POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => I Just Tested Poz => Topic started by: actonye on August 16, 2013, 05:35:30 pm
-
Hi everyone,
Not sure if I'm still allowed to post here, so moderators correct me if I'm not.
I'm sure most of you remember my post, was 7 months ago I was diagnosed. Initially felt like my world had come to an end. Now I feel more optimistic about life but there are still those psychosocial issues that weigh me down.
So where do I start; treatment is going great takings meds everyday and in 3 weeks since starting meds I'm undetectable from a vl of 10000, and my cd4s are in the low thousands, so that's good I guess and yes, I have no side effects at all. Renal functions and liver functions are at optimal pre-treatment levels. So all good on that front.
Looked into furthering my medical careear in the states and that with work insurance doesn't look like it'll be a problem.
In general I'm a stronger persona mad also a kinder and more loving person to
Those that I care and love.
However with my stressful job and life I get weighed down by emotions.
I worry all the time about a family. I'm still single and haven't been able to get into a relationship since. I'd like one but just feel no one out there will want me.
I worry about having kids in the future. Not sure that will ever happen now, I've thought about adoption but I'd really like to have my own kids.
I know all about sperm washing but wonder if there is anyone out there who would be willing given the choice, would want to have a kid with me that way.
That makes me feel so useless and from time to time makes me ridiculously sad.
I would treat children everyday and sometimes get so emotional at work when I have to treat children wondering if I'd ever have the joy of having my own kids.
I feel life has been terribly unfair and I know I can't change what has happened. Still wish it wasn't me. Hmm sigh.
All my friends seem to be having babies and moving on and I feel stuck and isolated.
I want to make this the smallest thing in my life but daily it creeps up and kicks me in the shin, constant reminder that I'm not worthy of a good life anymore.
Well like I Said so far so good with the treatment so I guess that's a plus, but how do I deal with the self resentment. My therapist things I'm going the right direction, but I think it's all a facade I put up. Oh well what can I do?
Anyway just thot I'd share my good and bad days / news with you guys my new family.
I'm still here going strong, just not as strong as I'd like to be.
Aight. I'll let off here.
Another trauma case just came in. Best but my brave face on and doctor cap and deal with it eh.
Hope someone talks to me soon.
Cheers fellow journey men and women.
-
Hey actonve,
Being a middle aged gay guy who has NEVER wanted kids I'm not sure I can help you on that front but your feelings of being newly diagnosed are pretty normal.
Your counts are great and you have a long life ahead of you. Please don't get discouraged from your dreams.
This is a period of adjustment.
I'm thinking you will be/are a compassionate doctor and your life will reap big personal rewards in unexpected ways.
Sometimes what life brings us is not what we seek but what we need. bla bla bla.
(but it's true)
There is more to life than a career too and I get that.
I still am trying to figure it all out myself.
Taking it as it comes isn't easy but it seems to be the best route.
Hope this helped a bit.
m.
-
Thanx Mitch I really hope so. It's all so overwhelming sometimes.
-
Thanx Mitch I really hope so. It's all so overwhelming sometimes.
yup. sure is but there are lots of laughs along the way. never loose site of that. it gets us humans through if we let it. :)
-
Hi Actonye, of course you can post here! I'm glad you did - it's good to hear from you again and I'm glad to hear you're doing better.
With today's meds, there's no reason why you can't have kids "the old fashioned way". No need for sperm-washing. All you need is to have an undetectable viral load for at least six months, with no other active STIs present. Poz/neg couples have been having children naturally for years now, with the neg partner remaining neg and the baby too.
Also, there's no reason why you can't have kids with a poz woman. A woman on meds during the pregnancy has less than a 2% chance of having a poz baby. That's a lower percentage than for a lot of birth defects that can strike anyone, poz or neg. I've yet to hear of a poz woman who was on therapy during pregnancy having a poz baby.
I've also yet to hear of a neg woman ending up poz while conceiving a child with a poz man when the man had an UD VL.
So now all you need to do is to find that special woman to start a family with! In the meantime, check these out:
http://www.aidsmap.com/page/1429357/
http://i-base.info/guides/pregnancy/swiss-statement
http://i-base.info/guides/pregnancy
Hope that helps.
Hugs,
Ann
xxx
-
Is nice to hear you are doing better now, and I think it is quite normal to still be working through your concerns. For most people, they envision their lives following a "normal" path, even if they don't realize it. When something comes along to disrupt the formula, it can seriously challenge our expectations and leave us uneasy about our future.
HIV is just one of many things that can disrupt our expectations. I think that in many ways, these kind of formula disrupters are actually a benefit. They can prompt you to challenge what you might otherwise just unthinkingly accept.
Do you really value passing on your genetic code so much more than passing on your emotional support, intelectual stimulation, and moral guidance? I may not have my father's genes, but he did pass on the rest.
Perhaps you might take this as an opportunity, formost, to challenge yourself and question your vision for your future. HIV has entered into the picture for you, but it should be less a limit than a smack in the face to make you rethink what is important.
Ann points out that your options for procreating are not so limited at you may suppose. I hope you also don't limit yourself to just finding ways to stick with the formula, and let yourself grow into new directions as a result of what you experience.
-
Hey guys, want to say another thank you to all who've taken time out to read and reply. You guys are awesome. Ann thank you so much for the words of encouragement. It's good to still have some hope, so gonna work on building that. Pittman thank you too ur words of advice have been well received. I'm going to keep marching onwards and keep trying to remain optimistic about my future. I have never been more self aware than what I am now.
However in recent I'm beginning to resent taking the meds, I know it's stupid but I guess it's just the disappointment and part if the grieving process. I'll keep taking them and find someway to deal and get rid of the resentment.
You guys have been so awesome.
I look forward to sharing more good news with you all.
Meanwhile I'll be looking forward to truly smiling and being happy again, wish everyone on this journey the same.
-
However in recent I'm beginning to resent taking the meds, I know it's stupid but I guess it's just the disappointment and part if the grieving process. I'll keep taking them and find someway to deal and get rid of the resentment.
I sincerely hope you get over this resentment soon and that it's just part of your adjustment period. Keep in mind that those meds will enable you to live a long life and will also enable you to keep practicing medicine.
Embrace your meds and be thankful for them, don't resent them!
If you're not already seeing a counsellor, maybe it's time you did. Seeking the help of a professional isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of great strength. A lot of people (ie your patients) are depending on you and you need a shoulder to lean on, just as your patients lean on you.
Hang in there, it really does get better in time.
Hugs,
Ann