were with him.

it really sounds like you and your friends need to get some up-to-date HIV prevention information. Those two people chose on their own, like you did, to have unprotected sex and take their chances. Perhaps you could take a proactive step and coordinate with your local HIV testing agency to figure out how to better educate you and your friends about the risks y'all are taking in which you might acquire HIV and how to reduce those risks through prevention methods - condom usage, PrEP and TasP (treatment as prevention. studies have proved that people who are HIV+ and adherent to meds so that they are "undetectable" do NOT transmit HIV. That means that unprotected sex with people who are living with HIV and on successful treatment is NOT a risk for people who are HIV-)

btw "AIDS spreader" is a stupid phrase. No one spreads "AIDS". HIV is the disease that can be transmitted through unprotected sex.

you got access to his email?!?!? Wow, just wow. That's a privacy invasion and could quite likely make you a criminal in many states.

[Skydrake]

Infections are histoplasmosis and encephalitis. Doctors thought he was going to die.

Depends by the etiology and the kind of encephalitis, i.e. the cause is CMV, the first period is very critical, but he'll be able to recover.
Instead, if the cause is JCV (as a tipical leukoencephalitis), it's difficult to recover completely.
In my life I've known 6 people with a progressive multifocal leukoencephalitis. 3 are dead, 2 with severe neurogical impairment (1 blind) and 1 "strange" (he has some kind of mental disorder).

[CaveyUK]

with 'friends' like this, who needs enemies?

[Jim Allen]

Okay, you came back viewed the thread and are gone, so I take it as no comment. Now it's true to say I find you personally offensive, you could have at the start when the first member pulled you up on the language apologized however did not and I have not hided my feelings, however I do not regret my comments and I stand by them.   

We have also had mod reports from members flagging your posts as offensive. I agree.

As for your participation in this forum well I will take what might be unpopular move however I feel a very needed step.  This forum is open to those who are infected with or directly affected by HIV and The "Someone I Care About Has HIV" forum has been created with those of you in mind who don't have HIV yourself, but have a friend, lover or family member who does.

Our moderators reserve the right to interpret who is "affected" on a case by case basis with a view to preserving the good order of these forums.

This is rare however I do not believe you have someone you care about living with HIV, your intolerant language regarding your loved one shows no support intent, and your posts are wholly self-centered.

You do not belong here and hence you have been banned. I wish your friend all the best and I hope you have taken on-board some of the feedback the members have kindly provided you.

You have now been banned, permanently.

Jim 

[LukasAtlPZ]

Good grief .. with "friends" like this, who needs enemies?