disclosing status to a cutie

[woodshere]

For the first time since testing positive I have met someone that I call a person of interest.  We attend the same Sunday School class (i attend a progressive Baptist Church-probably a whole other topic) and we have become friendly and he has even started flirting with me.  Last night at church he asked me out.  Of course I said yes.  Here's the question when do I tell him my secret (no one knows except dr, pharmacist and my minister).  And more importantly how do I tell him, as I have only told one person and don't have alot of experience at this. 

Obviously I know I will have to tell him and want to tell him before we become intimate.  But is intimate passionate kissing or doing the nasty?  Of course I might be putting the cart before the horse or perhaps in this case "ass".  But I don't want things to go too far in our developing relationship and then have to tell.

I realize also every situation is different, but having some idea or plan based on others experiences might be helpful.

Who knows what might happen but for the first time in a very long time I have been asked out on a date!!  Go figure.

Woods

[wellington]

The big thing about HIV is the stigma. Even though kissing, passionately, is decidedly low to no risk, if this person of interest found out mid-kiss that you were HIV positive, you can guess that the hair on the back of his neck might briefly stand on end. There's quite a bit of shock factor, still.

My advice would be to take it slowly. Give yourself time to get to know each other. Once you have a more solid base upon which to build, deeper and more significant issues can be explored and expressed with much greater ease.

Trying to be "other" oriented, that is, to put yourself in his shoes, might also help you to understand how you might best approach this topic when the time comes. Until then, just enjoy your new friend.

[woodshere]

I am expecting, since we are friends now and attend church together, to maintain a friendship but not have it become romantic or sexual.  If he is comfortable with moving on then who knows.  I also am leaning toward early disclosure if not the first date then the second.  I am not easy so I know nothing will happen on the first date, but the second who knows

[Eldon]

Hello Woods,

It is your call on this one. Definitely you would want to tell him the sooner the better before the relationship goes any further. But please DO tell him before things start to get intimate.



Make the BEST of each Day!

[Queen Tokelove]

I wish you the best of luck...

And not to be pessimistic.... I had this same situation, dated a girl for 4 months, we were REALLY into each other to say the least..  I disclosed one night at dinner, and as you can guess... I was completely rejected. The way she reacted, and acted over the next day just made me want to kill myself. From now on, I will disclose to whoever the person is on the FIRST date, to avoid ever feeling like this again.  It seems that an overwhelming percentage of people still do not understand our illness, and take no steps to better educate themselves....

I, personally, have decided that I'm not ever going to be able to date someone who does not have hiv... REMEMBER though.... to prepare yourself for the worst upon disclosure. Because if you have high hopes , and the shit hits the fan... its the worst feeling in the world, and I truly hope you don't have to endure that...

Keep us updated!!!

I know how you feel about being pessimistic. Everytime I disclosed to someone, it was pure drama and I'm not even talking about on an intimate level. Has been there and done that as far as relationship with a neg, drama again. I have come to the same conclusion that I would rather deal with a poz person. I actually had to blow someone off who likes me because I would plan dates with him but then at the last moment get nervous because he does not know of my status. He's of course pissed and can't understand why but I just can't bring myself to tell him the truth.

Woods------

I'm glad you found someone, the choice to disclose is up to you, but if you are going to do it, I would suggest earlier on to as to try to ease some of the pain if you get a negative response. I hope you don't get that reaction, no one needs to go through that. I will keep my fingers crossed for you and prays things work out for you. Good Luck!

[RevMC]

You said that your minister knows.  Why not talk to him or her about it and see if they may be able to do a sermon or something along that line in regards to HIV/AIDS.

It would be a good segway into the topic.  The 2 of you can talk about what your minister said and you can see where they stand in regards to the situation.

You can then decide whether or not to tell this person your status.  If you know from the conversation that they are not going to be accepting about it, like if they believe that there is something wrong with it then you decide not to tell that person and not date them any longer.  Just tell this person that though you like them, you don't feel that there could ever ge anything romantic.  OR you can tell this person that you are HIV.

Either way by having your minister talk about it during church where this person will hear it, it opens the door for the conversation which could make it easier to talk about.

I've been HIV+ for 18 1/2 years.  Yes I've had many rejections, but I've had many more dates.

Good luck,

Love and Lights,

Rev. Michael