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Author Topic: First romantic disclosure anxiety  (Read 6921 times)

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Offline globetrotter

  • Member
  • Posts: 11
First romantic disclosure anxiety
« on: September 17, 2007, 11:51:42 pm »
Hi everyone,

I don't post here very often so maybe I'll give some background first. I was diagnosed just over a year ago. So far no meds! Fingers crossed it'll stay that way for a while longer.
The 10 months following my diagnosis were completely spent on nurturing a doomed relationship with my ex-boyfriend who had infected me. I suppose our time together was beneficial in the sense that it gave me someone to talk to about my status, but that's about it. He was a selfish person who lied to me about having been tested, showed zero remorse for infecting me, demanded all my time (to care for him as he was very sick) and eventually repaid me by cheating on me. Good riddance.
Despite all that drama I have really dealt with my diagnosis quite well. I try to give myself credit for that from time to time!

But now the biggest challenge awaits me...I met someone a while back who i really like. I mean really. This never happens to me! This past week things progressed beyond friendship. Great. But terrifying. We haven't had sex and I wouldn't without disclosing first, but I'm torn as to how long I can put it off. I've prepared myself for the possibility of rejection. What really freaks me out too is that he might flip and disclose my status to other people.

Does anyone here remember the first time you had to do this? Any tips? Assuming we are not going to have sex without my disclosing first, what do you think is too long a wait? Should i just get this over with?

so many questions! sorry, but i do really like this guy.

and thank you all for this woderful forum : )

 

Offline MOONLIGHT1114

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,918
  • Cheech 2.2.94 - 4.23.10 We miss you so much!
Re: First romantic disclosure anxiety
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2007, 11:54:37 pm »
OH, GF, we are up to thread #6 with dating discussions!  Here are the links to get you started!  I would post more, but I have an early day tomorrow, forgive me.

~Cindy

For new readers, here's our history....

Part I:   http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=12526.0
Part II:    http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=13850.0
Part III:    http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=14375.0
Part IV:    http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=14848.0
Part V:     http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=15148.0
Part VI:    http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=15558.0
« Last Edit: September 17, 2007, 11:58:51 pm by MOONLIGHT1114 »
HIV+ since '93, 1/12 - CD4 785 and undet.   WOO-HOO!!

Offline globetrotter

  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: First romantic disclosure anxiety
« Reply #2 on: September 18, 2007, 07:18:38 pm »
Thanks Cindy. Those were quite an entertaining read  :)

I'll try to post in the dating threads on my progress!

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,397
Re: First romantic disclosure anxiety
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2007, 02:33:30 pm »
Hi everyone,

I don't post here very often so maybe I'll give some background first. I was diagnosed just over a year ago. So far no meds! Fingers crossed it'll stay that way for a while longer.
The 10 months following my diagnosis were completely spent on nurturing a doomed relationship with my ex-boyfriend who had infected me. I suppose our time together was beneficial in the sense that it gave me someone to talk to about my status, but that's about it. He was a selfish person who lied to me about having been tested, showed zero remorse for infecting me, demanded all my time (to care for him as he was very sick) and eventually repaid me by cheating on me. Good riddance.
Despite all that drama I have really dealt with my diagnosis quite well. I try to give myself credit for that from time to time!

But now the biggest challenge awaits me...I met someone a while back who i really like. I mean really. This never happens to me! This past week things progressed beyond friendship. Great. But terrifying. We haven't had sex and I wouldn't without disclosing first, but I'm torn as to how long I can put it off. I've prepared myself for the possibility of rejection. What really freaks me out too is that he might flip and disclose my status to other people.

Does anyone here remember the first time you had to do this? Any tips? Assuming we are not going to have sex without my disclosing first, what do you think is too long a wait? Should i just get this over with?

so many questions! sorry, but i do really like this guy.

and thank you all for this woderful forum : )

 

Hello Globie
(I loved PeeWee Herman's Playhouse so I feel compelled to call you Globie!)

I knew after I saw your post that I wanted to come back and give you a reply---it just took a couple of days.

I was diagnosed in 2003. There were three times since then I was in the state of mind, opportunity and/or heart that warranted disclosure. And, I got it out the way as quickly as possible.

The way I look at it the longer I wait to disclose, the longer I'm dragging around an increasingly heavy sack of secret information that has the potential to nip a budding relationship. Well, if I'm honest about my intentions as a grower of sorts, I don't want it to bud if it's not going to flower. In other words, why tease the emotions on both sides if there may be nowhere for them to go?

My experiences to date follow: Disclosure 1, problematic (but in retrospect I'm grateful as I subsequently found this person to be selfish and narcissistic). Disclosure 2, problematic and a logistical nightmare that could never have amounted to anything unless I changed my citizenship. Disclosure 3, last Saturday, not problematic. And, here it is Wednesday and it's still not problematic.

You have to come up with what works for you. How are you wired? How patient are you sitting on a keg of dynamite? I'm sure there are those who waited until someone was head over lather in love with them and then cracked open the secret. Maybe in a passionate moment it's easier for someone to cast fate to the wind, cock to a condom and lock in the landing gear.

I like to avoid crash landings and explosions if I can exert any control over them. So, I disclose (all whopping 3 times) early. Frankly, I don't want to be with someone who's not smart enough to know that there are ways to sexually circumnavigate the virus; that stigmatization has hurt the entire world; that any of my activism will not automatically label him as positive by affiliation and that I will likely still outlive him!  ::)

I hope this has helped you to examine how YOU feel about disclosure. That you have considered the person to whom you wish to disclose might "flip" and disclose to others should cause you to stop and think...gee, what clues have I picked up about him that make me sense that? If you can validate it, rather than just imagine or ruminate about it, then maybe he's not your kind of man. Otherwise, the best you can do is say that this is deeply personal information and the only reason you are entrusting him is because you like him well enough to do so and have considered the possibility of a healthy, long-term, sexual relationship with him. More honesty to boot.

Congrats with the self-congrats. That is so important to administer as you hit various milestones post-diagnosis. No matter the outcome, give yourself a huge congrats after your first disclosure.

BTW, did you ever think about taking legal action against your ex-beau? Do you live in a state where you can do that? Just curious. No need for answers in this thread. We could discuss via PM.

Hopeful to see you post more often.

Em

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 10,786
Re: First romantic disclosure anxiety
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2007, 10:30:50 pm »
If you are going to get intimate, then I would definitely disclose. I'm not very good at advising new people about this sort of matter, because I really don't care who knows my status.  I hope you find what works for you.  I'm sure you will.  Hang in there babe. :-*
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

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tendai

  • Guest
Re: First romantic disclosure anxiety
« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2007, 05:38:48 am »
frankly i'm  a coward.  the first two times that i disclosed it was via text message on the phone.  they acted like it was ok then disappeared.  the third time it was in person and he was ok with it.  we went out for almost a year then broke up for other reasons.  my lastest disclosure was also via SMS he was out of town at the time and he said we'd discuss it when he comes back.  He's back but i havent seen him yet.  he came back on sunday todays thursday. Oh i saw him on Mionday but it was only for about 2 seconds. he says he's busy doing 'stuff'.  so i dont know if he's really busy or hes trying to slither out of this thing. i just dont know.  But i do feel better that he knows because its a big secret to have to keep in a relationship, especially if u'll be taking meds. i think the sooner u tell him the better.
and i must congratulate you for coming out stronger after the shit your ex has put u thru

 


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