Republican Problem Solving Handbook

[Dachshund]

 
when confronted with a 'problem' choose several activities from the list below:

ignore it
exploit it
deny it
if asked about it at the beach, say 'talk to the sand'
create intricate web of lies about it
blindly support nutjob president
discuss it with your secret family
declare war on it, call it The War on (the problem)
build a fence around it
give yourself a cool undercover spy name
add three levels of corruption to it
change subject to fancyboy haircuts
link it to the death tax/gay marriage/social security
borrow a mountain of money for you know, whatever
say something about Hitler or Lincoln or Reagan
jury is still out on it
blame it on naive Obama supporters
create an expensive fix that is at least five times worse than (the problem)
use it to help with Constitution shredding
convert airports into humiliation stations
shoot it with a dirty gun
go on TV, vote it off the island
deregulate the piss outta it
fuck that boobilicious secretary from accounting
only the radical left cares about it
if asked about it at the football game say 'talk to the band'
employ foolproof 'goalposts on wheels' strategy
cover it with a big flag
shake it, don't stir it
cover it with big dead soldiers, no photos
email Wright "goddamn America" youtube
throw free money at republican businesses
it's God's will, don't worry about it
praise it's character building opportunities
clearly it was caused by insufficient bomb dropping
it's a problem like too much pie is a problem
try gay sex with strangers again
order a report and refuse to release it
invade weak, oil rich country
shoot it with flag bullets
abortion did it
make cool naked prisoner pyramid for fun
classify it top secret, not pop secret
blame it on Dems 'San Francisco values'
lie about it s'more
put Hershey bars graham crackers and marshmallows on grocery list
don't bother counting the dead people
it's rapturific
ride it hard, put it away wet, pull it out again, dry it off
capitalize it collateralize it securitize it and sell it to the world
pretend a guitar is your wiener
it's why the president must have more power
so not a problem, a blessing in disguise
stuff a flag down it's throat and beat it with a Louisville Slugger
ask your prostitute about it
at it's root it's a lack of patriotism problem
thank God bush is president for it
raise campaign money off it
call it al Qaeda in (wherever it is)
sing a song about dropping bombs on it
pretend you've already solved it in the future
life is short, grab it, milk it, fuck it