downside to outliving people

[leatherman]

Waking up today, blearily-eyed I glanced at my tablet on the nightstand. Like every year before, there was a calendar notice – the anniversary of Jim’s death. My stupid brain decided it was awake enough to do some math figuring up how long it’s been since that fateful day in 2008.

Sixteen years. OMG It was sixteen years after Randy’s death when I started dating Larry and I couldn't believe how long Randy had been gone. Now I almost couldn’t believe it's been that long since I lost Jim. Then I calculated some more and realized later this month on the 25th it’ll be 30 years since Randy passed away.

While I certainly don’t mind being a Long Term Survivor (40 yrs this December!), there’s a downside to outliving the people I love – sadness. While I handle it pretty well most of the time, I sure hate the way it can sneak up on you when you're least expecting it.

So today I looked through all the old pictures, remembered all the good times (especially all the pool parties), and then went out to drain and clean the pool up after winter, so I can start filling it up tomorrow.

[Jim Allen]

Sending you hugs.

[Tonny2]

             ojo.           I’m aorry to read you eventhough I haven’t llost partner due to complications of aids, I can feel your pain. I just have list a friend from the “vivir con vih” (Tonny) and my best friend although I think he was killed with an experimental treatment to treat his cancer, because his hiv was suppressed, but anyway, we are still here and I think your ex pattbers are happy for you having met Larry and keeping having fun filling up the swimming pool… Hugs

[Grasshopper]

Sigh....I can relate, however the sadness has transformed into resignation. Life goes on, just about 25% left to go. Peace be with you.

[leatherman]

Thanks everyone.

You know, really even with the way HIV messed up my life and health, I don't get down too often. I've even come to grips with having two deceased partners. (You know, you kinda have to. Life keeps fk-ing moving on and eventually you're dragged along with it.)

No matter how much I miss them at times, I do have my Larry with me now...and I'm still alive. I'm the luckiest guy on the planet! But every once in a while a date or an event will happen, and I'll think about either Randy or Jim (or often both) and what they have missed out on. Of course, sometimes I imagine the what-could-have-beens too. Sigh. I love what my life is now; but I think I would have also loved it if I could have lived it out with either Randy or Jim.

In remembrance of Jim I spent the last two days getting the pool cleaned up and starting to fill back up for another summer.

however the sadness has transformed into resignation

ooo, that's a very astute realization. Yes, numerous times rather than feel despondency, I've felt resignation. I'm going to keep that word in mind.

just about 25% left to go

I like to think that I'll live as long as my grandmother did (104),  so I've just passed 50%.