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Author Topic: Negative..............am I worth it?  (Read 4859 times)

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Offline goingbananas

  • New Member
  • Posts: 1
Negative..............am I worth it?
« on: October 16, 2006, 09:04:54 pm »
Hi folks. I've been visiting this site for about 7 months now and somehow reading the forums had helped me go through what i've gone through.  Here's my story....... I'm 34 yrs old married with a 9 yr old son. Feb. 10 2006 was my 10th yr wedding anniv. (10 wonderful years that I've wasted just a day after) My wife and I held a little anniversary party thus inviting some old friends. These friends invited me for a night out saturday (feb 11) and we ended up going to a place that a married man shouldn't go to if you know what I mean. I don't know what happened but I got tempted and took this girl out.  I thought hey this girl's making me feel what i havent feltl for a long time I thought because ive been with my wife for a long time that sex had become a little boring. And so because I'm a stupid man, I would go and take this girl out whenever possible. Too often that this girl began thinking of me as her boyfriend. Good for me because I then didnt have to pay her. This lasted for about 3 weeks. But one day my stupidity began paying off, I went and got myself tested for std not because I've got symptoms but just because of the nature of her job. When the results came, I was positive for chlamydia.  This scared me as this is the first time ever in my life to have acquired an std. I decided then and there to stop seeing this girl.  I felt so bad and so darn guilty everytime I look at my wife and son.  My wife up to this point didnt have the slightest idea what a lowlife ass I've been.  The hard part of it was telling her that I've had an affair and that she has to go get tested for std as well.  I still remember the way she looked when I confessed to her......no words can describe the pain written all over her face and I will never forget that for as long as I live.  To make it short, after all the begging and swearing that this will never happen she accepted me back in the house. Seeing what I have done to her emotionally and mentally I promised her and more myself that i will make it up to her.  But one day it hit me, I was reading an article about hiv and I realized I could have it......and everything changed again after that.  I went to get tested and it came back negative I went 3 months after and again it came back negative and just last fri the 13th my 6th month test came back negative.  Wheww!!! I was so relieved!  I thought I could go back to my normal life with my family. Everything will be fine again.  But God was I wrong! This morning I found my wife in the bathroom her wrist dripping with blood.  she tried killing herself.  After I brought her to the hospital and driving on my way home, everything just flashed in front of my face.  How could I have been so damn selfish! I was so afraid about my having the HIV and I was so focused on it that I thought everytime i see my wife crying it's because she's scared I have the virus and passed it on to her.  There were times she would ask me why I did what I did and I wouldn't want to talk about it because for me it's no longer an issue.  The issue for me was how are we going to go through with life if i get tested positive.  And now that I am negative..............should I really be happy?  I don't know if I will ever make it up to my wife or she will ever make me.  After this, after seeing her hardly breathing and still with tears in her eyes, I dont know if I'll ever be the same person again.  Everytime I hear HIV or AIDS I associate it with DEATH, that was probably why I was so scared.  Today I felt what DEATH really is......and now I know too that sometime six months ago, a day after our wedding anniversary.............I KILLED MY WONDERFUL WIFE. 

Now tell me...............Am I worth the negative result?
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Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,277
  • Antipodean in every sense of the word
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2006, 09:12:48 pm »
Whoa dude! Wrong forum.

MtD
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Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2006, 09:19:44 pm »
Quote from: goingbananas on October 16, 2006, 09:04:54 pm
Now tell me...............Am I worth the negative result?

Yes because you owned up to your errors and words can't express your remorse. As long as we have air in our lungs each new dawn marks the beginning of a fresh start. It's not all sunny skies - This will take  work of course - there are elements of this equation which *will* test both your emotional and mental strengths, such as forgiveness, keeping promises, trust, etc. Be extremely thankful that you are hiv negative. Please stay that way. ..... Good luck and be strong honey   
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Offline Boo Radley

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  • Not a "real man" and damn proud, mithter... FAB
    • Animal Rescue New Orleans
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2006, 09:27:47 pm »
Yes, you're certainly worth the negative test result.  HIV is not a moral judgement that strikes adulterers, it's a virus transmitted when people make mistakes (as in your case).

Be happy you haven't been infected and try to spend the rest of your time showing your wife and son how much you love them. 

Boo
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String up every aristocrat!
Out with the priests and let them live on their fat!





Everything I do, say, think, excrete, secrete, exude, ooze, or write © 2007 Sweet Old Boo, Inc.

Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,031
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2006, 09:37:35 pm »
Wow! I do my best not to judge anyone on their actions but am a believer of things happen for a reason. My heart goes out to your wife and I hope that you are able to make things work again. I don't wish anyone to catch a std but consider yourself lucky that was all you caught. Bright Blessings.

Queen Akasha
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Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

Offline Rhino

  • Member
  • Posts: 69
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2006, 09:38:10 pm »
goingbananas

NO ONE deserves HIV. NO ONE. You've already taken the first steps .. taking responsibility and getting tested. Strength ,perseverance and maybe some councilling will take you the rest of the way through this. Stay strong and stay HIV negative.

Rhino
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Offline carousel

  • Member
  • Posts: 821
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2006, 09:46:32 pm »
.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2007, 11:31:49 am by carousel »
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Offline Teresa

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2006, 09:59:22 pm »
I don't think you killed your wife...but i would sure watch out for your little Willy...Lorena Bobbitt messed up..she should have put that sucker in the garbage disposal. flipped the switch......then let them try to reattach it....

Having a menopausal moment...sorry

Teresa
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Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2006, 10:01:29 pm »
Quote from: Teresa on October 16, 2006, 09:59:22 pm
Lorena Bobbitt messed up..she should have put that sucker in the garbage disposal. flipped the switch......then let them try to reattach it....

:o  :o ack!!!  pork slop!!
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Offline Dachshund

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,058
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2006, 10:01:38 pm »
No you are not...but your wife is so keep it that way.
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Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Posts: 12,277
  • Antipodean in every sense of the word
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2006, 10:03:44 pm »
NO ONE deserves HIV. NO ONE.

Actually Rhino I feel I can say without fear of contradiction that Andrew Sullivan certainly deserves HIV.

MtD
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Offline Rhino

  • Member
  • Posts: 69
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2006, 10:42:55 pm »
Quote from: matty.the.damned on October 16, 2006, 10:03:44 pm
NO ONE deserves HIV. NO ONE.

Actually Rhino I feel I can say without fear of contradiction that Andrew Sullivan certainly deserves HIV.

MtD

It's official .. matty is evil  ;D
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Offline DanielMark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,475
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #12 on: October 17, 2006, 04:37:41 am »
My wife and I held a little anniversary party thus inviting some old friends. These friends invited me for a night out saturday (feb 11) and we ended up going to a place that a married man shouldn't go to if you know what I mean.

Life is about learning. Everyone makes mistakes. Are you worth it? I think the more important question would be, what have I learned from this enormous mistake I've made?

(Oh and you might want to reconsider what makes a "friend" while you're at it.)

Daniel
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MEDS: REYATAZ & KIVEXA (SINCE AUG 2008)

MAY 2000 LAB RESULTS: CD4 678
VL STILL UNDETECTABLE

DIAGNOSED IN 1988

Offline alisenjafi

  • Member
  • Posts: 811
  • They say HIV comes from monkeys!
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #13 on: October 17, 2006, 06:16:05 am »
HIV is not a moral issue!
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"You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does"
The Smiths

Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Posts: 12,277
  • Antipodean in every sense of the word
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #14 on: October 17, 2006, 06:34:39 am »
HIV is not a moral issue!

The hell it isn't.

MtD
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Offline Basquo

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,385
Re: Negative..............am I worth it?
« Reply #15 on: October 17, 2006, 12:33:12 pm »
Your wife tries to kill herself and you drove home from the hospital to post this on a public forum? Shouldn't you have stayed by her side?

I'm not convinced this is a true story.
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