POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: ratcat on August 20, 2013, 02:42:15 pm
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Hi everybody, my story is pretty full-on but I'll do my best to keep it short ok. For 13 months I was with a beautiful Thai ladyboy here in Thailand where I live. We are/were both hiv+. I'm American. We were engaged, had business plans and more...I even got her a boob job lol (38!). She was very feminine and pretty, more than most women, and bottom only. I loved her.
She was difficult though, and did not follow my wishes regarding her health. After dragging her into a clinic (literally) I got her cd4 done. 250. Then, as it was time for her to visit her family, she agreed to go get a full checkup at her provincial hospital, as she had been complaining of a stomach problem (free for Thai) and to start ART. They diagnosed her with TB and she appeared to be having very bad side effects from the medication after 2 weeks. I visited her often but didn't live with her because I tested negative for TB and didn't want to expose myself, and she was coughing alot, and experiencing regular fevers etc. After 3 months the doctor discontinued her TB treatment and retracted his diagnosis. I had to track down all of her doctors, against her will and make them explain. They all said that it must be some sort of "opportunistic infection". I was so pissed, as you can imagine, as her symptoms matched TB exactly. It was then that I took her to the best hospital in Thailand and received the truth. (she had been to 2 or 3 hospitals before this). Cancer stage 4...multiple myeloma, lymphoma, in her liver, bones, near the lungs, colon. I admitted her to the main Government Hospital in her area and she was dead 12 days later. It happened so fast. I don't know her exact diagnosis and I never will as communication is difficult in this Asian country. So much for my sero-concordant relationship effort...and I really invested a lot of time, effort, money and love into this creature...all for nothing. She is done. She is not in a better place or gone to the spirit world. She is dead. She died one month ago exactly.
But I am not. Yes I am sad and lonely and not ready for another relationship...but I'm not finished. I have been poz for 2.5 years, My cd4 is 489 and vl is 20,000 but I'm starting meds tomorrow at 10pm. I got the prescription filled today. Atripla, not the generic stuff. It cost me $111 dollars for a one month supply here in thailand. I'm sure that I can find a better price in Bangkok later this year, but I feel fortunate to be somewhere where I can afford good medical care....that's one of the main reasons I'm still here.
The point of my story is that I had planned to go much longer without treatment. That is not an option for me anymore as I feel it is way to risky. I thought that I knew everything about HIV but I was wrong. Her doctors and I failed to consider the risk of developing Cancer.....I'm not going out that way. My life will go on but I will always be affected by this tragedy..... 10pm tomorrow.
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I'm so very sorry for your loss and am happy to hear you are taking measures to protect your own health .
Thanks for posting this , it helps others realize the risk of what untreated HIV can do to you . I'm wishing you good health and you have my sincere condolences .
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Sorry to hear about your loss. Good luck with starting your meds. Stay strong.
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ratcat,
Im so sorry for the loss of your loved one.Im glad that you have decided to start meds.
Please post and let us know how you get on.You've been through such a difficult time and i hope you get the support you need.There are other members here who live in Thailand.I hope that you get some comfort from this board too.
britchickx
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Very sorry for your loss, my condolences. How very sad.
I hope your story helps others see that untreated HIV is a lot more than just "what's my cd4 count" and will lead others to get treated.
Again, I'm very sorry.
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Welcome here!
Im glad you are going to start treatment and that you plan on living long and fighting down HIV.
I am very sorry you lost your gf.
I am sorry also to say this, but I guess I just noticed something and I wanted to ask, or follow up. Maybe its your grief, or shock....
So much for my sero-concordant relationship effort...and I really invested a lot of time, effort, money and love into this creature...all for nothing. She is done. She is not in a better place or gone to the spirit world. She is dead. She died one month ago exactly.
(Minor confusion... If you were both positive, why was it a serodiscordant relation?)
What struck me is that you say your love affair was for nothing.... I don't really understand this... The time you spent together WAS your relation, and you said you loved her. When you are in a relation, you can't always count on smooth sailing. Its awful that your gf got a hideous terminal disease, that she got misdiagnosed, as well. But why was the relation "for nothing"???
You loved each other and invested in each other. That it was cut short does not nullify the affair....
Probably none of my business, but I was also struck by your specifically detailing spiritual ideas of the afterlife, and that you specifically claim your gf is not there... Is this just her? I mean, do you believe in heaven or a spirit world of some sort? And if so, why would you believe that she is now denied the better place? Or, do you mean, death is final, for everyone, so you don't believe in a better place for anyone. When its over, its over...
Anyway, just some thoughts, reading your post.
Again I'm sorry for the sad sad loss....
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Hey Ratcat,
My deepest condolences on your loss.
I also want to thank you, for taking the time during your grieving, to provide such a valuable message to the forums.
Take care,
Joe
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Sorry for your loss...
This is a wake up call and reminder: this virus is nasty !
Hope you will feel better about all this soon
Eric
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I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, it's hard to lose a loved, you did all you could for her, thank you for sharing your story.
Even though they describe this virus as not being a death sentence anymore it is still deadly if we don't look after ourselves properly.
In sadness
Jan
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This is a reply for Mecch to answer some of his questions. here is a quote..".So much for my sero-concordant relationship effort"...sero-concordant not discordant... I know, were not used to reading that term.
As far as my opinions on the afterlife...I have heard a lot of nonsense from people like, "she is in a better place now", and "she is no longer suffering", and "she will never grow old"...The list goes on and on. What a bunch of hogwash. She is dead and only exists in peoples memories. There is no proof of the afterlife therefore it does not exist. Religions are just ancient political movements.
As far as my love, It wasn't all for nothing really. This episode is as real as it gets and I am hurt from it. I'm dissapointed in myself and in her. She left me without a fight.
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Just wanted to offer my condolences. I'm glad you are discussing it.
Ted
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I guess she couldn't fight stage four cancer that had spread as far as it had . sounds like she was just like you , not ready for meds . People get cancer HIV or not , its just unfortunate and very sad .
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My condolences for your loss!
Chin up and be strong :)
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I am so sorry for you loss! Be strong!
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I am sorry for your loss.
To get a correct diagnosis seems to remain so hard in Thailand.
The medicine is cheapest at Anonymous Clinic in Bangkok, they have atripla.
Best Wishes.
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This is a reply for Mecch to answer some of his questions. here is a quote..".So much for my sero-concordant relationship effort"...sero-concordant not discordant... I know, were not used to reading that term.
As far as my opinions on the afterlife...I have heard a lot of nonsense from people like, "she is in a better place now", and "she is no longer suffering", and "she will never grow old"...The list goes on and on. What a bunch of hogwash. She is dead and only exists in peoples memories. There is no proof of the afterlife therefore it does not exist. Religions are just ancient political movements.
As far as my love, It wasn't all for nothing really. This episode is as real as it gets and I am hurt from it. I'm dissapointed in myself and in her. She left me without a fight.
You're right, I misread that word, I never saw it before! Sorry.
I don't live my life either, really believing in an afterlife. Death is pretty final and I can empathize with your feelings here.. I'm sorry for you!
Cherish the time you had.
A new love will arrive when the grieving and healing is over and you're ready again. Best wishes to you!
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I join the Board Members in expressing my condolences for your loss.
I am also glad that you are taking your meds.
Take care.
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I haven't started the meds yet due to work and social circumstances this week but Saturday night at 10pm is going to be it. I'll document my progress here or in a new thread. Thanks for your condolences and kind words everybody :)
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Anyways, I started the meds 3 nights ago but I'm not going to write much because I'm feeling a bit hazy and my vision is blurred a bit lol....really. During the daytime I feel pretty normal, if not a bit "drunk" at times. We will see how my body acclimates. On September 6 I'm going out on the town and we will see how Atripla mixes with beer!!!!! :o :o
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Hi Ratcat:
I am sorry to hear about your loss. You have my condolences.
I hope you have the strength to power through it.
Take care.
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All the condolences too from another thai ladyboy lover...
But don't say that your relationship was for nothing, at least your gf was not alone in her last days and I am sure you make her happy this last year.
But what a shame about that diagnose, I thought Thai hospitals were better.
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This is a reply for Mecch to answer some of his questions. here is a quote..".So much for my sero-concordant relationship effort"...sero-concordant not discordant... I know, were not used to reading that term.
As far as my opinions on the afterlife...I have heard a lot of nonsense from people like, "she is in a better place now", and "she is no longer suffering", and "she will never grow old"...The list goes on and on. What a bunch of hogwash. She is dead and only exists in peoples memories. There is no proof of the afterlife therefore it does not exist. Religions are just ancient political movements.
As far as my love, It wasn't all for nothing really. This episode is as real as it gets and I am hurt from it. I'm dissapointed in myself and in her. She left me without a fight.
Hi Rat Cat ,
I am very sorry for your loss of a great person in your life .
I will have to say that a friend of mine has always said : " If you can picture and remember a
person after death ,they are still here ! , They are as real as life and will live on forever ! "
I truly believe that your girl friend is in some sort of ? , Not sure , But she will live on ! I have no
doubt you can see her in your mind .
Hoping you find peace and I'm glad you are starting MEDS !
Cancer is a horrid way to go , It is not solely an HIV condition , I lost a dear friend a few months ago
13 days after she found out she had cancer :'( , She was not a smoker or HIV POZ .
Be well my friend ,
Weasel
P.s. I've been HIV / AIDS to many years to want to count :-X
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Thanks weasel...yes I definitely can still see her in my mind, and she will live on in all of the minds of the many people who loved her. Yes Cancer is not a pleasant way to go and lots of times when it is discovered it is already too late...12 days for her. I miss her so much. :(
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Sorry. It is a unique, modern and perhaps lonely experience losing someone real close with HIV. Not many places to speak about it all.
Good luck with the meds.
- matt
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Thanks Newt, a considerate response from you as usual. thanks.
Ok. now I'm going to talk about my progress with the Atripla. I take it at 10 pm, and after about an hour or less I feel a bit warm, cheeks feel weird, balance off a little and vision is a bit blurred at times. During the daytime I feel super, if not even a bit euphoric(in a good way). My confidence has gone up for sure, but maybe that is partly due to the recreational-drug-like side effects!
So is this how it's going to be? After 10pm every night do I need to rush home before I turn into a pumpkin? lol Will I need to move my med taking time forward an hour or two so that I can have a social life, or will this subside? (I know, it depends on the person!!!lol,,,,just curious of your own experiences)
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I've been on Atripla for about a year, so here are my observations.
The visuals and more pronounced effects died down for me after a month or so. I still get a little bit high on it but nothing like when I first started.
From what I've read on here, Atripla is a pretty forgiving medicine, so moving it back or forth an hour doesn't really matter. My doctor also said about the same thing as he suggested I can shift my time to take it by an hour everyday -- if I had to change the time I take for when I traveled to a different time zone.
Also, it's one pill, so you can just carry it with you and pop it wherever you are when no one is looking.
Take care, get better.